Jobs, Money and Chaos
by sin2cos21
Summary: When Chaos tells his warriors to get a part time job...things cannot possibly go well. WARNING: This story runs off a HUGE amount of CRACK.
1. Announcement and Departures

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Dissidia or Final Fantasy, they belong to Square Enix.

Just some crack about the Warriors of Chaos nothing much really, there is probably going to be a lot of OOC moments here.

* * *

Chapter 1: Announcement and Departures.

Just another big meeting…the Warriors of Chaos were used to them, but it's a little annoying to have them every day.

Well at least this time the guy in big armor with huge horns looked like he had something good to say.

"Fellow warriors" Garland began happily "it appears lord Chaos has finally answered our requests for a raise!"

The news was happily greeted by the other warriors, quite some time ago they had requested a salary raise for various reasons, but it was only now that Chaos finally answered it.

"Well, how much is he willing to give?" Jecht asked.

Garland looked at his fellow warriors, then he held up an envelope.

"Well, he replied in writing. I have yet to read the letter though."

"You IDIOT!!" Kefka shouted "how are we supposed to know if it's good news or not!!"

Jecht, being the one standing closest to Garland, grabbed the envelope and tore it open.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!" he screamed in fury.

All the other Warriors turned to Jecht.

"Well…" Kuja asked "what does it say?"

Jecht showed him(?) the letter.

"WHY THE NERVE OF THAT…!!!!" Kuja barked.

Sephiroth walked over and took the letter from the outraged genome.

After skimming through the letter all the silver haired swordsman said was, "Hn..."

Golbez looked over his fellow loner's shoulder, "So...this is how he answers our request? Interesting."

"That's one way of giving a raise," Sephiroth replied.

"What the heck did he say already!?" Kefka shouted, "tell us already so we can figure out why those two are so mad!"

Mateus, and Ultimecia leaned closer, while Cloud of Darkness and Exdeath looked like they didn't care. In all probability, they really didn't care about worldly desires such as money.

"The letter says," Golbez began, "that as much as Chaos wants to grant us the money we want, he is in a bit of a problem with money himself,"

"In other words he lost all of it gambling," Garland muttered.

"He gambles?" Jecht asked.

"Yes, and a lot," Mateus informed them, "he's recently had a losing streak to some man named William, whoever that is."

"How would you know?" Kefka asked.

"Because he himself gambles," Sephiroth replied coolly. Upon seeing the looks on his "comrades'" faces he quickly added, "I saw him sneak out towards a casino once, and I've often seen him walking around with casino chips. I myself do not gamble."

"Are you spying on me!" Mateus asked rather heatedly.

The silver haired swordsman turned to him, "No, whenever I am around you fail to notice me. Besides, I do not spy, I merely...observe."

"Ahem, back to the letter," Golbez said, apparently annoyed at the distractions, "since I cannot provide you with the added income, you must provide for yourselves. I have arranged all the necessary documents for you. You have two months, good luck!. Signed: Chaos, God of Discord."

Golbez folded the letter and inserted it in his right pauldron, "That's the end of the message...any reactions?"

Mateus raised an eyebrow, "What exactly does he want us to do?"

"And what does he mean by 'necessary documents'?" Ultimecia added.

Sephiroth sighed and walked away, "Clearly I overestimated your mental capabilities."

He motioned to Kefka, "even this clown understands the message, or are you two just in denial?"

"HA!" Kefka shouted, "looks like I AM smarter than you, your royal dorkness!"

The clown was silenced when the Emperor's rod smacked into his lower abdomen.

"What Chaos means," Golbez began, "Is that he wants us..."

"To look for a job," Garland finished, "the papers he meant were probably resumés and other related documents."

He removed another envelope, a larger one, from his cape and examined the contents, "Yup, here they are, resumés, birth certificates, biodatas, licenses, diplomas..."

"Yes, yes! We get the point already!" Kuja shouted when it seemed like Garland was going to enumerate everything in the envelope.

"Is he serious!?" Mateus asked, "he wants us to work like commoners!"

"What are you so afraid of?" Sephiroth asked, "we're already working for Chaos?"

Kefka, apparently recovered from Mateus' assault, was quick to mock the emperor, "Aw, is the wittle empweror afrwaid of getting his immacwulately powished and cwolored nails swoiled? Wee empwy scwared of the offishe? HA!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, "You never learn," and after the words left his lips, Mateus' staff impacted on Kefka's body, right where it hurts. The force propelled the clown upward to the ceiling, only to come crashing down to a minefield via a Starfall spell he met while ascending.

Everyone ignored the clown's whimpers. Mateus walked over to Garland and took his papers; he glanced at them and asked, "where did Chaos get all of this information?"

Jecht sauntered over to take a look, "He probably made the information up and had those papers forged somewhere."

"Hmph," Mateus replied, unamused. "Forgeries...what sort of jobs does he have in mind for us?"

Jecht took a look at his own papers, "Probably whatever we want, hell we have diplomas for almost every field of study."

Kuja narrowed his eyes, "And how would you know about the different fields of study?"

Jecht turned to him, "Are you underestimating the greatness of the Jecht?"

"What if I am?" Kuja replied heatedly.

Garland rolled his eyes from behind his helmet as Jecht began cracking his knuckles, while Kuja moved to a fighting stance. They about to go at it when Sephiroth walked between them and picked up his papers.

"Don't misinterpret my actions," he said as he examined his papers, "I only wanted my papers."

Golbez walked behind him and said rather sarcastically, "Sure"

Sephiroth paid the armored man no heed as he walked away. Golbez examined his papers and asked, "So Chaos wants us to go and work for two months huh?"

"Guess so," Garland replied, then he eyed the tormented figure slowly getting back on its feet, "your papers are over here, Kefka."

Kefka struggled forward and took his papers then asked, "So we all gotta go huh?" he spied Exdeath and CoD, "Those two as well?"

All eyes turned to the pair of void wielders.

"I have no need for money," Exdeath stated, "all I require is the power of the Void."

"The same goes for us," CoD replied.

Garland took a look at a piece of paper at the very depths of the folder, "Looks like you've got no choice, he's already singed us all a leave."

"Your point being?" Exdeath asked.

"My point is," Garland replied, "if you try and tell Chaos that you don't want to go after he's gone ahead and forged these papers and singed you a leave, you would have to deal with one very angry god of discord."

There was silence. Then CoD asked, "are you threatening us?"

"Nope," Garland replied, "He is. It says right here on this note he placed with the papers."

Garland lifted the piece of paper and cleared his throat, "It says: P.S. If any of you even try to decline my _generous_ offer, there will be..._more than severe repercussions._ Love, Chaos"

Garland lifted another small rectangular object, "He even attached a picture."

He showed them the picture, it was Chaos glaring at them with all the fury of ten thousand hells. Written on the bottom, like a bloody mess, were the words _"I EFFING MEAN IT!!"_

They stared at the photo, not sure if they should laugh or take it seriously. The silence lasted until finally Jecht said, "Ah what the hell, I'm going see you in two months,"

With that he picked up his sword, turned around, and vanished.

Kuja threw his hair back and said, "To think that an actor such as myself would have to take up such mundane responsibilities, absurd."

He jumped into the air, floated around a little, and then faded away.

Ultimecia took another look at the picture, and dismissed it with a wave of her hand, "A job? No matter, if he does not want us here, so be it."

Then her wings covered her body and then exploded in a flurry of black feathers, Ultimecia was nowhere in sight.

Sephiroth chuckled, "Hmph, looks like we've got no choice, I'll see you all in two months."

He turned, took two steps forward and faded away.

Kefka was looking at the letter in delight, "Oooh! Another chance to work like a normal person! As if that was ever interesting!"

He squealed in delight, "I'm gonna destroy-"

He never finished the sentence, as Garland's armored fist connected with his lower jaw, "Would you just please..."

Kefka got back on his feet, "Heh, heh. Why so serious?" he asked in a menacing tone, then he suddenly screamed in laughter, "SEE YA!!"

He cast a Hyperdrive under his feet, which promptly exploded. After the dust cleared, everyone hoped he had been turned to ashes along with the floor.

Exdeath watched everything dispassionately, then he turned around and started walking, "I've no more business," then he walked into one of those convenient void portals that tend to appear when he's leaving.

"I wish you all luck in your faithful enterprises," with that, Golbez turned around and vanished.

The two remaining men could have sworn they saw lightning crackle around him as he was vanishing; CoD could have sworn she saw a full moon, even though, 1) it was the middle of the day, though you'd never guess from the dark ambiance, and 2) they were indoors.

Still a bit mystified, the cloud in question turned to two men, "We will be going now, we'll meet again in two months time,"

The she floated into her own void portal, it had a slightly different hue when compared to Exdeath's.

Mateus looked at the paper scornfully, "An emperor work like a peon! That's...that's!"

"Two ideas buddy," Garland barked, "live with it, and shut the hell up!"

Emperor merely hmphed in his direction as he teleported out of the shrine.

Garland looked at his papers with interest.

"A job huh," He said, "this should be interesting!"

* * *

a/n Like I said random crap. Please r&r and if you have any job openings, please inform me in anyway you like.


	2. Garland, the traffic officer Part 1

Disclaimer: Dissidia is one of the things I would love to own, but if I did, I wouldn't be here. In other words, I DO NOT OWN IT.

Thank you everyone, here's an adventure of one unfortunate Warrior of Chaos.

* * *

Chapter 2: Garland the traffic officer.

Part A: Employment and Day 1.

Rush hour in the big city, cars went left, right, forward, and, occasionally, backwards. Those idiots were quickly arrested.

At the height of this frenzy, order must be maintained and the law upheld. This is where traffic officers come in. These gallant men and women spend their days ensuring that even in the height of all of this chaos, peace and order will be upheld.

Yet despite their most noble efforts, the sheer amount of work to be done simply overwhelmed them. What they needed was more muscle. Thus the sign outside their head office imploring others to aid the agency in its plight.

One of those lured to this opportunity was a knight in silver armor with a blue cape. His yellow eyes carefully examined the requirements, then he reached into an envelope and took out the necessary papers. Confident that he will be easily accepted, he marched right in.

He looked around, the receptionist was to his left but there was a line of applicants. Now, Garland obviously wasn't the type to fall in line. He had to find away to "shorten" the line. He looked at his trusty broadsword and extended a chain. People screamed and ran as the giant snake of a sword slithered through the line catapulting applicants left and right. Needless to say, Garland's Tsunami left them all...washed up.

Garland proudly strolled to the front of the line where one applicant had been spared of the carnage. Amazingly, neither the applicant nor the receptionist noticed what he had just done.

"Well," the receptionist was saying, "looks like all of your requirements are here, here." she handed him a piece of paper, "go to the academy and show them this you should be enrolled there. Good luck, see you in the force."

The man looked extremely happy, but he made the mistake of turning around. And came face to face with the imposing knight. The man peeked behind Garland, saw the carnage, paled, and left in a hurry.

"What's his problem?" Garland asked no one in particular. He turned his attention to the receptionist, who was busy punching buttons at some sort of...box.

While Garland was examining the box and wondering what it was, the receptionist looked up and raised an eyebrow.

"Uh...pal, armor went out of fashion after the medieval age,"

Garland took a look at the receptionist and decided to ignore the comment, "I'm here to apply for a job,"

"Of course you are, why else would you be here?"

"_Be calm_," Garland reminded himself, "Yes of course, now what papers do I need to present you?"

The receptionist handed him a piece of paper with the requirements written on it. Then she handed him a few more papers, "I'll also need you to fill these up," then she smiled, "see you later, tin man."

Garland narrowed his eyes and hmphed as he walked away.

He found a bunch of metal chairs and sat down; the chairs groaning at his weight. He picked up a pen and started filling out the information. Then he opened his his envelope and started picking out the necessary papers. After retrieving the necessary documents, Garland stood up and proceeded back to the receptionist. This time people steered clear of him. And those in line made way for the armored knight. Upon reaching the window, the receptionist looked up and smiled.

"Hey there bulky," she said, "need some polish?"

She laughed at her own joke while Garland tried to keep his cool.

"Here are the papers you requested," Garland said, keeping his voice steady, "Now what shall I do next?"

"Well," the receptionist said, "first off you could trade that armor for something more fashionable,"

Garland's temper was prickling, "It's not that I don't want to remove it, it's more like I can't remove it."

The receptionist grinned, apparently she thought Garland was joking, "_Suit_ yourself, ha, ha, get it?"

Garland had just about enough; now his voice was louder and more serious, "Listen here woman! I wear this armor because it is practically _welded_ onto my body! I can't take it off with peeling my skin off and suffering through the agony of a thousand deaths!!"

The receptionist gave him a surprised look, "Wow, that's heavy,"she said. Then she smiled again, "Like that armor of yours, that must weigh a ton!"

Garland rolled his eyes, "Whatever, here are the-"

"Cans?"

The knight shrugged the comment off, "No my-"

"GI roofing?"

"Actually, my-"

"Stainless steel undergarments? Hahahahaha!! Stainless steel! Hahahahahahaha!!!"

"... Listen here woman! I have had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THESE METAL RELATED JOKES!!! IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL-"

But the receptionist ignored him and just kept on laughing. Now Garland was really angry; he covered his face with his left hand in frustration. As the receptionist continued the jokes about metal and whatnot, Garland felt it was time to make her stop.

He raised hit right hand, balled into a fist, and punched right through the supposedly bulletproof glass. The receptionist jumped back in shock, but not far away enough to avoid the infuriated knight's grasp.

He grabbed her by the collar of her clothes and pulled her close to his face, "I have attempted to put up with your nonsensical joke about my armor, but now you are really pushing your luck!"

His eyes glowed red and dark energy began to emanate from his armor, "I consider myself to one of the calmest among us warriors, but you have officially pulled the last straw!"

More dark energy. A little steam was slightly visible coming out of his ears, whether it was from anger or from wearing a tight-fit armor in the middle of summer, they will never know. All everyone knew at the moment was that this knight was very unhappy, and someone was going to pay, hard.

Garland lifted his fist and thundered, "PREPARE TO REAP THE REWARDS OF YOUR INSOLENCE!!!"

He drew back his arm and shouted, "SOUL OF-"

"What's going on here?" a authoritative voice asked.

Garland stopped, his fist inches from the receptionist's nose, and turned his head in the direction of the voice; at the doorway stood a man in uniform.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked, pulling his fist back again.

The man in uniform replied, "I'm officer Noloe, head of the department. Who are you?"

"I'm Garland, an applicant," he gestured towards the helpless being in his grasp, "and this the soon to be ex-receptionist. Just after I go Soul of Chaos on her. _Monk_ Style."

"So...you're saying you're an applicant?"

"Uh...yeah?"

Noloe observed the cracked glass behind the knight, and the terrified look on the woman's face. Then he suddenly turned to his left and shouted, "Officer Snafu! Get this man a uniform!"

Garland nearly dropped the receptionist. Upon further contemplation, he instead threw her into the ground.

"BOOYA!!" he shouted to the heavens.

He was given a a set of uniforms then Noloe clapped him on the back, "See you tomorrow nine A.M sharp."

Garland nodded walked away, as he did said, " Well, that was easier than I expected."

* * *

Day 1: On patrol on highway C-12. Backup in high speed pursuit requested, only one unit available rest cannot reach pursuit in time.

"Garland, aren't you driving a little too fast!!" Officer Snafu shouted as he clung on for dear life.

"Bull-," the rest of the sentence wasn't heard, as he swerved violently to avoid an eighteen wheeler truck.

The suspects were driving on the wrong side of the road at almost a hundred miles an hour; so was Garland. He was also on the wrong side of the road...but pushing 200.

"Garland!" Snafu shouted, "I think we should call for backup!"

Garland avoided a large oil tanker before answering, "WE DON'T NEED IT!"

He gestured to the _huge_ broadsword lying in the back seat, "THAT'S GOT ALL THE BACKUP WE'LL EVER NEED!!"

"Garland, we're approaching the bridge!!"

Garland looked around, what he saw didn't please him. Traffic was starting to clog the bridge, and the suspects were well ahead of him. Then he saw it, a golden opportunity...one he can't possibly pass on.

Right there, conveniently situated on the sidewalk...

* * *

The car our intrepid knight was pursuing now lay in the middle of the bridge, stuck in traffic.

"We lost them!" The driver cried enthusiastically.

"But we're still stuck in traffic," the man seated on the passenger's side replied.

"It doesn't matter! They ain't never gonna catch us now!" one of the men in the backseat replied.

"Yeah," the last man added, "the only thing there is that _huge ramp_ on the sidewalk near the construction site!"

The driver adjusted the rear view mirror; he suddenly froze.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!"

His companions scrambled to look out the window.

Above them, in the sky, was...

A police car.

* * *

"GARLAND! YOU'RE INSANE!!!"

Snafu clutched his chest, certain that he would have a heart attack any second.

Garland however, was looking out the window, "There they are!!"

He reached into the back seat and grabbed his broadsword, "Snafu! Take the wheel!"

Garland let go of the wheel and _opened_ _the_ _door._

"You can't be serious!!" Snafu shouted as he grabbed the wheel.

"See you back on the ground!" Garland shouted as he jumped from the car.

"DAMN IT GARLAND!!"

* * *

Garland, falling faster than a rock dropped from a space shuttle at takeoff, made a beeline towards the suspect's car, his right hand was placed behind him and held his sword. His left arm and his legs were spread apart.

As he drew closer he shouted, "KNOW YOUR PLACE!!!"

10 seconds to impact...

The suspects: "What in the-!?"

9 seconds to impact...

Garland: "This should be a shocker... Hey! What do ya know, a bird!"

8 seconds to impact...

Snafu: "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY A CAR!!"

7 seconds to impact...

Suspects: "Oh Shi-!"

6 seconds to impact...

A silver haired man looked out a car window and thought, "Is that...a flying car?"

5 seconds to impact...

4...

3...

2...

1...

On the other side of town...

Officer Noloe was in a meeting with his subordinates. Then suddenly, the table shook, along with everything on top of it.

He looked around, "What the heck was that?"

"Must have been an earthquake," Officer Fubar suggested.

"But the fire alarms aren't ringing."

"Then it ain't anything to worry about!" Officer Tarfu concluded.

The three men shrugged, "Well, back to work."

They resumed eating their donuts.

Back at the bridge...

Snafu walked out of the car, the world was spinning and he had a massive headache. He looked around, all the other cars were now moving, traffic's lightened up. He hoped everything that happened was dream; the illusion was shattered when he saw the crater. He sighed, pulled out his pistol, checked if it was loaded, and proceeded to the big hole in the ground. He peered over the edge.

In the middle of the crater stood Garland. He looked fine, damn his clothes were unscratched!!

Garland looked at him and struck a triumphant pose.

"Suspects detained!!"

Snafu sighed, he just couldn't help but feel sorry for the suspects still stuck in their car...their _flattened_ car.

Judging from the fact that the car was now only three feet tall, it was unlikely that any of the suspects survived the impact. Hell, Snafu wished they did die on the exact moment of impact. If any of them were still alive right now...

"Hey Snafu," Garland called, "aren't you gonna call an ambulance?"

"R-right, I'll get to that."

Snafu walked out of the crater, but not before stealing one last look at the car.

There was a Garland-shaped indentation on the roof of the car...that was starting to fill up with a strange liquid.

Snafu would bet his entire salary that that wasn't motor oil.

A car drove by and a silver haired man shoot a look, the silver haired driver in a _kilt _commented, "A crater in the middle of a bridge, you don't see that everyday."

His long silver haired passenger adjusted the rear view mirror, "Is that...Garland?"

Golbez looked at the side mirror, "We've already passed them, so we'll never know for sure."

Sephiroth merely hmphed and looked away, "So we'll never know..."

* * *

a/n I'm not done with Garland just yet... Job openings anyone?


	3. Kefka, THE CLOWN

Disclaimer: I do not own Dissidia Final Fantasy, I love playing it though.

* * *

Chapter 3: Kefka, THE CLOWN.

Kefka flipped through the morning paper, while he sat in a early morning coffee shop at the outskirts of the city. The customers had either bolted out when he entered or stayed away from him, for good reason. When Kefka arrived earlier, a biker gang decided to pick on him for looking like a clown; moments later he was picking their bones out of his clothes. Want to know why? Kefka decided to think "outside" the box; basically he cast Flare and/or Ultima inside their stomachs. At least, where he reckoned their stomachs were. On the front page of today's paper were two articles of note; for Kefka there two, for most only the first article was interesting. The first had a picture of a flattened car, next to a familiar armored knight _posing _in front of the car with all the pride of an officer doing a "good" job. Above it, the headline read "Speeders Receive Armored Ticket From Above." Most of the readers were paying attention to that article because the said knight was across the street in the doughnut shop with his fellow cops. Hell, they were afraid to even get close to their cars for fear of meeting the same fate as those speeders...and they had just been speeding.

Kefka however, was more interested in the second one. A few weeks ago, a traveling circus had come to town; yesterday though, the clown died of undisclosed reasons, now the circus was looking for a new clown.

Well he looked the part, and he thought he was amusing, plus he needed a job for a while; this should work out.

He tossed the paper to one side, finished his croissant and his coffee, and headed for the door. But then a clerk stopped him.

"Uh...sir?" the clerk asked tentatively.

"What is it?" he growled.

"Uh, you see...it's just that you um..."

"SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!" Kefka roared.

The clerk jumped back in surprise, "It's just that you haven't paid for any of that yet!!"

Kefka narrowed his eyes...

15 minutes later, across the street.

"Uh Garland?" Snafu asked, "Aren't we gonna arrest him?"

"Why should we?" Garland said through a mouth full of doughnuts.

"Well," officer Fubar started, "he just killed a bunch of bikers, and look what he did to that coffee shop, all in broad daylight; I think those count as crimes."

"So," he said while eating doughnuts, "after what he did....to those bikers, would you...want to try and...arrest him?" then he took a drink from his coffee mug.

Fubar paled, "I don't think so."

"And besides," Garland added to conclude this argument once and for all, "we're _traffic _officers, crimes like that are handled by _police _officers. You know our motto..."

They raised their mugs and chorused, "IF THE ROAD AIN'T IN THE ISSUE, IT'S NOT OUR ISSUE!"

* * *

The headline in tomorrow's paper read,

"Mad Clown Kills Bikers; Burns Down Coffee Shop for Billing Him."

* * *

The ringmaster examined the man in front of him; he certainly had the appearance of a clown. The only thing that he needed to know was if this guy had talent.

"_What the hell,_" the ringmaster thought, _"if this guy walked across town to come here looking like a clown, he could probably act the part."_

"Can you perform this afternoon?"

"Of course I can!" Kefka replied rather enthusiastically, "Does that mean I'm hired?"

"Well, that depends on how well you perform this afternoon."

Kefka grinned, "Trust me pal, I'll _bring down _the house."

* * *

Later that afternoon at the carnival. Which happened to be in the center of a park. Which happened to have a road running smack dab running through the middle of it. The performing stage _happened _to be in the middle of the said road...

Cloud walked up the stands and sat between Terra and Luneth (Onion Knight.).

"Remind me again why we're here," he asked as he sat down.

Terra raised an eyebrow at Cloud, "Because Luneth wanted to see the show. And besides this is probably the best way to spend our time while the Warriors of Chaos are taking a break themselves."

"And besides," Luneth piped in, "would you rather spend your vacation training with the Warrior of Light in the high, woody, snow capped, mountains?"

Cloud shrugged, "Guess not," but he couldn't help but be alert. He had stuck with the belief that Sephiroth was always waiting in ambush for him, whether it be from behind poles, billboards, trees, raked leaves, and even from the girl's restroom. Some of his comrades disregarded this as paranoia, but for a guy who would stand out like the Buster Sword in the middle of kitchen knives, Sephiroth can hide pretty well; in fact, Cloud's been ambushed at least once by the silver haired swordsman by hiding in each of the aforementioned locations. Things like that always kept Cloud on his toes.

As the lights dimmed, Cloud kept watching for any sign of the said swordsman.

Luneth, noticing Cloud's tense posture, rolled his eyes and said, "Oh Come on Cloud! It's not like he's going to drop down from the sky to impale you from above or something!"

Cloud, tenser than ever, started scanning the canopy for any silver haired swordsman-shaped shadow.

Luneth gave an exasperated sigh, "Cloud we're indoors!"

"That never stopped _him_."

Luneth shook his head and was about to argue more when he noticed Terra's face.

"Is something wrong Terra?"

Terra looked around carefully, "It's just that...I feel a familiar presence."

Luneth looked around, "Nothing out of the of the ordinary here."

"It's just..."

Unfortunately this just reinforced Cloud's paranoia, "Then he _is _here, we should leave before he notices!"

Luneth turned to the blonde, "Oh COME ON CLOUD!"

They were about to continue arguing when, the show began.

* * *

On the other side of the circus tent.

"Remind me again why we're here," Sephiroth asked in that usual voice of his.

Golbez, sitting there with his arms crossed and wearing his armor again replied, "Because Kefka wanted us to watch his first performance...and besides, if I didn't take you here you'd be stalking that Cloud person again."

"Hmph," Sephiroth replied, "last I checked, we were free to do as we want."

"Yes, but right now we should be looking for jobs not staking children."

"If we're supposed to be job hunting, why are we here?"

"Because Kefka threatened to destroy the entire park if we didn't come."

"And we care about the park why?"

"Just...just watch the show Sephiroth."

"Hmph..."

* * *

The show...was what you'd expect from a circus. High rope, man cannon, lion taming, dancing elephants and camels, a half naked hobo dancing on the stage before being chased away by a cop in riot gear...okaaaay maybe the last one wasn't normal in a circus, but hey, it made for good entertainment.

But after almost two hours of this, Cloud was bored out of his wits.

"Let's go already," Cloud suggested, "this is pretty boring."

"Oh come on Cloud!" Luneth complained, "it's the last performance!"

"I'm bored as hell," Cloud replied, "the only act I haven't seen before was the one featuring that hobo..."

Terra looked surprised, "Uh, I don't think that was part of the act."

"Looked like one to me," he replied, then thought he must've interpreted it as such due to his boredom, "I still say we should go."

Terra rolled her eyes, "Cloud, it's the last performance we are going to **STAY**."

Cloud looked at her and could have sworn he saw the esper in her. He sighed and replied, "I'm not going to win this argument, am I?"

"No," Terra replied firmly, then turned her attention back to the show.

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Fine..."

* * *

Meanwhile Sephiroth, being from the same world as Cloud, was also bored out of his wits. And yes, he also thought that the hobo part, including the part where the hobo ran into the lion's cage while the cop just slammed the door, was part of the act.

"Is Kefka next?" he asked impatiently, "I have other things to do."

Golbez sighed, "Yes he is, they usually let fresh meat perform last."

Sephiroth grunted, "Then maybe we shouldn't have come so early."

"Being late is rude, and being early is considered a very good thing. And is making sure that others are early."

Sephiroth sat there in silence and thought, "_Then I did a good thing when I sent that Cetra girl into the lifestream 'early'..._"

Golbez glared at him from under the helmet, "Sephiroth, we can both read minds. And no, that does not count."

"But you said you said that making sure people get to their destinations early is a good thing," Sephiroth countered.

"...I refuse to comment."

Sephiroth turned his attention back to the stage, "The clown's out, wonder what he has in mind."

* * *

Kefka stepped out and...surveyed his audience. Boy did he have a show for them.

He walked out with that usual smile on his face. He grabbed the mike and said,

"Hello dear, dear friends. You're gonna love this show..."

He looked around a little, then said, "For my first act, I'll be taming hideously ugly beasts! Starting wiiiiiiiiiith, HIM!!"

He pointed to his left, the ringmaster had a "WTF?" face. Half the audience went "huh?" while the other half laughed their guts off.

Kefka grinned maliciously. He summoned a whip and a chair. The whip burst into flames as he raised it over his head.

"Back you little-!"

He snapped the whip and flame flew out scorching the ground where the ringmaster was standing only moments ago. This was accompanied by a gasp from the audience.

The ringmaster bolted as Kefka chased after him flicking his whip sending flames allover the place while shouting "That's right! Run, Run or you'll be well done!!", this was accompanied by a great deal of laughter from the audience. Save maybe for...

Terra gasped, "Kefka!"

"He must've been the one you were sensing!" Luneth shouted.

"I knew we should've left," Cloud grumbled.

* * *

Across the circus tent...

"What kind of an act is that?" Golbez asked, questioning his comrade's motives.

"He probably intends to kill the ringmaster," Sephiroth said coolly.

"Should we stop him?"

"We're free to do as we want, the same applies for him."

Golbez looked back to the stage, "I wonder if he'll survive?"

After almost ten minutes of chasing the ringmaster around, Kefka stopped. He grabbed the mike and announced,

"For my next act, I'll be making this atrocity of nature dance!!"

Cloud: "Speak for yourself."

Sephiroth: "Look who's talking."

Kefka jumped onto the man cannon and with a puff of smoke, transformed it into a triple barreled cannon with flame hound motifs.

"Make that little man dance!" Kefka commanded.

The cannon battery pointed at the ringmaster while all the latter could say was, "Oh shi-!"

The cannon started firing while the ringmaster danced for his life. One barrel fired flame shots, the other ice shards, while the last fired...

"Bubbles!?" Kefka shouted, "What the hell!?"

Most of the audience was still amused, but others were concerned for the ringmaster's safety due to the sheer amount of...violence being thrown at him.

After another ten minutes of this, the cannons stopped firing and Kefka jumped to the ground.

He pulled out six regular balls and shouted, "It's time to juggle!"

The ringmaster sighed in relief until Kefka examined the balls and said, "Regular balls? Now that's boring!"

With a flash of light he transformed into the God of Magic, and with an evil smile, conjured four Flare spells, four Holy spell, and four chunks of Meteor; the first two stored in small spheres.

"Let's juggle some magic!"

Almost immediately he dropped half of them, the spells impacted the ground and left huge craters.

"Oops! Now this batch is worthless!" he tossed the spells away and summoned new ones...the crowd ran like hell.

"Hey where's everybody going!?" Kefka asked as he tossed around six Ultima spells and six Forsaken spells.

The ringmaster headed towards him, "Kefka I think you're taking this act too far!"

Kefka stopped juggling and glared at the ringmaster, "Are you telling me what I can't do!?"

The ringmaster swallowed hard.

* * *

In the stands...

"Cloud you're right, maybe we should've left," Terra said as she headed for the exit.

"Now I don't ever want to go back to the Circus!" Luneth screamed.

Cloud just sat there and smirked, "Hey, hey, I thought you wanted to finish the show."

"Ah, Cloud not now!" Terra screamed in frustration.

Cloud smirked as he gave her that "I told you so" look. Then he looked across the tent and saw...

Cloud went for the Buster Sword, "Sephiroth!"

* * *

Meanwhile,

"I believe it's time we left," Golbez said as Kefka started to argue with the ringmaster.

"Does this mean I can go after Cloud now?"

Golbez shook his head, "No, we must rest tonight for we shall search for employment tomorrow."

Sephiroth sighed, then looked across the tent and saw there, just staring at him.

"Cloud..."

He summoned the Masamune, held it over his head, and was about to charge when,

Golbez grabbed his shoulder, "Now is not the time!"

The Silver Haired Swordsman grunted, put away his sword, and left along with his associate.

* * *

Back to heroes...

"Cloud now is not the time!" Terra shouted as she grabbed his arm.

"But he's right there!" Cloud argued, "Look! He's got his back turned!"

"But if you attack him now, you'd be cheap shooting him," Luneth pointed out, "Do you want to give him more of a reason to ambush you from all sorts of weird places?"

Cloud was silent, Terra took the opportunity to drag Cloud towards the exit, with Luneth beside them. After they got out Luneth asked, "Hey Terra, why didn't you just take on Kefka?"

Terra kept walking, "If I did, he'd more inclined to destroy this place."

Luneth gulped, "You're right..."

Cloud, having gotten over the thought, got Terra to release him and walked alongside them towards his car.

"Told you we should've left," Cloud said as he unlocked his car, "hop in."

They took off at full speed.

* * *

On the other side of the tent, Golbez and Sephiroth walked away calmly.

"Wonder what he'll do to the ring master?" Sephiroth wondered.

Golbez glanced back towards the tent; the sky above the circus tent was glowing yellow, "You don't want to know..."

Sephiroth glanced back, "Light of Judgment?"

He shook his head as they teleported to safety, just as the tent, and the park, went the way the World of Balance did when Kefka got his way.

* * *

Later,

Kefka stood in the middle of the burning park, pointed at the burning ruins, and shouted,

"WHO'S FIRED NOW HUH!?" and he erupted into his trademark maniacal laughter.

Suddenly an armored fist cannoned into his face and knocked him out...along with a few teeth.

Snafu grabbed him and snapped handcuffs on his wrists. Then Garland picked him up like a sack of potatoes and took him to his patrol car...the same one he used in the highway chase.

"Hey Garland," Snafu asked, "why did you arrest him this time? Too much crimes in one day?"

Garland shook his head, "No, if you haven't noticed, the road runs right through the circus tent. And you know our motto..."

They clapped their free hands together and said, "IF THE ROAD AIN'T IN THE ISSUE, IT'S NOT OUR ISSUE!"

They drove to the asylum.

* * *

Tomorrow's paper read,

"Asylum Burned Down, Only One Inmate Missing, Rest Of Inmates and Guards Presumed Dead"

There was a picture of the said prisoner, a certain clown.

Sephiroth tossed the paper aside, lifted his coffee mug and grunted, "No 'Presumed' about it"

* * *

a/n: There you go, we're still accepting Job openings. Oh, and about Garland eating, just use you're imagination on how he does that.


	4. Garland, the traffic officer part 2

Disclaimer: Do not own Final Fantasy. If I did I would be rich.

A/N: Sorry for the late update. I was sort of away for a while. Anyways here is another chapter about our intrepid warriors. And like I said before, I wasn't done with Garland just yet. And oh! Thank you for the reviews, they're really giving me lots of ideas some of them are pretty strange.

* * *

Chapter 4: Garland the traffic officer.

Part B: Getting fired.

Garland was devoted to his line of work. Everyone knew that, police and violators alike. In his few days on the job, he has shown fierce devotion to upholding traffic laws throughout the city. The only problem about this devotion, it that most of the violators he encounters and "apprehends" never make to jail. Hell, only one person he's arrested ever managed to be immediately brought to jail...and that person wasn't even brought to a jail, he was brought to an asylum (which, coincidentally, was destroyed by an inmate the following day). The rest of the people he's arrested usually end up in the ICU of hospitals or worse. This one officer has instilled more fear into the hearts and minds of would be violators than any law that could possibly be passed...yet people still go ahead and try their luck.

Guess they just never learn...

* * *

Incident 3: Sleep driver.

21:42 Unit 13 spots a probable sleep driver. Proceeds to investigate.

"This is patrol 013, I've spotted a vehicle moving at a ridiculously slow pace and in an impossibly straight line. Moving in to investigate."

"Copy that unit 13, backup requested?"

"No," the armored officer replied, "me and Fubar can handle this."

"Acknowledged, good hunting."

Garland put both hands on the wheel and added a little gas. When he reached the car, he said to the man sitting on the passenger's side of the cruiser.

"Hey Fubar go see if the driver's dead."

Fubar's eyes went wide, "What!?"

"Just joking"

"Don't joke like that!" Fubar complained, then he looked at the suspect's driver side window.

There he was, sleeping like a log, the driver. Fubar could definitely see his chest rising up and down, and he could swear he can hear the snores.

"Garland," he said turning to his companion, "guy's sleeping like a log."

Garland nodded, then he accelerated till he was far ahead of the suspect's car.

"Hey what're you doing? We just have to wake him up and ticket him."

"That is what I intend to do," Garland replied as he parked the car on the shoulder and stepped out, bringing his sword with him.

Fubar sighed and grabbed the radio, "Dispatch this is patrol 013...could you send an ambulance over?"

"Patrol this is dispatch, request accepted. Might I ask why?"

"Garland's going to make an arrest..."

"...Roger that. We'll tell them to hurry."

Fubar put the radio down and looked at the silhouette of the armored officer against the suspect's headlights. He closed his eyes, covered them with his palms, and hid in the back seat. He did _**NOT **_want to be a witness.

Garland stood still and waited for his target patiently. This guy was going to wake up and get a ticket, and he was going to get one hell of a wake up call.

As the car approached, Garland lifted his sword and prepared. If he could hit that little brat Onion Knight with this attack, he'd be dammed if he couldn't hit a slow moving car.

He lowered the sword and rushed forward and, when he was in range, swung his sword in an upward strike. The car went flying, but Garland wasn't finished, he stayed on the ground with his sword still pointed upwards.

"GO!" he shouted as his sword, from the tip the the part that connects with the handle, flew up and struck the car's undercarriage, severing the drive shaft.

The car flipped over several and landed on the shoulder upside down. Garland nonchalantly walked over to his patrol car, picked up his stack of tickets and pen, and walked over to the overturned car.

Garland bent down and looked inside, the driver was now wide awake and appeared to be in a lot of pain. He had to be, his entire body was in an awkward, if not bone breaking position. He looked at Garland with terrified eyes.

"What did I do!? What did I do!?"

"Well," Garland said standing up and leaning on the car, "you were sleeping while driving, that earns you a ticket."

He ripped one from the stack and handed it to the wounded driver, "Here you go pal."

Then he moved back to the patrol car. Before jumping in, he turned to the driver and said, "Take care now!!"

He drove at while just as the ambulance was arriving.

On the other lane...

"Hey, an ambulance," Terra commented, "what could it be doing here?"

"Who kno-" Cloud began but stopped as soon as he saw the police car pass by, "I think I know..."

Luneth was standing on the car's back seat and looking out the rear window.

"I could've sworn I saw Garland driving that police car," he told them.

"Really?" Terra asked.

"Yes it was him," Cloud replied, "and I'm pretty sure he's the reason there's an ambulance here."

Terra's eyes widened, "Are you saying that he..."

"Yes, I am," Cloud said as they passed the overturned car.

Back at Garland's patrol car...

Fubar sat up and said to his companion.

"Okay Garland, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Garland thumped his fist into the air triumphantly, "Another job well done!"

Fubar sighed and looked at the shotgun beside him.

It was sooo tempting...

* * *

Incident 4: Drunk driving(attempted)

Incident in front of a bar at 20:00 regarding a man who attempted to drive while under the influence.

Jecht walked up the stairs from his below ground level bar.

The stairs were tight and the door into his bar wasn't very large, plus he had to drag these two drunks out of his premisses. Stupid drunks who do nothing but fight. Well he showed them what happens when people fight in Jecht's bar.

He reached the top of the stairs, stepped on the sidewalk, and stopped.

To his left was a car, behind the car was a familiar blue cape. Moving up and down back and forth smashing into the ground (at least Jecht hopped it was the ground) was a familiar steel fist...which was "slowly" getting stained by a red liquid that shone brightly on the street light.

"Garland!" Jecht called out, "Is that you?"

The figure stopped and looked back, yes it was Garland.

"Jecht?" He asked, still not moving more than his head, "Is that you?"

"Yeah it is me," Jecht replied happily, "what brings you here?"

Garland stood up and dusted off his greaves, "I'm on patrol. What about you?"

"Me," Jecht motioned down the stairs, "I run the bar down there. On patrol ya say, that means you're a cop!"

Jecht suddenly eyed him carefully, then smirked.

"You wouldn't happen to be that cop who's been doing all of that brutal stuff."

"Yup! That's me!" Garland said proudly.

Jecht laughed, "Ha! Nice! You know you're pretty well known. Heck half the guys who go to my bar take the bus or the train because of you!"

"That so," Garland said with a slight laugh, "guess that means I'm a pretty good influence!"

"You bet," Jecht replied, then he looked at Garland's feet, there was someone there.

"Uh, Garland," Jecht said, eyeing the unmoving figure, "what exactly are you doing?"

"This one was about to drive under the influence," Garland replied looking at the man, "as a traffic officer I had to stop him. What are you doing anyway?"

"What me?" Jecht replied rather stunned, "I'm off to toss these guys outside for fighting in my bar." Then he looked closely at the man Garland was "arresting", "Ah Garland, I think your suspect is dead."

Garland looked at the man carefully, "I'm not sure, let me go check."

To Jecht's astonishment, Garland walked over to his patrol car and produced a shotgun.

For a moment, Jecht thought he was going to shoot the man. But instead Garland said.

"What the heck is this? I don't need this!"

Garland turned towards Jecht and tossed the gun over to him, "It's yours pal!!"

Jecht let go of the drunks and caught the gun.

"Uh...are you sure?" he asked wide eyed.

"Sure I'm sure!!" Garland said happily. Then he reached into the trunk and pulled our something worse, his sword.

Jecht thought that now would be the right time to leave, "I have to tend to the bar."

He walked down the stair with shotgun in hand and left the drunks lying on the ground.

"See ya then," Garland said. Then he turned his attention back to his suspect, "Let's see if you really are dead..."

In a bakeshop across the street, a silver haired swordsman asked his companion armored in shades of the deepest black.

"Is he going to do what I _think_ he's going to do?"

"Yes he is Sephiroth," Golbez replied calmly, "frankly, given his nature, I am not surprised."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at his ally as the sound of crunching asphalt was heard, he chose to ignore it.

"Moving on," he said gazing at the stairs Jecht vanished down, "it would appear that the bar down there belongs to Jecht."

"That too does not surprise me."

Sephiroth sighed, "Nothing surprises you..."

"Correction," Golbez said raising a finger, "that hobo surprised me."

Sephiroth shook his head, "Anyway, it appears we have found a place where we can safely gather."

"Indeed," Golbez replied standing up, "let us part ways and spread the word."

With that the men left to inform their "allies" of this new safe haven.

The headlines on tomorrow's paper read,

"Cop takes Police Brutality to New Heights; Delivers Iron Fist of Justice."

* * *

Incident 5: Bank Robbery Escapee.

15:00 highway 09 man evading police. Identified as suspect from nearby bank robbery. Units 004, 008, 012, 016 and 013 are in pursuit...

"Unit 013 what are you doing?" the pursuit commander, unit 004 demanded.

"What does it look like I'm doing!" Garland shouted into the radio, "I'm moving ahead to cut him off!!"

"Unit 013 a piece of advice," the pursuit commander said, a little annoyed, "announce your intentions before doing anything."

"Whatever!" Garland shouted, "just force him down the next exit!"

With that Garland sped ahead and was quickly out of sight. The pursuit leader sighed, "_what in the world could he have in mind..._"

"Uh Garland, what do you intend to do?" Snafu asked, already fearful.

Garland had a crazy gleam in his eyes, one Snafu did not like.

"When they force him down the next exit," Garland said as they went down the said exit, "I'm gonna send that miserable car of his into the scrap yard!!"

Snafu rolled his eyes, "God help me..."

Garland stopped in the cruiser middle of the road and jumped out with his sword in hand.

Snafu reached for the radio, "Hey pursuit, once you force him down the the exit break off if you want to live."

The commander's voice crackled in the radio, "Why? What for?"

Snafu raised the radio and said gloomily, "Garland pulled out his sword..."

"...Roger that. Relaying instructions."

Then he radioed a different frequency, "Dispatch it's me Snafu. I'm with Garland..."

"This is dispatch, acknowledged. Sending a medical unit immediately."

Snafu picked up the camera and pointed it at Garland, he didn't feel like writing a report.

Garland, on the other hand, was starting to get a bit impatient. Then he saw the blinking red and blue lights of the pursuit team, he smiled from behind his helmet.

He raised his sword, and swung it backwards. Now it looked like a deformed axe, then he waited.

As the cars came to view, he could clearly see that the police cruisers were attempting to force the suspects car down to the exit. And judging from the way they were doing it, the suspect would have no choice but to go down the exit.

Garland flexed his body and waited. As the car was forced down the exit, the other officers stopped and formed a blockade.

The suspect, probably identifying a escape route, hit the gas and charged Garland head-on.

Garland didn't flinch, instead he held his sword with both hands, lifted it over his head, took three steps forward and brought his axe thing down.

"IMBECILE!!"

The axe-sword impacted the middle of the car's hood and pointed rocks began to erupt from the ground on either side and under the car, moments later an even larger spike erupted in the middle where his sword was and sent out a large amount of dust.

The pursuit commander stepped out of his car and walked towards the cloud of dust.

"Garland!" He called out, "Is everything alright?"

A voice, unmistakeably Garland's, replied, "Of course it is! The suspect has been successfully apprehended!"

"Which definition?" the commander called back.

Snafu appeared from the dust cloud, "Obviously, his definition."

As the dust cleared, all the commander could say was, "Oh God..."

The rear half of the car was perfectly fine, the front end...

The car's hood looked like a giant pincushion, except the pins were rocks. Big, sharp, pointy, and lethal.

Rocks were still visible, especially the big one in the center of the hood. The commander narrowed his eyes, there appeared to be... half a head stuck on it.

The commander covered his eyes, no wonder Snafu looked like he threw out tomorrow's dinner.

As Snafu passed him, he put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey Snafu," he asked, turning away from the gruesome scene, "does he do this everyday?"

"Yeah," Snafu replied, "I'm getting concerned. He is way over the limit."

The commander nodded, "So I heard, if this keeps up he could get fired. And that would be a shame, he's the best thing that ever happened to the force."

"Let's just hope he stops..." Snafu replied.

* * *

Incident 6: Running the "Red" light. a.k.a. The Final Straw...

Garland was sipping coffee in his patrol car while playing with the newly installed monitor that could access the city's closed circuit camera system. His partner for today, Noloe, was probably in a doughnut shop somewhere.

While working the system, he noticed car that had just ran a red light.

He leaned closer and pressed a few more buttons to keep an eye on the vehicle, it ran another red light.

After a few moments, he determined that the car was headed his way.

He finished his coffee, crushed the cup, stepped out of the car, and threw the cup into a nearby waste basket(eco-friendly!!). Today he was wearing his other armor set, the darker one with the black horns and red cape. Perfect for what he had in mind. He stopped all traffic in the intersection and positioned himself on the road opposite from where the suspect's car was coming from.

As the car approached, he cracked his knuckles, then he raised his right hand palm open.

The car paid no heed to his warning and continued to speed forward.

As the car slowly approached him he said loudly, "Red means..."

When the car was about two cars away, Garland suddenly exploded in a bright flash of light. The car slowed down as if it was going through an invisible barrier.

At that moment, Garland balled his hand into a fist, and hit the car's hood flipping it over. As he did, the whole area seemed to freeze in time. Then with his left hand, Garland grabbed the car's hood and smacked it into the _background(_car's POV_) _causing it to _crack, _then he grabbed the car with both hands and threw it in the opposite direction, where it once again collided with the _background_(Garland's POV)and this time, the sky, the buildings, the asphalt, everything but the cars, Garland, and the people, shattered into oblivion. Replaced instead by a swirling vortex of a multitude of colors.

Garland levitated into the center and began to radiate of dark energy. Then he roared as the dark energy began to reach a limit, then once again as it reached another limit, and then once more, finally he screamed in a manner that would've sent even gods shaking in fear as he let out a fury of melee attacks on the helpless car. After a barrage of punches and kicks, he positioned himself directly over the upside down car and and delivered a powerful punch that exploded with dark energy.

After that attack, the world was restored to the way it was and Garland was once again standing where he did. The car fell behind him in a smoking heap.

He looked over his shoulder and finished his earlier sentence, "...stop."

Then he walked over to his cruiser to report the incident.

* * *

On one of the sides of the intersection, a blue car sat. Within it where four men who had been spending the last few days in the high, woody and snow caped mountains.

The men had witnessed exactly what had happened and were startled.

The one driving, a brunette with a long scar, turned to the one seated in the passenger's seat. The man there should be the one most concerned about what was happening since it involved his nemesis, but he sat there seemingly unconcerned.

"I wonder why you don't look concerned," Squall said to Warrior.

"It is because," Warrior said in that usual voice of his, "both sides are on vacation so there should be no hostilities even if we encounter one another."

"...whatever," Squall said looking back at the traffic light.

Firion, in the backseat, moved to try and get a closer look, "Why do you think he pummeled that car?"

"Judging from his uniform," Squall replied, "he's probably a cop."

"Really?" Cecil wondered as he too moved for a closer look, "it seems he's taking this too seriously."

"Whatever duty it may be," Warrior suddenly said, "Garland will take it as seriously as required and he will also use all of the abilities in his disposal."

"Still," Firion said looking away from the wreckage, "using an improvised monk version of his Soul of Chaos move on a car is overkill."

"That's up to him," Warrior replied, then he turned to Squall, "let us hurry, we have much to do."

Squall didn't move the car, but pointed to the traffic light, "It's still red, we can't go anywhere."

Warrior eyed the traffic light, "And what must it do to permit us to move?"

Squall rolled his eyes, "I need that to turn into a green light."

Warrior calmly lowered his window and poked his hand out which prompted Squall to say, "Put you hand back in the car."

Warrior complied. But before doing so, he flicked his hand twice.

After he rolled up the window, he turned to Squall and said, "Drive."

Squall rolled his eyes, "I told you I need a green light."

"Uh, Squall," Firion said tentatively, "look at the traffic light."

Squall looked at the traffic light, his eyes widened with disbelief.

The light was green ,yes. But it was the topmost light that was on not the bottom one.

He glared at Warrior, "What the heck did you do?"

Warrior calmly faced him and replied, "The light is now green, move."

"This car isn't going anywhere until you tell me what happened."

"Very well. I simply edited the wavelength of every red light in the intersection so that it produces a green light."

"You can do that?" Cecil asked in amazement.

"How?" Firion added.

Warrior shrugged and replied simply, "I am called the Warrior of Light for a reason."

Squall looked like he wanted to argue further, but the other vehicles were honking loudly behind him.

"Squall," Warrior said looking towards the road ahead, "go before you upset the other drivers."

Squall growled as he shifted gears, "Fine..."

They drove off...with green taillights.

* * *

Employee name: Garland.

Employee number: 020001

Status: Honorably discharged.

Reasons: See above incidents and many more.

* * *

A/N: Yes I am going to continue tormenting Garland. Hope you enjoyed this one. See you soon.


	5. Coach Jecht

Disclaimer: If I could control time and space, I would own Dissidia. But I don't...damn.

a/n: If you're wondering how Jecht runs a bar and at the same time is a coach, read. Also, time for a scene where all the warriors are gathered.

* * *

Chapter 5: Coach Jecht.

Jecht strode down the corridors of the city middle school where he coached. When he first arrived in the city, he wound up wandering into the district school. There he spent most of the afternoon watching the soccer team practice and noticing the want add for a new coach, he decided to apply.

The team, plainly put, was pathetic. They've been at the bottom of the rankings for as long as they could remember and due to that, they aren't too optimistic. Well Jecht did need a job, and sports was one of the few things that got Jecht really fired up.

As he approached the training ground he thought back a little. Back when he had first arrived, the team was made of weak, soft bellied, pathetic excuses for players that made the mannequins look downright awesome. After the school let Jecht have his way...

He arrived at his 11 man team's locker room, what greeted him was a room full of strong, though, men; the result of Jecht's unique brand of training.

But no matter how good they become, Jecht will always treat and address them the same way, with contempt.

"Well you little wusses," Jecht declared, "do you think you have what I takes to impress the Great Jecht?"

"Of course we do!" Leon, the team captain, replied. Then he turned to his team, "Isn't that right?!"

"SIR YES SIR!!" the team chorused.

Jecht hearty laughed, "We'll see..."

* * *

Out on the field, Jecht subjected the team to a training routine so brutal that even soldiers would be fearful.

Let's face it, making people run around the court for the next three hours whilst carrying various objects that weight almost a ton would be considered a little harsh. Nonetheless, this is what Jecht calls basic training. Later on, Jecht orders the team to begin something that could be easily related to your garden variety slug out match. Now that that's done with, the actual soccer training begins.

Jecht stood on one side of the field while his team went against each other in a manner that could potentially put then in hospital wards.

"Come on you little monkeys!!" Jecht shouted 'encouragingly' "that all you got!!"

"The way you little babies move, there's no chance in hell of you winning tonight's match!!" Jecht said, reminding them of tonight's important event.

"I doubt you'd be able to score a single goal tonight!!"

Despite the brashness that Jecht was showing, the team still respected him. They did so because he had done what no other coach had, he actually manged, through the continuous verbal and physical abuse, to inspire them to prove him wrong.

So, for the first time, the team was trying hard to win the championship.

Jecht stretched out a little. Despite what he said, the team was now skilled and strong enough to at least make it to the semi-finals. Something Jecht would be very proud of, though he'll never admit it.

Jecht was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the unmistakable sound of clanking armor. He turned around and saw Garland striding towards him.

Jecht waved a hand, "Hey there Garland, what brings you here?"

Garland stood next to him, "Thought I'd drop by. By the way, I got fired."

"Really?" Jecht asked, "Why'd they fire such a good officer?"

Garland shrugged, "They said something about killing too many suspects. Apparently officers are only allowed two suspects a month."

Jecht laughed, "Ain't that a fact. Judging from what I've read in the papers, I'd say you've done in more that what officers are allowed to for almost a year and a half."

Garland nodded, "Thus resulting in my untimely retirement. By the way Jecht, you're the coach for this team?"

"Pretty much," Jecht replied, "I applied after watching these little sissies, since then I've been training these pathetic excuses for players."

"Pathetic excuses for players?" Garland questioned, looking at Jecht, then at the players, then back, "You're giving them too little credit Jecht. I'd recruit these guys into our army any day!"

Jecht shrugged, "That's your opinion."

Garland rolled his eyes from underneath his helm, "A good one though. But I'm wondering Jecht."

"What?"

"How can you be the coach of this school's team yet at the same time run the bar I once saw you at?"

"Oh that!" Jecht replied scratching his head, "Well, after getting accepted as the coach, I walked around town and wound up in an old, run down bar. After some negotiation, the owner agreed to sell me the bar for a low price. I spend my evenings, free time and money running and renovating the bar."

Garland nodded, "That explains that...why are they training so hard anyway?"

"Tonight's their first match under my coaching," Jecht replied.

"And they hope to impress you and prove you wrong by winning?"

"Probably," Jecht said, then added in a whisper, "Just like I planned it."

Garland sighed then whispered back, "So you mean you've been insulting and abusing them to encourage them to prove you wrong?"

"Yup, just like what I did to Tidus. And hey, it worked."

Garland shook his head, "And I used to wonder why your own son hated you..."

Jecht shrugged, "But in hindsight, maybe I was a bit too harsh on him."

"You give yourself too much credit," Garland replied.

A few moments of silence passed between the two while the team proceeded to rip apart the goals.

"Hey Garland, you're not doing anything tonight are you?" Jecht said.

"No," Garland replied, "but I am on the look out for employment so who knows."

"Okay, still if you got the time," Jecht responded.

"Sure I'll be there," Garland replied, "would you mind if I invite the others?"

"It's alright with me," Jecht replied spreading his arms, "the more the merrier they say."

"Sure, see you tonight then," Garland said, then he turned and left.

Jecht waved goodbye then turned back to his team.

They had completely destroyed the goals and were now beginning to rip apart the stands.

"Oh!" Jecht shouted in amusement, "so the little wusses think they can impress the Jecht with that?!"

* * *

Later that evening.

Tidus, Bartz, and Zidane walked down the corridor in the local soccer stadium where Tidus' match was to be held.

"Fancy stadium!" Bartz commented.

"Yeah I know," Tidus replied, "apparently soccer is the thing around here."

"How did you end up as the team's captain anyway?" Zidane asked.

"I showed up for this team's exhibitions," Tidus explained, "I showed them a few of my moves and you can pretty much guess what happened next."

"Pretty much," Zidane replied looking around.

"Squall said he and the group would be here before the game," Bartz commented, looking for any sign of the scar faced brunette.

"Yeah he did," Tidus replied also looking around, "wonder where he is?"

---0---

"Something wrong officer?"

"Just need to ticket you for a minor violation," Snafu replied.

"What minor violation? I haven't done anything wrong."

Snafu motioned to the trunk, "Your taillights are green not red."

"What the he-" the driver turned to the man in the passenger's seat, "WARRIOR!!"

The man shrugged while the two other passengers just sighed.

---0---

Garland walked around the corridor with Ultimecia and Cloud of Darkness.

"Where the heck is that Jecht?" Ultimecia asked.

"I don't understand why we have to be here," CoD complained.

"Simple," Garland replied, "because I said so."

CoD rolled her eyes then noticed something.

"Is that...Mateus!?"

Garland turned and looked, near one of the entrances was the Emperor himself. Except he was wearing a black tuxedo and was flanked by two men wearing tuxedos, shades and had strange black devices in their right ears.

"What's with that get up?" Garland asked no one in particular.

"Must be in relation to his job," Ultimecia said as they started towards him.

Seeing them, Mateus also walked towards them.

Mateus laughed a little, "How wonderful to see you all again."

Garland ignored the laughter, "Where have you been? We haven't heard from you for a while."

"I've been occupied," Mateus said, examining CoD and Ultimecia, "interesting..."

Ultimecia was wearing red slacks, and a low cut white shirt. She also wore a red bomber jacket with black fur trim on the collar along with red boots and gloves. She had managed to accomplish the astonishing feat of hiding her wings inside the jacket.

CoD, on the other hand, was wearing a green trench coat and jeans.

"Nice of you two to have finally evolved a taste of clothes," He commented with a smirk.

CoD crossed her arms and looked like she didn't care, Ultimecia threw back one of her bangs, "...Whatever..."

"I swear that boy is starting to rub off on you," Garland muttered, "Well? Let's go find the others."

They moved away from the area with the two tuxedo wearing men following them. As they vanished into the crowd, two men appeared. One wore a long black coat and had long silver hair, the other had white hair and wore a tuxedo.

"Where's the booth again?" Sephiroth asked.

"Up a few more flights of stairs," Golbez replied.

"We are getting paid for this right?" Sephiroth asked as they walked up the stairs.

"Of course, we are_ substituting _for the _missing _men"

Sephiroth smirked, "Yeah, _substituting_..."

Other end of the stadium.

"Oooooooooooooooooh so many people!!" Kefka exclaimed, "I'm gonna-!!"

An armored hand grasped the Clown's skull.

"Not on my watch clown boy," the sky blue biker snarled.

"Calm down Exdeath," the white suit wearing genome said.

"Like I can calm down with this one threatening to destroy everything he can get his hands on," Exdeath replied. "besides, I promised Garland that you two wouldn't cause too much commotion."

"Tch," Kuja said tossing his hair backwards, "what did the big armored lummox-"

Another armored hand smacked Kuja's head and knocked him face down. Then a foot stepped on his head while the hand grabbed his tail and yanked it hard.

"Who's the lummox Mr. Missing Link?"

"Ah-! Garland!!" Kuja shouted trying to get up, "Get- ow!- your hand off- ouch!- my- yeow!- tail!!"

"As you wish," Garland sneered, letting go of the distressed genome's tail and stepping off.

Kuja bolted up looking annoyed.

"I told you all to never touch my tail!" Kuja hissed as he stuffed his tail down his pants, "besides, we're in a public place!"

Exdeath gave a hollow laugh, "Don't worry no one saw your precious tail."

Just then, Mateus walked in, "My, my, strange to see a destroyer wearing some proper attire."

Exdeath hmped while Garland took a moment to examine him.

The helmet was still on, except he was wearing shades over the visor. He was wearing a black shirt with a flaming skull in front, over that he wore a black long sleeved leather jacket with the shoulders ripped open. He wore black pants and giant steel toed boots. He also colored his spikes on his shoulders silver and had brass knuckles on both gauntlets. Not to mention having an assortment of silver rings. All in all...

Garland was about to ask him about his bizarre choice of clothing, but was interrupted when Ultimecia and the Cloud of Darkness showed up.

"Do you not bother to wear anything else Clown?" CoD asked.

"Because I'm the insane BAD guy!!" Kefka responded, "That's WHY!!"

"And no villain can go to the games without hotdogs and soda!"

They all turned and saw a man wearing a long white coat that reached to a few inches above his ankles. His sleeves reached all the way to his wrists, his hands had white gloves on. The palm of the gloves were plain, while the back had a few curious blue designs on them. On top of his coat, he wore a silver shoulder cape that stopped just above his elbows and was split from his high neck collar down. The edges of his coat and shoulder cape were tinted blue and the flaps of his cape had a thin layer of silver and blue designs on them. His coat, like his cape, was split down the middle showing his white button down shirt, the sleeves of which can be seen protruding a little from the sleeves of his coat, and his white slacks. Inside the coat, they could make out a thin golden chain hidden by the left flap of his coat, the chain extended from his waist up too his chest. He wore simple white shoes, the top of which were slightly covered by his slacks.

He stood there holding out his right hand which was holding a hotdog; in his left hand was a large cup of soda.

Garland was stunned, "Who the hell are you?"

"Aren't we impolite," the man said, "obviously I am hotdog vendor hoping to make a sale...duh!"

"How much is that?" Mateus asked.

"$2.95," the man replied, "add another dollar and you get a soda."

Exdeath suddenly pulled out his wallet.

Emperor watched in shock as the transaction was carried out, "Exdeath how do you plan on eating that!?"

"I'll let you figure that out," he turned around for a moment; then when he faced them again, a loud burp was heard echoing from his armor.

They watched in silence as Exdeath contemplated for a moment, then said, "These hotdogs of yours are...interesting. Give me more!"

The man held out his hand, "Well then give _me _more," he said with a sly smile.

"Certainly!!" Exdeath said, forking out a large sum of money.

The man smiled and clapped his hands together, "Excellent..."

He turned around and shouted, "Captain!! Get cooking!!"

In a stand a man wearing a pointed mask, a cassock and an apron on top of it nodded and snapped his fingers.

A the sound of sizzling was heard, Garland rolled his eyes.

"We'll save you a seat Exdeath," Garland said, "let's go guys."

With that they left Exdeath and the man.

East side of the stadium...

"Finally here!!" Luneth said happily.

"It's so nice of the Warrior to arrange a meeting with all us," Terra said walking up to Luneth.

"Yeah but I get the feeling he has ulterior motives," Cloud said worryingly.

"Lighten up Cloud," Terra said, she looked around.

"Bartz!! Zidane!!" she shouted, "Over here!!"

She, Luneth and Cloud walked over to them.

"Hey there!!" Bartz said, "sorry to tell you, but the ace is already with his team."

"But don't worry!" Zidane pipped up, "we'll be accompanying you in his stead."

"Somehow that doesn't sound good," Cloud said.

"You're no fun Cloud," Bartz commented, "where are Squall and the others?"

"Probably stuck in traffic somewhere," Cloud said waving off to the distance.

---0---

"For the last time! I didn't intentionally turn my taillights green!"

"Are you color blind!! step outside and take a look!!"

The Warrior pulled out a watch, "We don't have time for this."

"Shut up!" Squall hissed, "You're the cause of this!!"

"Then allow me to remedy it," Warrior said calmly, then he snapped his fingers, "Officer please go check our taillights again."

Snafu rolled his eyes, "You know you're just wasting your time. I clearly saw that your lights were...red!?"

Squall eyed the Warrior, then turned back to Snafu, "Can we go now?"

Snafu scratched his head, "Okay I guess..."

With that they drove off.

"That was close," Firion commented.

"Once again your control of the light has come helpful Warrior," Cecil added.

"You are most welcome," the Warrior said with a slight nod.

There was a short silence, which was broken by Squall.

"Warrior...why are all of the car's interior lights red!?"

* * *

In one of the locker rooms...

Jecht stood there examining his team. They came a long way from when he first met them...time for his speech.

"So...you guys think you can win tonight's match?"

"Yes we do!"

"You're ready to win your first game in years?"

"Yes Sir!!"

"Well I think you can't do it!! Do you know why?! Because you're weak!! You are still those little wusses that I met when I first arrived!! Hell I don't think you would be able to score a single damn goal!! You are gonna get crushed, C-R-U-S-H-E-D DESTROYED!!"

"That is not going to happen sir!! WE-WILL-MAKE-YOU-PROUD-SIR!!"

"THEN GET OUT THERE AND PROVE IT!!"

"YOU HEARD HIM BOYS!! LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

The team stamped towards the field, practically breaking down the door.

Jecht smirked, "Looks like I did good." then his smirk grew dark, "Do I feel sorry for whoever we're facing."

---0---0---

Other locker room.

Tidus changed into his sports attire, the general atmosphere was good. Since the team they were facing had a record for being complete and total pushovers.

"This should be an easy match," one of his teammates commented.

"You bet," another replied, "these guys would probably get flattened faster than the grass."

"But," one of them voiced out, "I heard they got a new coach recently."

"What's the difference it's gonna make!"

"Well, I heard he's been pushing the team hard. And I also heard that he looked a bit like a sailor with the body of a bronzed god."

Tidus suddenly froze.

"Something wrong captain?"

"Nothing," Tidus said, "let's go out there and win!"

"BOOYA!!"

The team left the locker room in high spirits. But there was a nagging thought in Tidus' mind.

"I have a bad feeling about this," he said to himself.

* * *

At the stands...

Cloud passed the hotdogs to his comrades.

"Thanks Cloud!" Luneth said sitting on Terra's left.

"Nice one!" Bartz, seated on the row above Terra, remarked upon receiving his.

"Hey give me one!" Zidane, next to Bartz, said.

Cloud handed one over, then he sat down next to Terra and gave her hers.

"Thanks," the half esper said meekly.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm just worried about the others. They haven't arrived yet."

"Who has not arrived yet?"

They turned to the voice and saw the Warrior, Firion , Cecil, and an unhappy Squall.

"What kept you?" Terra asked.

"We ran into some difficulties," Firion said sitting down with Cecil next to Bartz.

"What's the matter Leonhart?" Cloud asked with a smirk, "You look like you're under the weather."

"Screw it Strife," Squall said as he sat down, "You have no idea what he's been doing."

Squall gestured to the Warrior, who sat next to Luneth.

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Can't be that bad."

"You have no idea," Squall hissed.

Cloud just shook his head then noticed, "Hey Warrior, where'd you get the suit?"

"This," Warrior asked, motioning to his silver and blue suit, "I got it from a man I met some time ago."

"Figures," Cloud muttered.

Then they heard the sound of a mike prepping up indicating that game was about to begin.

"I hope Tidus has his game on tonight," Bartz said.

"Don't worry," Zidane said, "whoever they are Tidus is gonna pawn them."

* * *

Other side of the stands.

Garland sat uncomfortably next to the Emperor. Next to Mateus sat Ultimecia and the Cloud of Darkness. In front of him sat Kuja and Kefka, who were busy arguing/chatting.

"Where is that Exdeath?" Mateus asked, obviously unhappy.

"Probably still buying his hotdogs," Ultimecia answered.

"By the way Mateus," Garland said, "why are these two goons following you everywhere you go?"

"What, them?" Mateus replied, motioning to the two men standing ram rod straight behind him, "they are ensuring my safety because of the position I wish to snare."

Garland raised an unseen eyebrow, "I hope you aren't plotting for world domination."

Mateus laughed, "World domination? No, my current plans are of a smaller scale."

"Yet I still get the feeling that your small plans will eventually lead to that," Garland replied.

Then he turned to CoD and Ultimecia, "How about you two? Any luck with employment?"

CoD shrugged, "None, I cannot find any that suits me yet."

Ultimecia smirked,"Well, it appears I've had better luck then. Though I am not yet officially employed, I do have my eye on a job."

"Good luck then," Garland said, then he leaned forward, "what about you two?"

"I don't want to discuss it," Kuja said.

"I'll interpret that as you being unhappy with your job," Garland said then turned to Kefka, "and you?"

"Plotting to find my next one," the clown said darkly.

Garland rolled his eyes, "Whatever..."

At that very moment, Exdeath walked down the stairs and sat next to Garland. Nothing strange about that, but he was carrying what seemed like a hundred hotdogs. Another thing, the man that approached them earlier was back, but this time he had a grill strapped around his waist; the man who was at the stand was now behind him, carrying all of the necessary ingredients and utensils.

Before any of them could speak, the man spoke.

"I know what you're thinking, 'what the hell is this guy doing here!?' Simple, your buddy over here just bought every hotdog we had for sale. I thought it would be unfair for him to miss the game because we were cooking, so I offered to move the stand next to his seat. He agreed."

The man then proceeded to cook hotdogs while standing next to Exdeath.

"...interesting," Mateus muttered, then asked, "where are Golbez and Sephiroth?"

"Probably off being mysterious somewhere," Garland replied.

Mateus shrugged. Then they heard the unmistakable sound of a mike being prepped.

"Good," Kuja said, "the sooner it begins, the sooner we can leave."

* * *

At the commentator's booth.

Sephiroth adjusted the mike.

"Welcome to tonight's season opening match," he said in his usual voice.

At the stands...

Cloud: "Sephiroth!!"

Garland: "Oh! There he is."

"First of all," Sephiroth continued, "I would like to greet you all a good evening. That is, everyone but you Strife."

Sephiroth leaned forward and pointed, "Yes! I see you Strife you little worm!!"

Cloud raised his hand to give a one fingered salute but was stopped by Terra.

"Not in front of Luneth!!"

Cloud growled and eyed the booth.

"That's enough Sephiroth," Golbez's voice said.

Cecil: "Brother..."

"I would like to greet my brother and his companions good evening," Golbez said, "it is wonderful to see you all in fine shape."

"Traitor!" Garland, Exdeath, and Mateus hissed.

"Moving on," Sephiroth interrupted, "tonight's match will be against the favored to win team, the aces, and the sport's practical losers, the bronzes."

"But I've heard that the bronzes have a new coach that intends to turn thing around," Golbez commented mischievously, "and it's not like we know him or anything."

"Very discrete," Sephiroth said with a smirk, ""the teams are now emerging form their respective side. Golbez, if you'd please."

Golbez reached into a suitcase and pulled out a C.D. with the words, "Otherworld" printed on it.

"This F-S match," Golbez said as he put the CD in the player, "requires proper background music."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Sephiroth said as heavy metal instruments began to play, "let the show begin."

* * *

Tidus strolled down the field with his team behind him as he headed to meet with the other team. Even from this distance, he could make out the coach's face.

"No-No way!!" Tidus shouted upon realizing who it was.

The songs lyrics began to play

Go now, if you want it  
An otherworld awaits you  
Don't you give up on it  
You bite the hand that feeds you

Jecht squinted and recognized the boy leading the enemy team.

"Ha!! This will be interesting!!"

All alone, cold fields you wander  
Memories of it, cloud your sight  
Fills your dreams, disturbs your slumber  
Lost your way, a fallen knight

Stands...

Garland: "Guess that's what they meant by F-S match."

Ultimecia: "What?"

Garland: "Father-Son..."

Man: "Cool OST"

WoL: "This should be interesting..."

Terra: "Oh I hope they don't hurt each other!!"

Hold now, aim is steady  
An otherworld awaits you  
One thousand years, you ready?

The two teams met on the field.

"Old man..." Tidus said to his father.

"Crybaby," Jecht replied with contempt, "so you're this team's captain? No wonder they look all skin and bones!!"

"What about yours?" Tidus shot back, "they look like they've been to hell!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE WE HAVE, PUNK!!" the team shouted back.

"Hey," Jecht snarled, "I do the talking here."

"Sorry sir," the team said with bowed heads.

Jecht nodded then turned back to Tidus, "Do you really think you and you're little crybabies can beat us?"

"Of course old man! Just you watch!!"

"HA! I'd like to see you try!!"

"Oh your on old man!!"

They glared at each other for another moment they turned about face and headed for the opposite sides of the field.

"The paramedics are on standby just in case," Golbez said in an eerily calm manner.

"My dear Boys and Girls," Sephiroth said to the mike, "get ready for the game of the century."

The otherworld, it takes you

* * *

Tidus: "Come on! We can take these guys!!"

Jecht: "AS IF LOSERS!!"

---0---0---

WoL: "The violence is starting to become apparent."

Firion: "Did he just-!? Is that even legal!?"

Squall: "Don't think so."

---0---0---

Garland: "...Lord Chaos, and I though I was brutal."

Kefka: "Guess that's what happens when you have a meathead train meatheads!!"

Mateus: "Good lord! They're tearing the field apart!"

Man: "Wonder if their excavation permits are in order."

---0---0---

Golbez: "The brutality...is it even legal?!"

Sephiroth: "Don't know, don't care. All I know is I'm enjoying myself."

---0---0---

Jecht: "Maybe I should trained them to stick to regulations...bah! I'll get to that next session!!"

---0---0---

Cloud: "This isn't a soccer game anymore!!"

Cecil: "This is a war!!"

Man: "Epic..."

* * *

After ninety minutes of brutality.

"The results aren't that surprising really," Sephiroth commented.

"Indeed they aren't," Golbez replied, "from the start, I had a feeling that this would happen."

"And so the final score is, music please, 0-0," Sephiroth said rather amused, "it's a draw..."

"Typical..." Golbez said.

"That was interesting," Warrior said with a trace of amusement.

"Interesting?" Cloud questioned, "they almost killed each other!!"

"And that is what made it interesting."

"...whatever," Squall muttered.

"Man I hope Tidus is alright," Zidane said.

Terra quickly stood up, "Let's go check."

She hurried down the aisle with Luneth, Zidane and Bartz following.

"Well?" Warrior stood up to follow them, "Let's go."

Warrior stepped ahead, followed Cloud, Squall and Firion.

Cecil took one last look at the nearly destroyed field, "That...that was just extreme..."

Other side of stands...

"Well that turned out to be enjoyable!!"

"Shut up clown boy, normally I'd approve of destruction but that...it puts me to shame!!" Garland shot back as they walked towards the exit where Jecht was going to meet them.

"I find it hard to believe that after all that brutality," Mateus commented, "no one managed to score."

"That was the point, scoring was a secondary concern," Kuja pointed out, "survival was the only thing they were concerned about."

"Especially Tidus' team," Ultimecia added, "I'm surprised none of them died!"

"Must be their lucky day," Exdeath commented.

"I'm surprised you managed to eat all those hotdogs," CoD said to her fellow void wielder.

"I can't believe you didn't offer us any," Kefka added.

"I can't believe you were all either too dumb or too occupied to ask," Exdeath retorted.

"I'll ignore that," Garland said.

"By the way," Mateus asked, "why were the commentators Golbez and Sephiroth?"

"The commentators called in sick, so we substituted."

They turned and saw the two of them descending from a set of stairs.

"We don't have a permanent job yet, so we take whatever we come across," Golbez explained.

"Figures..."

* * *

Jecht stood and examined his team, they looked down.

"What's wrong boys?"

"We-we didn't win..."

Jecht laughed, "It's alright. Listen guys, you did well tonight..."

The team looked at Jecht in stunned disbelief.

"But don't think I'll be saying that with every drawn match!!"

The team looked up.

"You were lucky tonight's match was against amateurs, if those were professionals you would've been owned!! next time I expect you to do better! Got that!!"

"Sir yes sir!!"

The team ran off to their lockers.

"That was something huh?"

Jecht turned and saw Tidus standing behind him.

"Guess they were," Jecht admitted, "you guys did pretty well too."

Tidus raised an eyebrow, "Did you just compliment me?"

"Don't want it?" Jecht asked, "Then I take it back."

Tidus laughed, "Whatever then," he looked around, "Hey guys!! did you enjoy the game?"

"What game?" Firion asked.

"Yeah all we saw was a battle," Cecil continued.

"That's how it is I guess," Tidus replied with shrug.

"I just got an idea," Jecht said, "how about you all come over to my bar for a party!!"

"Sounds great!!" Bartz said.

"I would not be so quick to trust the words of the enemy," Warrior said, "besides we should be training in the mountains."

"So that's why you wanted all of us here..." Cloud muttered.

"Lighten up buddy," Jecht exclaimed, "there's a ceasefire remember."

"Yeah lighten up!" Zidane added, "besides a party sounds great!!"

"A party? My Jecht I hope you weren't planning on having a party without us?"

Ultimecia stood there with an evil grin on her face. The Emperor stood next to her.

"Unless of course you've completely gone over?" he said smirking.

"I'll ignore that jibe," Jecht said, "I was planning on inviting you, but you beat me to the punch."

Squall walked up to Ultimecia and examined her clothing.

"...Rip off."

She threw back a bang, "Whatever..."

"Where'd you get the suit?" Kuja asked Warrior.

"From a friend."

"Exdeath is that you!?" A bemused Bartz asked.

"Yes it is me, mortal flesh bag," the evil warlock-tree replied.

"Who were you calling a little worm you psychopathic momma's boy?"

"You're the worm, you failed human-chocobo hybrid."

"Boys!!" Terra said stepping in between, "Not now!!"

"Aw, c'mon! There can never be enough chaos! Let 'em fight!" Kefka sneered.

"Wait a minute, so you intend to have a party with both the Chaos _and C_osmos warriors?" Cecil asked.

"Yeah," Jecht replied, "Why do _you _have a problem with that?"

"Just checking," Cecil replied with a smile.

"Well?" Jecht asked all of them, "Let's go!!"

And they left for Jecht's bar.

---0---0---

On the stands...

The man and Captain stood there watching them leave.

"Never thought Exdeath had a taste for hotdogs," he said.

Captain shrugged, "Who knew."

"Guess you can never predict a Warrior of Chaos' nature," the man said with a shrug, then he checked his watch.

"Well gotta go, I've got a 'meeting' with Chaos."

"Farewell sir."

They left in opposite directions.

* * *

Note: The clothes the villains were wearing has nothing to do with their jobs. Except for Mateus' (you'll find out why soon enough). I just wanted to mess with their clothing.

A/N: ...Good Heavens! That was an abnormally long chapter!! Anyway...I hope you liked it. See ya around.

P.S. I'll try and make the next chapter as short as possible. And the guy in white and the guy named Captain are OC's. I found Otherworld's lyrics on Final Fantasy Wiki.


	6. Garland, the construction worker

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy = **NOT** mine.

a/n: Messing with Garland is fun.

* * *

Chapter 6: Garland, The Construction Worker.

Garland woke up with a splitting headache. Maybe they partied a little _too_ much last night.

He lifted his head and realized that he had fallen asleep on the counter.

Garland groggily got up and looked around.

The place was a mess. Overturned tables, torn curtains, broken glass, ripped up floor boards, etc.

Heck, they even broke the jukebox!

While Garland thought of Jecht's reaction to this mayhem, he heard the said person's voice.

"That was one hell of a party huh?"

Garland turned and saw Jecht standing behind the counter with a smile on his face.

"Yeah it was," Garland replied, "but aren't concerned about your bar?"

Jecht laughed, "I admit it is a mess, but its alright I can clean and fix the place up in no time. If I were you I'd be more concerned about the city."

"What?" Garland asked in obvious shock.

Jecht raised an eyebrow, then laughed hard, "Guess you really don't remember a thing. Okay here's what happened..."

=================================================Flashback==================================================

Everything had been going well at Jecht's party until...

"I challenge you little wusses to a drinking contest!!" the bar owner shouted.

"Not interested," Cloud replied.

Sephiroth snickered, "Afraid of a little alcohol Strife? But what should I expect from someone like you..."

Cloud narrowed his eyes and grabbed a mug, "You're on..."

"Hmph," Sephiroth smirked and also picked up a mug, "let me see you defeat me..."

To his left, Squall also picked up a mug while muttering, "Well, what's there to lose?"

Jecht smiled and asked, "Alright! Who else?!"

From the Chaos side came Garland and Kefka. From the Cosmos side came Firion, Cecil, Bartz and Zidane.

"What about you," Jecht asked his son, "Afraid of losing to the Great Jecht?"

Tidus shook his head and grabbed a mug, "Not a chance old man."

"You're actually entering?" Emperor asked Garland.

"Sure," the armored knight replied, "this should be fun!"

Mateus shook his head while Cloud of Darkness questioned Kefka's actions.

"And why exactly are you entering?" The Cloud asked the Clown.

"Because I want to have some fun!" the demented clown shouted then he turned to the Cosmos warriors, "what about you Terra? Don't you and that little brat want to have some fun?"

Terra shook her head and backed away, "No I don't. I'm content with just sitting here."

"Aw come on!" Kefka taunted, making his way towards her, "Don't you want to have a little fun?!"

Terra jumped backwards as the clown leaped at her. Before he could leap again, Luneth got in his way.

"What is it kid?" Kefka asked in a sinister voice, "you want a piece of me?"

"You stop bothering Terra," Luneth declared pulling out his sword.

"Oh! The little one thinks he's so tough?!" Kefka teased.

They were about to go at it when Warrior grabbed Luneth while Exdeath grabbed Kefka.

"Perhaps you two need to be reminded of the ceasefire," Warrior said.

"Pah! I don't need you reminding me that!" Kefka jabbed a finger at Luneth's direction, "let's settle this with Jecht's contest!!"

"You're on!!" Luneth replied heatedly.

"Luneth," Warrior said sternly, "you are too young to drink."

"Bah! Let him!"

"And you," Warrior turned to Kefka, "if you wish to go drinking, do not force those who wish otherwise to join you. Exdeath if you'd please."

"Be gone!" Exdeath threw Kefka into the counter.

Warrior then turned to his comrades, "Are you sure about what you are doing?"

"Sure we're sure!!" Bartz replied.

"It'll be fun!" Zidane added.

"It shouldn't be too bad," Cecil said.

"Besides," Firion said, "what's the worse that could happen?"

Warrior sighed, "I have a bad feeling about this..."

* * *

"Looks like your feelings were correct Warrior," Golbez commented.

Warrior stayed silent. His now drunk comrades had begun to wreak havoc in the small bar. Apparently the drinks were too strong; even Squall was joining in on the mayhem. Everyone who had joined in the contest was now going berserk...well everyone but Jecht and...

"Why aren't you drunk Sephiroth?" Ultimecia asked, "I saw you drink just as many mug fulls as Cloud."

Sephiroth smirked and picked up his mug, "I've got a high tolerance..."

"More like you cheated," Mateus said taking Sephiroth's mug and sampling it, "this is nothing but water!!"

"Heh heh..." Sephiroth took the mug back, "It's not cheating, it's called being wise."

Emperor was about to retort when...

"I just thought," one of the bar's other patrons said, "what's up with the damn weather bureau? "

"Yeah those idiots never seem to get the predictions right!" another one added.

"That pisses me off!" the first one replied, "I go to all the trouble of preparing for a downpour that never comes!!"

"Have to admit," a drunk Cloud said, "that is pretty annoying."

"I know!!" Kefka shouted, "Let's take it out on the city!!"

"HURAAAA!!!" _all _the drunks, including the ones they didn't know, shouted in unison.

They stormed out of the bar and waged war on the city.

=============================================End Flashback================================================

Jecht put a mug of coffee and today's newspaper on Garland's table, then he sat opposite of him.

"That's what happened, though I wouldn't blame you for not remembering."

Garland took a sip of coffee and lifted the newspaper. The headline immediately caught his attention.

"Clown Arrested for Leading Mob."

On the front page was a picture of Kefka being herded away by police for a second time.

"What happened to the others?"

"Well," Jecht replied scratching his chin, "none of our side got caught since only you, me, and Kefka were drunk. Sephiroth was cheating so he wasn't drunk. As for the Cosmos warriors, Cecil and Firion never managed to get out of the bar because of Golbez, the others that were drunk helped Kefka and the other patrons tear up the city. From what I know, that shinning guy is reprimanding them."

Garland sighed, then flipped through a few pages of the paper. He stopped and began reading the classified ads.

"Hmn...there appears to be a huge call for construction workers."

"What do you expect," Jecht began cleaning up the bar, "they went on a rampage."

"Interesting. They'll accept any able-bodied person and they get paid a decent wage," Garland folded the newspaper and finished his coffee.

"Guess I'll see you later then," Jecht said as Garland headed for the door.

"Good luck repairing the bar," Garland replied, "I'll see if I can get the others to help."

Garland closed the door and Jecht went back to work. Suddenly, the door opened again.

"Something wrong Garland," Jecht asked turning to the door, "Wait, you're not Garland."

In the door way stood a muscular, roughly middle aged, white haired man who wore a long two tailed red coat over his red and black clothing.

He walked in carrying a guitar case and asked, "What happened to this place?"

"Drunk party," Jecht replied, moving behind the counter, "something I can do for you?"

The man sat down, "A beer and strawberry sundae."

Jecht laughed for a moment, "A beer and a strawberry sundae? I like you already. Let me go see if we got some."

While Jecht searched for the necessary ingredients, the man looked around.

"Must've been one hell of a party."

"You have no idea," Jecht emerged with a mug of been and some ingredients, "I'll have the sundae ready in a minute."

"You do that," the man replied, "what do you call this place? I don't see a sign."

"You want a name," Jecht asked, giving the man his sundae, "I'll make one right now!"

Jecht thought for a moment then said, "I got it! The Sublimely Awesome Jecht Bar Mark IV!!"

The man laughed, "Isn't that a unique name. So I reckon you're Jecht."

"Well you reckoned right," Jecht said, grabbing a mug of beer, "what's your name kid?"

"For the record, I ain't no kid," the man replied, "name's Tony, Tony Redgrave."

"Nice to meet you Tony," Jecht lifted his mug, "I get the feeling we're going to be great friends."

They clanked their mugs together in laughter.

* * *

Meanwhile, Garland was accepted as a construction worker. Party due to the need for strong workers, and party because of his fame (or, more possibly, his infamy).

Garland's first order of business was to repair a road that looked like it had been bombed.

"Okay our job is to repair this here road," the CO was shouting over the ruckus, "the earlier shift already flattened out the surface, all we have to do is asphalt it."

He pointed to a big truck, "That truck over there will be laying down a thin layer of asphalt so don't get in its way. Unless you fancy becoming a permanent fixture on the road."

He moved over to Garland, "Your job is to even out the asphalt using that steamroller!"

He pointed to another big vehicle that had huge rollers for wheels.

"Got it?"

"Yes sir!" Garland said with a salute.

The man rode on the big asphalt truck, "Let's get going people!!"

As the truck moved forward, Garland stood near the area to be repaired. There he saw a man sweeping aside some rocks.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Cleaning obviously," the man replied, not looking up.

"Garland!!" the CO shouted, "pick up that pipe and get out of there!"

Garland picked up a long metal pipe, stood up, shouldered it, and turned sharply.

A loud clanking sound reverberated through the air, though neither Garland nor his CO heard it over the hum of the machinery.

The asphalt truck passed over the area while Garland got on the steamroller. He started the engine and drove forward slowly, then he suddenly stopped.

There was a large lump in the area he stood at moments ago. He pondered what it was then remembered.

"What happened to the guy who was cleaning?"

Realization dawned on him fast, "Whoops..."

Now Garland had two options, he could confess to his mistake or...

He hit the gas and drove over the lump. Upon seeing that it was still there, drove over it again, and again, and again, and again, and again until the road was perfectly flat. He jumped out of the steamroller and stomped on the ground where the lump was a few moments ago.

"Garland!!" the CO's voice cut through the air.

Garland gave a crisp salute, "Sir!"

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked taking a look at the ground.

"Checking to see if the road is flat!"

"Well hurry it up we have a- what the heck is that?"

Garland looked at the ground and saw a small red puddle, he racked his mind for an excuse.

"Um, uh...ketchup?"

The CO looked at him for a moment, then shrugged, "Well a few bottles are missing...never mind. Get back to work."

"Sir!" Garland jumped back onto the steamroller and continued.

No one ever noticed...

* * *

An I-beam is a long heavy metal beam that, if looked at the proper angle, looks like a capital "I." Normally it would take either a crane or several strong workers to carry one around. Garland is not a normal worker.

After collecting his pay from the road work, Garland was transferred to a team that was in charge of repairing and building, well, buildings.

Now he was carrying several I-beams on his shoulder as he navigated the build site.

"Garland!" a voice to his left called.

"What?" Garland called quickly turning left.

"Hey watch it!" a voice behind him shouted.

"Watch what?" he turned around.

"That was a close shave," another voice to his right said.

"Close what?" he turned right.

After seeing that there was nobody around, Garland walked away.

Moments later, the incident repeated itself. Garland kept turning to the sound of the voices but never saw anyone there. Finally a voice shouted,

"STOP SWINGING THE DAMN I-BEAMS AROUND!!"

Garland turned his head and saw a worker cowering in fear.

"You've been hitting people and support columns all morning!" the worker informed him, "one more support column and the building might collapse!"

"Sorry about that," Garland said, then he turned his whole body towards the worker, "need a hand?"

Unfortunately he knocked down another column.

* * *

After being excavated from the ruins of the two floor building and pinning the blame on someone else, Garland was tasked with the delivery of several materials to a small apartment complex that was under repair.

When he arrived at the complex, he noticed a familiar back.

"Warrior?" Garland asked the blue suited man.

"Ah Garland," Warrior responded, "you are our delivery man?"

Garland shrugged, "Pretty much," he examined the area, "why are the other warriors working? Last I checked, Cosmos didn't owe some gambler half the things she owns."

"Their little rampage last night destroyed part of the city including our lodgings," Warrior explained, "the landlord promised not to evict us if we repaired all the damage with our own man power."

"They why aren't you working?"

"This is punishment for them."

Garland took a closer look and realized that only Bartz, Cloud, Squall, Zidane and Tidus were working. Garland was about to compliment Warrior when he noticed...

"What's with the whip?"

"What this?" Warrior lifted a long leather whip with three ball bearings on the end, "This is for 'persuasive' measures."

Garland rolled his eyes. Just then, Terra walked by and gave the workers a drink. Then she noticed Garland.

"Hello there," she offered him a glass, "want some?"

"Don't mind if I do," Garland took a glass and walked over to a small hut where the rest of the Cosmos warriors were gathered.

"Well Garland," Firion said as he approached, "what brings you here?"

"I delivered some materials," Garland said as he sat down.

"So you're a construction worker now?" Cecil asked.

"Yup."

"Funny," Luneth commented, "could've sworn I saw you driving a police cruiser once."

"Well I used to be," Garland replied taking another glass of lemonade.

"I wonder of Warrior will let them have a break?" Terra asked looking at the five workers.

"Don't think so," Garland said.

"There!" Bartz exclaimed, "we've cleaned up all of the rubble."

"Now can we please have a break?" Zidane begged.

After a minute or so of silence, Tidus exclaimed, "Come on man! We've been working nonstop for four hours!"

"...very well then, a fifteen minute break," Warrior replied, then he turned to Cloud and Squall, "why aren't you two complaining?"

"Don't underestimate us," Cloud replied.

"We're not as weak as those three," Squall said gruffly.

"Good," Warrior replied, then added, "In that case you can go unload Garland's truck."

Cloud and Squall looked at him in disbelief, "WHAT!?"

"Well you said you weren't tired," Warrior replied lifting his whip, "Well? Chop-chop."

Cloud and Squall took a look at the whip, then at Warrior, then left mumbling under their breaths.

"By the way Squall," Warrior called out, "a friend of mine said he'd come by in a day or two to fix your car."

Squall nodded, "Good."

Back at the hut...

"Why aren't you helping them Garland?" Cecil asked.

"Because Warrior never said 'help Garland unload the truck' all he said was 'unload Garland's truck'" the armored knight replied.

Terra looked at their 'workers,' "I'm thankful I didn't drink last night..."

"Even if you did he probably wouldn't have made you work," Firion informed her, "I'm glad Golbez stopped us."

"I'm glad I'm too young to drink," Luneth said.

"Guess you're lucky then!" Garland said with a laugh.

* * *

After that eventful delivery, Garland was tasked, along with another worker, to mix some cement.

They set up a simple procedure; the worker would open the bags of materials and hand them over to Garland who would then proceed to mix them in the machine.

"Hey you're Garland right?" the worker asked.

"Yes I am," Garland replied, not looking up from the control panel.

"Cool! You were a great officer," the worker handed Garland another sack of materials, "some of my friends joined the force because of you."

"That's good to hear," Garland grabbed the sack and threw it in.

"But what I can't figure, is why you're here?"

"That? Simple," Garland reached for the sack but instead grabbed the man's shirt, "I got retired early because of a misunderstanding with the rules. If I had paid more attention I probably-"

He looked around, the man was gone.

"Where'd he run off too?"

Garland shrugged, "Hey! This batch is ready! Move it along!"

Garland watched as the batch was poured underground. He was about to start another one when he noticed something, a yellow hardhat was inside the mix.

His eyes widened in shook. He ran across the site, "Stop the pour!!"

The operator took one look at Garland and stopped.

Garland dashed past all of the stunned workers only stopping next to the hole.

"Hang on!" he shouted, "I'm coming to get you!!"

* * *

After a heroic rescue and much praises, Garland was reassigned to welding some support columns together.

There he was welding together some _crucial _support columns. He had a welding mask on but that made things almost too dark to see. To make things more difficult, this one column was moving slightly.

Frustrated, Garland grabbed the column with his free hand and continued welding.

After a while he was finished. He tossed the welder to one side and started to walk away, but was held back by his left hand.

"What the hell?" Garland examined his left hand, "Well damn!!"

In the darkness, he discovered that he had accidentally welded his hand onto the column.

He began pulling on his hand in an attempt to break free, after a while a voice suddenly shouted.

"Garland? What the heck are you doing? Come on!!"

"I'll be right there," he replied, then he addressed his hand, "one last try."

He pulled on his arm with all the force that he could muster after five seconds he managed to remove it.

Garland was delighted to be able to walk away from the column, but was disappointed when he realized that part of the column was still attached to his hand.

"Damn it, not again," he muttered as part of the upper floor crashed down on him.

* * *

Jecht sat in his properly repaired bar and swapped stories with Tony.

"What do you do for a living Tony?" Jecht asked over their nth mug of beer.

"I'm a demon hunter," Tony replied.

"Demon hunter huh?" Jecht motioned to the guitar case, "What do you do? Whack them over the head with a guitar?"

"Na," Tony replied. And, in a drunken haze, he pulled it up and opened it revealing a claymore with a skull on the hilt and the end of the handle split and pointing outwards, "I use this," he reached into his coat and pulled out two guns, one black, one white, "but mostly these."

Jecht lifted one of the pistols and read the script out loud, "Ebony & Ivory?"

"Yup," Tony replied putting his feet on the counter, "Cool huh?"

"I'd say," Jecht replied. He was about to say more when the door opened and Garland walked in.

"Hey there," Jecht poured another mug of beer and gave it to the knight, who sat down next to Tony, "how was your day?"

"It was great," Garland replied, "But you won't see me in construction sites anymore."

"Uh...why?"

"Because I tend to do more harm than good, so I quit," after a pause he added, "By the way, I saw your son. Light was working him like a slave."

"At least he's being put to good use," Jecht replied with a laugh.

Garland looked around, "Patrons returning?"

"Yup, I fixed up the place pretty well."

Garland nodded, then turned to Tony, "Who are-?"

"Hey Jecht," Tony asked, ignoring Garland, "Who's the lummox?"

Garland was silent for a moment, "Let me correct myself, who's the dick?"

"Name's Tony Redgrave, and you are?"

"Garland."

"No last name?"

"Pretty much."

Tony laughed, "That's interesting."

Garland then noticed the sword on the table, "Who's sword is that?"

"It's mine," Tony replied.

"You call that a sword?" Garland sneered.

Jecht pulled out his peculiar blade, "This is a sword!"

Tony whistled while Garland laughed.

"Those two are puny!!" he lifted his greatsword and placed it on the table, "THIS is a sword!!"

"Ha, ha! We're in agreement there," Tony turned to Jecht, "hey Jecht, get this guy a sundae!!"

---0---0---0---

On the far side of the counter.

The hotdog man sat there watching them.

"...those swords are toothpicks compared to Chaos'," he commented.

"Indeed sir," Captain, seated next to him replied.

"Hey Jecht," the man called out, "turn on the T.V. something interesting is on."

Jecht walked back to his companions and raised the remote.

The T.V. came to life and showed a blonde, spiky haired man with an extra long ponytail. He wore a black tuxedo and was flanked by two men wearing similar attire.

"...Mateus?" Jecht mumbled.

"What in the world does he think he's doing?" Garland voiced out.

Tony laughed, "Go check out the banner behind him."

Garland examined the banner, on it were the words.

"Mateus for .. EMPEROR"

"What's that smear between the 'for' and the 'emperor'?" Jecht asked no one in particular.

"It says," the man replied, "'Mayor'"

"How would you know?"

"I've been to city hall. Besides, it's campaign season."

"So he's running for office," Jecht shrugged.

"What can you expect from that megalomaniac?" the man walked over to them.

"Hey!" Garland said in recognition "aren't you the hotdog man from yesterday?"

"Yup."

"You got a name?"

"Of course I do," the man replied, "and it's William."

"Nice to meet you Will," Tony said.

"Never knew you frequented these parts of town Tony."

While they chatted, Garland paid attention to the T.V.

Mateus was talking, "Under my _benevolent _reign..."

"Benevolent my ass," Jecht muttered darkly.

"we shall rise from the ashes and build a shining new EMPIRE!!"

Tony laughed, "Wow, guy's got a vision."

"Not to mention an EGO," William remarked as he sat down.

Garland, however, stood up and threw his greatsword into the floor.

He gave the T.V. the finger and shouted.

"I _**KNEW**_ IT!!! I _**KNEW**_ IT!!! I _**JUST**_ KNEW YOU WERE UP TO SOMETHING!!!!"

* * *

A/N: I do not own Tony Redgrave or any of his things, ten points for the one who can guess who he is (is it even that difficult?).

Anyway, expect the next chapter(a tribute chapter), on may 10 (GMT+8).


	7. Mateus for EMPEROR

Disclaimer: DFF belongs to Square Enix so does all the other Final Fantasies and everything associated to them. I don't own Tony Redgrave either.

Warning: From this point on, random characters from random anime/manga/games may make random cameos. Feel free to suggest. Also, Tony will become a regular.

A/N: Like I said, this a tribute. To who? I hear you ask. Well, May 10 2010 is the elections around here, not just elections, it's the national elections. For the past few months I have been hearing non stop campaigning with politicians saying this and that while we all know that they're lying(well most of them). This is my tribute to you, the world's second greatest liars. Happy elections assholes.

* * *

Chapter 7: Mateus for .. EMPEROR!!

Mateus is a man with a unquenchable lust for power. It is said that if he were to go a few days without it, he would suffer from withdrawal symptoms worse that those of crack. To him, power is a drug and he feeds on it the same way Bab Lamoun feeds on marijuana(do not own Pugad Baboy.).

That would explain his desire to be mayor, or as he likes to refer to it, the position of Emperor.

Now here he was plotting domina- er..._planning_ for his campaign. His political color, seeing that he needed one to be easily identified, was light gold(no surprise there).

He was, however, less than pleased with his surroundings. His initial campaign office was a small rundown office, in a small rundown building, in the most rundown part of town. That, obviously, didn't sit well with him. So in light of this issue, he used some of his "campaign resources" to "persuade" several (three) competitors to "retire" and "surrender" their campaign materials and resources to him.

Funny fact about the city: Every election, at least a dozen and a half politicians go at each other's throat for the position of mayor. This election was no exception, as there were 20 prospective candidates, Mateus included.

Mateus' other troubles included funding, something that was easily solved by Exdeath and one of his "Habits" (refer to chapter one).

Since obtaining the new offices, Mateus and his "Campaign Managers," "Bodyguards," and, "Followers" have been busy spreading his "benevolent" name across the city.

Some random street corner...

Jecht stared up at Mateus' poster in awe.

Tony looked over his shoulder, "'Under my benevolent reign you shall be freed of suffering'...Should I trust his word for it?"

Jecht shook his head, "Hell no. That's a pile of lies if I ever saw one," he re-read the slogan, "Benevolent, ha! More like _male_volent."

"Is he really that bad?" Tony asked, flagging a taxi.

"You have no idea," Jecht rode in the back while Tony sat in front.

In Mateus' campaign office.

The man himself sat behind an ornate table and read the latest election surveys. He frowned upon reading the list.

"What's this?" he asked no one in particular, "why am I almost at the bottom of the ranking?!"

"To tell you the truth sir," one of his analysts began, "the chances of you winning this election are slim."

"Care to explain?"

The analyst cleared his throat, "Well, if we look at things you are the unknown. You arrive in this town from out of the blue and decide that you want to run it. Not that I don't trust you or anything, it's just that the people of this city barely know you. And it's them who chooses the next mayor."

Mateus threw away the list, "I did not enter this race with the intent to lose. What are the options?"

"Frankly sir, I do not think it possible," the analyst replied, "I mean the only conceivable way for you to win is if all the other candidates suddenly decided to quit the race."

Mateus smiled mischievously, "Is that a fact..."

The analyst noticed this, "Sir I hope you aren't planning on doing anything illegal."

"Me, heavens no," Mateus replied, then he smirked, "_**I**_ wouldn't bream of doing that..."

The analyst looked convinced and began to give out suggestions on how to proceed.

Mateus pretended to listen while he schemed his plot. A plot that would ensure victory by default and that required the abilities of...experts.

Fortunately, he knew two people that fit the description.

He stood up and headed for the door.

"Where are you going sir?" his aide asked.

"Out," Mateus replied, "I'm going to recruit some more...help."

* * *

"So that what that bastard's been up," Garland muttered, "I should've known..."

"Does that guy have a history of attempting to take over places?" Tony asked.

"Yes," Jecht replied, "and he doesn't care who gets in his way."

"What do you expect from a megalomaniac?" William asked.

"Nothing more or less," Golbez replied, "find anything of note yet Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth didn't look up from the newspaper, "No. You know, it's kind of hard to look for employment for three people."

"Which makes me wonder why you're even bothering," Tony said.

"I have nothing better to do," the silver haired swordsman replied.

"Tch, excuses," Jecht grunted, "Anyway, what do you reckon we should do to Mateus? I mean, Chaos did tell us not to take any jobs that included long term responsibilities since we're only here for two months. And there he goes wanting to snatch a term that lasts several years."

"Isn't a bar a long term responsibility?" Sephiroth smirked.

"All I need is a couple of guys and the bar'll be fine," Jecht replied.

"In that case I'm the first of those guys," Tony said happily.

"Got that right," Jecht grinned.

"By the way Jecht," Garland eyed Tony's sundae, "how come your bar serves sundaes?"

"Because the bar motto is, you want it we got it."

They looked at Jecht with raised eyebrows for a moment then the door opened.

Mateus waltzed in along with his two goons.

Jecht stopped and smiled darkly, "Well, well. Speak of the devil. I'll be right back..."

Jecht ducked under the counter and began searching for something while Mateus walked over and sat down between Tony and Golbez.

"Greetings everyone," he said mischievously.

"What are you plotting?" Golbez questioned.

"Don't worry," Mateus replied, "I merely have a proposition."

Jecht emerged from behind the counter and shoved a shotgun into a Mateus' face.

"The answer is no pal," Jecht said, "we don't want to get involved in any of your sneaky business."

Mateus looked carefully at the barrel of the shotgun and kept a steady voice, "You dare threaten me Jecht?"

"Yeah," Jecht replied, "I dare."

"Well then," Mateus gestured to the two men behind him, "perhaps they can persuade you to lower that thing so that we can have a proper conversation."

Jecht smirked, "Are you threatening me?"

"Of course," one of Mateus' goons said and both of them reached into their coats.

Before either of them could pull out a weapon, they found themselves not only staring down the ends Tony's pistols. They also found themselves surrounded by Jecht's patrons, who had drawn a variety of weapons ranging from darts and knives to pistols and automatic rifles.

Jecht grinned, "I think you're out numbered pal."

Mateus smirked, "Why would you not hear my proposal?"

"Because it would most inevitably lead to us being used for your own ends," Garland said, still looking at the bottles.

"We're not as stupid as you envision us to be," Jecht said.

"You do realize that I will be paying you for your services?" Mateus produced a check.

"How did that guy say it again, oh yeah," Garland muttered, "_Not _interested."

"I'm listening," a cold voice suddenly rang out.

Jecht looked in disbelief, "Sephiroth?"

"You do know his track record yes?" Golbez asked.

"Yes I do," Sephiroth said as he walked over.

"We are opportunists right?" he whispered to Golbez, "I say we go with his deal and screw him at the time of our convenience."

Golbez nodded knowingly, then addressed the crowd, "Everyone lower your weapons. Me and Sephiroth will talk to Mateus about his deal."

"What?" Jecht asked in disbelief, "you can't be serious?!"

"Of course we are," Golbez replied calmly, "now lower your weapons."

Jecht and Mateus' goons did, but not Tony and the patrons. All their weapons were still pointed at Mateus and his goons. After a while, Jecht realized that they were waiting for his word.

"Okay fine. Everyone, put 'em down," the crowd lowered their weapons, then Jecht leaned closer to Mateus, "I'm warning you, any funny business and you know what happens."

Mateus dismissed him with a wave of his hand and turned to Golbez and Sephiroth.

"Wonderful, you two are exactly who I wanted to talk to."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, "And what would you have us do?"

"Simply a little...job..."

* * *

On a rooftop over looking a small side road two men began to prepare. In approximately 15 minutes, a convoy would drive down that very road. The convoy happened to carry one of the people who sought to become this city's leader. The two men on the roof were there to "convince" him to cease his pathetic struggle. In short, Mateus sent them.

Golbez looked over the sniper rifle one more time, "Are you sure you know how to use that?"

"Of course," Sephiroth replied, "if that guy could use one without any training, I don't see why I can't."

Golbez shook his head and looked into the distance, "They're coming. I'll move into position."

Sephiroth flexed his muscles and readied the rifle, "Sure..."

Golbez disappeared into the darkness.

As scheduled, the convoy, consisting of two vehicles with guards inside and a limo that drove between the two. As they passed a streetlight, Sephiroth opened fire.

His shots were impeccable. He successfully flattened the limo's tires with his first few shots. As the convoy stopped to investigate, the two guard vehicles went airborne thanks to two well placed Nightglows. The sniper then proceeded to shoot the limo's windows and mirrors off...yes he even shot off the rear view mirror. After shooting the limo driver with a tranquilizer designed to take out elephants, he put down his rifle and waited for his partner to finish the job.

Golbez emerged from the shadows and made his way towards the limo. He leaned forward over the broken back window and said to the occupant.

"Good evening sir."

"Who are you!?" the man asked, "What do you want!?"

"Simple," a long, slender, purple dragon snaked out from behind Golbez, "I want you..."

The dragon made its way towards the man's face. Then both Golbez and the dragon spoke.

"...to quit."

A dragon's roar, followed by a human's scream, tore through the night.

---0---0---0---

Golbez and Sephiroth walked away from the scene plotting their next move.

"You didn't kill him did you?" Sephiroth asked.

"I did not, I merely frightened him."

"Hmph, by the way Golbez," Sephiroth said looking amused, "I think I just might not double cross Mateus."

"And why?" Golbez asked, curious.

"Because," Sephiroth said with a smirk, "I think I might just enjoy myself."

---0---0---0---

Next morning the candidate announced that he would be backing out.

Candidates left: 15 + Mateus.

* * *

Mr. Wells was one of the prospective mayors of the city. Ever since the incident that involved a dragon of sorts, he had increased the amount of security around him. The only time it was lax was when he went for a potty break. As what he was doing now. He exited the bathroom and froze.

Outside were 12 cloaked and hooded people. They stood there in a semi-circle surrounding him.

"You mean to scare me?" Wells asked pulling out a .45 caliber pistol, "Gonna have to do better than that."

The men pulled out a variety of blunt blue weapons.

"We do this for master!!"

They charged Wells, who pulled the trigger.

---0---0---0---

In a nearby abandoned apartment.

Sephiroth sat in deep meditation while Golbez lined up .45 caliber bullets on a window sill.

After a minute of silence, that was broken by a scream of agony, Sephiroth stood up.

"It's done."

"Good," Golbez replied, "let us make haste."

Sephiroth nodded, "By the way, thanks for emptying his gun."

---0---0---0---

The next morning Wells made an announcement.

He lay on bed with his two new bodyguards, a thin man and a muscular man; both of them wore hats, masks and shades to protect their identities. There he announced that, despite his injuries, he will not back down.

The media was impressed with his courage, later that evening however...

Wells once again found himself surrounded by the cloaked men, who had apparently entered through the window.

"We have warned you!!" they chorused, "Master wanted you gone, yet you still here!! Now we must punish you!!"

Wells grinned and motioned to the door, "Do you think my two new bodyguards will let you? With all your chorusing they should've heard you by now!!"

The hooded men looked at each other for a moment, then one of them at the back said, "Ummm...yes..."

They inched closer.

"Any second now," Wells declared.

They moved even closer.

"Any second..."

They produced chains and whips.

"Any second..."

They raised their weapons.

"...Oh God..."

Outside the room...

The thin man removed his hat and let his long silver hair down. He then removed his shades and his mask.

He looked to his left and saw that his companion was doing the same.

"You did cast a sound proof wall in the room right?" Sephiroth asked.

Golbez nodded, "Of course I did, now the rest is up to your 'men'"

"They should get the job done this time..."

"...do you intend to kill him?"

"No I don't," Sephiroth smirked, "They do."

He jerked his thumb towards the door.

---0---0---0---

"Late last night," the reporter was saying, "Mr. Wells' bid for the position of mayor was abruptly canceled when he was found dead due to unknown causes."

Mateus smiled and lifted a checklist.

"Mr Wells...," he crossed out the said name, "Goodbye..."

Candidates left: 14 + Mateus.

* * *

Late one evening, Mr. Jacobs was returning home alone in his car when he accidentally ran over a humpbacked man wearing a dirty brown cloak. Any sane and caring person would've stopped and checked if the man was alright, but not a politician. Instead, he gunned the engine and drove off at high speed. After driving for a few blocks, he slowed down.

He grinned at the thought of a successful escape, but then...

A monster ripped the ground open in front of his car and stopped it. It was larger than his car and looked vaguely human. It crawled on all fours with half a rotting face; it also had four strange tentacle things coming out of its body.

It reached forward, broke the windshield, and pulled him out of the car.

"Greetingsss flesssh bag," the monster said, "I am Scarmiglione, and my massster sssent me to pick you up."

Scarmiglione dived back into the hole taking Mr. Jacobs with him. The hole in the ground promptly sealed itself soon after.

Seconds later, an "opportunist" came by and took Mr. Jacobs car...

---0---0---0---

Early the next morning, Mateus was watching the news again.

"Two mayoral candidates, Mr. Jacobs and Mr. Edwards, vanished under mysterious circumstances. Also, Mr. Dewfuss announced that he was canceling his bid for mayor and vanished soon after," the reporter was saying, "Mr. Jacobs disappeared while driving while Mr. Edwards vanished from his home. Witnesses state that they saw a tornado carry Mr. Edwards form his home last night..."

Mateus laughed, "Impressive," he pulled out his checklist, "Goodbye Mr. Jacobs, Mr. Edwards."

---0---0---0---

"What could Golbez be doing?" Jecht asked, looking at the black armored man who sat at one of the tables conversing with a man that wore a red cloak and had the look of a devil.

"Must be planning something," Tony replied, "from what I reckon, he and that other guy are probably the ones scaring off the mayoral candidates."

"Must be what Mateus wanted us to do," Jecht poured a mug, "clear out the opposition so he could win."

Tony laughed, "Guess that guy doesn't know what the word 'rules' mean."

"No he doesn't," Jecht walked over to Golbez's table with two beers.

"Here you go," he put down the beers and noticed that Golbez had the blueprints of a building laid down on the table.

"Jecht, this is Rubicante an old friend of mine," Golbez said motioning to the other man, "Rubicante, this is Jecht a fellow Chaos warrior."

"Nice to meet you," Rubicante said.

"You too," Jecht replied, then he walked away, "I'll leave you two to your schemes."

"An interesting man," Rubicante commented.

"Indeed," Golbez motioned to the map, "do you know what has to be done?"

Rubicante nodded, "I shall not fail you."

Later that night...

Golbez sat on the couch and waited. Moments later, two others came.

One was Rubicante, the other was a large demon like turtle.

"Ah Rubicante, Cagnazzo, what you to report," Golbez asked.

"I have done as you wished," Cagnazzo said.

"Excellent," Golbez clapped his hands, "and you Rubicante?"

"All is in order..."

"Good..."

---0---0---0---

Mateus laughed at the latest news.

"Today another candidate discontinued the fight. When questioned why, he remarked and I quote, 'Why? The DEVIL HIMSELF came to my office and told me to back off. When someone who just sprouted out of the floor bringing an inferno with him tells you to stop, you STOP!' unquote."

"Maybe...they're...too...good," Mateus said between laughs.

Candidates left: 10 + Mateus.

* * *

Mr. Swan's limo now traveled with two SUVs filled with heavily armed guards. The limo was driven be a heavily armed driver and a had a heavily armed man in the passenger's side. He rode in the back of the limo separated from the driver and passenger by a pane of bulletproof glass. One might say this is a bit too much, but given what's happened to the other candidates, this is acceptable.

The convoy continued down a country road and through a field of black smoke, after they passed it the lead car suddenly stopped.

In front of it stood a man with long silver hair and an impossibly long katana. He stood there denying them passage, moments later he began to walk towards the limo.

"What are my guards doing!?" he shouted in panic, he locked all the doors of the limo just to be safe.

Moments later, the driver side door of the lead car opened and a man stepped out.

For a moment Mr. Swan was relieved, until he realized something.

The man was not a guard. He had long silver hair, though not as long as the other man's. He had black boots and a long black coat that was zipped up over his chest. He walked casually towards the other man and together they stood in front of the limo.

Swan looked back to the other SUV and saw another man emerging from the driver's side.

This one was also not a guard. This one had slightly spiky silver hair with sideburns and wore clothes similar to the second man. He stepped away from the vehicle and stood behind the SUV.

Swan quickly tapped the glass in panic, "Quickly!! Drive!!"

When the driver turned to him, he jumped back in fear.

Seated there next to the unconscious passenger was another man with shoulder-length silver hair wearing a coat. He sat there smiling at him, he waved at him then left the car.

A heavy cold hand was suddenly laid on his shoulder.

He turned to his left and saw a man wearing armor of the deepest black.

The man turned to him, "Good evening Mr. Swan..."

"What do you want?!" Swan stuttered, "How did you-?"

"We have our ways," the man replied calmly, "now on to business. We need to talk..."

---0---0---0---

Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz, and Golbez stood on the side and watched the vehicles leave.

"Well...that went well," Golbez stated.

Sephiroth shrugged, "Then let's call it a night, you three come on."

"Yes brother," the Remnants said simultaneously.

Golbez sighed, "Wait till Kefka hears about this..."

Candidates left: 9 + Mateus.

* * *

At the bar...

"What the heck is this Sephiroth?!" Jecht laughed, "You said you'd bring me powerful men not your kids!!"

The Remnants looked insulted.

Sephiroth massaged his temples, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that..."

"Mind you Sephiroth, you're not a very good father," Jecht continued, "I mean, look at them!! They're all skin and bones!!"

He jabbed a finger at Loz, "Especially this guy!!"

Loz looked genuinely stunned, "What!?"

At the counter, Tony laughed, "If you call that malnourished, I'd hate to see what you call muscular."

"You want muscular?" Jecht patted his chest, "this!" he patted Garland's bicep, "this!" he pointed to Golbez's abdomen, "and that! Those are muscles!!"

Sephiroth rubbed his temples even harder. Yazoo pulled out his Velvet Nightmare and patted Sephiroth's back, "Don't worry elder brother, we'll take care of this for you."

Sephiroth frowned as Kadaj pulled out his sword and Loz prepped his Dual Hound.

"Oh! So the kiddies think they're tough?" Jecht grabbed his sword, "Let's take this outside! Tony! Man the bar!"

Tony saluted as Jecht and the Remnants went outside.

After a while, Sephiroth stopped rubbing his temples, "Golbez...I just had a brainwave."

"You have a brain?" William asked mockingly.

In moments William found himself impaled through the stomach and attached to the wall.

"Well damn," was all he had to say for himself.

"What do you have in mind?" Golbez asked, curious.

Sephiroth leaned over and whispered something into his ear.

Golbez nodded, "Very well...I shall assist you."

* * *

Cloud woke up with a massive headache for the fourth day in a row.

He shook his head and headed for the washroom where a cold shower helped him wake up.

Afterwards, Cloud stepped out of his room and headed to the second floor where the kitchen was located.

"Good morning," he greeted the other Cosmos warriors.

"Good morning Cloud," Terra poured him a cup of coffee.

"What's up Strife?" Squall was standing by the window, "Looks like a herd of behemoths stampeded on your face."

"Very funny Squall," Cloud took some bread, "Where's Warrior?"

"He and his friend are fixing Squall's car," Cecil replied.

"He has friends?"

"Apparently," Firion replied.

"Uh...CLOUD!!" Bartz voice came from the living room.

"You have _GOT _to see this!!" Zidane added.

Cloud, Squall, Firion, Cecil and Terra all went to the living room.

"What is it?" Cloud grunted.

Luneth motioned to the TV and they all turned to watch.

"For the past three nights," the reporter was saying, "various politicians running for mayor have been chased out of the city by a unknown man. Last night, an image of the man was finally taken."

The image was displayed on the screen and the Cosmos warriors, especially Cloud, jumped back in shock.

"The image was taken from a security camera so it is a bit fuzzy," the reporter continued, "but one can clearly make out that the man has blonde hair with an abnormally large spike. He is seen wearing simple pants, an indigo no-sleeved shirt, a large belt with a curious insignia, brown boots, gauntlets, and a single pauldron on his left shoulder. He was also seen wielding an oversized sword that was capable of being broken down into six individual swords. As shown here,"

The video showed the man running around with the sword covering his face, but not the huge spike of hair on his head. The man ran up to a car while glowing with a blue aura. Upon reaching the car, he pulled off a move using the six swords. A move that eerily familiar to anyone who had seen Cloud go up against Sephiroth.

"Any information on this man will be-"

Squall turned off the TV, "...Well. Never thought you hated politicians that much Strife..."

"Care to explain?" Tidus said.

Cloud was at a loss for words, "...uh that...er...well...that-that wasn't me!!"

"Oh, an is suppose there's there's another spiky haired freak wielding an oversized jigsaw sword in this town?" Squall sneered.

"Tell us the truth Cloud," Terra said kindly, "Was it, or was it not you?"

"It wasn't me! I'd never do anything like that!! Sure it was my body and my sword but-"

"So you're saying that your body can move on its own now," Tidus said.

"I know!" Bartz suddenly piped out, "Maybe Cloud's brain was kidnapped by aliens!! Then they took over his body and had some fun!!"

Everybody was silenced by that ridiculous idea. Then Squall spoke.

"Maybe...you're right. I have been around aliens before..."

They looked at Squall incredulously.

"What?" Zidane asked in surprise.

"Well I did encounter an alien before," Squall explained, "but all it wanted was an elixir. Five to be exact. We once caught it abducting a lot of strange things, though I can't imagine why it would want _his_ brain."

Cloud growled and then realized, "That's it!! It must've been him!!"

"Who?"

"SEPHIROTH!!"

Luneth rolled his eyes, "Here we go again. Cloud, why do you keep blaming Sephiroth? I think you think too much."

"You don't know what he does when he's bored," Cloud picked up the assembled Fusion Swords, "I'm going to go get some answers."

"Uh Cloud," Tidus was leaning out the window, "outside may not be the best place for you..."

"Why? Sephiroth's not something I can't handle."

"I know," Tidus motioned to a car, "but can you handle him?"

Warrior was using a wrench in an attempt to adjust the car's side mirror. Inside the vehicle, The Red Mage was snapping his fingers, trying to get the lights back in the proper color.

Suddenly, the radio came to life and barked out the news that was first heard on TV.

Upon hearing the man's description and the variety of things he did, Warrior suddenly jerked his hand and broke the mirror he was adjusting.

"Something wrong?" Red Mage asked, then he jumped back when he saw Warrior's face.

"Wrong? Nothing is wrong," Warrior replied with a disturbing smile, "I am perfectly calm and composed!"

"Warrior," Red Mage backed away even more, "your eyebrows are twitching..."

"Really? I had not noticed," he turned to the second floor window and saw Tidus, "Tidus!! Please tell Cloud that we have something to discuss!!"

"Tell him also that resistance is futile!!" Red Mage called out.

Warrior walked towards the door while Red Mage snickered, "If White Mage could see you now...she wouldn't be surprised."

Tidus turned to Cloud, "You are dead pal..."

Candidates left: 1 + Mateus.

* * *

Golbez and Sephiroth were taking over a beer.

"It appears that our plan to use Cloud to scare away the last few competitors has encountered...a problem," Golbez was saying.

"The fool got caught by a camera and is now tied up," Sephiroth grunted.

"So how do we finish the job?" Golbez asked, "there is only one left..."

"We could use another Warrior," Sephiroth suggested.

"Not Cecil," Golbez said quickly.

"Of course," Sephiroth racked his mind for an idea when.

Red Mage strolled into the bar, "Fancy place!"

He walked over to the counter and encountered Tony.

"Another man in red," Tony commented, "Hooray to be us!!"

"Put it there!" Red Mage gave Tony a high five.

"Who are you?" Jecht asked.

"I'm the Red Mage of Light," he replied proudly, "You probably know my friend, the Warrior of Light."

"You don't say," Jecht moved away while Sephiroth and Golbez exchanged looks.

Moments later, Sephiroth and Golbez approached him.

"Something I can help you with?"

"You say you are friends with the Warrior," Golbez began.

"How far would he be willing to go to save you?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yes, we're friends. And he'll go pretty far."

"Would he destroy a building to save you?"

"More like a town. Even more so if White Mage was in trouble."

"I see," Golbez scratched his chin, "would you be interested in becoming 70,000 gil richer?"

"Make it a 100,000 and I will be."

"Deal," Golbez replied, "we simply require you to be..."

"Kidnapped," Red Mage finished.

* * *

Warrior stood in front of a fortress like office building. In his left hand he carried shield with sword attached. In his right, he held a ransom note.

"So you have kidnapped my companion and demand a ransom," he crushed the note and threw it aside, "I do no deal with thie-, I mean criminals! Hold fast Red Mage! I am coming to save you!!"

Sephiroth and Golbez watched as Warrior tore through the building faster than a demolition worker high on cocaine.

"That should scare him," Sephiroth smirked.

"Yes it should but," Golbez shifted to get a better view as cars and people went airborne screaming, "I hate to imaging what Warrior might do to us if he finds out."

"What's the worst he could do?"

---0---0---0---

"As you were saying Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth ignored Golbez as he fixed his eyes on Warrior.

He, Golbez, Cloud and Red Mage were currently bound and were hung from the ceiling over a pit full of horrible monsters only the heavens know where Warrior found.

"Let me get this straight Red Mage," their captor said, "For 100,000 gil, you pretended to be kidnapped so I would drive away the people who were occupying that building?"

"200,000," Red Mage replied, "I asked for a raise."

"Basically you're confessing," Warrior put his hand on the lever that would lower them to their dooms, "any last words?"

"What am I doing here!?" Cloud asked.

"Because under Sephiroth's influence or not," Warrior gently eased down the lever, "you have still committed a grievous act of misbehavior that must not go unpunished...goodbye for now."

Warrior pulled the lever all the way down and just stood there watching them.

"You do realize that none of us really benefit from all of this?" Golbez inquired, "the only one that truly gains anything out of this is-"

"Mateus. I know," Warrior pulled up the lever and stopped their descent, "don't worry, I'll see to it that he is reprimanded."

"That does mean you'll let us go right?" Cloud asked.

"Yes it does," Warrior stepped towards the door, "but I shall leave you there for a few moments while you reflect upon your actions."

He left, probably to go after Mateus.

Left hanging over the pit of monsters the unfortunates reflected on the events.

Sephiroth turned to Golbez, then to Red Mage, and finally to Cloud. He smiled broadly, "It was worth it!!"

* * *

Election results.

City's voting age population: 156,000 (approximation)

Votes for Mateus: 156,000 (approximation)

...What did you expect? After Sephiroth and Golbez's little adventure, the only mayoral candidate left was Mateus. Thus Mateus won by default...as he had planned. Normally one would think that this would make Mateus a very happy man, well there is only one problem...

"What's going on here!?" Mateus shouted, "why am I hung from the ceiling?!"

"Simple Emperor," Warrior replied pulling down a lever, "this is punishment for your actions...goodbye."

* * *

A/N: Another long chapter. Good thing or bad thing? You decide. This is how me and a large majority of my country's citizens imagine how the elections will go. No not with them making people disappear, what I meant is we envision the elections to be full of cheating...and lies, don't forget lies.


	8. Garland the  Meat Man

Disclaimer: I do not own Dissidia Final Fantasy and all associated characters and trademarks, nor do I own Tony Redgrave. I do own William (his name should ring a bell) for he is an OC.

A/N: I _**love **_Garland.

Behold my short(ish) chapter!

* * *

Chapter 8: Garland the … Meat man...

Jecht changed the channel for the nth time. Seeing that it was no use, he turned off the TV.

"Can you believe this guy," Jecht turned to Garland, "you can't spend one hour watching TV without seeing his face and hearing him yap about this and that."

"Propaganda," Garland took a sip of beer while he read the classified adds, "a very powerful weapon...and that bastard is obviously trying to use it to secure his power."

"It's five in the effing morning," Jecht glanced at the watch on the wall, "doesn't his propaganda machine sleep?"

"I think they taped the whole thing and are just playing it over and over again," Garland responded.

Jecht sighed. The bar was empty, save for him, Garland, those guys in hoods sitting around a table, and those three kids of Sephiroth's. It was so early that Tony and William weren't there, yet Mateus was already busy making their heads ache.

"Why are changing channels anyway?"

Jecht opened another bottle of beer, "Waiting for the 6 am news. But it looks like he's canceled it to make way for his 'speech.'"

"Like that William character said," Garland flipped another page, "he's a megalomaniac."

"Not to mention a giant dick," Jecht checked his watch, "well I gotta go train my team, tell Tony or William to keep an eye on the bar for me."

"Sure," Garland replied as Jecht headed for the door.

About an hour later, William walked in.

"Hey there Garland," he sat down next to him, "where's Jecht?"

"Probably arguing with his son."

William smiled, "What's make you say that?"

Garland took a sip of coffee, "My time in the police taught me that there is only one training field in this city."

William smirked, "And teams always practice on Sundays..."

---0---0---0---0---

At the city's only training field.

"I told you old man we got here first!"

"As if, crybaby! We were here even before you!"

"HURAAAAA!"

"Stay out of this!" Tidus glared at the muscle heads behind his father, "like I was saying, we physically got here even before you woke up this morning!"

"Physical? Ha!" Jecht patted his chest, "The aura of my awesomeness got here even before you were born!"

"What the-?" Tidus looked stunned, "That-! That doesn't count old man!"

"This is getting weird," one of Tidus' teammates muttered.

---0---0---0---0---

Back at the bar...

Garland stood up and headed for the door.

"Found something huh?" William asked from behind the counter.

"Yup, I'll be back," Garland left.

William picked up the paper and flipped to the page Garland was reading.

"Meat house in search of new butchers?" he threw the paper away laughing, "why do I get the feeling I'll be seeing the owners' and the workers' names in tomorrow's obituaries?"

* * *

Garland strolled into the business establishment. An establishment by the name of Morgue's Meatshop.

He arrived wearing a large white apron over his armor and dragged his huge "knife" behind him.

The establishment was located in a large warehouse; most of the central area was used for the meat processing etc., the offices were located on the far end.

Garland headed over with a form in hand, "Excuse me?"

A man looked up from behind the desk, "Can I help you?"

"I'm here about your ad," Garland lifted a newspaper, then he lifted his sword, "I even bought my own knife."

"Do you have any experience in butchering," the man pulled out a checklist.

"If by butchering you mean slaughtering enemy troops en masse in a variety of inhumanely cruel ways, yeah I'm experienced."

The man scratched his chin, "So you have talent. A little training and that could be converted to something profitable."

He grabbed Garland's form, "You're hired!"

Garland grinned, getting a job in this city was almost too easy.

---0---0---0---0---

"Hey there my name is Jonathan," the man who was supposedly Garland's trainer said, "I'm going to show you the ropes around here."

Garland grunted in approval and Jonathan then led him down the part where the livestock was unloaded and kept.

"This is where the livestock comes for the last journey of their lives," he motioned to the cow milling around unawares, "these guys have no idea what we're gonna do to them."

He then led Garland to a small room, "This is where the process begins. Here we take them out of their misery."

He began to demonstrate, "First you take an ice pick and use it to end them," he demonstrated on a unsuspecting one, "there we go. Takes a little while for them to bleed to death though. You following?"

"Yup," Garland's voice called from behind, "putting them out of their misery right? Well I think I've got it!"

"Well let's see how you did!" Jonathan turned around, his jaw fell slack.

Behind Garland was a pile of cows, no cow carcasses, that Garland had apparently manhandled and/or beaten to death.

"Ga-Garland!" Jonathan stuttered, "were you even listening?"

"Of course I was!" Garland took out another cow with his trusty fists, "you said we should take them out of their misery, that's what I'm doing!"

Jonathan rolled his eyes, "I didn't mean that way! You're suppose to use the ice pick!"

Garland shrugged, "My method works much better!"

Jonathan stared at him for a moment, "...Right...let's go..."

* * *

"I wonder how Jecht and Garland are doing?" William served Golbez a shake.

"If I know anything, they're just fine," Golbez took a sip, "Where's Tony?"

"Off doing a job somewhere no doubt," William turned on the TV, then turned it off again.

"If you don't mind me asking," William said after a while, "what exactly did your fishy friend do?"

"Who, Cagnazzo?" Golbez raised his drink, "he did the same thing he did with the King of Baron."

"So he killed the politician, took his place, announced he was quitting, and then vanished back to you?" William confirmed.

"Yup," Golbez replied as if people did that everyday, "why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," William replied with a smirk.

"I swear I've heard your name before," Mateus mumbled next to Golbez, "I just can't put my finger on it."

"Who's name? Mine?" then William laughed, "well it my name _should_ be familiar to you."

"And why would that be?" Golbez asked.

"You'll have to find out for yourself...by the way _mayor_, what in hell's name are you doing here?"

* * *

Straight to the point, they decided that the best way to train Garland was to have him practice on a piece of meat.

"Okay Garland," Jonathan maneuvered a pig onto the table, "this here is a pig."

Garland rolled his eyes "Duh."

"I need you to tende-"

Garland smacked his "knife" into the pig on the table and broke it(the table) in half. The force was enough to crack the floor.

He turned to Jonathan, "-rize it?"

Jonathan could only sputter, "I wanted you to tenderize it not turn it into paste!"

Garland swung the 'knife' over his shoulder, "Tenderize, turn to paste, what's the difference?"

Jonathan slapped his forehead, "_Maybe I should just take you to the cutting section._"

Moments later, Garland was staring at the carcass of a cow hanging from a hook.

"Okay Garland," Jonathan was saying, "all you have to do is cut this beef into Chuck, Brisket, Rib, Plate, Flank, Short Loin, Sirloin, Tenderloin, Top sirloin, Bottom sirloin, Round and Shank. And GO!"

Garland lifted his twin swo- I mean, twin "knives" and started cutting.

Thanks to a board on the opposite wall that showed the different cuts, Garland was done in no time.

"Well done Garland!" Jonathan recorded his time, _"at least he managed to do this one right."_

"Okay pal," Jonathan turned around, "let's go tell the-"

He was interrupted when he heard the sounds of hacking.

"Uh Garland?" Jonathan watched the new butcher as he ran around well...butchering stuff.

"I think you're getting a little carried away," he stated as Garland began wrecking the tables.

"What are you talking about!" Garland shouted as he continued his rampage, "I haven't felt so ALIVE in DAYS!"

...Apparently depriving Garland of combat is a bad idea...

* * *

At the Warrior of Cosmos' residence...

Bartz and Terra watched Squall as he prepared to drive off to work. While Luneth, Warrior and Cloud sat around the breakfast table.

"I don't get it, why is he still here?" Luneth pointed to Red Mage.

"Do not worry," Red Mage didn't look up from the paper, "we have finished repairing your comrade's car. I will be leaving soon."

"Hey mind if I ask you a question?" Cloud said to Red Mage.

"Aren't you already?" Warrior pointed out.

"Okay. Anyway, I was wondering what you did with 200,000 gil?" Cloud motioned around, "I don't see it anywhere."

"We did what we always did," Red Mage replied.

"That being?" Bartz inquired.

"We gave it to White Mage," Warrior interjected, "who would, after deducting the necessary expenses, then donate it to charity."

Cloud nearly chocked on his food, "You donated 200,000 gil to charity!"

"Pretty much, yeah," Red Mage replied as if it was done by everyone.

"Geez you guys are insane," Tidus said, "it ain't easy to get your hands on 200,000 gil."

"Uh guys," Terra suddenly interrupted, looking into the distance, "I think there's a fire!"

"Where?"

"At the Morgue's Meatshop warehouse," Terra rushed to the living room, "I'm gonna call the police!"

Warrior walked to the window, "...how unfortunate for them."

"Have a heart pal," Bartz patted Warrior's shoulder, "that's probably a lifetime's worth of work turning into cin-whoa!"

"What is it?" Warrior asked.

Bartz pointed to Squall's car, "Since when was Squall's car...violet?"

"What!" Cloud rushed to the window hiding a smirk, "I could've sworn it was red this morning!"

"Actually," Warrior interjected, "the color of Squall's car is black."

"Then why is it blue?" Bartz asked.

Warrior took a look at the car, then at his watch, "Red Mage, our work is not yet done."

Red Mage walked over, saw Squall's car, and tried hard not to laugh, "Well...oops?"

"What's happening to Squall's car?" Terra asked innocently as she walked back into the kitchen.

"Nothing much," Warrior replied flatly.

Cloud smirked, "It just changes color every five seconds or so."

"What!" Terra rushed to the window. And sure enough, Squall's car was gray, five seconds later it was blue, another five seconds and it was pink.

Cloud shook his head and smiled, "Can't wait to see his reaction to this..."

* * *

Garland walked out of the warehouse dragging his "knife" and shaking his head. Okay maybe he got _too_ carried away with the butchering thing. What can he say, he hasn't been in a battle for several days.

He looked behind him, the place looked like a scene from a horror movie. Bodies, man and beast alike, were strewn everywhere, their blood spattered across the walls. His blaze attacks resulted in part of the warehouse catching fire. He cursed himself for his obsessive love for battle.

His thoughts, and cursing, were interrupted by the sounds of sirens.

"_Great, the police,_" he though, _"now I'm going to get arrested."_

Instead of even thinking of fighting, he stood perfectly still waiting to be arrested.

The patrol cars stopped a little ahead of him and the officers jumped out. One of them immediately approached him.

"Garland is that you?" a familiar voice asked.

"Snafu?" Garland called out to the figure, "Is that you?"

"Yes it is!" Snafu said happily, patting his ex-partner on the back, "So, what are you doing here?"

"Listen, Snafu," Garland was about to explain everything when...

"Hey!" one of the other officers shouted, "looks like there was a slaughter here!"

"Any sign of the suspect?" another one called out.

"No, probably dead too!"

Snafu turned to Garland, "Were you here when the slaughter happened?"

"Well um..." Garland scratched his head, "yeah...yeah I was..."

"That explains it then," Snafu suddenly took Garland's hand.

But instead of cuffing him, he shook his hand vigorously.

"Well done pal!"

"W-what!" Garland was stunned beyond words.

"Good job taking care of the suspect!" Snafu said beaming, "I'm sure _you _**killed** him. After all that bastard did, I couldn't imagine a worse fate!"

Garland was still taken aback, "So...I'm not in trouble?"

Snafu laughed, "Of course not! You'll be decorated!" he turned to the other officers, "Come on boys! We were never needed here!"

Garland stood there while they walked to their cruisers and left, Snafu waving goodbye.

Garland stood there for a moment comprehending the situation. Then he eyed the boss' office. And with in it, the money safe...

* * *

What was on TV was something Jecht deemed worth watching.

It currently featured Garland standing next to _M__ayor _Mateus. The latter was awarding the former with a medal for his "valorous" actions. They looked at each with all the hatred they could muster.

William was laughing his ass off, "Look at 'em!"

"Why is Garland getting decorated?" Sephiroth asked.

"Because he apparently killed a mass murderer before he could do more harm," Golbez replied.

"You sure about that?" Jecht asked, "doesn't sound like him to be doing goody stuff like that."

"Well he was a cop," Ultimecia pointed out.

They would've argued more had it not been for William's loud laughter, "Geez you guys are THICK!"

He walked over to the new pool table.

"Well if you know so much, what do you think?" Ultimecia challenged.

"Isn't it obvious," William replied pocketing a ball, "that the suspect and Garland are one and the same!"

He was greeted by silence. Until Jecht shouted, "PREPOSTEROUS! Garland would never do that!"

They kept murmuring about the topic while William kept pocketing balls.

"Believe what you want," William said under his breath and a smirk, "I know all..."

* * *

a/n: I was going to go with Garland the executioner, but the fic's rating would've hit M in no time due to the level of violence.


	9. Ultimecia, the hair stylist

Disclaimer: Dissidia belongs to Square Enix along with the rest of Final Fantasy and lots of other awesome games...go Square!

a/n: If you're wondering why it took me so long to update, it's a combination of boredom, laziness, Princess Resurrection, Final Fantasy 4 (DS), Final Fantasy 6(SNE-fucking-S), and Revenant Wings.

Credit to Intensify for Ultimecia's job.

To Master-of-Omega, yes Gabranth will be appearing though a bit later on in the story, so rest easy.

* * *

Chapter 9: Ultimecia, the hair stylist.

Squall growled under his breath as he, Warrior, Red Mage, and Cloud headed for the auto shop. He was pissed when Warrior managed to turn all the interior lights red; now that his car was displaying all colors imaginable he was truly, royally, and rightfully pissed.

Squall ignored the jibes and comments of the other drivers as he drove towards the auto shop.

"You know pal I don't get you," Red Mage suddenly said, "why would you go to that shop when you have our expertise?"

"Well," Squall growled loudly, "it was because of _your_ 'expertise' that my car is a visual representation of the entire visible light spectrum!"

"Actually," Warrior corrected, "you are missing about a dozen colors."

Squall glared at Warrior and tightened his hold on the wheel.

"Come on dude!" Red Mage reasoned, "what happened was a one-in-a-million chance!"

"But that one-in-a-million chance turned half of Cornelia into a colorful mess if memory serves," Warrior input.

"Well that one wasn't entirely my fault," Red Mage countered, "As I remember, you had a hand in it."

"...I...might have turned the rivers pink," Warrior then added, "but everything else was your fault."

"Except the traffic light doors that said what the situation in the throne room was. That one was Black Mage's fault," Red mage added.

Cloud sighed, "Maybe you two should just shut up..."

"We're here," Squall announced suddenly.

They looked outside and saw that they had arrived at a small garage with the words 'BrkUrK'ar Car Repair' printed on a sign over the entrance.

They drove in and stepped out the car. Everyone was wearing what they usually wore, for Squall it was his jacket and pants, for Warrior it was his armor, for Red Mage it was his all-red get up and for Cloud...

"Why are you wearing your SOLDIER uniform Cloud?" Warrior asked as they searched for the mechanic.

"Same reason your wearing your armor; all of our other clothes are in the wash," Cloud replied looking around.

"I wonder how that girl and kid are doing?" Red Mage wondered out loud.

"They're fine!" Squall growled, "Just focus on finding the damn mechanic!"

-0-0-0-0-

At the 'Dirtier Than -expletive deleted-' laundromat...

Terra was loading in the last of the dirty clothes into the washing machine.

"There sure is a lot of laundry," Luneth set the timer.

"Well there are ten of us," Terra picked up the basket, "eleven when she gets here."

"What!" Luneth exclaimed, "You mean she's coming here! That little bi-!"

"Luneth," Terra said firmly, "I don't know what Cloud has been teaching you, but that is not acceptable."

"Sorry. Actually I didn't hear that from Cloud," Luneth walked towards some chairs, "Squall used that to describe Ultimecia once. When I asked him why he just said that, he said it was the only politically correct way to describe her, and I'm not arguing."

"Figures...," Terra sighed and sat down next to a man with silver hair.

After a few moments, she noted something strange about the man. He was wearing only a familiar black kilt and a familiar cape. The basket he was holding appeared to contain pieces of familiar night black armor. A few moments later it hit her.

"Golbez!"

Golbez looked at her, "Indeed it is I, how nice to see you here."

Luneth suddenly piped, "Wow! I didn't know you had a face!"

Golbez stiffened, "It is a common misconception, one I find highly insulting."

Luneth hid behind Terra, "S-sorry..."

"Apology accepted."

"Wait a minute," Terra looked around, "Where's Sephiroth? He's usually with you."

Golbez sighed, "I made the unfortunate mistake of telling, god forbid, Mateus to keep an eye. Which he did...for half a second as I'm told."

"Where is he now?"

Golbez shrugged, "Probably off stalking Cloud."

Terra's eyes widened, then Luneth tugged her arm.

"Guess he wasn't _that_paranoid."

-0-0-0-0-

Back at the car repair.

"Hey!" Squall stood on one side of a car, "Where's the -expletive deleted-ing mechanic!"

An office door opened and a white haired, white clothed man stepped out holding a female doll in his left hand.

"Hello ignorant, blind, illiterate, morons who couldn't read the sign that clearly says mechanic in all known and unknown languages on top of my door, welcome to my shop," he lifted the doll, "this is a doll of Rinoa, Squall's girlfriend."

"How did you-?" Squall stuttered.

"You have a girlfriend!" Cloud shouted with a smirk.

"Of course he does!," the man spread his arms, "if he has a car of a thousand colors, then he should have a girlfriend!"

Then he pointed to Cloud, "Beside you live in a bar/house with two kids and a chick named Tifa who has awesome assets."

Squall turned to leer at Cloud, "Really...am I the only one who's wondering how those two children came to be?"

"We adopted them you jackass!" Cloud shouted reddening.

"Finishing my insults," the man interrupted, then pointed to Red Mage, "you're the one who turned this car and half of Cornelia into a colorful phenomena-"

"I try to be humble," Red Mage said with a shrug.

"So you do," then the man pointed to Warrior, "And you're the guys who has two chicks fighting behind your back over you."

They all turned to Warrior.

"...Pardon?" Warrior looked confused.

"...Forget what I said," the man then turned to Squall, "what can I do you for, owner of the Spectro car?"

Squall glared at him, "First off what's your name?"

"I'm William," he gestured to himself, "you know the guy at the bar. The Great Sir Jecht's drinking buddy."

"Now that you mentioned it, I did see you there" Cloud input.

Squall waved his hand in dismissal, "Whatever! You know the problem, fix it!"

"I'll charge you triple the usual amount," William said calmly.

"...whatever."

"Three and a half times the usual amount for that whatever," William pulled out a calculator.

"WHAT!"

"Four times the usual for being so surprised," William pointed above him, "don't you read signs stupid?"

They looked above him and saw a sign that read, 'Do not complain or you wallet shalt suffer!'

Squall narrowed his eyes at William, who simply smiled.

"Don't think about trying not to pay either," William lifted the doll and pointed a knife at its throat, "I have leverage."

They glared at each other for a few minutes. Then Squall grunted and left.

"You can pick it up later this afternoon, maybe around four!" William called out.

Squall raised his hand in acknowledgment and stood outside.

"Well we must be going," Warrior left with Red Mage following him.

"One question," Cloud leaned closer, "how do you things about us?"

William smiled, "Well...that's for me to know and you to find out...chocobo-human hybrid."

Cloud glared at him for a moment more, then left.

Once he got outside he asked, "So what do we do now?"

"Well we have things to do," Squall checked his watch, "it's two pm let's meet back here at four."

They all nodded and went their own ways.

Back inside, a man approached William.

"Shall we begin sir?"

"Yup," William turned to the car, "Hey Captain, I noticed something."

"And that being?"

William grinned, "That this car has become a major subplot! So let's get it over with so the jackassery can continue!"

He turned to one side, "Hey Houzain! Ohzahmah! Get over here!"

* * *

Cloud decided to wander around town for a bit. His stroll took him from place to place until he decided to go to Jecht's bar.

On his way there, he stopped by a back alley doughnut shop and brought something to eat. He was about to continue when he noticed something.

The manhole cover in front of the shop looked a bit out of place. Normal people wouldn't be bothered in the slightest but not Cloud.

His belief in Sephiroth's back handedness knew no bounds, and being ambushed by him hiding in a manhole wasn't very weird compared to being ambushed by the silver-haired swordsman hiding in the _girl's _restroom.

He slowly approached it with the assembled Fusion Sword at the ready. He was about to turn the manhole cover into the definition of sliced and diced when...

"Hey what do you think you're doing!"

He turned and noticed a security guard heading towards him.

"Were you about to destroy that manhole cover?" the guard asked when he got next to Cloud.

"No officer," Cloud quickly thought of an excuse, "I was uh...going to nudge it back..."

The guard eyed him, "With that sword! You could've have broken it!"

"Sorry officer," Cloud muttered.

The officer shrugged, "Just don't do it again."

Cloud nodded and was about to leave when the guard suddenly called out.

"Hey you know I think I've seen that sword of yours before."

"Really?" Cloud lifted his sword, "where?"

"Where I used to work," the guard explained, "there was a guy who came in the middle of the night, come to think of it you look like that guy."

The guard's eyes widened, "Wait you **are** that guy!"

"Huh?" Cloud backed away as the guard pulled out a gun.

"I've been waiting for this," he motioned with his gun, "put the sword down!"

"What exactly did I do?" Cloud continued to back away.

"Don't play dumb with me!" the guard approached, "I've been waiting for this! you're the punk who scared away my boss!"

"That!" Cloud held the sword with both hands, "that wasn't me!"

"I told you not to play dumb! It is you! You're even wearing the clothes you used that night!"

"_Why did I have to take a walk on laundry day," _Cloud thought, then said, "Look I didn't mean to do that! Someone was using me!"

"Oh sure!" the guard was now standing over the manhole, "and who would that be!"

"That would be me," a voice from under the manhole cover said.

The two men looked down at the cover. Moments later, something propelled it and the guard all the way to the other city block.

From the hole, Sephiroth emerged holding his sword. Coinciding with his appearance, a strange music began to play.

He turned to Cloud just as the lyrics began, "Cloud..."

Showdown stance, "Sephiroth!"

"Cloud..."

"Sephiroth!"

"Cloud..."

"Sephiroth!"

" Mateus is our future! "

Sephiroth's eyes widened and he took a deep breath, "What the hell!"

Cloud's jaw dropped, "Damn, it's one of Mateus' brainwashing gigs!"

A van with speakers and posters of the said man drove into area.

"Remember, Mateus is our one and only **EMPEROR**!"

"Goddammit isn't that bastard already content that he's mayor!" Cloud plugged his ears.

"Grrrrr," Sephiroth lifted the Masamune, "In Jenova's sweet merciful name, kill that four wheeled spreader of evil!"

15 minutes later...

The van was...totaled to say the very least...you try being hit by every spell, skill, and limit break that the two know.

Sephiroth patted Cloud in the back, "We did well."

Cloud did the same, "You said it."

They stood there grinning at each other like idiots for a few moments, then the sound of swords clashing was heard.

Sephiroth jumped a short distance away and lifted the Masamune, "Let's do this Strife! This time I will win!"

Cloud swung his sword around, "In your endless dreams!"

* * *

Warrior and Red Mage walked about the town noting the people's new hair dues.

"That's a strange hairstyle they're sporting," Red Mage commented.

"Yet it is quite familiar to me," Warrior replied.

"Really huh? Looks cute."

"You wish to try it?"

"Yup! You think White Mage would like it?"

"Mayhap she would. Let us, as they put it, give it a shot."

Moments later, they arrived at a seemingly Victorian era building that was being used as a hair salon.

The moment they entered, the owner greeted them.

"My, my. I didn't expect to see the Warrior of Light here..."

"I cannot say it is a pleasure. But a ceasefire is in effect," Warrior motioned to him and Red Mage, "we are here to inquire of your services."

"Whoa Warrior, hot chick," Red Mage took a look at the owner, "maybe I should visit you more often."

The owner giggled, "Flattering. Please, have a seat..."

* * *

Later that afternoon...

Squall headed to the auto shop to pick up his car.

"Hey, how's my-!" Squall stopped cold when he saw the employees.

They were standing in a circle around his car break dancing.

If that wasn't strange enough, they were also sporting hair styles that gave Squall the chills.

Now that wasn't enough to scare Commander Squall Leonhart too much...until of course William spoke up.

"Wonder what the world will think about our new cult?"

"_They worship that -insert Squall's politically correct description here-" _now Squall was freaked out, he ran off.

Captain paused from his break dancing, "Sir I believe Squall Leonhart just took off without taking his car."

"Think he got scared off by our break dancing, car loving, weird wig wearing, beer drinking cult?" William still continued break dancing.

"Mayhap," Captain resumed break dancing.

Squall meanwhile was headed back to their residence.

"I'm gonna get my Gunblade, find that -insert Squall's politically correct description here-, and set things straight, ceasefire or no," Squall muttered.

Squall suddenly realized something, every-fricking-where he looked he saw the same thing. Seas upon seas of that ridiculous hairstyle that still gave him nightmares. The thought of how this many people had become puppets under her control was just chilling. But how? How had she done it!

Realization dawned on him, "That's it! Time Compression! She must've done it behind our backs!"

He bolted towards the house, "I have to warn the other Warriors! I have to warn everyone! I-I have to warn Rinoa!"

Squall dashed past two men. Both wore headgear to hide their hair; one wore a horned helmet while the other wore a red hat with a feather.

"Where is Squall going without his car?" Warrior's gaze followed his bomber jacket wearing comrade's back as he sprinted towards the house.

"Must've remembered something important," Red Mage kept walking, "Let's be good friends and pick it up for him."

* * *

Cloud walked in seeking rest. That battle with Sephiroth was inconclusive thanks to Tony's interference. Now here he was with tattered clothes; he hoped Terra was back. When he entered the living room a strange sight greeted him: Squall Leonhart, their Squall Leonhart sat on the couch and looked like a wreck.

"I am telling you!" he was saying, "That witch Ultimecia has been up to something! I need to talk to Cosmos!"

"Now, now Squall," Terra attempted to comfort him, "I'm sure we should just talk to her and everything will be settled."

"You're taking her side!" Squall jumped backwards and brandished his Gunblade at Terra, "What has she done to you!"

Zidane, Bartz, and Tidus leaped backwards while Luneth pulled out his sword.

"Squall," Bartz said edgily, "put the gun-sword down..."

"There's no need to be so hasty Squall," Zidane edged towards a sword conveniently lying on a table.

"Let's not so making hasty conclusions," Tidus was reaching inside an open duffel bag behind him.

Luneth was tossing his sword from one hand to the other, "We wouldn't want anyone getting hurt now..."

"Hands where I can see them!" Squall waved the Revolver around.

Zidane suddenly threw the sword at Squall while Tidus threw a blitzball at him. Bartz summoned a replica of Firion's axe and also threw it at the deranged SeeD commander. Squall simply blasted them off their feet using a Fated Circle.

Terra was knocked to the floor. Next thing she knew, Squall was standing over her his Gunblade raised over his head, ready to impale her.

"Don't worry Terra! I'll pry that sorceress using witch out of your head!"

Terra narrowed her eyes as they began to glow, her hair began to change color, and her hands began to spark magical lightning.

Squall brought the sword down while Terra lifted her hands. Fortunately for Squall and most of the living room, Cloud hit Squall's face with the broad side of the fusion sword knocking him to the ground and into dream land.

"Cool it Squall," Cloud helped Terra to her feet.

"What is wrong with him?" Terra brushed the dirt off her clothes.

"Must've seen something really freaky," Luneth got back on his feet.

"Its got to really be something to scare Squall like that," Zidane sat up.

"Might have something to do with that new hairstyle I've been spotting," Tidus rubbed his back.

"You mean _**that**_ new hairstyle," Bartz was standing next to a window, "yeah it's pretty scary, especially to Squall."

At that moment, Squall got up.

"You okay pal?" Tidus approached him carefully.

Squall grabbed Cloud's collar, "Where's Cosmos!"

Cloud nearly jumped back, "Get a grip Leonhart!"

"Yeah," Terra pulled them apart with Zidane's help, "you're overreacting to the city's newest trend."

"Are you people blind!" Squall jammed his finger towards the window, "She's taking over! Can't you figure it out!"

Squall got up, "I need to see Cosmos! We have to do something!"

"What exactly happened and is going on in this room?" came an eerily calm voice from the door.

"You heard the man! Explain!" another voice added, "And by the way scar boy, we got your car from the shop."

They turned to the door and saw Warrior and Red Mage. For some strange reason, it looked like their hair was pulled into their headgear.

"Warrior!" Squall headed over to him, "Perfect! I need your help!"

"You need my help?" Warrior echoed with a hint of disbelief, "this sounds very much unlike you."

"Whatever!" Squall went face to face with Warrior, "I need to talk to Cosmos!"

"For what reason?"

"Ultimecia!" Squall began gesturing out the window, "that witch is up to something I'm sure of it!"

"Oh she is indeed up to something," Warrior replied calmly getting everyone's attention, "In fact, we just saw her a few hours ago."

"What!" Squall shouted in disbelief. Terra covered Luneth's ears, Squall was probably going to say words that Luneth didn't need to hear.

"You saw that -expletive deleted-ing -insert Squall's politically correct description here-!" Squall's eyes widened, "What was she up to!"

"Same as the other Chaos warriors; she has opened a business is doing quite well," Warrior reached for his helmet, "In fact, the trend has taken the city. Which reminds me, I have a question...actually the two of us."

He and Red Mage took off their headgear. When they did Squall's pupil shrunk and he visibly paled.

Warrior and Red Mage were sporting a hair style that was horribly familiar to anyone who had met Ultimecia.

"How do we look?" Warrior asked flatly.

"GRAAAGH!"

Squall ran to the bathroom, "She's gotten you too! No one is safe!"

The bathroom door slammed shut and moments later the sound of flushing was heard.

"What is he doing!" Tidus headed over.

"He's probably trying to flush himself down the toilet," Red Mage fondled with his new hair due, "don't worry, the worst that could happen is he could clog the toilet with his head...or he could get transported into another world and be named its king."

"Interesting," Warrior scratched his chin while Bartz, Cloud, Zidane, and Tidus rushed off to help Squall.

Terra looked at them uneasily, "Uh...are you two planning on making that permanent?"

"Of course not," Warrior clapped twice and his hair glowed, moments later it was back to normal.

"And I was just starting to like it," Red Mage snapped his fingers to the same effect.

"Uh...do you know that you could've permanently mentally scarred Squall?" Terra inquired.

"I do not think it to be that serious," Warrior replied clapping his hands again and redoing his hair, "nonetheless, I will see if I can assist him."

"Later girl," Red Mage waved at her as he and Warrior left.

Terra sighed as, moments later, another terrified scream was heard.

Terra rolled her eyes, "Sometimes I just wonder..."

Then she noticed the destruction in the room then thought of how much destruction would occur in the process of restraining and reconditioning Squall. She sighed.

"We'll never be able to fix all of that in a speedy fashion. Maybe I should ask Warrior to hire some help?"

* * *

In Jecht's bar.

Jecht served everyone free drinks to commemorate Ultimecia's success in conquering the city in her own personal way.

"Cheers for taking over the city with your hairdo!" Jecht lifted a mug of beer.

"Huraah!"

Ultimecia, wearing her regular attire, smiled, "Thank you all. I'm flattered."

"And also!" Jecht continued, "Cheers for the high probability of you exerting more influence than that bastard of a mayor!"

"I'm right here Jecht!" Mateus shouted from a table, "And its not Mayor! Its **EMPEROR**! The first bill I signed officially changed the title!"

"Like I said," William called out, "A megalomaniac!"

"Not to mention a huge dick!" Jecht called out.

"I'll let that one slide," Mateus growled.

"Oh! So now the dick is angry!" Jecht jeered.

William nearly chocked on his drink, "Jecht...do you know how many absurdly wrong connotations that has?"

"Of course!" Jecht patted his chest, "I'm _**the**_ JECHT!"

"Got that right!" Tony lifted his mug.

"I'm not even surprised," Garland muttered.

"You know," one of the patrons suddenly said, "I was so tempted to follow in on the trend. Sooooo tempted!"

Then he raised his mug, "But this bar comes first! Priorities man! Priorities!"

There was a general chorus of 'Huraah' from the other patrons.

"That's my boy!" Jecht waved his mug around a little.

"My child," Ultimecia's voice was silky and covered in honey, "do not resist temptation..."

"Don't mind if I don't!"

William slammed his mug onto the counter and stared straight at Ultimecia's chest, much to the surprise of everyone at the bar.

He started panting like a dog and making rasping sounds. Garland's, seated behind him, jaw dropped...if you could see his jaw.

"Good Chaos what the hell are you doing!"

"Simple!" he said through rasps, "I'm not resisting temptation!"

Sephiroth looked very close to laughing while Golbez looked mentally disturbed.

Mateus and Jecht's eyes were the size of dinner plates while Exdeath and Cloud of Darkness looked like they didn't care one bit.

"My, I guess this is the cost of over exposure," Kuja sneered.

Ultimecia threw him a glare before turning back to William, "TIME!"

William froze and Ultimecia proceeded to beat the crap out of him using whatever she could get her hands on. Which included, but not limited to, Sephiroth's, Garland's and Exdeath's swords, Jecht's shotgun, Mateus' staff, Loz's Dual Hound, and various mugs and chairs.

When she was done, she unfroze time and William started rolling around in unspeakable pain and agony.

"What the -expletive deleted-! This goddam -expletive deleted-ing hurts! What the flying -expletive deleted-ing tri goddam -expletive deleted-ing -expletive deleted- did she -expletive deleted-ing do! god-expletive deleted-ingdamit!"

Ultimecia watched him roll around in pain with a smile on her face while the other warriors and patrons backed away.

"Remind me not to get on _her _bad side," Jecht muttered to Tony.

"Will do."

* * *

Note: expletive deleted=unprintable words. =)


	10. Mr GR Land, Babysitter Extraordinaire

Disclaimer: Square Enix rules! And thus, owns Final Fantasy.

a/n: Good News: Here is the next chapter (noticing a trend?). Bad News: The school year is about to begin.

It was easy to figure out who Tony is. Now, let's see if you can guess who Warrior was talking to (do not own these individuals).

Did anybody else wonder where Kefka went?

* * *

Chapter 10: Mr. G.R. Land, Babysitter Extraordinaire.

Luneth pouted as the other warriors prepared to leave.

"Why can't I come along!" he pouted as Bartz and Zidane put on their shoes.

"Because we can't afford to always watch you," Zidane stood up.

"But you guys are the trouble makers!" Luneth pointed out.

"Well, sometimes that can be of good help," Bartz stood up. Moments later, they heard Cloud's voice.

"Dammit he got away! Terra! Grab him!"

"Bartz! Zidane! A little help here!" Terra's voice called out.

"And that's our cue," Bartz took off towards the second floor.

"Later kid," Zidane followed suit.

Moments later, Squall's voice was heard, "Dammit you! I told you I'm all right! Now let go of my gun-saw!"

The sound of a chainsaw revving up and Squall's maniacal laughter soon followed.

Luneth scratched his head, "All this because of a little hair..."

Cecil appeared and headed towards the door, "I hope they can get Squall back to normal."

"Where are you going?" Luneth asked the paladin in casual clothes.

"Well," Cecil picked up a hat, "I'm the only one of working age and since our mysterious supply of money isn't here, I have to look for work."

"See you later!" Cecil then walked out of the door.

Luneth sighed. After a short while, Firion and Tidus appeared.

"Well little guy, looks like you'll be the man of the house for now," Tidus said cheerfully while picking up a bag.

"Try not to get the place messed up," Firion said as he put on a brown hat.

"And where are you two going?"

"I'm off to my next match," Tidus picked up a soccer ball.

"And I'll be going with him," Firion added.

"But you don't have to!" Luneth insisted.

"Actually I do," Firion motioned to Tidus, "I have to make sure the doesn't get himself into a heap of trouble."

"Hey! I'm not that troublesome!" Tidus complained as he left.

"That's what you think," Firion murmured as he followed.

Thus Luneth was left alone in the doorway until the arrival of Cloud, Bartz, Zidane and Squall. It would have been a normal sight, had the first three not been carrying the bound, gagged and blindfolded Squall over their shoulders.

Luneth raised an eyebrow at Cloud as he walked by, "Don't you think that's a little too much?"

"Nope," Cloud opened the door, "after the damage he caused, this is necessary."

They left out the door and boarded Squall into Cloud's van.

After a few moments, Terra walked down.

"We won't be gone for long, so be a good boy," Terra said as she put on her shoes.

"But-but!" Luneth made wild gestures, "Why do I have to be left behind!"

"Well, we'll be too busy watching Squall," Terra stood up, "Don't worry we won't be long. Besides, I hired a babysitter for you."

"Why can't Warrior babysit!" Luneth complained, "He always used to look after me when you guys were out!"

Terra raised an eyebrow, "I've always wondered, how come you're so happy when Warrior keeps an eye on you?"

"Because he let's me do whatever I want as long as I don't mess the house up!" Luneth explained, "Where _is_ he anyway?"

"Well," Terra replied, "I told him that we needed some household help. So he left with Red Mage this morning to go find some...I wonder how he's doing?"

-0-0-0-

In a mansion situated on top of a wooded hill with dark clouds spiraling over head, Warrior sat behind a long table opposite of the house's owner while Red Mage stood to his left.

Warrior had, strangely enough, a feeling of intimidation and anxiety. Heck he was close to sweating. Red Mage was visibly sweating at the aura of intimidation that their host was giving them.

Their host put down her tea, Earl Gray to be specific, and looked at them.

Warrior swallowed and a sweat drop formed on his forehead under her intense glare.

"So...," She began in a rather cold voice, "you want to hire my maid in exchange for your friend?"

"Yes...princess," Warrior replied tensely, "I am confident that Red Mage will be able to assist you in any matter you are confronted with...including the occasional combat scenario."

Their host was silent as she finished her tea, "More tea please."

The little maid to her right poured some more tea into her princess' cup. After taking a sip, she spoke again.

"It's true that he may be more versatile than my current helper, but is he as good?"

Warrior cleared his throat before replying, "I am sure that his ability to cook may not be to you preference; but I believe that if he spends the day training with your current helper Ms. Hiyorimi, he will be able to meet your preferences."

The princess smirked and stood up, "We'll see about that."

She headed for the door with her maid, before she left she said, "The kitchen is on the ground floor, come when you are ready."

Then she left. As soon as the door closed and the sound of her footsteps disappeared, the two men gave a sigh of relief.

"Well," Red Mage said first, "that woman was scary, don't you think?"

"It is safe to say," Warrior dabbed the sweat on his forehead with a handkerchief, "that I now know the meaning of the words 'true terror.'"

Red Mage patted his back while chuckling, "That makes two of us..."

-0-0-0-

"Be a good boy, don't break any of the furniture and don't let any strangers in." Terra told the young knight as she walked out the door, "Your baby sitter should be here any minute, open the door only for him."

"How do I know if he's the baby sitter?" Luneth asked, "Is he even any good?"

"He'll have a card from the agency I called," Terra picked up her moogle purse, "they said this one was a new employee they hired yesterday so try not to be too much trouble."

With that, Terra bid Luneth goodbye and left. Soon Luneth heard the sound of a car driving away.

Luneth was now left alone in the house, any kid would find this fun. But Luneth was unhappy because of the following things: one, he wasn't allowed to leave the house and Warrior had a way of knowing things; two, the sweets were in a cabinet that Warrior made sure he couldn't reach no matter what he did; three, Cloud had figured out a way to put a child lock on the TV that he couldn't break, and four, the doorbell just rang.

Luneth rolled his eyes and headed towards the door. Luneth tried to reach the peep hole but couldn't. He shuffled around and found a a stool, he stood up on it and peeked outside. He saw nothing, apparently whoever was outside was also looking through the peephole.

"Hello is anyone home?" a strangely familiar voice asked.

"Yes," Luneth replied, trying his best to impersonate Warrior, "Who are you? What do you want?"

"Onion Knight...interesting," the voice replied, "I'm your babysitter, the agency told me to give you my card so here."

Something was inserted into the mail flap and it fell onto the floor. Luneth bent over and picked it up, it was a card from the agency that Terra had hired. The card had no picture and the name was G.R. Land.

"Mr. G.R. Land, so you're my babysitter...," Luneth muttered as he opened the door, "well, I guess you can't be that..."

Luneth's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. At the door was a familiar armored knight with huge horns and a blue cape.

"bad..." Luneth squeaked.

Garland smiled broadly from under his helmet, "Hello kid, you're in for one hell of a day."

"Oh Terra, Warrior, anyone," Luneth squealed as his 'babysitter' walked in, "please hurry home."

* * *

At a certain hastily rebuilt asylum...

Terra suddenly looked up sharply, "I think Luneth's in trouble. Cloud let's hurry back."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Terra you worry about that kid too much. The house is locked up tighter than a safe and his babysitter should have arrived by now."

He then motioned to Squall who lay tied down to a medical bed, "Besides, we already have him to worry about..."

Squall was smiling like an insane man, well he was. That's why they were here. Yet, it still gave them the creeps.

While Cloud and Terra talked to one of the men at the reception desk, Bartz and Zidane observed the asylum's staff. In a normal hospital, one would see a mixture of men and women working together. Here, the staff was composed completely of men. All of them wearing the same attire; white, split down the middle, cassocks with long capes on their left shoulders. Is that wasn't peculiar enough, they were all wearing pointed metal masks that hid the top half of their heads and they were all permanently s**tfaced. They shuffled about the white corridors all looking like they had something to do.

"Wonder why this place is completely staffed with men?" Bartz watched another group disappear down a corridor.

"Maybe the manager doesn't like women," Zidane suggested, "if so, he must be one weird guy."

Then the man Terra and Cloud were talking called another man who then took Squall and headed down a corridor with Terra.

"Bartz! Zidane! Come on," Cloud called before following.

The two troublemakers quickly got up and followed. After a short while, the group found themselves walking down a corridor with large windows showing rooms on either side. The rooms appeared to contain inmates.

"You sure have a lot of inmates here," Bartz commented eventually.

The man with them smiled, "Well, this town _is _one crazy place."

"Do you think we're gonna have to leave Squall here for a while?" Zidane asked.

"Don't fret," the man's grin grew, "the Master has thought of an excellent idea on how to quickly repair your friend."

"The Master?" Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"The asylum's manager and chief doctor," the man held up a clipboard, "his...'medicine' should be here in half an hour."

With that he quickly strode forward. As they passed by a windowed cell, they glanced. What they saw made them jump back a little.

"What the hell!" Cloud pointed at the inhabitant.

"Well," Bartz scratched the back of his head, "that explains where he disappeared off to..."

"We all knew it would happen one day...," Zidane sported a nervous grin.

"I see you have taken an interest in our toughest nut," the man said smiling.

"Nut!," Terra looked at the cell in disbelief, "That's Kefka!"

Inside the cell was a familiar clown in what appeared to be an enchanted straightjacket. He stood there grinning at them and after a while, he began to run on the floor onto the walls across the ceiling back to the floor and over again.

The man nodded, "Yes indeed he is. Kefka Palazzo the only person to date who has managed to resist all of our techniques short of erasing his memories to allow his brain to reboot, or killing him. I believe we are about to administer the former. And if we fail...we administer the latter."

They stood there, wide eyed and stunned, as Kefka began to try and destroy the room...with his teeth. This promptly provoked the guards into rushing into the room armed with stun guns, tranquilizers, and tasers.

They watched in awe as the men attempted to tackle the clown to the ground while he retaliated, _by spitting out __**ULTIMA**__ spells like they were...well...spit!_.

"You'll never get me coppers!" Kefka then opened his mouth to its widest. Inside, an orb of what appeared to be Forsaken was forming.

"-Expletive Deleted-!" one of the men hissed, "Duck!"

Kefka's muffled voice was heard, "Chew on this assholes!"

Just before the explosion, the man accompanying them pushed a button next to the intercom that lowered a blast shield. Moments later, an explosion was heard and the center of the blast door blasted towards them for about half a foot.

Before any of them could speak, their guide spoke.

"Do not worry, when my Master is done with him, he will be a new man," He started pushing Squall's bed, "now let us hurry and bring him to his containment room."

As they walked away, they could still hear Kefka screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Look at that, it blew my pants off! Come here you little worms! I'm gonna piss Poison down your throats! Try attacking me from behind, and I'll fart Bio in your faces!"

Moments later, the sound of farting, followed by an explosion, were heard.

"Hey! I just farted a Flare! BOOYAA! WHO'S THE GOD OF MAGIC! WHO IS! I AM! I'M A FLARE FARTING GOD! KNEEL BEFORE MY ASS!"

Terra looked mentally disturbed while Cloud rubbed his temples.

"Wow," he muttered, "I thought Sephiroth was horrible but him...you must've had it bad."

Terra was speechless. Behind them, Bartz whispered to Zidane.

"Man he's really gone off the deep end."

Zidane nodded, "And the deep end after that."

"And the deep end after _that_ deep end."

"Wonder how Warrior and Luneth are doing?"

"They're perfectly fine!" Squall suddenly called out, "I bet Warrior's stuck in a mansion full of girls somewhere!"

The man with them shrugged, "Allow me to demonstrate how we put patients like him to sleep. Mr. Ultros! If you'd please."

"Uwee hee hee...okay then!"

"...Ultros?" Terra looked up and noticed a hole in the ceiling over Squall's head.

Ultros was there wearing the same get up as the rest of the staff minus the mask. He also appeared to be pushing something over.

"Lights out musclehead!"

A safe suddenly descended from the hole...

* * *

Back to the hilltop mansion...

Warrior suddenly looked up. He had that strange feeling that someone had managed to guess exactly what he was doing and that someone was about to be terribly hurt. Then he suddenly felt that one of his fellow warriors were in a dangerous situation.

"_It's probably nothing they can' handle,_" Warrior reasoned as he shrugged it off.

The sound of a teacup being placed on a saucer silenced all his remaining thoughts and stood alert.

The princess scratched her chin and thought for a moment that seemed like an eternity for Red Mage and Warrior.

"I guess...you'll do..."

Red Mage's shoulders visibly sagged in relief.

Warrior mentally sighed in relief, "So...we shall be able to temporarily hire Ms. Hiyorimi?"

She smirked, "Indeed you may. Let's iron it out on the balcony."

Red Mage looked at Warrior, who shared the same thought as him.

"_-Expletive Deleted- YEAH!_"

-0-0-0-

At the balcony, Warrior stood on one end of a table while the princess, her cute, little, almost robotic-looking maid, and a boy who looked out of place, sat on the other end.

"Won't you sit down?" the princess asked.

"I'd rather not," Warrior replied uneasily.

"Suit yourself," she motioned to the boy behind her who pulled out a piece of paper that she pushed over to Warrior.

"Sign here and we've concluded out agreement."

"Uh...Hime?" the boy asked, "Is it actually alright for you to let my sister work for someone else for a while?"

"Yes it's alright with me," she replied evenly, "that's why you're here. Is it alright with you?"

The boy scratched the back of his head, "Well...if it's okay with you then I guess..."

"So Ms. Hiyorimi is your sister? Worry not, I shall ensure that she is well taken care of," Warrior said reassuringly.

"You'd better," the princess said in a dangerous tone.

That tone gave the Warrior chills, him of all people.

"Are you okay sir?" the boy, Mr. Hiyorimi, asked.

"Perfectly," Warrior forced a smile.

As soon as he did, thunder clapped, the skies darkened, and it started raining.

The boy quickly opened an umbrella to shade him and the princess while Warrior, with that creepy smile and a trembling hand, picked up a pen to sign the deal.

"Stop smiling," the princess commanded.

Warrior obliged. And as soon as he did, the rain stopped and the sun shone again.

The boy put away the umbrella, "The weather's weird today huh?"

The princess simply took the contract, "Well, everything is in order. You may leave."

"Thank you for your time," Warrior turned and headed for the door...and promptly collided with the frame before managing to get out.

"What a strange man," the boy commented.

The princess simply replied, "Tell the our new assistant to make some tea."

"Right," the boy then left.

* * *

"I give up!"

Luneth dropped to the floor, already tired of his "workout."

"You call yourself a knight!" Garland said in a very good impersonation of Jecht, "that was only two tons! You're no knight! You're a crybaby!"

"...That's Jecht's line," Luneth got up, "and I'm not Tidus."

"I know you're not. But you're still a kid," Garland pointed out, "And yes, it is Jecht's line. I took a few lessons on how to handle children from him."

"That explains things," Luneth muttered as Garland walked towards him.

"Nice house," Garland looked around, "where are your rooms?"

"On the second floor, where else?"

"Aren't you sarcastic," Garland pulled him to the back of the house where a small gym was located, "time for your next workout!"

They then spent the next two-three, hours working out. Well, Luneth was working out, Garland was just supervising.

Garland sat on the bleachers as Luneth proceeded to work out with weights and other various objects that weighed at least 1000 grams.

"Come on kid!" Garland sneered, "You call yourself a knight! You're pathetic!"

"Hey!" Luneth complained as he struggled to lift a few heavy cinder blocks, "I may not be as muscular as you, but I'm strong for my size!"

"Strong! Don't make me laugh!" Garland pointed to his helmet, "Do you call those insignificant insect like stabs you did to my helmet strong! Then you are pathetic! Probably the most pathetic warrior in the group!"

Luneth narrowed his eyes, "You take that back!"

"Make me!" Garland picked up his sword, "Prove to me that you are worthy of that title you bear!"

Luneth summoned his sword, "You're on!"

15 minutes later...

Luneth found himself crushed between Garland's foot and the cold, hard floor. His sword lay just out of arms reach, so tantalizingly close...yet so far.

"Well kid!" Garland sneered, "looks like you've still got a lot to learn!"

Luneth just growled while Garland continued.

"But don't be worried my poor knight! Before this day is out I shall mold you into a true warrior of my image!"

Garland grabbed him and took him down a corridor, "My special mental conditioning ought to do just the thing!"

Garland then produced what a appeared to be a miniature copy of his armor. The thought of what Garland was going to do to him to achieve that goal that Luneth made a simple wish.

"Oh lord please let get them home quick..."

* * *

Meanwhile stuck in traffic.

Cloud couldn't help but smile as he drove his van back home. Thirty minutes after they got Squall into his containment room, his 'medicine' arrived.

The 'medicine' proved to be so effective, that the moment Squall saw it, he began to recover. And mere moments later, Squall was cured!

Now they were taking the medicine home with them so they can all have dinner...and no, this medicine is not anything that can be ingested. In fact, it wasn't even a something it was a..._someone_.

"Is something wrong Cloud?" Terra asked from the passenger's seat after noticing that Cloud had been snickering for quite a while.

"Nothing," Cloud was still snickering. He then glanced at the rear view mirror. At the very back of the van, Bartz and Zidane sat, on the row in front of them, sat Squall and his 'medicine.'

"I don't believe it," Cloud said after a while, "Squall Leonhart,"

"Shut it Strife...," Squall growled dangerously.

Yet Cloud continued, "Our great Squall Leonhart. The commander of SeeD. Through who's efforts Ultimecia, the Time Sorceress, was defeated..."

"I am warning you..." Squall hissed as Bartz and Zidane snickered.

The person beside Squall also started snickering.

"Has this as his greatest weakness and a shot cure all medicine," Cloud grinned like a complete dork, "we never thought it possible."

Bartz and Zidane burst out laughing while Squall frowned.

"It's not that funny," the annoyed lion growled.

"Yes-it-**is**!" Bartz cried between laughs, "I mean, _you_ of all people!"

"You're the last we expected to have a girlfriend!" Zidane cried out.

Rinoa cocked an eyebrow at Squall, "Are you really coming off as that anti-social?"

"You have no idea!" Cloud also started laughing.

"But Squall is right," Terra put in, "it isn't that funny."

"You're a nice girl," Rinoa then turned to Squall with narrowed eyes, "you're not cheating on me are you?"

Squall nearly jumped out of his seat, "What! Of-of course not! Besides, Terra's more of a motherly figure!"

Rinoa glared at him for a moment, then she broke into a smile, "I knew you wouldn't be."

"Then why'd you ask?" Squall returned to his usual passive voice.

"Just checking dear," Rinoa smiled and turned back to the window.

"Dear, ha ha!" Zidane repeated laughing.

"Our ever so dangerous lion being called 'dear'," Bartz laughed even louder.

Cloud was laughing so hard that his driving was starting to suffer.

As the van swerved left and right, Squall rubbed his temples at the continued laughter while Terra rolled her eyes.

"Well, I guess you did have this coming," Rinoa said cheerfully.

Squall just muttered silently.

Around 15 minutes later they arrived back at their residence.

Squall almost jumped out of the van and hurried to the door where Rinoa caught up with him.

"So this is where you live," Rinoa examined the large two floor building, "not bad."

Squall grunted in approval and opened the door. Suddenly, something small and armored charged at him. It collided with Squall and promptly got knocked to its back.

Rinoa looked over his shoulder, "Squall...what is that?"

Squall didn't answer, instead he called over his shoulder, "Hey guys! Who was Luneth's baby sitter again!"

"Mr. G.R. Land," Terra replied.

"G.R. Land?" Squall repeated, "figures."

"Okay kid," Squall pulled the miniature knight to his feet, "what did he do to you?"

The miniature horned knight threw him a dirty look...then swung his miniature huge broadsword between his legs...

"Ye-ouch!" by a reflex, Squall kicked him all the way down the corridor.

"Squall!" Rinoa pulled his ear.

"Ouch! Hey you saw what he did!" Squall pulled away.

"What happened?" Terra, Cloud, Bartz, and Zidane headed over.

"Squall just kicked a little armored kid across the room," Rinoa informed them.

"You kicked Luneth!" the angry half-esper thundered.

"He hit me in the balls!" Squall had a look of true pain on his face, "Besides, have you realized you the babysitter is!"

"It was Mr. Land right?" Cloud carefully restrained Terra, "What does he have to do with this?"

"'What does he have to do with this'! Geez Strife!" Squall palmed his forehead, "Mr. GR LAND! G-R-LAND!"

"G.R. Land," Cloud repeated, "G.R. Land... Land...Gar-Land...Garland...oh -Expletive Deleted-!"

Terra's eyes widened, "You mean the babysitter was...Garland!"

Squall nodded. Then Zidane said, "Well...that explains that!"

"By the way," Bartz glanced at the miniature Garland, "since when did Luneth learn the spell Mini?"

Before anyone could answer, the miniature Garland charged them.

"Here I come!"

The little man lifted his sword and charged Squall. Who simply lifted his hand and grabbed the top of the kid's head. The boy swung the sword around futilely since Squall was well out of arm's reach.

"Uh guys," Bartz eyed the little knight's helmet, "I think that _is _Luneth."

The air was filled with a chorus of "What!"'s.

Zidane furiously examined him, "But how!"

"That little plume behind his helm is the same as Luneth's," Bartz pointed, "and I can see the back of his helm from here..."

They took a look and where shocked to discover that he was right.

"Luneth!" Terra tried to run over but was stopped by Cloud, "What did he do to you!"

"He must've been brainwashed," Rinoa suggested, "how do we snap him out of it?"

"Let me," Squall moved his foot backwards, "another kick in the face aught to-"

Suddenly, three different people hit Squall. Rather predictably, they were Terra, Rinoa, and Cloud.

Now free of Squall's grasp, Luneth placed his foot over the fallen lion's head and said, "Know your place!"

Terra approached him, "Luneth?"

He swung his sword at her, "You're next woman!"

Terra sighed...

5 minutes later.

Luneth, now out of the miniature Garland armor, was wailing like the child he was while Terra comforted him.

"It was Garland!" he wailed between sobs.

"There, there," Terra gently stroked Luneth's head, "everything will be alright."

"What did Garland do to you!" Cloud knelt next to them.

"Probably brainwashed," Rinoa repeated.

"Poor guy," Zidane said.

"What did Garland have in mind anyway?" Bartz wondered out loud.

On the top step of the stairs leading to the second floor.

"_I was going to make a warrior out of him!_" Garland thought, "_And I succeeded! Now to get the praise I-_"

He suddenly heard Terra's terrifyingly angry voice, "When I get my hands on him I am going to-!"

"Hey," Cloud suddenly said, "leave some for me."

Garland paled, "Well...Time to make my silent exit!"

He turned and ran down the tight corridor, smashing many things and generally creating a racket. When he passed Squall's room, he entered for a moment then left.

Moments later he reached the rear of the house and and proceeded to squeeze himself out of the window.

"Great thinking Garland!" he got his upper body out of the window, "there's no way anything could go wrong!"

He suddenly found himself stuck and unable to move.

He analyzed the situation, "It's alright! They'll never find me here!"

He sniffed the air a little, "Why is the temperature starting to rise on my rear end?"

He lifted a small mirror to look behind him, there was a pinkish, humanoid silhouette holding an orange orb.

"Oh well," Garland stretched his arms forward, "It was worth it!"

-0-0-0-

Bartz and Zidane watched as a doublecast of two fully charged Meltdowns propelled Garland into the city.

Funny thing was, it appeared that Garland was enjoying himself. As evident from his shout, "Look at me mom! I'm FLYING!"

Bartz shook his head, "Two fully charged Meltdowns up your truly..."

"Sucks to him," Zidane then spotted something, "Hey Bartz, look! Superman's flying next to Garland!"

-0-0-0-

The headline in tomorrow's paper read:

"Superman Found Dead!"

The picture, of the said hero lying face down on the pavement, had the caption:

"Witnesses say a flying armored man stuffed Kryptonite down renowned hero's throat."

-0-0-0-

"Are you sure about this new babysitter?" Luneth asked warily.

"Of course," Terra reassured, "trust me he isn't going to be much trouble."

Squall's voice suddenly called, "Hey guys! Let's go! And Terra! The new...'babysitter' is here! for the baby of course!"

"Hey I'm not a baby!" Luneth complained, "You take that back you cold hearted kitten!"

"Well," Rinoa passed the door, "I think I'm proof that Squall isn't as cold hearted as you think...though I do agree that he is a kitten."

"...whatever," Squall's voice sounded from below.

Luneth slumped onto the floor, "I never win..."

"Well better luck next time Luneth," Terra hurriedly bid him goodbye and left.

Moments later, the new babysitter arrived.

Luneth jumped back, "M-Mr. William!"

"Yes...," he had an insane and creepy smile on his face, "It is **I**, the Lord and Master of the local asylum!"

He started approaching the terrified Luneth, "Prepare to learn the truths of this world through my guidance and **MINE ALONE!**"

Luneth back away to a corner and pulled out his sword, "I want Garland back...bad..."

* * *

a/n: Told you random cameos from random places will appear.

Someone has some explaining to do(see below).

...

...

Garland: Hello everyone it's me. The unfortunate baby sitter. Just in case you're wondering where I got the Kryptonite, since it's a glaring plot hole, I found and stole it from Cecil's strange rocks from space collection...and I also had a look at that Lustful Lali Ho of his...BOOYA!


	11. Kuja the actor

Disclaimer: Guess who owns Final Fantasy. (Hint: It's not me and starts with a S and ends in a x with "quare Eni" in between)

I also do not own any of the gadgets that will be brought up on this chapter. I also do not own that poem loving freak in a red coat.

a/n: Finally! Free time! (Being a college student is tougher than I though.)

For those who have been asking/wondering, I use aliases so I won't have to put it under crossovers.

Now I'm confident that people would have seen/heard this coming from _beyond_ the horizon and sorry for the overdose of William...if you look back to chapter one you'll notice I already mentioned why he's here.

* * *

Chapter 11: Kuja the..._actor_...

Another day at Jecht's bar. Everything was okay, the usual patrons were around...but there was one problem.

"Hey Jecht you alright?" Garland lifted his gaze from the want ads.

"Well, yeah. I mean I am fine and all but," Jecht leaned on the counter, "well...I kinda feel bored."

Right after Jecht said those words, it seemed like the whole bar froze.

"Uh...what!" Tony was the first to react.

"You heard me. I'm bored," Jecht turned around, "I mean everything's great and all, but unlike you Garland I've been pretty much the same thing ever since I got here. It gets boring after a while."

A long silence followed. Jecht chuckled and asked, "What? Was it that surprising?"

"Yes," Golbez put bluntly. "because out of all of us, you are the only one who's enjoyed employment from the beginning and has a had a mostly normal stay."

"Precisely my point," Jecht downed a shot of vodka, "there really hasn't been anything interesting lately."

"You know Jecht," William suddenly spoke up, "I wouldn't be tempting fate if I were you."

"So what!" Jecht patted his chest, "Fate can throw everything it's got at me! I, the great JECHT, can take it!"

There was a chorus of cheer and "Hurrah's" from the crowd, not that it was unexpected though. William just rubbed his temples in disbelief.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, some distance away a boy with aquamarine hair sneezed.

One of his companions, a curious looking girl with cat ears and a tail, approached him.

"Are you alright?"

The boy wiped his nose, "Yes. This is nothing to be worried about."

The cat-girl nodded and left while the boy stood where he was for a minute.

"_I get the feeling somebody was talking about me..."_

He shrugged off the thought and joined his companions on their way to town.

-0-0-0-0-0-

"So...got any ideas?" Jecht asked his comrades.

Garland, Golbez, Sephiroth, Tony, and William all frowned in thought. For a while now they had been thinking of a way to help Jecht get out of his boredom. The first three pitched in because they were Jecht's comrades. The last two? Well they where already regulars in the bar and considered themselves to be good friend with the Warriors of Chaos. Their common motivation? If Jecht got _too_ bored, then he might pack up and look for something more interesting to do. If that happened, the first three and their companions would lose their gathering place while the last two would lose a nice place to hang out.

"Well...," William was the first to suggest, "how about we convert the bar into a _strip_-bar? That's bound to be-"

The rest of his words were cut off by Garland's fist impacting straight into his face, dropping him.

Jecht leaned on the counter, "You know pal you should keep those thoughts to yourself."

"Oh come on!" William sat up, "It'll be interesting! And it'll help me...'educate' Luneth!"

The man on the floor was saying this with saying that with a dangerous smile and a twinkle in his eyes.

"E-du-cate...?" Golbez was uneasy, "What...do you mean by that?"

William lifted his hand and pulled out two objects. One was scalpel while the other was a small piece of flexible and stretchable rubber, "An introduction into the joys of the adult world! WHAT ELSE!"

Everybody in the bar was dumbstruck. Well everybody except...

A split second later, William found himself crushed between steel reinforced concrete floor and Garland's impressive steel boot.

"Normally I wouldn't care but," the towering knight lifted his gigantic sword, "THIS TIME YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR!"

He split his sword, "IMBECILE!"

What followed was Garland using on the poor guy every move he knew(including his EX-Burst _and_ several variations) and several moves _he just made up. _The rest of the patrons cheered him on.

After a few minutes of this, Garland sat back down on the counter while Jecht gave him a beer.

"Nice moves there," Jecht observed William's unmoving body, "Say. Where'd you learn those new moves just now?"

"What, those?" Garland took a sip of beer while the other, now worried, patrons examined William, "I sorta picked them up while I was here."

"That a fact...," Jecht mused, "So...any other ideas?"

"Well...this little incident had just inspired me," Garland said.

"Lay it on me," Jecht said with a smile.

"Lay-it-on-me?" Golbez sighed in disbelief, "you people must stop using these slang terms. It...confuses me. By the way Jecht, this bar does have Wi-Fi does it not?"

Jecht pulled a wireless router of _nowhere_, "It does now."

Tony suddenly asked, "Where the heck to you keep getting all this stuff?"

"I'm the Jecht!" Jecht began to assemble the router, "Besides, Exdeath helps."

"Right...," Tony nodded and turned to Golbez, "what do you need the router for anyway?"

"This," Golbez then produced...an _iPad._

They all(save for that bastard William) watched in awe as Golbez opened the web browser and went to...and started to look up the slangs they just used.

Sephiroth, apparently interested, asked, "Where did you get that?"

"I bought it sometime ago," Golbez replied.

-quick, seemingly pointless, flashback-

Golbez stood in a video store while the manager stood in front of him looking dazed.

Golbez waved his hand and said, "You will accept my Lunarian credits. "

"I will accept your Lunarian credits," the man repeated.

Golbez waved his hand again...and proved there was a reason he's a Warrior of Chaos, "You will sell this iPad to me at 95% discount and you will give five thousand dollars for being a good costumer."

"I will sell this iPad to you at 95% discount and I will give five thousand dollars for being a good costumer," the man gave Golbez the iPad, took Golbez's Lunarian credits(aka shinny rocks), opened the cashier and gave Golbez $5000.

"Thank you," Golbez then left.

-end of quick, seemingly pointless, flashback-

"Let me get this straight," Jecht clarified, "you gave that guy a few of your thousand dollar rocks, in exchange for that!"

"Yes," Golbez replied flatly as he continued to surf the web, "though now that I think about it, I may not have been on the benefiting end of that bargain...no matter. What's done is done."

"Easy for you to say," Tony sat grinning, "if those rocks were really worth as much as you say, they'd have been better off with me!"

"For your debt problems?" Golbez inquired, "then perhaps-"

"HELLO! What ever happened to hearing my suggestion!"

They turned to face a very unhappy Garland.

"Sorry about that," Tony was sincerely apologetic, "we kinda got carried away..."

"Okay," Garland seemed pleased, "anyway, I say we turn the place into a fight club. That's bound to keep things interesting."

"Fight club huh?" Jecht rubbed his chin, "I'll think about it. How about you Tony? Any ideas?"

"Nope," Tony replied almost immediately. Jecht then turned to Golbez, "Any ideas?"

"Well how about an educational trip?" Golbez looked up from his iPad.

"Thanks, but no thanks," Jecht quickly replied, "education isn't really my thing."

"Then perhaps you would like a trip to the moon? Surely even you must find that interesting."

"That sounds grea-" Jecht was cut off when an image suddenly came to mind. It was of Golbez standing on the moon's surface inhaling deeply as if the air was perfectly fine...while the rest of them suffocated to death in the background.

"You know...on second thought," Jecht slowly said, "I think I'd like to stay inside the breathable atmosphere."

Golbez chuckled audibly, "Don't worry Jecht. I'm sure I will be able to procure equipment for all of us."

"Well great!" Jecht clapped his hands together, then he turned to Sephiroth, "Any ideas?"

Sephiroth didn't even look slightly interested, instead he muttered, "I want an iPad..."

"Wha?" Jecht's mouth was slightly ajar at the sudden comment, "why?"

"Well...," Sephiroth's voice was a little...off, "I want one. Something wrong with that?"

"Well...no," Jecht quickly replied, "but it is pretty strange to hear that from you of all people."

Sephiroth chuckled, "I admit it probably is."

There was the sound of movement and moments later, the bar's population had decreased by fifteen people.

"Sephiroth where are your...boys going?" Golbez watched the door close.

"Don't know," Sephiroth replied in an almost uninterested voice.

A few moments of silenced passed until they heard footsteps coming from the stairs leading out of the bar. Soon Kuja appeared. He walked down with a disgruntled look, "Does anybody know who were those uncultured idiots that I just ran into?"

No reply. It was like nobody even noticed the genome's arrival.

Clearly annoyed, he cleared his throat and raised his voice, "Hello! I am talking to you people!"

Finally, Golbez turned to face him, "Ah Kuja. I do apologize for not noticing you."

"Well isn't this a surprise," Sephiroth said without looking, "what brings you here?"

"Am I not allowed to come?" Kuja asked as we continued into the bar.

"Of course you're allowed. This is a bar after all," Jecht replied, "its just that this is the first time you've come here on your own."

"I was preoccupied with something," Kuja walked towards the counter and stepped on William's leg.

Kuja gestured and asked, "Who is he and what happened to him?"

"He's William," Garland replied, "we ran into him during the whole father-son match thing. You know, the hotdog man."

"I see. Now I remember," Kuja sat down, "so what happened?"

"Well," Jecht handed Kuja a drink, "since you don't know him here's a quick description: he's an ass and occasionally a pervert."

Kuja just shook his head. Finally, Tony asked the obvious question.

"Everything else aside, what brings you to this charming place?"

Kuja raised an eyebrow at him, "Who exactly is this one?"

"The name's Tony Redgrave. The Great Sir Jecht's most loyal patron," Tony then took a long drink.

"The Great Sir Jecht...?" Kuja repeated.

"Yup!" William suddenly stood up with a big smile on his face, "that's what everybody in the bar calls him! He's that awesome!"

"HUZZAH!" came a cheer from the bar patrons.

William then sat between Garland and Kuja while everybody at the counter, including the normally stoic Sephiroth and even the normally unfazable Golbez, watched in wide mouthed shock.

"What?" William asked after noticing their stares.

Garland put it bluntly, "YOU! ARE! DEAD!"

William glanced at the spot he was just lying on, "So I was. I got better."

"Like hell you did!" Jecht suddenly shouted, "How in the frikin hell do you just 'get better' after a horrifying beat down like that!"

William shrugged, "Simple: I just did."

A long silence followed until _Sephiroth _finally grunted in exasperation, "Oh what the hell! If we continue this it's gonna go nowhere!"

Garland was taken aback, "S-Sephiroth?"

"Everyone just...just let this slide!" then Sephiroth turned to the bemused Jecht, "Jecht something strong if you'd please!"

Jecht grinned and whipped up a shot of vodka, then slid it over to Sephiroth who took a long drink.

Another moment of silence, then Garland asked, "So Kuja, as you where saying?"

"Huh, Oh of course!" Kuja pulled out a few tickets, "since I heard that you guys would be bored and would be looking for something to entertain yourselves for a while, I thought to invite to a play I will be participating in."

"...So...let me get this straight," Jecht stopped cleaning the glass he was holding, "you waltz in here and invite us to this play of yours...because you just _happened _to hear that we would be bored and would be looking for something to do?"

"That pretty much sums it up, yes," Kuja put down the tickets on the counter, "And it appears that guy I met was correct with his prediction."

"'That guy'?" Jecht wondered out loud as William quietly snickered to himself.

"Yes, some masked man I met," Kuja replied flatly, "Now. Will you or will you not go?"

To everybody's surprise, Jecht grabbed the tickets, "Sure. Don't see why we shouldn't."

"Wonderful," Kuja was pleased, "the dates and times are at the back of the tickets."

He was about to leave when William asked, "Hey do you have extra tickets?"

Kuja turned around, "Yes of course. Why?"

William stood up and put on his hat, "Would you mind if I invited the Cosmos Warriors over?"

Kuja paused, then shrugged and produced more tickets, "I see no harm in it. Why not?"

William took the tickets and headed for the door, "Well, gotta go. Luneth's a waiting. See you," he looked at the back of the ticket, "5 P.M. Tomorrow."

After William left, Kuja asked, "He works for the Cosmos Warriors?"

"Something along those lines," Jecht replied as he examined the ticket, "I'll make sure the others get their tickets."

"I'll make sure they come," Garland examined his. Then he cast a look at the strangely silent Golbez, "Hey, you listening?"

Golbez doesn't respond. So Garland reached over and snapped his huge fingers in front of Golbez's helmet, "Hello! You in there!"

Golbez finally looked up...and produced what appeared to be an _iPod Touch _and hit the pause button.

"Yes?" he asked rather innocently.

Kuja blinked, "Since when did you start getting technology like that!"

"Recently," Golbez replied.

Garland just sighed and thrust a ticket at Golbez's face. The latter then said, "Ah. I see...very well I will be there."

Golbez the hit the play button again and continued his internet surfing. While the rest of them watched in stunned silence.

Kuja sighed on his way out, "Perhaps I have been away for _too _long..."

* * *

The following evening...

The Warriors of Chaos, minus Kuja and plus William, stood in front of a large theater entrance. Each of them held a ticket in their hands.

"So all the Cosmos Warriors are coming too?" Jecht, dressed in a rather stylish bronze suit, asked.

"Well, Warrior wasn't home yet so I ended up with an extra ticket," William explained, "and before any of you ask, I don't know where he is. Since it would be a shame to let the ticket go to waste, I gave it to Squall's girlfriend instead."

"Leonhart...has a girlfriend?" Garland, wearing a black suit _over_ his armor, asked.

"Yes," Ultimecia clarified "as unlikely as it sounds, he does."

Garland nodded then noticed William staring at the theater, "Something wrong?"

"You know what guys, I'm having second thoughts" he replied, "Why don't we all just go to a movie?"

"What brought that up?" Golbez asked.

"Nothing. Just thought it would be boring," William scratched his chin, "Hey I heard there was this movie titled 'Stuff Blows Up'. Wanna see what it's about?"

An awkward moment of silence followed until Garland sighed, "You know that's a pretty stupid idea."

Then Mateus, wearing an impeccable blue suit with a tie, added, "Even I know what that movie is about!"

The other Warrior stared at Mateus in shock while William smiled in victory.

"What's wrong?" Mateus asked uncertainly.

"Do you...," Golbez began, "even understand the connotations of what you just said?"

"I think I perfectly do!" Mateus retorted.

Ultimecia hid a giggle, "Then you have basically stated that-"

"You're the dumbest of the lot," William headed towards the theater, "just as I suspected. The confirmation is all good too."

William then walked towards the theater laughing. At the entrance, he stopped, turned around and said, "Oi! What are you waiting for? Come on already; we don't have all night!"

William walked in still visibly laughing. Finally Sephiroth snickered, "Looks like he got you good there Mateus."

Then he and his partner in crime Golbez followed. Soon after Garland said to Mateus, "You should really think before you talk...let's go!"

They left the stunned Mateus and entered the building.

"...WHAT!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Inside, the Warriors of Cosmos, minus Warrior, sat in one of the rows.

"It was rather nice of William to give these tickets," Terra sat between Cloud and Luneth.

"I get the feeling he has an ulterior motive," Cloud muttered.

"For once we're in agreement Strife," Squall sat between Luneth and Rinoa.

The other Warriors sat on either side of them. Tidus, Zidane and Firion beside Rinoa while Cecil and Bartz sat beside Cloud.

"Why are you guys so suspicious about him?" Rinoa asked, "It's not like he's planning something against you."

"In our experience anyone who smiles like that has got to have some sort of hidden agenda," Cloud responded, remembering one of the times he saw William smile. It was cross between a slasher smile, a psychotic grin...and Kefka's smile.

"Add that to the fact the he hangs out with the Warriors of Chaos and has a permanent creepy grin on his face," Squall continued, "I guess we do have a reason to be suspicious of him."

"Come on he seems like a fun enough guy," Zidane pointed out.

"You call a guy who insults the Warriors of Chaos at every opportunity, gets beaten up for it , _survives_, and screws around with the police _and _the mafia _simultaneously _a fun guy?" Squall asked.

"YUP!" Zidane, Tidus and Bartz responded.

"Wait a second," Firion interrupted, "Barring the fact that he screwed around with the _mafia _and is still alive, he gets beaten up by the Warriors of Chaos and is _still _alive?"

"Why do you think we're suspicious of him?" Cloud replied.

"I know!" Luneth suddenly pipped, "maybe he's like that friend of yours Cloud! Twang, Twung, T-sung was it?"

"You mean Tseng?" Cloud corrected, "Well unlike Tseng, I don't think William's smart enough to keep a Full-Cure Materia on him at all times."

"Why do you think that?" Luneth asked.

"Well if his general attitude and mannerisms are anything to go by," Cecil said, "he probably wouldn't be able to find his shoes even if they had GPS tracking devices on them."

"That's...pretty harsh," Rinoa said.

"I know, isn't it great!" a delighted voice from behind said, "By the way, FYI, I can find my shoes without trackers."

They turned and saw William was seated behind them with that perpetual creepy grin on his face.

"Hello there," Rinoa replied tensely, "uh...how long have you been there?"

"Long enough to hear Cecil call me a bumbling idiot," he turned to the knight in question and said in a British accent, "Now that's not very nice."

"That aside," Cecil responded, "what kept you?"

"I was making fun of Mateus," William leaned back on his seat, "and yes, the other Chaos Warriors are here."

Squall narrowed his eyes, "Why exactly do you associate with them?"

"You suspicious of me or something?" William countered, "Simply put, I got to hanging around with them and found them, specifically Sir Jecht, to be very nice guys."

"..." was the general response.

"Well in that case," Cloud gestured a few rows away, "shouldn't you be over there?"

"No thanks," William made himself comfortable, "I think I like it here."

Cloud shook his head while Terra whispered, "I think maybe we should keep an eye on him."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "No maybe about it..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At the Warrior of Chaos' seats...

"What's the title of this production anyway?" Mateus asked no one in particular.

"Romeo and Juliet apparently," Jecht examined the brochure, "some sort of mushy love story I think."

Exdeath was reading a book, "It's more a tragedy than a mushy love story actually."

"How does it end?" Ultimecia asked.

"Everybody dies."

"Thankfully so," the Cloud of Darkness, who was reading over Exdeath's shoulder, said.

"Not a fan of happy endings are you?" Garland looked at the stage, "the play should be starting right about now."

As if on cue, the theater lights dimmed, the curtains parted and the stage lights came to life.

"Right on cue," Jecht sat up straighter, "I was about to fall asleep."

The music started and started forming and generally, it's on.

"Wonder what role our intrepid actor would be playing," Garland then looked around a little, "On a more important note: Where are Sephiroth and Golbez?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Are you sure we're in the right theater?"

"Well as I remember, it was you who led us here Sephiroth."

"I was sort of hoping that you're general know-it-all-ness would prevent us from entering the wrong theater."

"Were you? I was just following you mind you. And also...general know-it-all-ness?"

"I sort of expected you to have already done enough research of this building and the play to fill up a corporation's database."

"That would be exaggerating. The information I collected would only fill up _half _a corporation's database."

Sephiroth sighed, "Anyway, none of our fellow Warriors are here, I suggest that we-"

"Sephiroth, my my," a familiar, at least to Sephiroth, voice said, "I didn't expect to see you of all people here."

Sephiroth turned around hoping it was just a hallucination...no such luck my friend. There on the aisle stood Sephiroth's self proclaimed rival, SOLDIER first class...

"Genesis," Sephiroth addressed his old...'colleague', "what are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? You make me laugh Sephiroth," Genesis sat in the row in front of them, "I believe you know me well enough. Why else would I come to a theater other than to-"

The lights dimmed, and music played. Genesis smiled, "Wonderful. Right on cue."

The actor on stage said his first line, "When the war of the beast brings about the world's end. The goddess descends from the sky. Wings of light and dark spread afar. She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting..."

"NO WAY!" Sephiroth said in a very Jecht like voice.

"That was a very good Jecht impersonation Sephiroth but," Golbez lifted his index finger to his...lip, "we are in a theater. Please refrain from making too much noise."

"That's beside the point!" Sephiroth hissed, "let's get out here before my brain starts-"

"But have you forgotten the the theater rules my friend," Genesis didn't look at them, "when an act begins, you cannot leave until it has ended. So I suggest that you sit down and enjoy it."

"-" Sephiroth clenched his fists and hissed.

"Sephiroth," Golbez warned, "we are-"

Sephiroth raised his left hand, produced a green Materia, and cast Silence on himself. Afterwards he gazed to the heavens and dropped an Atomic F Bomb in fury.

* * *

One act latah!

"I'm impressed Sephiroth," Golbez said as he and Genesis carried Sephiroth to the lobby, "that is quite some lung capacity."

"Shut up," Sephiroth's voice was a nearly inaudible due to the sheer amount of silence spells he had cast onto himself.

"Try not to talk for a while," Genesis gave some leaves to his friend, "here, some echo herbs."

Sephiroth sat down on one of the benches and glumly chewed the herbs while Genesis and Golbez stood on one side.

"So you are Sephiroth's new colleagues," Genesis leaned next the door where Romeo and Juliet where playing, "How is he?"

"As stalkerish as ever."

Genesis gave a hearty laugh, "Still hasn't gotten over the whole, some-guy-managed-to-beat-me-and-now-beating-that-guy-is-the-only-reason-I-will-keep-coming-back-from-the-dead thing? Come on! Look at me, I got beaten, but I didn't pursue the guy all the way to the ends of the earth."

"One, Zack was, and is still, dead," Sephiroth wheezed, "and two, Zack was a SOLDIER First Class! Strife was a piece of crap infantryman!"

"And apparently that piece of crap infantryman had enough willpower and muscle to take the oh so mighty Sephiroth."

They looked to the door and saw Cloud there with a victorious smile on his face.

"S-shut up Strife," Sephiroth made a rude gesture, "you severed my spine when I wasn't looking you, cheap shooter!"

"Call it whatever you want. Fact is, I got you," Cloud looked to the left, saw Genesis, and his smile immediately left his face.

"What the hell are you doing here!" Cloud jabbed a finger at the poem loving SOLDIER.

"The same thing I should be asking you," Genesis replied smugly, "If I remember correctly, you preferred mako induced comas to sleeping in theaters."

"Why you-"

Sephiroth's voice cut him off, "And if I remember correctly, It _was _because of that careless little coma that his best friend had to get himself killed."

"And if I remember correctly," Golbez added, "said best friend took on an entire battalion."

"And took out nearly all of them plus a few helicopters," Sephiroth corrected, "And if I remember correctly, I already _did_ pay you back for backstabbing me. Remember the Forgotten Capital? Now that I think about it, maybe I did do her a favor by sending her over to her boyfriend."

"Why you sonofa-!" Cloud stepped forward, reached behind him as a glowing light appeared.

Before Cloud could get out of the room, two hands placed themselves on either of his shoulders.

"Cloud, not now please," even though Terra was smiling, the hand that was on his left shoulder had violet skin and magic lightning on the fingertips, "besides, I don't think this is what a fatherly figure should be doing."

"Fatherly figure?" Sephiroth echoed, "You've been cheating on Tifa haven't you? Okay, so who have you been boning?"

"That was completely-!" Cloud started forward again, but the gauntlet that was on his left shoulder let go and grabbed his hair.

"Three things Strife," Garland's gruff voice spoke, "One, he's obviously provoking you. Two, you are a sissy for letting yourself get provoked. And three...lay off on the hair gel. Seriously, I can _feel _your hair through my _gauntlet_."

"My hair is not that stiff," Cloud shrugged off their arms, "and I am not a sissy."

"Actually," Garland corrected, " yes, you are."

"No I am no-"

"Actually, Cloud over here is more of a cross dresser. Ain't that right?"

They turned and saw William stepping out of the performance hall.

He shrugged and said, "Break between the acts."

"That's not what I'm interested in," Cloud hissed, fearing for his dignity, "just how much do you know."

"E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g," William pulled out a small orb, "care to see it again?"

Cloud cringed while Sephiroth smiled, "I haven't heard about this, enlighten us."

"Sure," and to Cloud's horror, the little orb turned out to be a life sized image projector...and it projected an image of him wearing clothes that he swore to never even get close to ever again.

Terra covered her mouth in shock, "Cloud...is that...?"

"My," Sephiroth had a large smirk, "I didn't know you leaned _that_ way Cloud."

"...very interesting Cloud," Golbez started rummaging his cape, "hold on I have a USB in here somewhere..."

"Beat you to it," Garland handed a USB to William, who then copied the picture into it.

"Could this get anymore humiliating?" Genesis wondered.

The moment the words left Genesis' mouth, the doors flew open and the other Warriors of Cosmos and Chaos stepped out. And where greeted by the sight.

Tidus wolf whistled, "Who's that?"

"Hey Cloud," Zidane stood next to the dumbstruck SOLDIER, "she a relative of yours? Why don't you introduce us to her!"

Jecht appeared between Mateus and Exdeath, "Whoa! Who is that wonderful looking-"

"Before you say anything else," William turned a small knob and the image shifted to Cloud standing in the same pose, "yes. That was him."

Zidane's eye grew wide with shock while Tidus covered his.

Jecht turned green and covered his mouth, "Oh holy-!"

He turned to Exdeath but Firion shouted, "Not on Exdeath!"

Jecht took a quick look, said "Right" through a closed mouth, and turned the other direction...to barf on Mateus.

"JECHT!" Mateus jumped back as his pristine suit was covered in puke.

"Wo...wow Cloud," were the only words Cecil could say.

"You...make a pretty convincing woman Cloud," Rinoa commented.

"Hah!" Squall was quick to poke at him, "I always did know you weren't a guy at heart!"

"Not now Leonhart!" Cloud hissed, then he jabbed a finger a William, "You! how did you get your hands on that!"

William put away the projector, "Let's just say I have my ways...Mateus I suggest you change your clothes. The rest of you guys...go find snacks or something or the other, I got something to attend to so see you later!"

Before any of them could retort, William disappeared into a crowd of people.

After standing there for a few moments, Firion finally managed to say, "Well...I guess your suspicions of him are actually well founded Cloud."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "And you just figured that?"

* * *

-Act 2: Scene II-

Romeo walked around in some orchard and then spurred some lines that would only make sense if you were living in the time before Shakespeare invented half the English language. Jecht picked popcorn out of his teeth and stared smacking his lips in a predictable manner...about once every two seconds, give or take.

Noticing this, Garland said, "I know you're bored but don't make too much noise."

Jecht jerked a finger to his side. "At least I'm not snoring like a demon. Like a certain demon I know."

They looked behind them. Mateus' head was tilted back and the snores he was giving off sounded like the roars of some demon from the underworld.

"You think the guy would be used to plays by now," Jecht turned around in time to see Juliet appear, "though I have to say that is one cute actress."

"Bah," Garland replied, then noticed that Mateus' snoring had stopped. He looked back and noticed Sephiroth had crossed his arms, his left in particular had a few glowing orbs in...

"Did you just cast silence of his 14 times?"

"Fifteen actually."

"He won't be able to talk for a week you know."

"Precisely my point," Sephiroth finished with a satisfied grin.

They turned back to the stage and heard Juliet say some more almost incomprehensible lines.

"Just who is the stupid moron who decided that the script should be written exactly the way that moron of a playwright wrote it?" Jecht suddenly asked.

"From what I checked," Golbez lifted a clipboard, "it was the actress playing Juliet who suggested it."

"And now it doesn't sound so bad."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, "Aren't you married Jecht?"

"Well yeah. But does that mean I can't check out a pretty lady?"

Sephiroth just rolled his eyes...but he had to admit, she was pretty cute.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"You know that Juliet looks very attractive," Cecil commented.

"Not the thing a married man should be saying," William commented from behind them.

"But _still_," Tidus muttered.

"That lady is looking pretty good," Zidane was close to drooling.

"Not the thing those in a relationship should be saying," William leaned forward, "look at these two over here. As devoted as emotionless rocks could ever be."

"You compliment us and insult us in the same breath," Cloud replied, "and I'm not that interested in women to begin with."

"Pointed experiences?" William then turned to Squall, "How about you Squally-wally-wally-poo? What's your secret to being to being loyal to your loved one?"

Squall gave him a pointed look, "Do you even need to ask?" ignoring the name jibe.

Rinoa turned, "Let me ask you something Mr. William. Would you ever think of cheating on a powerful sorceress?"

"Why yes!"

"Even if she had an insane magic berserk ability?"

"Why yes! Why not!"

"Even if she will almost certainly blast you well beyond oblivion if you do?"

"Why yes! Makes it more interesting!"

Bartz was dumbstruck, "Do...do you have a death wish?"

"Why yes! I do!"

"Alright something's up," Cloud commented.

"Why yes! Something _is _up!"

Terra was shocked, "So...truthful..."

"Why yes! This is the most truthful I get!"

Cloud reached over and pulled out a book and read the title aloud, "'An idiot's guide to sleeping with your eyes wide open(and blinking!) in the middle of a play that uses some old dumbass language'...cute...and this must be where the replies are coming from."

Cloud pulled out a tape recorder from the book, "Looks like he prerecorded the answers to all our questions..."

"So he knew what we would ask ahead of time?" Bartz repeated, "That's kind of-"

The tape recorder clicked to life, "Scary? Why of course it is _Bartz_! I am a scary, not to mention weird and suspicious, guy after all!"

Cloud turned off the recorder, "Damn this guy..."

* * *

Due to reasons of practicality, the rest of the play will not be discussed in detail since you know...it's a little long. Instead we will just skip to the final act's most important scene! The part where they DIE!

"Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!"

Juliet snatched Romeo's knife.

"This is thy sheet;"

She stabs herself.

"There rust, and let me die."

Now she fell over her lover's corpse as other people entered the scene and started talking.(let's not go into that...please.)

As the curtains closed, both side couldn't help but applaud.

"They die...lovely," Cloud of darkness commented.

"A fitting end to fools," Exdeath added.

"Well that was an interesting play," Golbez adjusted his seat, "albeit a rather predictable one."

"To you everything is predictable," Sephiroth then turned to look at Mateus who was trying hard to speak, "Sorry, what was that? Maybe next time you should try sleeping quietly."

Mateus shot him a look that shouted die before pulling out some Echo Herbs and chewing them.

Sephiroth smiled in content as the actors and actress were introduced, "You all seem interested at who this Juliet really is. Even you Mateus."

Mateus murmured some incomprehensible sounds which Sephiroth ignored. He turned back to the stage and had to admit he was curious at who this Juliet was.

Warriors of Cosmos

"You guys seem really interested in the identity of our mysterious actress," William observed.

"Of course we are!" Bartz replied, "you don't find a girl like that too often."

William laughed heartily which caused Cloud to raise an eyebrow, "You know something we don't!"

"I, being who I am, always, always knows something you don't," William replied and smiled. The announcer was about to reveal the actress name.

"For those who have taken a liking to her," William warned, "I hope you brought brain bleach."

They raised puzzled looks as the announcer continued, "And now for the person that is the most recent addition to our acting circle! Lady Juliet herself! Miss!"

Everybody leaned up slightly as William grinned in content.

"KUJA!"

All of the Warriors displayed looks of, understandable, shock.

"Oh Holy Lord! My eyes!" Jecht thundered.

Sephiroth covered his mouth, "Well that was..."

"Cliche'?" Golbez finished.

"Too much..."

Kuja grabbed the mike and spoke. In a very girly voice, "Thank you all for coming!"

Ultimecia grinned, "You know he makes a very convincing woman."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Zidane's jaw hit the floor, "Damn! I got duped by that bastard again!"

"Again?" Squall echoed as he ignored Bartz and Tidus' whimpers.

"Nearly took him for a girl at first," Zidane recounted, "Anyway I think I'm gonna barf..."

"Why are you all surprised," Luneth wondered, "he seemed to play the part quite well."

"Er...that's exactly what's wrong with it...," Terra replied.

Meanwhile William noticed Cloud's smile, "Have you lost it again amnesia boy?"

"No...," Cloud replied with a smirk, "do you know how to use that Photoshop thing?"

* * *

The next day.

Tony stood outside the bar and read the sign.

"Today's Special: BEER, with BRAIN BLEACH! Complete with Echo Herbs for the silenced ones(A.K.A Our dear _EMPEROR_.)!"

Tony thought for a moment, "Wonder what happened?"

He walked in and saw everybody seemingly stoned...well everybody but good ol' reliable Golbez, "What happened?

Sephiroth looked up, "I do not want to discuss it..."

Tony shrugged, "Hey Jecht some beer if you please."

"Want the special?"

"Uh...no thanks," he took a seat and watched Jecht shuffle around, "...last night must've been pretty..."

"Disturbing," Jecht muttered, "honestly does he look like a girl _that_ much to be cast into a production!"

"Okay...," Tony sipped his beer and looked at the door hoping for someone to come in. And speak of the devil, Garland walked in.

"Finally some who doesn't looked stoned," Tony stood up.

"I have no interest in those things so of course I wouldn't be affected," Garland was dressed in a...mailman's uniform for some odd reason.

"What's with that uniform and bag?" Tony asked as the man walked over, "New gig?"

"Yup. And that reminds me," Garland took something out from the bag, "this was in the spam mail. Mind if you explain it to me...Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth looked grudgingly up and took it from Garland. Instantly his body tensed and his hair suddenly became spikes that poked into Golbez's armor.

"Something wrong?" Golbez, despite almost certainly being impaled, asked calmly.

Sephiroth didn't reply but whimpered in anger, he turned to Garland and asked in a very dangerous voice, "You. Didn't. Show. Anybody. Right?"

Most of the bar cowered at his dangerous voice but Garland was unfazed, "Sephiroth it's in the spam mail. I'm sure every mailman in the city has tons of copies"

Sephiroth bit his lip and trembled in anger, "So that's how he wants it..."

"What's wrong any-" Ultimecia was about to take the object when she was met with with an unusually cold and threatening glare from him. Now this is Sephiroth we're talking about, so that has to count for something.

Garland produced another one and handed it to Ultimecia, "Here."

Sephiroth was startled and tried to grab it...too late.

Ultimecia's jaw hit the floor, "Oh...oh my! Kuja I can understand but-"

"But what?" Jecht leaned closer.

"It's a Photoshopped photo of Sephiroth in a pink dress with lacy frill and that kind of stuff," Garland replied almost uncaringly, "Oh! And he has cat ears too."

The bar fell silent for a moment, the there was laughter and the Remnants were clambering for a look saying, "Brother can I see it?" "Brother is this true?"

"Well I'd be damned," Jecht took one and examined, "Fail to mention the highly visible...cleavage! Are those man-boobs I see!"

Jecht immediately grabbed a container marked "BRAIN BLEACH" and gulped the contents down in one swing.

As the bar laughed and Sephiroth fumed, Garland was all business, "So...any particular reason there a Photoshopped image of you loose?"

"Of course...it has to be him...," Sephiroth lifted a software box marked 'Photoshop', "I'll have my revenge..."

Garland lifted the photo and examined a corner, "Hey your suspicions are right! His signature is over here!"

"STRIIFEE!"

William sat at a quiet corner, "Interesting...wonder how this'll turn out."

He turned to his lawyer companion, "What do you think?"

The lawyer shrugged, "Knowing him this'll get blown out of proportion pretty fast."

"Good. All is working out perfectly"

* * *

a/n Ya I know it's cliche'. But I find that humorous plus it sets the ground for the next chapter...and a few more. I really couldn't think of more ways to make this humorous other than that so I inserted William a little more...if you didn't find it particularly funny, I'll make it u to you with the next few chapters.

And as much as I want to update quickly, my final projects/exams are coming up so yeah...anyway bye for now!


	12. Garland de Mailman

Disclaimer: If you don't know who owns Final Fantasy..._DAMN._

a/n Final Projects and Exams are up...after that its the semester break and we all know what that means.

By the way...more cameos!

* * *

Chapter 12: Garland de Mailman.

While Sephiroth fumed and swore revenge, Cloud relished his revenge.

He checked the mail and sure enough the items he sent where there. Sephiroth's humiliation will be beyond measure.

He took out the mail and headed back inside with a smile on his face. The warriors, minus Warrior and plus Rinoa, were assembled.

Cecil looked up at him expectantly, "Was there a package for me?"

Cloud lifted the thick stack of envelopes, "No package here. But Sephiroth does have something he wants to show us. Hang on let me..."

"Cloud," Squall cut in, "if its that PhotoShopped picture you made yesterday I will kill you."

"But..."

"Actually I agree with Squall here," Firion interjected, "you've already show us, much to our horror, the power of this machine called the computer. Please, stop showing it to us. Our brains already hurt."

"But..."

Firion pulled out his sword a little, "If you show us that picture again I will kill your corpse after Squall turns you into one."

"Fine fine," Cloud tossed the mail on the coffee table and sat down opposite of Terra.

"But really," Terra glared at her direction while she spoon fed Luneth, "discussing violence so early in the morning..."

"Well of course its a terrible crime, couldn't you have picked a better time?"

Their eyes widened, as the door opened and a tiny figure entered. That figure then slammed the door shut with force you wouldn't expect from her size.

"Oh holy lord she's here!" Squall jumped back, "Rinoa dear could you fetch me some earmuffs?"

"Dear?" Zidane couldn't resist.

"Sh*t!" Firion face-palmed, "I was hoping Warrior was joking when he said you'd come."

"Firion...!" Cloud backed away slightly.

"And so the pain begins," Luneth cowered on Terra's lap.

"That's not very nice," Terra told him, "though I may have to agree with you on that..."

"Why couldn't Boko come?" Bartz wondered out loud.

"What the hell Bartz!" Cecil suddenly barked, "there's a terrifying creature in front of us and all you're concerned about is your chocobo!"

"Yup"

"No way!" Tidus shouted in a very good Jecht impersonation.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At the bar.

Jecht sneezed loudly.

"You catching a cold there pal?" Tony asked.

"Nah," Jecht replied, "but I get the feeling...that somebody just pathetically impersonated one of my awesome catchphrases."

Silence for a moment. Then the bar exploded with fury as patrons tore stuff apart in anger that someone just did that.

"Do they do this a lot?" Kuja had a look of disbelief on his features.

"Every now and again I think," William responded.

They shrugged and ignored each other and the entire bar.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"I'll ignore the jibes and spare you your lives," Shantotto stepped forward, "Still it's nice to see you all here, now how come you are all sneers? O-hohoho-urgh!"

Her laugh was cut short when the door flew open and slammed her into the wall.

Warrior, in a blue business suit nonetheless, stood in the doorway with his leg outstretched.

"Perhaps it's your rhyming along with your bad timing that's causing all the frowning," He said in a sing-song voice.

Everybody stared at him in awestruck silence.

Warrior looked at the door and then to everybody else. He shrugged, "I believe I know what you are thinking but I did not kick the door open forcefully enough to shut Shantotto up on purpose. Nor did I rhyme my sentence in an effort to annoy her and drill in the point...I am also not lying."

Bartz, Zidane, Tidus, Firion and Cecil cheered at Warrior's words while Cloud and Squall looked downright _horrified._

"Did...he just," Squall could only stutter the words.

"So he cracked a joke something wrong with that?" Rinoa asked curiously.

"That's the point," Cloud leaned back, "this is the first time he's ever done something like that. And it is scary."

Rinoa sighed while Warrior took a quick look around the room.

He noticed Rinoa, "It appears we have a visitor."

He examined her for a moment, "You must be Rinoa Heartilly, Squall's lover."

Rinoa was taken aback while Squall jumped to his feet, "How do you know her!"

"I have...sources; let us leave it at that," Warrior then noticed Terra spoon feeding Luneth, "Terra you must not treat Luneth like a helpless child."

Terra looked at him and asked, "Why?"

Warrior sighed, "Luneth is a healthy teenaged boy and a perfectly capable knight...at least, I hope he is."

Terra was taken aback, "Warrior?"

"What do you mean by that?" Luneth looked outraged.

"Well despite the fact that you have defeated the Cloud of Darkness and participated in this conflict, you still act like a child and require the services of a babysitter to ensure that you do not cause trouble. Therefore I am left only with the hope that you can act like a proper Cosmos Warrior...if even for short amounts of time."

Silence followed his rather long and uncharacteristic monologue. Finally, Bartz mustered up the courage, "Are you okay buddy?"

"Yes. I am perfectly fine and functional."

"_That sounds normal,"_ Cloud thought, "So where have you been and what have you been doing?"

"Well, since Terra insisted that I find some professional help, I have been looking for a maid to assist us in our household business. And I am happy to say that I believe I have found a proper one," Warrior stepped aside to allow their new household companion in.

The girl behind was wearing a maid uniform, no surprise there. What was surprising was the fact that she was...

"That's a seriously...gorgeous maid you got there," Zidane looked rather close to drooling.

Warrior responded, much to their relief, in his typical deadpan snarker voice, "I believe the word you wished to say was endowed."

"No I wasn't," Zidane was clearly staring _there_, "so does she have a name?"

"Of course she does," Warrior responded, "you would only be confirming my suspicions of your inferior intelligence if you thought otherwise."

Silence...

Cecil was obviously worried, "Since when have you been so critical?"

"I do not remember dealing damage over my set damage cap lately."

More silence.

"It's so nice to see that you're getting along so well!" the maid clapped her hands together and smiled.

Luneth took this time to ask a stupid question.

"Hey Warrior, have you been doing drugs while you were away?"

Everybody just glared at Luneth. Warrior shrugged, "I believe these are the after effects of negotiating with such...a...scary...host...fear..."

To their astonishment, Warrior sat down, bent his knees, hugged his legs and said in a rather meek voice, "Hold me..."

"Okay!"

They watched in silent shock as the maid bent over and wrapped her arms around Warrior..._and cuddled him!_

"...why do I get the feeling that Warrior did that on purpose?" Bartz finally said.

"And why do I get the feeling that he's hitting on her?" Zidane added.

(a/n)**HE IS NOT**(a/n)

"He's not flirting," Firion looked like he was breaking a cold sweat, "look at his eyes. That's real fear in there."

Cecil jumped back, "You mean he's really afraid of something!"

"Someone actually," Warrior stood up like noting happened, "but this ridiculousness aside, would you make us something to eat Ms. Hiyorimi?"

"Sure!" she replied in a sing song fashion as she headed for the kitchen with all eyes following her all the way.

"So...want to talk about the thing that makes you shiver like a helpless child?" Tidus' effort at conversation.

"No," Warrior pulled open the door to let Shantotto out.

"I thank you for your help, but it would not have been needed," Shantotto brushed the dust off her clothes, "if only you were not such a whelp."

"But seriously though," Zidane was peeking into the kitchen, "where did you get that?"

Warrior lifted a bag of groceries, "These? WalMart of course."

Another bout of silence, broken by Shantotto.

"I am at a loss for words..."

Cloud grabbed Luneth, "Alright that's it! To the Armageddon bunker!"

* * *

Okay. Enough of Warrior being un-Warrior like. To our Main Character!

Garland rode down the suburban streets on his bike. His motorcycle. His big ass gangster motorcycle. His big ass personally tuned and upgraded motorcycle painted white and blue for he is a frikin' mailman.

As he rode down the street, he pondered at how Sephiroth would respond to the humiliation he just suffered.

"Knowing him he'd probably start a PhotoShopping war," Garland got off the bike and walked down somebody's lawn towards the doorstep.

He pressed the doorbell once. No reply. He tried again. Still no answer. Maybe they're asleep?

"Not for long," Garland lifted his sword, which for some reason hasn't flattened his bike, and...

The sound of the door flying out the other end of the house could be heard for several blocks. All of it however was drowned by Garland's voice.

"HEY! WAKE UP BONEHEADS! MAIL'S HERE!"

A maid with purple hair and a strange headband approached him.

"That was not very nice de arimasu."

"Yeah yeah," Garland handed over the package, "here's the mail already just take it!"

The maid took the package, "But you really should pay for the damages de arimasu."

"It was the door's fault. It had to be so easily flown off its hinges. And yours too for buying such a useless door."

"Are you saying that all those who buy doors are fools de arimasu?"

"Only those who buy doors that withstand my attacks."

"With muscles as big as yours I wonder if there are any de arimasu...I also wonder how your brain is faring de arimasu."

"So now you're getting funny with me huh?"

"I only state what I see de arimasu."

"Whatever," Garland produced a clipboard, "just sign here already so we can be done with this."

The maid took the clipboard, signed it and bowed as Garland left.

Garland examined the clipboard, "A Ms. Carmel huh? Wonder who she is?"

Back at the house, the maid opened up the package and saw...

"Melon Bread de arimasu?"

"It must be hers," another voice called out.

The maid shook her head and proceeded upstairs.

-0-0-0-0-0-

The next day...

Garland went over the mail he was supposed to deliver and noticed...

"And so the war begins..."

He slid the pictures of Cloud wearing god knows what into his bag while pondering on how the Warrior of Cosmos would respond.

"Probably by retaliating with another set of horrid pictures."

With the thought of this little thing easily spiraling out of control, Garland left for the day's deliveries.

-0-

Meanwhile a certain someone who had just returned the other day checked their mail.

"Cloud I believe you must explain this thing I found in our mail!"

"Sure whatever," the man had no idea what kind of tongue lashing he was about to be given.

"Is there a package for me?"

"No Cecil there is not," he was already well aware of the nature of the package Cecil was expecting.

-0-

This time Garland's delivery was to a apartment complex several floors high. But since they wouldn't let him go to each individual room since they heard about this mailman destroying expensive doors, he had to put them on mailboxes in the first floor. Did we mention there's almost a thousand(and one) mailboxes? Frustrating enough huh? How about you imagine those mailboxes stacked in a rectangle _five_ mailboxes wide and...you do the math to figure out how high it is. Now imagine our intrepid and impatient knight trying to sort over _a hundred thousand _letters.

Initially...

"That's a pretty high stack of mailboxes! Wonder who had the patience to build them? Certainly not a guy like me!"

15 minutes later...

"I'm starting to feel whoever made this mailbox stack is a retard."

20 minutes...

"Okay that guy is officially a retarded prick!"

30 minutes...

"Goddamn it why are these mailboxes stacked so high!"

1 hour...

"I AM GOING TO HAVE A 'WORD' WITH THE RETARD WHO BUILT THESE MAIL BOXES!"

(a/n)Word=Kill(a/n)

1 and a half hours...

"Ha almost do-"

"Excuse me sir," a bellboy was carrying a very large sack with him, "some more letters have arrived. Could you please sort them out?"

Before Garland could say no, the bellboy dropped the sack and left the room.

Garland walked down, picked up the sack and emptied its contents...of another hundred thousand or so letters.

Garland stood in silence for a moment. Then he grabbed a fistful of letters and stuffed them into the nearest mailbox shouting, "Oh _SCREW THIS!_"

With those words, Garland has somehow managed to punch the building with enough force to outright destroy the main supports...we all know how that would end.

-0-0-0-0-0-

The next morning. Despite Warrior's serious and heavy worded tongue lashing, Cloud still proceeded with a counter attack. And the first people to bear witness to these were...

The mailmen. Lucky them.

Garland once again found himself looking at another displeasing photograph of Sephiroth. Although Sephiroth himself had already explained to him this machine called the computer, he still can't get over the impact of the images on his mental well being.

Pushing the thought aside, he went to deliver today's packages. The packages in question where similar in every detail. They were about the size of a Rubik's Cube and was made of flimsy cardboard. How they maintained the shape is beyond him. Also how they intended for him to not mix them up.

"Well I guess the difference won't anyway! They probably contain the same things!"

(a/n)They don't(a/n)

Garland eventually got to his destination...the banks of the river.

Garland looked around, "Where the heck am I suppose to deliver this first box thingy?"

He then noticed a barge in the middle of the river. He took out a clipboard and examined where the first package was supposed to go.

"Barge in the middle of the river," Garland read aloud, "F*ck. So how do I get across? Do I swim? Do I throw the package at the boat at mach 8 point something? Or should I use that conveniently placed and unguarded motorboat?"

(a/n)To his left is a boat with a sign that has those exact same words.(a/n)

"What to do? Oh what to do?"

(a/n)Take the motorboat...really(a/n)

"Am I so low as to steal this unguarded boat?"

(a/n)Your a Warrior of Chaos of course you are! Now do us a favor and take the goddamn-(a/n)

"That's it! I will trow the package!"

(a/n)...never the hell mind!(a/n)

As such Garland assumed a pitcher's position and threw.

The air was rent at the speed of which Garland threw the package. It was moments away from hitting the barge below the water line...

At the bar.

"I'm waiting for a package that's about the size of a Rubik's Cube and is made of flimsy cardboard. So if any of you see it, hand it over."

William leaned back on the counter after addressing the bar of that not so important matter.

"What's in the package anyway?" Jecht inquired.

"Explodium."

"Huh? What's that?"

"Exactly what it says on the tin. Very volatile. If you throw it at speed and it comes to contact with any object it _will _explode..._dramatically_."

"So why'd you send such a dangerous package through the mail?"

"Because I am a ch_ee_ap bastard! Anyway I hope the dope of a mailman doesn't mistake it with another package!"

A huge barge-sinking explosion was heard.

Jecht noted the dust falling from the ceiling, "Wow. An explosion like that could sink a _barge_."

"Let's not go _barging _into conclusions shall we," William announced, "anyway my package should be here-"

Garland walked in looking like he did something bad.

"Hey pal!" Jecht greeted him warmly, "what's the matter pal? You look like _you just sunk a barge_!"

Garland swallowed hard, "Y-you could say that..."

Everybody just raised their eyebrows as Garland handed a package to William.

William grabbed it, "Thank yo- Hey! This ain't my package?"

"You sure?" Garland produced the clipboard, "it says here I have to give to the jerk at the fifth table."

"Very funny," William gave back the unopened package, "but that isn't explodioum!"

"Then what is it?" Jecht was once again curious.

(a/n)And apparently curiosity kills badasses(a/n)

"Shittonium. Smells like sh*t."

Garland took a sniff, "No kidding. Here Mateus, a gift."

Mateus, who had just arrived, examined the package, "This will go beautifully in my office."

Jecht couldn't help but snicker.

-0-0-0-0-0-

The next morning Garland returned to the scene with the correct package...after ignoring and refusing to deliver yet another wave of horrid photos. There was a new barge there that was still occupied by the same hopeless dopes. But now he had to deliver it in a...less destructive manner.

"I know!" Garland sped off.

Half-an-hour-later.

All was quiet in the river...which obviously means...

"Does anybody else hear a motorcycle?"

"The hell are you talking about, that's-. Hey you're right! Where's it coming from?"

Suddenly, and rather predictably, a bunch of tentacles, blue ones to be exact, exploded from the water. The crew screamed in panic as the tentacles wrapped around the boat and a huge face appeared and bit the boat's bow. A long purple cape was attached on its neck and it stretched out deeper into the river. From the depths of the river, a light was seen. Afterwards, the unmistakeable sound of a motorcycle was heard. The light came closer and the motorcycle picked up speed. Soon it sailed over the creature's head, landed on the deck, and skid to a stop several feet behind the astonished men.

"Hey there," Garland lifted the package, "here's your..."

Garland found that all of the men had dropped dead for some reason he couldn't figure out.

(a/n)You try having a giant squid monster come out of nowhere grab, your boat, and then have a rider-of-doom looking guy ride up from underwater and land onto the boat looking like it wanted to kill you. Wouldn't you have a heart attack?(a/n)

"Shut up Mr. disembodied voice!" Garland replaced the package and the clipboard.

"I wasn't saying anything!" Kraken complained, "and I was only doing as you asked."

"Well it looks like you killed them," for a moment he looked like he was on the right track. Then, "you should take a bath! Seriously you stink!"

"I don't think that's the issue here."

"Don't care really. Now take me back to shore and haul yourself over to Jecht's bar. They have showers there."

"Fine," Kraken lifted his boss to back to shore and left.

"Let's see," Garland checked his clipboard, "next is to some guy named Averruncus...some sort of giant key thingy with a globe thingy on the end...wonder what it's for?"

He took of in the direction of a tall apartment complex. Upon reaching the proper floor, he knocked on the door and found himself face to face with a boy with aquamarine hair and blue eyes. Nothing strange about that huh? Imagine if the boy, who should be around 12 or so, was less than a foot high and looked as if he was _chibified_.

"Uh...you okay?"

The boy ignored him and stretched his hands, "Do you have it?"

"You mean your key thing?" Garland lifted it, "Yeah I do. Sign here."

The trade was completed but Garland didn't leave.

"Is something wrong?"

"...what do you need that key for? You got a big door that needs unlocking or something?"

"Or something."

"That doesn't answer my question really. Need to get out of a pinch?"

"Yes. Now goodbye," he slammed the door in Garland's face.

"...punkass," Garland then left.

-0-0-0-0-0-

The next day, Garland had finally had enough of the displeasing photographs. So before going to work, he stopped by the bar and had a 'talk' with Sephiroth.

And by talk we mean...

"And this had better stop. Got it?"

Garland left the bar and a severely beaten up Sephiroth.

Jecht shook his head, "Must be tough on you buddy. Having to stop."

"Whoever said I was stopping? A few injuries isn't gonna stop me from going."

"Then what will?"

"He has to concede first."

"You are hopeless..."

-0-

Meanwhile, Garland delivered his first package. When he arrived at the residence, he was greeted by a 50 foot tall gate.

Made of gold.

Solid gold.

..._DAMN._

(a/n)I wish I had that much money...(a/n)

The walls were made of high quality marble that was so polished it shone like frikin silver!

"...I wonder if I should just rob this guy?"

With that thought, he rode through the gate and passed through a huge garden before arriving at the front door. He pressed the doorbell and a series of bells were heard from inside.

Bells that you would only find on the top of a goddamn clock tower that is.

Garland wondered who the owner of this mansion could be. When the door opened his jaw just dropped.

"Ah Garland. It appears you have discovered my retreat."

"GOLBEZ!"

"No need to shout," Golbez opened the door wider...the 10 foot silver door, "would you like to come in?"

"No thanks. I still got something to do," Garland handed the package and the clipboard, "sign here."

Golbez signed the papers and returned it to Garland, "Are you sure you do not wish to come in?"

"Yes," Garland looked inside and saw a replica of the Crystal Palace.

Made of gold.

And silver.

And rubies.

And emeralds.

And pearls.

And goddamned diamonds.

"Where did you get all this!"

"It's funny what a few lunarian credits can translate into. Speaking of which," Golbez reached into his cape, "I need to tip you."

"Golbez," Garland sharply said, "I am a frikin mailman and a Warrior of Chaos. You don't need to tip me."

"But I have tipped every person who gave me a delivery so I must not discriminate," Golbez handed him a big ass solid gold bar, "there you go."

"...you're telling me you give people who deliver you stuff gold bars?"

"Yes."

"...I'm...going to leave now."

"Take care."

Garland hurried the hell out of there.

"Seriously what does that guy do?" he wondered as he sped across town, "anyway, one last package."

He picked it up and smiled, "A very interesting package."

-0-

Moments later, he arrived at Warriors of Cosmos' residence.

But what greeted him was an unusual sight. Warrior was standing next to the mailbox...wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and _shorts. _Plus he was drinking some sort of tea.

"What the hell are you doing?" he parked the bike exactly in front of Warrior.

"Good morning Garland," he responded before taking a sip of tea, "thank you for bringing our mail."

"Don't ignore the question."

"I feel like wearing something casual. Is that a problem?"

"No but...T-shirts and shorts? What the hell?"

"I do not question you methods of dressing."

"That's because the only thing I wear is this full plate armor of mine."

Warrior shook his head, "Granted. Now I believe that package over there is Cecil's. Could you please give it to me so I can give it to him?"

"Nope," Garland hid the package, "I am the mailman. I will hand it to him personally."

Warrior hesitated, "Do you know exactly what the package contains?"

"Yup."

"...try not to humiliate him please."

"Sure thing...," Garland headed for the house with Warrior following.

When they arrived at the living room, Shantotto was in the middle of another annoying rhyme when Garland 'accidentally' stepped on her.

"Oh I _am so sorry_!" then he leaned to her face, "NOT!"

"Garland is that-yawn-really neccesa-yawn-ry," Warrior looked sleepy.

Garland backed away a little and glanced at the other warriors, "Is he alright?"

"Ever since he came back?" Cloud replied, "no."

"Anyway. Where is Cecil?"

"He's in the kitchen," Squall replied, "why?"

Garland turned towards the kitchen and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"CECIL HARVEY! YOUR **PORNOS **ARE HERE!"

A crash was heard from the kitchen as the paladin hurried out...only to slam into Garland's palm.

"G-Garland!"

"Wait," Squall looked up, "_pornos _you mean he-"

"Subscribes to porn magazines? Yes," Garland then jerked a thumb at Warrior, "he knows as well. Since he handles the mail."

Everybody turned to Warrior.

"How long have you known?" Tidus asked.

"Ever since we became comrades. But that aside," he turned to Garland, "what ever happened to not humiliating him?"

"Warrior. I am a Warrior of Chaos. There may be a ceasefire but I will still do everything in my power to humiliate you or your companions."

"Do not f*ck with me." -deadpan.

"Oh so you think you're a-," the realization then hit him, "wait what!"

Warrior repeated his words and leaned closer with everyone of them.

"Do."-deadpan.

"Not."-deadpan.

"F*CK!"-angry.

"With."-deadpan.

"ME."-deathglare.

In the end, Warrior was inches away from Garland's face and everybody was stunned.

Garland, after recovering from the shock, pushed him away uneasily. The he asked the other, "What the...?"

They just shrugged, "He's been like that since he got back."

Garland didn't respond. So he let go of Warrior and grabbed Cloud, "Excuse me while I have a word with this guy."

He stopped at the doorway, "And for the record, I was-"

"Messing around with Cecil and by extension me."

"...fine whatever," Garland pulled Cloud into the corridor and asked, "Since when was he like that?"

"Like we said since he got back. He also showed genuine fear and cracked jokes immediately after retur-OUCH!"

The rest of the words were cut off when Garland accidentally pushed his thumb into Cloud's eye socket.

"Zidane, Tidus, Bartz," Warrior said dangerously in the background of Cloud's anguished cries, "I wouldn't touch those if I were you..."

The sheer aura of evil and darkness emanating from Warrior sent shivers up even Squall's spines.

"Are we clear with that?"-Imagine Warrior's voice...demonized.

They all nodded silently. Suddenly, the source of their terror swayed on the spot and landed on the sofa.

"I want to sleep. Someone carry me to my room. I'm too lazy to walk right now."

"...Okay something is definitely wrong with this guy."

* * *

The next day at the bar.

Garland sat and growled.

"Something wrong?" Jecht inquired.

"Those two bastard didn't listen."

"So they're still sending images all over town?"

"Yes...so I quit the postal service."

"Why?" Tony leaned back, "you were doing fine."

"I figured," he downed his triple dose of vodka, "I needed more time to beat the snot out of them."

At that exact moment, Sephiroth walked down the bar.

"Ah Sephiroth perfect timing," he stood up bringing an aura of death with him, "you never learn do you?"

"Guess not."

Suddenly the cape exploded with evil and Garland's armor flashed white with evil dark runes.

"So I noticed," the voice of a thousand screaming demons came from under the helmet, "time to beat it into you then."

Jecht lifted a slip of paper, "Good thing I updated my insurance policy!"

-0-0-

Meanwhile in a tower law office.

A neatly trimmed and mannered lawyer stood watching the cars flash by the street below.

"That's right," he said to no one in particular, "I have to get something for them. We haven't spoken for quite a while."

* * *

A/N Who the hell is this retard?


	13. Exdeath and the Lawyer

Disclaimer: Nothing has changed.

a/n Vacation Time.

To ForcedDj: I...do not know what to say except thank you. That is very encouraging.

* * *

Chapter 13: Exdeath and the lawyer.

Exdeath started the day as he normally did. Well not exactly. If it was a regular day at office, he would've put on that pimped out suit of his, put on his pimpin' rings, put on his pimped out hat, brought out the pimped out semi autos, and put on what he affectionately calls his "bling o' war". Then he would've boarded his pimped out motorcade to...do things that will be elaborated on another chapter.

But that isn't the case. Lately there has been a lull in the..."activities" he partakes in. It could partially be attributed to the change in season. It was starting to snow already and people were getting into the spirit. Even his employees. So he decided to take today off, not like the events of the day were going to, I don't know, drive him _insane_ or anything.

"I'm going to take the day off," Exdeath put on a trench coat, "not like a vacation within this vacation is going to drive me _insane_ or anything."

Exdeath walked out of the door of his pent house with the intent to find a good restaurant to have breakfast in.

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile in a Castle that was lying a little too close to the darkness...not that the residents cared anyway.

In a room that had a view of a curious gold colored, heart shaped moon, people in black cloaks with the hoods pulled down milled about.

One of them, a man with light blue hair and a x-shaped scar with a the vertex right between his eyes, stood with his back to the moon talking to a man with blonde hair carrying a sitar of varying shades of blue.

"Here is today's mission," the man with the scar was saying, "for once I'm going to listen to your complaints and give you a recon mission."

The blonde haired man took a look at the orders, "Thanks man. Though I would appreciate it more if you could..."

The blue haired man glared at him, "No. I am not about to let you walk away without work. I am doing this in an attempt to make you more productive."

A dark haired man sitting on one of the couches laughed, "As if. You'd have better luck trying to convince us we have hearts!"

"Don't get ahead of yourself. You have your orders, depart."

With that the blue haired man left the room. The dark haired man stood up, shook his head, and left as well.

Now alone, the blonde man considered his options. It's not like he didn't want this type of mission. In all fairness he actually preferred missions that didn't involve fighting. But he really didn't feel like going on a mission today. There was no way he could just leave this mission undone, X-man was gonna kill him for it. He could try and dump the mission on somebody else. He took a quick look around the room and saw that there was nobody there. So much for that idea.

"Well," he summoned a dark oval portal in front of him, "just got to find some way to finish this mission."

He entered the portal and left the castle.

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile in the Cosmos residence...

"Miss Hiyorimi could I have some more coffee?"

"Sure thing!"

"Miss Hiyorimi could I have more cereal?"

"There in a minute!"

"Miss Hiyorimi could I have seconds?"

"Coming right up!"

"Miss Hiyorimi would you mind going out with-"

SMACK!

The sides of Firion's and Cloud's hands smacked Zidane's back.

"OW! Hey what was that for!"

"What do you think?" Firion went back to his breakfast.

"You already have a girlfriend don't you?" Cloud took another sip of coffee, "you could do her a favor and not cheat on her."

"Hey no matter what I do, I'm faithful to Garnet," Zidane answered back, "and don't you suggest otherwise."

"A touchy subject so it appears," Warrior suddenly cracked, "but if Cecil can pull off being a bit of a skirt chaser _while _being intensely devoted to his wife..."

"Don't remind us," Firion rubbed his temples.

"Have to admit," Cloud thought back to the magazines he made sure Luneth wouldn't see, "never thought Cecil, of all people, actually subscribes to those things."

"What were in those anyway?" Luneth said through a mouthful of cereal.

"There are somethings in this world that best left unsaid," Warrior replied, "...until of course you reach that mystic stage of life we like to refer to as...puberty."

"Why do you keep telling me I have to wait until puberty?"

"Because it is typically not a good idea to inform pint sized brats of those things before they reached that wondrous stage."

While the two continued to argue in a strange manner, Tidus walked in.

"Morning guys," Tidus poured himself some milk and helped himself to some bacon and eggs, "what's with those two?"

"Arguing about the benefits of puberty."

Tidus raised an eyebrow, "Right..."

Zidane raised his hands, "Don't ask."

Tidus shrugged and sat down between Cloud and Firion and watched the other two continue arguing.

"You know, I've been thinking." Zidane suddenly brought up.

"What?"

"Maybe we should get to the bottom of what's making him act strange before anything weirder happens."

"You have a point there," Firion replied, "where do you think we should start?"

"We can start be looking for any strange new habits he formed."

The three of them took a few moments eying Warrior as he argued with Luneth and drank some more of that earl gray tea he recently had a sudden liking of.

"Can't see anything strange here," Tidus said after a few minutes.

"Guess we'll have to keep looking," Firion responded.

Their conversation was interrupted when Miss Hiyorimi walked over, "Excuse me Mr. Strife? Could you run over to the supermarket and fetch me a few things?"

Cloud took the slip of paper she was holding out, "Sure. See you later guys."

Cloud grabbed the keys to his bike, put on a coat for the snow, and left. The remaining men sat there in silence until Tidus noticed.

"Where are the others by the way?"

"Oh them? Well, Cecil is still in hiding in his room out of embarrassment. Bartz is trying to convince Cosmos to let Boko come and stay over. Terra went to visit an orphanage in town; she has a thing for children. Shantotto's taken her sweet time in the bath. And Squall and Rinoa went out," Firion recalled.

"Went out? For breakfast?" Tidus took some more bacon, "Damn. Wish me and Yuna could go out more often..."

"Yuna? Oh you mean that hot High Summoner/Dancer girlfriend of yours," Zidane then added, "she looks great in a two piece."

Tidus dropped the fork he was holding, at which Zidane smiled mischievously.

"I didn't go breaking into your room if that's what you're thinking."

"Okay...so where exactly did you see that picture of her wearing a two piece?" Tidus said in a rather dangerous voice.

Zidane smirked, "In one of Cecil's magazines."

There was a short silence before Tidus' predictable outbursts.

"CECIL! JUST WHAT THE HECK IS IN THOSE MAGAZINES OF YOURS!"

-0-0-0-

In one of those fancy restaurants that the big shots go to...

Exdeath pushed away the plate in satisfaction. It does appear that having money has its benefits. He looked outside his private booth which had a clear view of the door and drank some more wine. While drinking, he began to think about this city he found himself in. Recently he has noticed a lot of strange happenings but being who he is, it wasn't something that surprised him.

"I've seen things that would normally drive even the most stable of men over the edge, nothing can possibly surprise me!" Exdeath declared, "Well, maybe except seeing someone normally stoic and emotionless, like say Squall Leonhart, walking right into this very restaurant hand in hand with someone! Like that'll ever happen!"

He laughed to himself for a while because of the ridiculousness of the idea.

Suddenly his attention is caught by the sound of the door opening. As is habitual of him, he turned to identify the new comers. His jaw hit the floor. Metaphorically at least.

Right there was the person who, moments ago, he was speaking of. There was Squall Leonhart ordering a table while standing hand in hand with, of all things, a girl. Exdeath watched in dumbstruck awe as Squall laughed and _smiled _with the girl as they headed for a table next to a window.

Exdeath lifted his wine glass and took a sniff. The wine wasn't too powerful so he knew he wasn't seeing things. He took a quick look back at Squall, and decided to leave before he saw anything else.

To the couple...

"Really Squall why'd you ask me to this restaurant for breakfast?"

Squall raised an eyebrow, "Are you saying you didn't want to come?"

"I'm not saying that!" Rinoa quickly responded, "It's just that it's a little strange."

"Well I wanted to spend some time with you," Squall replied with a smile, "And William recommended this restaurant to me because he said it was a nice place."

Rinoa smiled back, "So I guess he isn't exactly that much of a bad guy."

Squall frowned, "I still think he's suspicious."

"You know mach you should be a little more sensitive," the waiter suddenly said.

Squall turned, "Speak of the devil. You work here?"

"You could say that. Yes," William gave them menus, "so what'll be?"

While Rinoa was ordering, Squall glanced out the window and saw Exdeath hurrying away.

"_Exdeath? What was he doing here? If I had a guess..._" he turned back to William, "What was Exdeath doing here?"

"What?" William looked out the window, "I think he had breakfast here. This place is very popular you know. And no I did not intend for him to see you here."

Squall then shrugged it off and placed an order. After which William left them.

In the kitchen, William called one of his employees, "Hey Sarge, here are some more orders for the chef. Tell him to make it snappy!"

"Yes sir," and the employee left.

He then moved by one of the windows and watched the snow fall a little. He was about to tend to customers when he noticed something. A dark oval portal appeared in one of the alleys. Moments later a blonde person wearing a black coat and carrying a sitar of various shades of blue stepped out while the portal closed behind him. The man looked around a little, lifted the hood of his coat, then ran off somewhere.

"Well what do we have here..."

Another employee walked and followed William's gaze, "You intend to do something sire?"

"Yup," William picked up his coat and sword then stepped out the service door into the snowing streets, "I think I'm gonna mess with his life a little."

-0-0-0-

On the top of a law office in another part of town.

A lawyer was working his contacts to arrange somethings that he needed for later in the afternoon.

"Look I am well aware of the price tag attached to these vehicles," he was saying to the his phone, "Yes I am willing to pay that amount, just have it delivered by this afternoon to the address I gave you."

He hung up and looked at his watch, "Have to hurry. I haven't been able to see my friends in a while so I believe a few gifts are in order."

* * *

The blonde haired man peeked out of an alley and viewed one of the main roads.

"Just how big is this city?" he wondered as he scratched the back of his head.

"The last census put it at 700 square kilometers with a population of around a quarter of a million," a voice suddenly called from behind him.

The man turned around ready to strike but found a rather large handgun pointed right between his eyes. Its owner was a man wearing clothing so white he was nearly invisible against the snow and the white buildings.

"Hey there," William lowered his gun, "not here to fight you. If I did I would've already shot you."

The blonde man was still wary, "So what exactly do you want?"

"Nothing much, just wondering what a suspicious figure wearing all black is doing wandering around the streets in the middle of winter," William put his gun back into his coat, "you're not very stealthy in that outfit you know."

"Well," he relaxed slightly, "not like I have a choice anyway. Hey, you seem to know a lot about the city."

"I've lived here for a while so yeah I do but not to much though. What about it?"

"Well since my cover's already blown, would you mind giving me a hand?"

"Sure, but you have to answer one question first?"

"Shoot."

"Where were you headed?"

The blonde man was silenced for a moment, "I...don't know actually. Someway or the I wound up walking in this direction."

"Like you were being called by something? Where was it leading you?"

He scratched his chin for a second then pointed to a stairwell leading down, "There I think."

William took one look at it and started laughing, "Guess it is true."

"What?"

William shook his head, "Nothing, nothing. Come on, I may not be of much help but the patrons in that bar should be very helpful."

He then led the blonde man into Sir Jecht's bar.

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, Exdeath walked along the sidewalk thinking of what he just saw.

"That, no matter how you look at it, was strange," he was saying to himself, "what makes it stranger was the fact I was talking about something like that just before it happened."

The sidewalk was empty since the snow was heavy and it was still rather early.

"If I remember correctly," Exdeath continued, "you that kind of incident something...I recall reading about it last night on a site called Tv-something. What was it again?"

He continued walking, not really paying attention to where he was going.

"It starts with Tempting," Exdeath continued to recall, "Tempting something..."

He approached the street corner still not paying attention to anything.

"It's at the tip of my tongue...I got it! It was Tempting Fat-oof!"

Exdeath collided with something that was coming around the corner but remained standing. Out of instinct, he kicked whatever it was down to the ground and placed his foot squarely on its chest.

"Watch where you're going going mortal," Exdeath growled at the blue eyed, aquamarine haired boy.

"Fate-sama!" a voice from Exdeath's right shouted.

He faced that way and saw 4 girls all wearing identical clothing. One of the girls, the one with cat ears and a cat tail, was addressing him.

"Hey get your foot off him! If anything you should be the one looking where you're going!"

Exdeath reached over and hoisted the little girl by her collar, "What were you saying worm?"

"I-told-you," she pulled out a small hourglass like object, "to-get-off-of-Fate-sama!"

"Do you have any idea who you're-his name is Fate?"

Exdeath dropped the girl and turned back to the boy he was squashing, "Your name is Fate?"

The boy stared back at him blankly, "Yes. My name is Fate. What about it?"

Exdeath and the boy stared silently for a few awkward moments while the boys minions attacked Exdeath from all sides. After a short while, Exdeath lifted his foot and walked away without saying a word.

One of the girls helped the boy up, "The nerve of that guy...are you alright?"

"Yes," the boy brushed some dust off his clothing then he turned to the cat girl and patted her head, "thank you. You were very brave back there."

The word kawaii and moe would be insufficient to describe the look on the girl's face.

-0-0-0-

Exdeath, meanwhile, had several thoughts running through his mind but this was the most predominant.

"_I think of fate and BAM! I run into a boy named Fate. Is the universe conspiring against me!"_

* * *

Meanwhile, Cloud walked out of the supermarket, groceries in hand. He walked over to the Fenrir and placed the groceries inside the sword compartments.

"Well," he said to himself, "good to know this is useful for something other than carrying the fusion swords."

He was about to leave when he heard a loud metallic clank behind him. He turned around and noticed a large red barrel with the word "FLAMMABLE" printed on the side.

Cloud reached behind him and gripped the handle of the Buster Sword. He was sure that wasn't there earlier.

He approached the barrel carefully. This has got to be another one of Sephiroth's little ploys. True enough, when he was about five feet from the barrel, it suddenly exploded and scattered flaming debris and fuel all over the parking lot. As if making a dramatic entry, Sephiroth walked out from behind the smoke.

"Hello...Strife."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Don't you ever give up?"

Sephiroth didn't reply, instead he rushed forward.

Cloud sighed, lifted his sword...and realized that Sephiroth had just run past him.

He watched in dumbstruck awe as Sephiroth ran to one of those emergency boxes, smashed the glass to pieces, pulled out the fire extinguisher and proceeded to put out the fire that he had started in the parking lot.

"Uh...Sephiroth?" Cloud approached his arch-nemesis while said nemesis was putting out the flames near the Fenrir.

"What?"

"The hell are you doing!"

Sephiroth looked at him incredulously, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm putting out this fire."

Cloud just stood there in silence for a minute, "Well...that's rather nice of you."

"Is that a compliment I hear from you Strife?"

They stared at each other for a few moments. The all of a sudden...

Sephiroth unleashes pressurized Carbon Dioxide on Cloud's face. Then he hit Cloud's chin with the bottom of the extinguisher, then his face to send him to the ground. Sephiroth then kneeled between Cloud's legs and started smacking the fire extinguisher into his...sensitive bits...

"I TOLD YOU I'D GET YOU BACK FOR THAT WHOLE PHOTOSHOPPING WAR!"

At the mall entrance, Exdeath stood in mild shock. Grocery bag in one hand, half eaten melon in the other. It was okay that Sephiroth was beating the hell out of Cloud with a fire extinguisher, what was strange was the fact that the two officers in the station to his left didn't give a damn at all.

"Hey Johnny," one of the said, "isn't that the guy that chased away our boss?"

"Which one?"

"The one getting smacked in the nuts."

"Hmn...yup, that's the bastard alright."

"...think we should help him?"

"No. he's getting what he deserves for running us out of a job. You believe in karma right?"

"Yup! Just checking!"

Exdeath shook his head, "It's incompetent officers like these that allow me to do my business so well."

-0-0-0-

At the bar.

William introduced his new found companion to the many, many, patrons of the bar.

"Hey everyone, I think this guy over here has a few things he wants to ask about our glorious scum pit of a city."

A chair, table and a knife flew from the crowd and smacked William, knocking him to the ground.

The blonde man took a few steps away, "Whoa...what was that!"

"Typical reaction to any of the a-class BS that he spits out," Jecht motioned to one of the seats, "sit down. You got a name?"

"Uh yeah", he sat down next to a man in big armor.

"Well let's hear it!"

William suddenly sat up, "Just call him Arpeggio."

"Uh...sure," the blonde man was thankful for the alias.

"Well nice to meet ya!" Jecht shock his hand, "the whole gang's not here but the guy you're sitting next to is Garland. Do. Not. break the law on his watch."

Garland moved his cape and revealed his impressive sword to Arpeggio. Who replied with a stiff nod.

"So," Jecht poured him a drink, "what can we help ya with?"

Arpeggio smiled to himself, _"I didn't think it was gonna be this easy."_

"_This moron doesn't know what I'm about to do to him," _William thought to himself.

* * *

At the Cosmos residence.

Cloud sat in agonizing pain as the other warriors attempted to to ease it.

"Come on Firion what's taking that cure spell so long?" a panicky Tidus asked.

"I don't know! For some reason I can't cast magic."

"But why?" Zidane asked no one in particular, "I mean we had a good night sleep right? That should've been enough to restore our magic."

"Oh about that...," Warrior lowered his newspaper slightly, "there's a magic draining field that suddenly surfaced last night. It completely encompases this residence and as such we cannot cast any magic."

"Well thanks for the heads up," Tidus replied sarcastically, "how'd that field get there in the first place."

"I'm not saying it was because of me."

A short bout of silence followed. Then Firion asked.

"Let's assume it was you...why would you do that?"

Warrior sipped some tea before replying, "Well...it happened when I was drunk on tea last night..."

"Drunk on..._tea_?"

"Yes...do not judge me."

"Aw forget that!" Tidus turned back to Cloud, "maybe we should just move him to the hospital."

"No," Warrior interjected, "I'll just call one of the doctors I know and have him make a house call. Does that sit well with you?"

"Sounds like the most sane thing you've said all day," Tidus lifted Cloud's legs, "let's get this guy to his room."

Firion nodded and lifted Cloud's shoulders. Together they carried him to his room upstairs.

"Well," Zidane stood up and headed to the kitchen, "I'm gonna fix myself something to eat."

"Sounds like a great idea," Luneth stood up and followed.

As they disappeared into the kitchen, Warrior stood up and headed for the phone which was located next to a window.

"Wait a moment," Warrior suddenly realized, "they went into the kitchen? If I remember correctly...the strange things I did during my drunken haze weren't limited to creating that anti-magic field. There was something else...and it involved the food in the closet."

Suddenly screams and crashes were heard from the kitchen.

"What the hell is that!"

"I think that's the cereal!"

"Then what's that other thing!"

"The fruits and vegetables!"

Loud bangs and crashes were heard along with the screams, "THE KITCHEN IS TRYING TO KILL US!"

Warrior suppressed a chuckle, "I see...now I remember."

Firion stepped down from the stairs, "What's all that racket?"

He froze when he noticed the chuckling Warrior, "Uh...Warrior?"

"What is it Firion?" he asked...with a _smile._

Firion backed away slightly, "Uh...what's with all the noise?"

"That would be Zidane and Luneth running away from the food monstrosities I created last night."

Firion was justifiably shocked, "Food...monstrosities?"

"Yes," Warrior's smile broadened as it did, a storm began to brew outside, "I believe I accomplished it by infusing the food in the cupboard with the power of the light."

"Something tells me I don't want to hear the results..."

Warrior, either not hearing or ignoring Firion's complaint, continued, "I believe I managed to create an amalgamation between a dragon and a rhinoceros using some of the things I found in the cupboards. Though I have to say...I didn't expect it to be this funny."

A loud crash and more screams where heard. At which Warrior just flat out started laughing.

Firion was, of course, very unnerved, "uh...about the doctor..."

"Don't worry," Warrior gasped between laughs, "I'll get too it."

Firion left, rather shaken, "Well...just hope nobody else sees that..."

-0-0-0-

Outside, buried to the shoulders by the sudden snow storm, Exdeath stood in silence.

Through the window, he could see the Warrior of Light smiling. Okay, Squall smiling was bad enough. But at least he had been know to show emotion every now and again, but Warrior? The guy has shown zero emotion ever since Exdeath met him. Right then and there Exdeath thought he's seen everything. Until of course Warrior buckled over in laughter. At which point Exdeath just walked away saying, "The universe _is _conspiring against me!"

* * *

Exdeath boarded a bus since it was snowing rather heavily. On board he sat next to blonde lawyer. He got off the bus in front of the bar and proceeded downstairs. He didn't notice that the lawyer also got off.

As he entered, he saw a new fellow. The guy was dressed in a black coat, had blonde hair and was playing a sitar for the enjoyment of everybody.

Exdeath took a quick look and noticed that everybody was here. Well everybody but Kefka, who was still in the asylum. Or so they were told.

Jecht immediately noticed him, "Hey there Exdeath! How ya doing?"

"I have had better days."

"Okay...," Jecht motioned over to the man with the sitar, "this here is Arpeggio."

Exdeath examined him, "Are you referring to the man or the instrument?"

"Both," Jecht slid him a drink, "By the way, who's that?"

"Who?"

"That guy," Jecht pointed behind him, "the lawyer looking fellow that came in with you. You know him?"

Exdeath turned and sure enough, the lawyer he saw at the bus was there.

"What do you want mortal?"

The lawyer was surprised and looked slightly offended, "That's a bit mean of you Exdeath. Don't you remember me?"

"I have never met a blonde lawyer in my life."

"Now that is really mean of you," the lawyer turned to Jecht, "Sure you must remember me. Right Jecht?"

Jecht only stared back at him blankly. The lawyer gave an exasperated sigh, "Do all of you really not remember me? Garland? Mayor Palmanecia? Cloud of Darkness? Golbez? Sephiroth? Ultimecia? Kuja? You really don't remember?"

The Warriors just stared at him blankly.

"Really," the lawyer sat down between Arpeggio and Garland and addressed the armored man, "I thought we were all closer than that."

"Listen," Garland faced him, "I don't know who the hell you are. But this can all be cleared out if you tell just who are you and how you know all our names."

The lawyer sighed, "We've been working together for quite a long time now. Sure originally it wasn't much, but we did warm up to each other."

"If you believe that you must be hallucinating."

"But," Golbez interjected, "I do not remember a lawyer joining our ranks."

Arpeggio put down the report they had compiled for him, "But you did mention that there was a blonde member of yours that got sent to the asylum."

"Yeah," Jecht recalled, "now that you mention, I don't think he's been released yet."

"I do not remember going to an asylum."

Jecht turned to the lawyer, "...what makes you think we're talking about you? You are you anyway?"

The lawyer shook his head in surrender, "You really can't recall. It is I _Kefka Palazzo _your missing member!"

A great silence engulfed the bar. It was followed by a general outcry of "WHAT!" from the Warriors of Chaos.

"Wait wait wait, back up," Jecht was bewildered, "Kefka Palazzo? Our same Kefka Palazzo!"

"Do you know of another Kefka Palazzo?"

"No...just, just no!"

Golbez walked over, "Strange, based on his physical appearance I would indeed say that this is Kefka. But..."

"The attitude is all wrong," Garland commented.

"Well I don't I've met this Kefka guy yet so do you mind if I ask? What's he like?" Arpeggio asked.

"Insane psychopathic clown that gets turned on everything he blows something up," William replied.

The lawye- I mean _Kefka, _looked insulted, "Excuse me but I believe it is impolite to be spreading such incorrect rumors about people."

"Those words are far from incorrect," Ultimecia replied, "those are the characteristics of the Kefka we know."

"Not you to Ultimecia," "Kefka" sighed, "I am an honest and well mannered lawyer. How many times must I tell you."

"You have never been a lawyer," Sephiroth lifted his glass, "don't go hallucinating about these things clown."

"What is with these clown jokes today? I've never been a clown...well except on that one time."

"What are you talking about?" Kuja inquired.

"You know. The party when we met. Everybody was in a costume then. I think it was the boss' idea."

"Absurd. There has never been a party at our time." Cloud of Darkness replied.

"Enough of this!" Mateus declared, "Prove to us that you are Kefka!"

"Sigh. So friends must now prove their identities to each other?" he pulled out what appeared to be a letter, "here's a copy of the letter Mr. Chaos sent to us and here is a copy of my law degree. Also, here the photo we took when we first met and here's the badge they gave us as a sign of employment."

They took a look at the photo. True enough, it was of them assembled. But it wasn't for a party.

"This the employment photo they took when we all first met!" Jecht declared, "And this, this is one of the pins Chaos gave us!"

"Like I said, I was there," he pointed to the clown off to the side, "see? Don't know what possessed me but I wound up wearing a clown costume."

"Hmn...," Garland thought for a moment, "well...these do point to the fact that you are Kefka...what do you think Exdeath? Uh...Exdeath?"

They turned and noticed that Exdeath was sitting down holding his head in his hands.

"...What's wrong Exdeath?"

"The universe...is conspiring against me."

"Huh?"

Everybody now focused their attention to Exdeath.

"Hey," Jecht approached cautiously, "you okay there buddy..."

"The world...conspiring against me..."

Garland backed away, "I don't like the looks of this."

"And I should be leaving," Arpeggio picked up his sitar, "gotta go!"

"Hey!" William tossed him his report, "you forgot that!"

"Thanks!" Arpeggio vanished. Leaving William with a victorious look.

Then all of a sudden.

"THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE MEAN NOTHING!"

He turned around just in time to see Exdeath lift the counter.

"I do not like the looks of this."

They ducked and ran as Exdeath began to throw things left and right.

"What's wrong with him!" Garland shouted over the commotion.

"If I had a guess," Golbez replied, watching Exdeath lift a hapless bar patron and shout things at him, "I'd say it has been a strange day for him."

"If I had a guess," William called out, "I'd say he's insane."

"Dear me."

They turned to look at Kefka who was just standing there.

"Has something happened to Exdeath? He seems a little...off."

William rolled his eyes, "YOU seem a little off."

Garland shook his head, "I hope this doesn't turn into anything serious..."

Exdeath ran out of the bar.

"You have just tempted fate."

-0-0-0-

The next day...

At a small shop that was littered with strange objects among them, several guns, a drum set and a jukebox.

Tony sat with his feet on top of his desk as he read the newspaper.

The headline of the paper said, "DEMON OUTBREAK!"

"An unknown object has rooted itself in the middle of central park and has began releasing a huge horde of demons...well," he put his feet down, "looks like this town found found itself in a bit of a hell hole."

He lifted his sword and threw it at the door just as a demon kicked it down. Then he pulled out his guns and fired at the ones coming in trough the window.

"Looks like business is gonna be good for a while."

-0-0-0-

Back at the castle...

The blue man look pleased as Arpeggio handed his report, "Good too see you are finally pulling some slack."

"Don't mention," Arpeggio then headed out.

The blue haired man lifted the first page...and his grew wide.

"Something wrong?" the black haired man asked.

"Nothing," the blue haired man then summoned a claymore, "I'm just going to have a talk with that idiot."

He left and moments later a scream of pain was heard.

The black haired man lifted the report, "Whoa! Didn't know he was into these kinds of things."

He flips trough the report as another man, one with thick sideburns, bushy eyebrows, and several dreadlocks, walked in.

The new comer took a peak at the report, "What is that?"

"Mr. Sitar's report."

"Those are nothing but stitched together porn magazines."

"I know. X-face is beating the crud out of him for it."

The new comer rolled his eyes, "Do you really think he did that on purpose?"

"Nope," he tossed the report onto the table, "And now I think I wanna find out."

He stood up and left. Now alone, the newcomer looked at the report in contempt.

"Why do people bother themselves with these?"

He was about to leave, when he noticed the blonde kid walk in.

He looked at the, then at the "report" then back to the kid. He quickly snatched away the report.

"Hey," the kid began, "what's that?"

"Nothing you should be concerned about."

* * *

Reintroducing, Kefka Palazzo!


	14. DHG

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic. Except William. He is my OC.

I have been spending one too may hours at tvtropes lately.

* * *

Chapter 14: Demon Hunter Garland.

"Citizens are advised to stay indoors. The police department are mobilizing to deal with the situation. Help from the army has been requested and is on the way."

The TV then continued to broadcast warnings as the residents of Cosmos residence suited up. The TV then shifted to various shots of the city basically in flames as demons ripped the town apart.

"Okay," Squall opened a map of the city, "We'll split up into teams, we can work more efficiently that way. Me and Rinoa will be the first team, Bartz and Zidane the second, third team is Firion, Tidus and Cecil and fourth team is Luneth, Terra and Cloud. We'll spread out trough the city. Report anything unusual, try to find the source of the demons so it can be eliminated."

He looked up at the gathered Warriors, "Any questions."

"What about Shantotto?" Zidane sheathed his Mage Mashers, "Sure she might a pint sized little b*** but she's still a pretty good fighter."

That seemed to stop Squall, "Well damn...guess I forgot. This is a problem."

"Oh isn't that a bit cruel," Shantotto walked in, "I'll have you know I can all turn you into footstoo-"

Warrior suddenly grabbed Shantotto, opened a window, and threw her into a sea of demons.

"There Squall; problem solved," Warrior headed for the kitchen, "now you'd best be on your ways."

After the kitchen door closed Luneth asked, "What about him? Shouldn't we bring him along?"

Squall sighed, "Do you seriously think he's in a condition to fight?"

Zidane looked at the kitchen door, "Well...maybe not..."

"Look," Squall said firmly, "till we figure out what's wrong with him he's out for the count so we'll have to make do with one member short."

"Well there isn't anything we can do about that," Firion then looked over the map, "but one more man would've been a great help."

"Wish we could get him back to normal," Bartz said to no one in particular, "I'm kinda missing the old Warrior."

"Who honestly doesn't?" Cloud asked, "Unfortunately we can't worry about that now."

"Wait," Terra suddenly thought of something, "should we really leave Warrior alone in his state? Won't he and miss Hiyorimi get in trouble?"

"They'll be just fine," Cloud assured her, "You know that tea that warrior loves so much? Threaten or insult it, or the one that makes it, and kiss your ass goodbye."

"And how do you know this?" Tidus asked.

"Care to explain the pile of demon carcases in the kitchen that, only moments age, had been threatening miss Hiyorimi?"

"...I guess he's taken his obsession with that tea to the next level..."

"Well beyond it," Cloud heaved the Buster Sword, "let's move."

The Warriors then filed out the door.

* * *

Jecht headbutted yet another demon out of his bar.

"And stay out!" he shook his head, "damn these things, thinking they can do whatever they want..."

For quite a while now he's had to deal with a continuous flow of demons that he suspected Exdeath was releasing.

"This is getting annoying. They're starting to slow down business," Jecht muttered as he put on his gauntlet, "guess I'll have to drive them out!"

He picked up his sword and headed for the stairs leading to street level. Before exiting, he turned to the patrons.

"No funny business while I'm out."

He turned to William, who was sitting quietly on the counter, "Got it?"

"Of course," William replied in a unnaturally even and serious voice, "do take care now."

Jecht stopped in his tracks, "uh...you okay?"

"As you can see I'm perfectly fine," William stared into his drink, lost in thought, "now I believe you were in the middle of something?"

"Uh sure...," Jecht started walking again, but then William called out.

"I do have one question though. If things were to get...out of hand, what are your options?"

"Huh? Ah well," Jecht scratched the back of his head, "Don't think its gonna get out of hand anyway. I mean, we're all here plus the Warriors of Cosmos too. Between all of us, nothing can possibly get out of hand."

"But assuming that it did," William pressed, "what are your options?"

"Well if that's the case, then Garland mentioned something about dragging Chaos here to help us out," Jecht looked at him questioningly, "what about it."

"...nothing. Take care now."

"Okay...sure," with that Jecht left.

William leaned back slightly, "Bring Chaos here huh? That's not good for my objectives..."

He stood up, picked up his pistols and sword, "Guess I'll just have to make sure nothing gets out of hand."

-0-0-0-0-

Kuja stepped out of his home and surveyed the endless stream of demons running around.

"This won't do at all!" Kuja shook his head.

He moved his hands left and right, dropping spells into the crowd of demons.

"I can't having you ending my act now can I?"

He floated into the air and spun the magical orbs around him.

"Now then," he smirked as the demons started to advance on him, "I believe it's time I showed you lot the exit."

-0-0-0-0-

Ultimecia stepped over another demon's corpse.

"To think that Exdeath would actually lose control of himself and let this happen."

"Ma'am we have no idea what you're talking about," one of Mateus' guards replied.

Ultimecia threw him a hard look, "I wasn't talking to you."

"It looked like you were ma'am," the guard the lowered his mini gun and continued to spray bullets at the demons.

"Hmph, whatever then," she continued to spray magical arrows at the incoming horde.

She looked around. To her left the one with the mini gun was doing perfectly fine against the incoming waves. To her right the machine gun team was also doing well. Why Mateus' body guards are armed with these weapons she shall never know.

"How's the mayor?" one of the machine gunners asked.

Ultimecia took a quick look at the door behind her, "Perfectly fine I guess."

Since that morning, she and Mateus' bodyguards have been staving off the waves of demons while Mateus sat inside his office researching...something.

"Honestly. What is that man doing in there?"

"He must be making plans for the betterment of out city!"

"That's our may- er I mean emperor for you! Even in crisis all he is concerned about is the betterment of our citizens."

Ultimecia sighed, "Something tells me that is far from the case."

Meanwhile, inside the mayor's office.

Mateus was flipping trough the pages of a book about the constitution. The book was a gift from Kefka because he figured Mateus wouldn't have a copy of it. Well whatever. At least now he had a use for it.

"Hmn...emergency powers...martial law," Mateus smiled to himself, "I believe this would most definitely count as an emergency..."

-0-0-0-0-

Sephiroth, meanwhile, was still taking his sweet time in the shower. Well truth be told he had to; how the hell else is he supposed to maintain that hair of his? After thoroughly cleaning and drying his hair, he stepped out of the bathroom.

Outside, he put on his clothes and opened a large materia box courtsey of Kefka. Sure ever since taking a dip in the lifestream he could cast magic without it, but why let it go to waste? He selected some of his best materia, picked up his sword and then left.

Wondering why he wasn't attacked while he was showering? That's where having 3 remnants and 12 clones who are all insanely loyal to you come in handy.

"Brother!" Kadaj called out the moment he exited his home, "we have kept them at bay as you requested!"

"Good," Sephiroth then assumed a battle stance while the others formed around him, "let's clean this up. Don't want this place to go down the drain right after I found an interesting job."

-0-0-0-0-

Kefka glanced behind him and out the window. Much of the city was in flames at the demon invasion. Yet, here he was at his office because neither his boss nor his clients believed that a simple demon invasion was dangerous enough to warrant a day off.

"Truly there are some strange things about this city," Kefka muttered to himself as he worked on a client's affidavit, "Oh well. I guess that gift I gave to Garland won't go to waste after all."

-0-0-0-0-

Golbez sat in the balcony of his mansion drinking coffee and eating a croissant.

"My this place has certainly gone to hell pretty quickly," Golbez commented and then turned to his visitor, "wouldn't you agree?"

His companion, a red coated bald man with a goatee that all but screamed evil, simply shrugged, "Yes it has. Not that it really concerns us and out business."

The man pulled out a briefcase, which was adored with black-rimmed red chamfered triangle with several protruding spikes enclosing a black curved scorpion tail, and slid it across the table.

"Here it is full payment. Examine it if you please."

Golbez opened the case and examined the contents. Satisfied, he pulled out several documents.

"Here is the information on the city that you requested. Also, the information on those aliens and the location of that strange deposit of this material you call Tiberium."

The man took the documents, examined them, and nodded in satisfaction.

He flashed a smile, "Then I believe this concludes things. Pleasure doing business with you."

"Likewise," Golbez drank from his coffee mug, "oh, and thank you for the automated defense system."

The man nodded and left. Meanwhile at the main gate of the mansion there were several giant scorpion tail shaped obelisks fired big ass lasers and fried pretty much anything that got near the walls. To their sides were turrets that shelled shrapnel at pretty much anything that got in range. The turrets were connected to hubs. Three turrets per hub. Behind the obelisks were more turrets. But these ones fired three missiles each and like the the shrapnel shooting ones there was a hub that connected every three of them. These defenses were scattered throughout the mansions perimeter and they took care of anything and everything hostile.

Golbez watched as his visitor boarded his aircraft and left. Then he wondered.

"Perhaps I should go see how the others are doing."

-0-0-0-0-

Cloud of Darkness quietly stood outside her home. Truth be told, she has absolutely no interest in what is happening. Therefore her only concern is ensuring that those who trespass on her home are given a one way ticket to the void. And apparently, a lot of demons are clambering for a front row seat to that experience.

She sighed as another wave approached her, "What do all these demons want with me I wonder?"

She just shook her head and blasted apart the first demon to cross into her property.

"Well, I have no choice but to treat them equally well."

-0-0-0-0-

At the house Garland shared with the four fiends.

Garland walked down the stairs sword in hand, "I'll be going out. The four of you stay here. Do. Not. Leave. This. House."

"Sure you wanna go out there?" Lich sat on the couch watching the news, "Looks to me like all hell's broken loose."

"And that's exactly why I'm leaving," Garland replied.

"You abandoning us?" Marilith called from the kitchen, "that's not like you."

"Abandoning you? Have you hit your head recently?" Garland pointed out the window, "It's like a giant indiscriminate free for all out there! There's bound to be lots and lots of fighting! And when there's a good fight, you can count me in!"

"Sigh...so in the end," Kraken muttered, "all he wanted was to bash another poor soul's brain in."

"Why of course! There is better joy in life that doing exactly that!"

"Funny," Tiamat commented, "for a second there I thought you were interested in the bounty..."

"What makes you think I'm- there's a bounty?"

"Sure there is," Lich began changing channels, "there was a special announcement saying that the police department and the mayor's office were going to give a reward to any person who slays a demon. You don't know?"

Garland lowered his sword, "No I don't. Tell me more."

"Well," Lich continued, "They said that all you had to do was bring proof that you slayed the demon and the they'd pay you accordingly."

"Well then that's all the more reason for me to take names and kick ass!" Garland shouted cheerfully.

Kraken sighed, "And here I thought you were above such things as greed."

"News flash pal, earning money is basically the only reason we're even here," Garland headed for the door, "Now if you'd excuse me."

He exited the house. Outside, he soundly beat the snot out of demons that were milling around his front yard.

"Hmn...I need to get around the city fast. That way I'll be able to take out more demons," Garland paused and looked around, "where did I put that motorcycle again?"

The only things on his yard were demon corpses,. And now that he thought about it, driving a motorcycle across demon infested streets didn't sound like a good idea. But then again, it's not like he had some alternate means of transportation.

"Hey Kraken!" Garland called out, "where'd you park my bike again?"

"It's in the garage!" Kraken shouted back, "By the way, there's a letter pinned on the garage door for you!"

"Who is it from!"

"Some guy named Kefka Palazzo. I think he also left something in the garage for you."

Garland stopped in his tracks. If this was the old Kefka, he would expect a dark behemoth or something. But this new Kefka? He doesn't know what to expect. He approached the garage door carefully and removed the letter. He examined it care fully before opening it and found that is was very, very, _very, _long.

Garland, not being one to like reading, skipped straight to the last paragraph which said, "I'll assume you just skipped the main body of the letter containing all of the specifics since that is so very much like you. In any case, the gift I mentioned is in your garage. I do hope you like it since it goes well with your war like nature."

"A gift that goes well with my war like nature?" Garland repeated as he opened the garage door, "What could possibly be-"

Garland's jaw dropped. Inside his garage was a HUGE _**tank**_. He moved his gaze back to the letter and read the specks out loud.

"Dual 150-mm cannons equipped with railgun accelerators. Two 4.75-inch twin missile pods. Two .50 caliber anti-infantry machine guns. An H-shaped chassis with thick hexagonal armor. A quad drive tread system..."

Garland ignored everything else in the letter. All that mattered to him was that there was a tank with his name on it...well not exactly, but hey! It had the Stigma of Chaos painted all over it along with a black and red paint job.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Garland entered the garage and walked around the tank, "very nice Kefka!"

"Hey! You got yourself a tank!"

Garland slowly turned around and saw Kraken standing at the door, "Didn't I tell you to not leave the house?"

"Well you did," Kraken continued to gaze at the tank, "but I was wondering what that strange little lawyer was putting into your garage."

Garland entered the turret, "You do know what's going to happen to you now?"

"You're about to test fire the tank's cannons at me?"

"Good idea. Let's stick with that."

"Oh cra-"

A loud BANG was heard and Kraken was blown all over the place.

"I'll be back later!" Garland drove the tank out of the garage, over pieces of Kraken's body and then started flattening demons.

After the tank was out of sight, Lich stepped out of the house, "Why do you actively pursue things that can only end with you pain?"

"Don't know," Kraken slowly began to piece himself together, "it's just that I'm a naturally curious person."

Lich rolled his eyes and headed back inside, "Well whatever. Put yourself together and hurry up back inside."

-0-0-0-0-

Back in the castle where Arpeggio stayed.

The light blue haired man, or as Arpeggio liked to call him, X-face, now gave orders to two people.

One of them was the black haired man with an eye patch. The other was a young blonde boy.

"There has been a sudden outbreak in the city was explored yesterday," X-face was saying, "Details are scarce, but it suggests that a large number of heartless have suddenly invaded. You mission is to vanquish them and investigate the matter."

With that, he left the room. The blonde boy then commented, "Eliminate heartless while doing recon? That's a first."

The man laughed, "Well sure it's a little strange. But that's what they want us to do right?"

He moved his hand and a black portal opened in front of them, "Let's go tiger."

They entered the portal and left.

* * *

Back in the aforementioned town.

Tony waltzed around town showing off those impressive moves of his and taking down nearly everything he ran into that wasn't human. While he was shooting and stabbing another crowd or two of demons, he heard a familiar voice call out.

"Hey Tony! DODGE!"

Tony jumped to the left, just in time too. Seconds later the spot he was standing on and the area around it got blasted to bits by what he can only presume to be a huge cannon. He turned to the source and saw a huge tank slowly driving its way towards him. He raised his pistols and was about to start shooting when a hatch popped open and Garland emerged.

"Hey there Tony. Need a lift?"

"Uh...sure," Tony examined the tank, "where'd you get that?"

"What this?" Garland patted the tank's hull, "a gift from Kefka."

"You mean that lawyer?"

"Yeah, him."

"Damn," Tony sat behind one of the machine guns, "that's one hell of a friend you got there"

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that," Garland started the tank forward again.

"By the way," Tony asked while accurately spraying bullets into the streets, "where are you going?"

"I figured that the best way to solve this invasion problem would be to head over to central park and beat the snot out of Exdeath. Seeing that he's the source of these demons."

"Okay," Tony continued to gun down more demons, "why'd you pick me up?"

Garland shrugged, "Decided it'll probably better if I went with a team of sorts."

"Count me in then. So, we going to the park already?"

"Nope," Garland made a right turn, "gotta pick up a few more people."

-0-0-0-0-

Soon they arrived near the city's main bank. Garland opened the hatch and took a look around and spotted his target.

"Hey, Bartz! Could you come over here for a second?"

Bartz, understandably, approached him cautiously, "Something I can help you with Garland?"

"Actually yes," Garland pointed in the general direction of central park, "long story short, Exdeath went nuts and releasing these demons. Since you've fought him before I want you to give us a hand in putting him down."

Bartz recoiled, "Exdeath? Nuts? How the hell did that happen?"

"Trust me, it's best for your sanity if we don't tell you," Garland extended a hand, "so you coming or what?"

Bartz scratched the back of his neck, "Well I guess I could go."

"What about me!" Zidane demanded.

"What about you?" Garland sneered.

"Well we can't just leave him alone," Bartz countered.

"Sure we can!"

"Could you hurry it up?" Tony called from behind a machine gun, "No, I am not being overwhelmed by the number of demons. But I think my pizza's probably getting cold!"

"How about this," Zidane suggested, "I'll tag along till we find some of the other groups. Then I'll stay with them. How's that?"

"Fine," Garland grunted as he gunned the engine, "hop on."

Zidane jumped inside and seated himself at the gunner's seat while Bartz sat on the commander's seat.

"Just one more guy," Garland said as he drove away from the area.

Meanwhile, unknown to Garland, the two that just departed from castle stood in an alley listening in on the.

"Well," the black haired man leaned to get a better look, "what d'ya make of it?"

"Hmn...seems like they're about to go and try to stop this infestation," the Blonde kid replied, "but from what we've seen, these don't look like heartless."

"Right." the man stepped out and started shooting with his Arrowguns, "so if we want to find out exactly what's going on,"

"Our best bet would be to follow them,"the kid finished.

"Yup," the man started towards the direction Garland had driven to, "let's go."

-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, Garland, completely oblivious to the fact that he was being stalked, drove on to collect the final member of his makeshift team...

"There he is!" Garland announced, then he frowned, "who is that girl with him!"

Bartz looked at the screen in front of him, "Hey that's Squall!"

"I know!" Garland called back, "but what I want to know is why there's a girl fighting along side him! And what exactly is that girl saying that makes him smile!"

"Girl? Oh you mean Rinoa, his girlfriend," Zidane answered.

Garland suddenly hit the brakes, "He has a girlfriend!"

"Surprised? We were too."

"Wonder if this had anything to do with what happened to Exdeath," Garland muttered as he got out of the tank.

When Squall saw him coming, the usual frown reappeared on his face, "Well, well. What brings you here Garland?"

"Long story short, I need you as cannon fodde- I mean as backup to take down the source of these things."

Squall was silent for a moment, apparently knowing what Garland actually intended to say. Then he asked, "So you know where these things are coming from?"

"Yes. But I'll only tell you if agree to help me out."

Squall crossed his arms, "Sorry but it's not like-"

"I'll leave that idiot monkey with her. You won't have to worry," Garland jerked a thumb at the tank.

"Hey! who are you calling an idiot!" Zidane thundered while Bartz waved at them and Tony walked into a nearby pizza parlor.

"Hell no!" Squall immediately answered back, "I am not leaving her with Zidane!"

"Zidane?" Rinoa walked by, brushing some dirt off her shoulders, "you mean the small blonde boy. What's wrong with him?"

"He has a habit of hitting on everything that's human and isn't male."

"So? I don't really mind. Or are you just paranoid?"

"I am not paranoid. And it is not okay with me."

"Knock it off!" Garland suddenly interrupted, "How about I find another person to stick to them so I can relieve that paranoia of yours Squall?"

"That'll do. And oh," Squall added, "I am not paranoid."

"Keep telling yourself that," Garland and Rinoa said almost simultaneously.

"So anyone is fine with you right?" Garland asked.

"Yes. As long as she is not alone with _him_," Squall replied while Rinoa giggled and Zidane frowned behind him.

"Now all we need is somebody we know," Garland mussed.

As if on cue, a building blew up and Kuja walked out saying, "Truly despicable things. Please disappear from my sight."

He turned and noticed them, "Well, well. Why have all you little birds flocked here?"

Squall frowned while Garland smiled broadly.

"He'll do. Won't he?"

"Of course not!"

"But you said 'anyone' right? And he definitely counts as anyone."

Squall looked like he was ready to argue some more but Rinoa put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's alright Squall. I'll be just fine. Now you go along and get this done with okay?"

"But-"

Rinoa tightened her grip, "Don't. Worry. Okay?"

"O-okay...," Squall nervously replied.

"Good!" Garland grabbed Zidane and pulled him out of the tank, "this is your stop pal."

"Hey Kuja!" Garland shouted, "I need you to do me a favor!"

"What sort of favor would that be?" Kuja asked as he walked over.

Garland lifted Zidane, who was struggling against his grip, "I need you to babysit this guy over here."

Kuja stopped, then sneered, "Aw...isn't that cute. What, did you do something rather irresponsible again?"

"At least I'm not as irresponsible as you are," Zidane sneered back, "And at least I have a proper sense in clothing."

"This is my personal taste. I fail to comprehend why you cannot see the beauty of it."

The two genomes continued to argue and bicker while Rinoa couldn't help but laugh.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Squall murmured after a while.

"Relax! They're getting along just fine! Ain't that right Tony!"

Tony, who had just emerged from the pizza parlor, raised an eyebrow, "Yeah sure whatever. We going or what?"

"See," Garland started for his tank, "he agrees. So it should be just fine."

"He didn't even know what we were talking about!"

"Doesn't really matter," Garland grabbed Squall by the back of his collar, "what matters is that we finally get this gig over with."

He threw the reluctant SeeD commander into the open hatch, "Bartz! Start driving!"

"Aye! Aye!"

As the tank drove away, the unlikely trio headed in the other direction. As soon as everybody was out of sight, the two stalkers showed up.

"Well," the black haired man began, "talk about a rag-tag bunch of misfits."

"You think they could defeat the thing in the park?"

"Maybe, maybe not," the man replied with a shrug, "not my problem."

The blonde kid started towards the direction the tank left, "I guess we should follow."

The man suddenly pulled him backwards.

"Hey! What gives Zig-!"

Suddenly the spot he was about to step on to was blow to pieces. He turned to the direction Zig was looking at and saw a ten foot tall demon whose right arm had been replaced with a rather large gun. (read: BFS) It looked rather disappointed that it had missed.

"Watch yourself now Rox-" Zig paused, "the heck?"

The demon had raised its left, still human shaped, hand and balled it into a fist. Then it raised its middle finger and pointed it in their direction.

Rox was confused while Zig laughed, "Ain't that cute! He's got a sense of humor!"

"Hey Zig," Rox imitated the gesture and pointed it at Zig, "what does this mean?"

Zig was silently dumbfounded for a moment. Then he smiled and closed Rox's hand, "That Rox, is a bad and insulting gesture you only use on people you don't like."

"Oh. Okay. In that case then," Rox turned to the demon and gave him his newly learned gesture.

The demon's jaw dropped while Zig laughed, "Now that's using the old noggin! Come on," he reloaded his guns, "let's clean this up."

"But we won't be able to follow them anymore if we do."

"No problem. We already have all the info we need."

Rox nodded and summoned his weapon...a giant...key thing.

"Roger."

Truuuut. New Breakthrough!

* * *

To the park!

The 'team' made their way, on foot, across the park. The trees had become gnarled, twisted, and rotten. The grass was a very unhealthy shade of black and the sky was a mixture of rust and red.

"What happened here?" Bartz wondered out loud.

"Who knows. More importantly, who cares," Garland turned left at a fork, "A ha! My Final Boss senses are tingling!"

Tony stopped, "The heck is that?"

"I have no frickin' idea! I just know they're tingling."

"Could somebody please get this guy to shut up!"

They turned to look at a very frustrated Squall. About five minutes after they got here, a demon showed up behind Squall. He tried to kill it, but it proved to be too agile for him to handle (go figure). Finally getting tired, Squall decided to just leave it alone. And, then in attempt to once again obtain Squall's attention, it started shouting in an annoying, high pitched, nasally voice...

"FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!"

"Just bear with it Leonhart," Garland said for the nth time.

"You try not being annoyed by that!" Squall swung his Revolver it. But once again it nimbly dogged.

"Oh fine fine," Garland turned to help out Squall while Tony and Bartz kept going.

He smashed the ground behind Squall and erected a huge, slippery stone wall, "There ain't no way in hell that thing can climb this."

Of course it couldn't. So in response, it just raised its voice.

"**FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!**"

"Grr, let's go!" Squall briskly walked in Tony and Bartz's direction, "The sooner we get away from here the sooner we can find some quietude."

20 minutes and almost one kilometer later.

"FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!"

"Oh what the hell!"

Garland turned around and shouted, "Just how far away do we have to get from your stupid ass you we won't here you anymore!"

The reply was predictable and went somewhere along the lines of, "FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!FAGGOT!"

"This makes me want to beat the snot out of Exdeath even more," Garland whispered trough a clenched jaw.

"You mean him?" Tony pointed to a barely visible silhouette in the horizon.

"Hey!" Bartz squinted, "that kinda looks like NeoExdeath!"

"Good. So all we have to do is finish him off and this'll all be over," Squall shouted over the cries of "FAGGOT!"

Garland turned around, "But looks like we have to wade trough them first."

Tony, Squall, and Bartz lowered their gaze. Standing in front of them where millions of minor demons.

Tony smirked and pulled out his pistols, "This just keeps getting better and better!"

Bartz shifted trough a few weapons before settling on Tidus' and Warrior's swords. Squall swung his gunblade and shouldered it while Garland put his sword behind him and held it with both hands.

The two sides stared at each other for a moment. Suddenly a booming voice shouted.

"Million Mook March!"

At witch the 'heroes' responded, "What the hell?"

-0-0-0-0-

After about two hours or so of slaughtering demon 'Mooks' as the voice called them, they arrived at the base of whatever the hell that silhouette was.

The bottom 25 feet of the thing was all tree like while the upper 25 feet...

"Well what d'ya know," Bartz looked up, "It is NeoExdeath..."

"Heck is he supposed to be?" Tony wondered.

"A tree that had so many evil souls seal inside it that it eventually became sentient. And evil, very evil."

"Hot damn."

"We need a plan," Squall examined the target, "OK. I'll circle around and attack from behind. Tony you pepper it from the left. Bartz you from the right. Garland-?"

Garland suddenly dashed ahead of them waving his sword around, "_All right chums, let's do this thing! _**LEEROOOOOOY! JEEEENKIIIINSS!**"

They watched in utter shock as Garland began smacking the lower parts of the enemy.

"Oh my god he just charged in," Bartz's jaw was hanging open.

Squall followed, "OK fine. Everybody just stick to the plan!"

"Plan?" Garland turned around, "What plan!"

"Exactly," Tony remarked with a smile as he jumped up and lifted his sword to NeoExdeath's face...only to be slammed to the ground moments later. Soon afterwards, Garland was also thrown back.

"You okay guys?" Bartz helped Tony up.

"This is exactly why we need a plan!" Squall thundered at Garland.

"What? It's how I usually do things."

"Hey guys," Bartz backed away a little, "I think you woke him up..."

They panned up and saw the upper half's eyes opening and gazing down upon them. The body moved to raise itself higher and it looked down at them with nothing more than contempt.

"Is it just me. Or do I get the feeling he's sneering at us?" Garland wondered out loud.

"You aren't the only one," Tony pulled out his sword, "shall we get it on?"

Exdeath then said, "And the heroes have assembled."

Nothing wrong there. They were about to begin their free for all strike on his body when...

"The five, well four, man band has assembled. And what a Ragtag Bunch Of Misfits they are!"

"The heck is he talking about?" Tony turned to Garland.

"The Hero!" Exdeath pointed to Bartz.

"Huh?"

"The Antihero!" he then pointed to Garland.

"I was never a hero to begin with you know?"

"The Stoic!" pointing to Squall.

"...Okay, what is up with him?"

"And finally! The Cameo!"

"Hey," Tony barked back, "since when have I been a cameo?"

"And now! You shall face me!" one of his arms pointed to himself, "The extremely hammy Big Bad who commands the legions of Mooks you just waded trough and turned this land into a type 1(fantasy) version of Mordor!"

They stared at him blankly.

"And since you managed to fight your way trough the The Very Definitely Final Dungeon, its time for the Final Boss fight with the Big Bad, that is to say, ME! And no I am not a not a Load Bearing Boss because there is no load to bear, nor am I an Anticlimax Boss and I do not have a One Winged Angel form since this is, technically, already my One winged Angel form."

"I've heard him spout nonsense before but this is ridiculous!" Bartz said in awe.

"Well skipping the pointless chatter, lets get the Crowning Music of Awesome playing!"

Out of nowhere some music strange sort of music began to play.

"Now that the mood has been set straight," one of Exdeath's arms pulled out a sword the size of _Chaos'_, "Eat my Infinity Plus One Sword! Which also doubles as a BF fucking S! which falls under the Department Of Redundancy Department! Because BFS means Big Fucking Sword. So I basically said Big Fucking _Fucking _Sword! Go figure! Now DIE!"

Bartz and Squall ducked left and right while Tony and Garland stayed put as the sword crashed right at them.

"Wonder if they're going to pull off a Nonchalant Dodge on me?" Exdeath tilted his head as the dust cleared, "Aha! So it was a Bare Handed Blade Block."

"Look Exdeath,"Garland was holding the sharp side of Exdeath's sword with his left hand, "we have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Because you are not Genre Savvy! And frankly, neither am I!"

"I don't think that's something to be proud about," Tony pointed out.

"Shut up Cameo! You're nothing but a Cameo! -Pause- I just broke the fourth wall! Huraaah!"

"Oh screw this," Garland then yanked the sword out of Exdeath's grip and broke it in half.

"Big Noooooooooooooooo! My Infinity Plus One Sword! No matter! I shall just counter you...with my Frickin Laser Beams and a Macross Missile Massacre!"

And as promised, lasers descended at them from almost every imaginable angle followed by a rain of projectiles. Ridiculously enough, it appeared as though the laser and projectiles were steering themselves to home in on them.

"The heck is this!" Bartz ducked into a trench as the lasers darted towards him.

"You know," Tony said as he dodged/gunned down projectiles and avoided lasers, "I think that friend of yours has gone _waaaay_ over the deep end."

"Obviously," Garland dryly replied as he swung his sword to block incoming attacks, "may have had something to do with Kefka coming back sane from the asylum."

"Isn't that what asylums were supposed to do?"

"Not to Kefka. Insanity is what defines his character."

"Basically you are saying insanity is his Hat!" Exdeath interrupted, "And while you're busy dodging, I shall unleash my Dragon upon you! Since my usual Punch Clock Villain/Dragon Gilgamesh is not around, I shall summon a Replacement Scrappy!"

He lifted his left arm and out came...a bowl of ramen!

"Oh sorry," Exdeath pulled back the bowl, "that was my Trademark Favorite Food, _this_ is my Dragoon! Which doubles as an Eldritch Abomination composed entirely of Combat Tentacles!...And two eyeballs!"

I'll figuring out what in hell's name that thing is supposed to look like to you. Anyway, it emerged from Exdeath's roots and soon managed to grab Bartz.

"Did I mention that the Combat Tentacles double as...Naughty Tentacles!"

"Oh my God! One of the tentacles is trying to force its way up my-!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP BARTZ!" Garland shouted as he used Chain Bump to free Bartz, "WHATEVER IT WAS, WE. DO. **NOT**. NEED TO KNOW."

Bartz landed heavily, "Sure," he gasped, then he assumed another fighting pose, "you are gonna pay for that Mr. Dragon."

"Actually I'm a woman," the mass of tentacles corrected, "Why else you I try to ra-"

Tony flew down and imbedded his sword in its face, "Ya know you should _really_ shut up."

Garland then began to cut its lower body into itsy bitsy little pieces while Bartz began to behead the damn thing.

"Hey wait second," Garland looked around, "where's Squall?"

-0-0-0-0-

On Exdeath's expansive back.

Squall quietly made his way towards Exdeath's head with the intent of killing him.

Suddenly he heard something behind him.

"Pssst."

Squall turned around. No one there. He turned around and continued but he heard it again this time he chose to ignore. But the more and more he walked, the louder and louder the sound was. Finally getting fed up he turned around and pointed his Gunblade.

In front of him was a humanoid shaped thing that emerged from Exdeath's back.

"What...are you?" Squall moved his blade closer.

The figure opened its mouth and then...

"TAKE A LOOK THAT STOVE!"

Squall recoiled in surprise. But eventually overcame and cut the damn thing in half.

"No more of that please."

Two more suddenly grew in front of him, "OH WHAT A STOVE!"

Squall rolled his eyes, "Oh hell no." and cut them down to.

Before he could even turn around, four more appeared and continued singing, "TAKE A LOOK AT THAT STOVE!"

Squall was now rather frustrated and began hacking them down. Only to have double the number spawn. Not to mention that they continued to sing too.

"STOVE STOVE STOVE! TAKE A LOOK AT THAT STOVE! OH WHAT A STOVE! TAKE A LOOK AT THAT STOVE! AT SEARS! IT'S A STOVE!"

They all pointed behind him.

Squall, obviously getting tired of a this, just turned to leave. And behind him was...

"Hey what d'ya know...there is a stove...wonder what it's- YEOUCH!"

Squall collapsed into a writhing mass as the stove had suddenly grown a large pointy boot and hit Squall in his...er...sensitive bits. The stove then stood up and proceeded to stomp Squall in the exact same place. His cries of pain were masked by the continuous singing of the demons.

"!"

-0-0-0-0-

"Found Squall yet?" Bartz asked as he continued to cut of Exdeath's limbs.

"Nope," Garland replied while crushing one of Exdeath's faces, "what about you Tony?"

"Haven't found him yet," Tony dodged more aerial attacks while peppering Exdeath with bullets, "but I've been hearing this annoying song for a while. Wonder where it's coming fro- hey guys I think I found that Squall fellow."

"Where?"

"This thing's back. Looks like he was trying to sneak up on it."

"How is he?" Bartz asked.

"Getting his balls crushed by something that vaguely resembles a stove."

Bartz stopped, "What!"

"Seriously!" Garland asked, "That is beyond funny!"

"Possibly a Crowning Moment of Funny!" Exdeath interjected.

Tony pulled out a briefcase, which turned into a quad-rocket launcher, "Shut up pal."

"Ooooh! More Dakka!"

While Exdeath was having his face remodeled, Bartz ran up his back with Garland.

"Hyaaa!" Bartz cut the one of the stove monster's arms off while Garland decapitated it.

"You okay Squall?" Bartz leaned over.

"What. Do. You. Think?" Squall gasped.

Bartz shook his head as Garland picked Squall up and heaved him over his shoulder, "Time to go."

They jumped away just a a large sphere appeared over the area they were standing on. Seconds later the sphere imploded.

"Almagest!" Exdeath thundered, "I am Calling Out My Attacks!"

"Grand Cross!" there was a huge cross shaped explosion in front of him that they had slight difficulty dodging.

"FIRE!" A small fireball popped out and started to drop towards them.

Garland looked at it in disbelief. He took a deep breath, blew at it and the miniscule fireball disappeared.

"The heck was that!" Tony demanded, "You use two perfectly powerful attacks then a weak ass spell!"

"Arson, Murder, and JAYWALKING!"

Bartz sighed in frustration, "Oh screw this. Garland, Tony cover me."

Garland raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

"I'm going to shut this retarded prick up."

Garland smirked, "By all means."

"That's rather Out Of Character for you," Exdeath pointed out moments before being pelted with attacks from Tony and Garland.

"You pesky little bugs! Eat this!" Exdeath unleashed another Macross Missile Massacre, "now where did Bartz go I wonder?"

"Over here!" a voice from above called out.

Exdeath looked up and saw Bartz coming at him holding the Brave Blade _and _the Chicken Knife.

"Spellblade-Dual Wield-Rapid Fire!"

"Big Noooooooooo! The Game Breaker skill and the two Infinity Plus One Swords! This cannot be! No matter! I shall still fight! Let us settle this with a Single Stroke Battle!"

Exdeath raised his hand to try and claw Bartz out of the sky while the mime dove down. They were moments away from contact and the decisive blow...

-0-0-0-0-

Back outside the bar.

A huge flash of light was seen coming from central park.

"The heck was that!" Jecht had one foot on a demons chest and had run his sword trough its head.

"...Looks like Garland team succeeded in their goal..."

Jecht turned to his companion, "Goal?"

"Eliminating these demons at their source. That is to say, NeoExdeath."

Jecht crossed his arms, "And how exactly do you know that...William?"

"Well," William sheeted his sword and put away his gun, "I have my sources. Which are just as good as Golbez's. Now believe that solves all our problems. I will be at the bar if you need me."

"Sure you will. But would you first mind explaining that to me?"

"Explaining what, exactly?"

"That," Jecht pointed to humongous number of corpses behind William, "Here I was thinking you were an average Joe, then you go waltzing out here and prove that you have enough combat ability to match us Warriors."

William shrugged, "Nothing much really. Besides, the explanation wouldn't interest nor concern you...for now at least."

"I take it your planning something?"

"...I'll just say that the plan is already well in motion and whether you like it or not, you are playing a part of it. What it is exactly, is not important to you."

"For now."

"...For now. It will all eventually come to light. Now if you'd excuse me," William headed for the stairs but stopped on the top step, "By the way, could you do me a favor?"

"Tch Okay. Maybe one favor for helping me with these demons. But next time you're going to have to answer a few questions."

"Fair enough. I would like you to keep what you saw to yourself."

"Doesn't fit in with whatever you're planning?"

"...yes. Do I have your word?"

"I already gave it."

William smirked, not the usual happy/funny/crazy smirk, but one that showed quite some contempt, "Good."

* * *

The next day at the bar.

"Okay," William said in his usual annoying voice, "so Bartz was coming down ready to cut Exdeath in half and Exdeath was preparing his own attack...what happened?"

"Well another arm appeared out of nowhere and slapped Bartz into the ground," Tony recalled while having a drink, "I think Exdeath called it an Offhand Backhand. It broke his legs didn't it?"

"Yeah it did," Garland replied.

"Okay," William leaned backwards.

Jecht shook his head, "Poor sucker. So what'd you do?"

"Well I distracted him while Garland over prepped something."

"And what exactly was that?" Jecht poured himself another drink.

"I contorted Bartz into a spear and then threw him at Exdeath," Garland took a swing, "I think that landed him in the hospital but what the hell. At that demon outbreak was taken care of."

"Point taken," William replied leaning back, "well, at least that's over with."

"Cheers!" Garland lifted his glass.

William sipped his drink while silently watching Jecht, _"Hmn...looks like he's keeping his lips shut as promised. Guess I won't have to alter his memories after all."_

Jecht also drank while quietly thinking, _"Something's fishy about that guy alright...maybe I'll have Golbez take a look into it."_

Shrugging, Tony picked up the newspaper then paused, "What the heck!"

Garland turned his head over, "Something wrong?"

"The mayor...he just declared Martial Law!"

The people in the bar chorused, "WHAT!"

* * *

If you to find out what that stove song up there sounds like, go to this URL: .com/watch?v=LcrDP5Y1MIk&feature=related

The underlined words are tropes. If you are curious, visit .


	15. Mateus the Tyrant

Disclaimer: I still do not own Dissidia nor do I own any of the cameos.

* * *

Chapter 15: Mateus the Tyrant.

"Due to the recent demon invasion," an annoyingly smug looking Mateus was saying on TV, "I am abusi- er I mean, _utilizing,_ my emergency powers and am declaring Martial Law to ensure a continuing state of-BAM!"

Jecht smashed the TV with his broadsword, "Screw that guy. Using those demons as an excuse to declare Martial Law."

"But...this is not right," Kefka flipped through the pages of a law book, "according to the law, only a governor or the head of state can declare Martial Law."

"Your point being?" Jecht pulled the TV down, "you might want to remember the fact that he doesn't consider himself to be a mere mayor."

"But even so! This is a clear violation of this country's laws!" Kefka then made a gesture at the bar folks, "And yet why are these people reacting with nothing more than annoyance!"

Jecht grinned as he looked at his watched his patrons. True, they really didn't seem to care about the predicament they were in.

"Bla bla bla! what ever mayor!" one patron was shouting, "Could you hurry it up! We're missing our program!"

"Heh, heh. Well they _do _seem to be taking it rather lightly."

"That's probably because they're all idiots," William commented.

"That can't be the case," Kefka argued, "there are several scientists here!"

They turned their attention to group of lab coat wearing men who sat to one side.

One of them put down his mug, "Yes, yes Mr. Mateus we get the point you want to declare Martial Law so you can abuse your powers a little more. Now could you please hurry up and declare the law already! We are about to miss our mentally rewarding program!"

Mateus' declaration ended and the regularly scheduled program went back on...a comedy sitcom.

While the bar drowned in laughter, Kefka looked crushed.

"Now," William leaned back on his chair, "I believe you were saying something about them not being idiots?"

Kefka glanced at him, then sat down in defeat. Jecht slid him a drink.

"Don't worry about it too much. We'll just have to see how this thing turns out."

* * *

"Royal" Decree no. 1: Everybody must _worship _the Emperor(bleh!).

Garland stood in the middle of the very same park he had expunged Exdeath from a few days ago. Now however, he found himself looking at a sight that was, without a doubt, several time worse than Neo-Exdeath and his creepy minions.

It was a three story statue of the man himself wearing robes.

And in accordance to Mateus' decree no. 1, people had to come here and _worship _the damn thing at least _once a day_..._at least_.

It was for that reason that Garland was here...except he wasn't here to worship that stupid statue. The law was implemented about two days ago and since the punishment was rather harsh, everyone who couldn't stand up to Mateus' demon warriors had to go. Surprisingly though, there were still quite some people who could handle the demon warriors without much trouble that weren't Warriors of Chaos or Cosmos.

Well that really didn't matter to Garland. He was here to end this blatant stupidity.

"You, halt there!" one of the demon guards shouted, "identify yourself!"

Garland turned to them, "Just your average citizen paying his respects."

The guards looked at each other. Then the one who had spoken to him grunted, "Okay. Move along."

Garland stepped past more guards and people until he finally reached the base of the statue.

"Seriously, talk about an ego trip," Garland muttered as he examined the statue, "Wonder how he got this built in less than a day."

"He probably has a few of them stashed somewhere methinks," a familiar voice replied.

"Why am I not surprised," Garland turned his head, "here to worship the almighty emperor, William?"

William laughed, "What makes you think I'm worshiping that arrogant douche bag? I'm just here to see how many idiots actually go through with it."

"I don't think most of them have a choice really. Unless you can take on Mateus' demon hordes, attendance is compulsory."

William laughed again, "Yeah I guess."

They stood in silence for a moment. Then Garland wondered, "I remember seeing another statue here...what'd he do with it?"

"You mean the statue of the knight and rebel who, if legends are to be believed, founded this city somewhere in the 12th century?" William clarified, "the f-ing bastard had it demolished."

William snapped his fingers and looked genuinely displeased, "Just like that. Moron doesn't even respect valuable historical artifacts..."

Garland raised an eyebrow, "Well isn't this strange. Never thought you could actually care about...anything really. Let alone some rusty statue."

"That..'rusty statue' happens to be several hundred years old and is the city's only surviving record of its founders," he growled, "try to have a little more respect about those kind of things."

Garland was slightly taken aback, "...uh...okay..."

"Well...let's just hope they can fix it or replace it," William then glanced at his watch, "Well gotta run."

He turned and started walking, but paused.

"If you're planning on destroying that monstrosity," he motioned to the statue, "then by all means do so. Try not to get anyone but the demons killed though or you'll be hearing from me."

Garland grunted at the threat, "Since when did you care?"

William laughed again, "For quite a while actually." Then he turned and left.

Garland watched him walk away for a moment.

"He's been acting a little suspicious lately. Well that can wait for another time," he said to himself, "Right now I have to take of this blasted thing."

Garland cracked his knuckles and assumed a pose, "Now for the mandatory one liner."

"WORSHIP THIS D**KHEAD!"

-0-0-0-0-0-

In the news later that night.

"The mayo- er I mean, _Emperor's_ statue in central park was demolished this morning by a lone individual. Reports say that it was superpowered hobo. Conflicting reports indicate that it was none other than the local police office folk hero officer Garland. In any case, the mayor has announced that a replacement-"

Firion turned off the TV and glanced into the kitchen. Warrior was still there doing basically nothing.

Cloud walked in and glanced at his watch, "When is she arriving? The sooner she gets here the sooner we can get the old Warrior back."

"And the soon I can send that bastard back to hell," Firion looked out the window towards city hall.

"And the sooner we can get Squall patched up and have him stop whining," Luneth added.

The two men looked at him in silence for a moment. Then Cloud said, "Yeah...that too..."

After almost an hour and still no sign of their...guest.

"What's taking her so long!" Cloud shouted.

"I don't know. Maybe the traffic?" Luneth said helpfully.

"There's Martial Law. There's a restriction to vehicular travel and a curfew," Firion informed. Then it dawned on him, "That's it!"

"That's what?" they echoed.

"His other proclamation!"

* * *

"Royal" Decree no. 2: All travel in and out of the city will be heavily restricted and all travelers must present identification.

At the city limits.

A certain White Mage was slowly, but steadily, getting frustrated at the delays.

"Excuse me," she said to the demon examining her inter-dimensional passport, "could we please hurry this up?"

The demon looked at her blankly, "Apologies. But everything must processed as painfully slow as possible. Emperor's orders."

"Now I truly believe that your mayor is a serious douche bag."

"Most of us feel that way ma'am."

After a few more annoying minutes, White Mage finally got tired and wandered off. While admiring the scenery, she accidentally bumped into someone.

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"No problem," the black haired woman helped her up.

White Mage took a good look at her. She wore a white tank top under a black zip-up vest with black shorts. Also she had um..._considerable_ assets.

"Hello there," White Mage attempted at conversation, "What brings you here?"

"Me? I'm here to visit a friend," the girl replied, "What about you?"

"Same, what's your name?"

"Tifa. Tifa Lockhart. Yours?"

"White Mage."

Tifa paused, "Uh...I meant your name not your job."

"That is my name," White Mage replied, "that's what others call me since I don't have an actual name."

"Weird," Tifa then grinned, "sounds just like my friend's friend."

"...who is this friend you're going to visit?"

"Me? Cloud Strife. Warrior of Cosmos. He said they were having a vacation here."

White Mage smiled, "What a coincidence. The friend I'm visiting is also a Warrior of Cosmos."

"Really? What's his name?"

"Warrior of Light. He wrote to me about Cloud once."

Tifa grinned, "Well what does he have to say about my boyfriend?"

"You're Cloud's girlfriend? Heh. Warrior never imagined him to have one. Said he looked far too angsty to have one."

"Is he still being angsty?"

"According to Warrior? Yes," White Mage replied, "Anyway, did your boyfriend have anything to say about min- er I mean, Warrior?"

Tifa raised an eyebrow, "Well all he had to say about the Warrior was that he was as stoic as a rock."

White Mage sighed, "He's still like that? Wish he could hurry up and find some emotions. The rest of us, bar Black Mage, already have."

-0-0-0-0-

In Cornelia.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Please stop that!" Thief shouted at his companion, "What's the occasion anyway?"

"I believe I have found an emotion, my dear friend," Black Mage responded.

"Really?" Monk leaned forward, "which one is it?"

Black Mage turned to the monkeys that had stolen his lunch, "Hate..."

"Oh boy," Thief muttered as Black Mage began to..._liberate_ his lunch.

-0-0-0-0-

"How long is this gonna take?" Tifa stomped her feet in frustration.

"I've been here for half a day," White Mage replied, "I think they're just trying to piss us off."

Tifa smacked her fists together, "Then I guess we'll just have to convince them to let us in."

White Mage smiled broadly and pulled out her hammers, "Tifa, I like the way you think."

The two girls then proceeded to..."convince" the guards to let them past.

Meanwhile in a small booth. One of the asylum staff watched the unfolding events.

He reached for his phone, "The master would surely like to hear about this."

-0-0-0-0-

The doorbell rang at the Warrior of Cosmos' residence.

"Finally!" Cloud ran over to answer the door.

"What kept yo-" Cloud reeled at the sight, "T-Tifa!"

"Cloud," Tifa replied with a smile, "how are you doing?"

"Wha-? Me? Fine I guess," Cloud scratched the back of his head, "What brings you here?"

"Just dropping by to check on you. Is something wrong with that?"

"Well nothing I guess."

"Hey Cloud who's the chick!" Zidane called out.

"Hands off pal!"

"Whoa," Bartz gasped, "then you also have a girlfriend Cloud? Damn. Then I guess that means you're not gay..."

There was the audible sound of something snapping.

Cloud began to reach behind his back, "What. Was. That?"

"Uh...nothing really," Bartz began to back away, "just a little something me and Zidane were suspecting..."

"Hey! Don't drag me into your dumb ideas!"

"What! It was your idea to begin with!"

"Cloud he's lying! He's lying!" Zidane also began to back away, "I never had anything to do with that! If you're going to kill anyone kill him!"

Tifa placed her hand on Cloud's shoulder, "Now now Cloud calm down...we'll deal with them later. Right now you have another guest."

"Huh?" Cloud turned back to the door and finally noticed the other person, "Are you White Mage?"

"Yes. I am the White Mage of Light. Though I am trying to pick a good name."

"Pick?" They all echoed.

"We, the Warriors of Light, don't have names really. So we're trying to pick a good one. Thief calls himself Brian now a days."

There was a bout of silence. Then Warrior's voice called out.

"Is there a convention going on in the front door? And if so, why didn't you invite me, damn it!"

Warrior now stood before them wearing blue civilian clothing and _still_ holding a cup of tea.

He noticed and waved at White Mage, "Hey! How you doing girl!"

White Mage looked at him blankly. Then she turned to Cloud, "I...can see why you called me here."

"Yes. Can you please revert him back," Cloud almost begged.

"Well," White Mage thought for a second, "actually if you ask me this is an improvement."

"What?"

"Well. Compared to the old Warrior...this is actually quite an improvement."

"Amen to that," Warrior took a sip, "how's Princess Sarah doing?"

White Mage frowned, "Must you always ask about her well being?"

"As a knight? Yes I must."

"Don't tell me you still can't notice...," White Mage muttered with a slight blush that did not go unnoticed by anyone save Warrior.

Warrior looked absolutely confused while Bartz suddenly piped.

"Whoa man. You must be what Exdeath calls...Oblivious to Love!"

"Eh?"

Cloud sighed, "A-anyway. Could you please revert him back?"

"Huh oh!" White Mage regained her composure, "Well even though this _is_ an improvement...sadly it isn't the type we're looking for...I'll get to work."

* * *

"Royal"(my ass) Decree no. 3: All private property will be confiscated for the empero- er state.

"Golbez I know you're in there!" Mateus barked at the solid gold gate, "Open this gate! NOW!"

The gate partially opened and Golbez peered outside, "Ah Mateus. To what do I owe this...honor?"

Mateus frowned, "You have heard of my latest proclamation have you not?"

"I may or may have not. If I did, I may have chosen to forget it," Golbez replied flatly.

Mateus growled, "And you admit to willingly breaking the law? You have some gall."

"I would not be me without it. Can we move along?"

"Then give me the deed to your house."

"I'd rather not. I happen to like this mansion."

Mateus smiled wickedly, "You do realize I am allowed to use force?"

"Threat detected," a robotic voice suddenly said.

Giant laser, turrets and other weapons pointed at Mateus' general direction.

It was Golbez's turn to smile, "You do realize that my automated defense system does not take kindly to threats nor does it take prisoners?"

"Feel free to run away," He retreated back into the mansion as a cloaking field was lowered.

Mateus laughed haughtily, "What can your puny defense system do against the mighty Empero-!"

Mateus was promptly vaporized by thousand degree lasers, an insane amount of bullets, and an even more insane amount of missiles. If that wasn't enough, several aircraft flew up and began to pepper him with even more lasers and even a few bombs.

His bodyguards simply responded by watching him incinerate, _slowly. _They all put on sunglasses while one recorded the spectacle.

After some time of being burnt, the onslaught finally ceased. Mateus was left literally a smoldering black spot on the ground.

The guards looked at each other. Then one wondered aloud, "So...what do we do now?"

They all consulted their watches, "Well...orders were to escort the Emperor. And since he isn't around anymore...guess that means its back to base."

The bodyguards walked away in perfect unison. One of them glanced back and noticed a penguin's silhouette stand by one of the windows. Before the guard could get a better look, the curtains were closed.

The guard shrugged it off and left.

-0-0-0-0-

Back at the mayor's office.

"So...," a newly recuperated Mateus asked, "how much, militarily and financially, would it cost for us to take that mansion?"

One of the bodyguards that accompanied him yesterday flipped through a report detailing their man...er _demon_power, "At our current strength? It would take the whole army and we would probably suffer a 500% casualty rate."

Mateus stiffened slightly, "500% casualty rate? What on earth does that mean?"

"They'll throw enough ammunition at us to kill us five times over."

"...Will we be able to take the location?"

"We will fail spectacularly."

"Very well. We shall cease operations against that home. But mark my words Golbez I will be back," Mateus grumbled and (temporarily) accepted defeat.

* * *

"Royal"(not really) Decree no. 4: All drinking/exporting/importing tea will be banned for no real reason.

Jecht frowned at the fourth "Royal" Decree. Truth be told he made quite a profit from his tea sales. For some reason or another, he was pretty adept at making tea or drinks in general. Well that really wasn't what Jecht was concerned about. What he _was_ concerned about was his dear patrons would react. They were perfectly nice and civil...unless you got on their bad side. If you _do, _well, may the gods help you because they _will _mow you down in a wave of anger.

"Hopefully they can keep themselves in line," Jecht grumbled as he picked up the remote and turned on the TV, "last thing I want is another issue like when they burned the-"

On the TV was a new report about how the city was, once again, being torn down by an angry mob.

Jecht rubbed his temples, "There they go again..."

-0-0-0-0-

Back at the Cosmos residence.

Warrior was breaking window after window with his voice after he heard the latest decree.

White Mage, Cloud, Firion and Squall all stood to the side.

"Dammit," White Mage muttered, "and I was so close. A little more and he would've been back to normal."

"That guy sure knows how to pick a bad time," Firion grumbled then looked outside, "What the-!"

The young rebel quickly dashed out of the room and headed for the door.

"What _is_ in that stuff anyway," Cloud reached for a cup of that tea Warrior kept drinking.

Squall leaned forward and examined it, "Looks like good old fashioned tea to me."

"Let me have a taste," White Mage asked.

Cloud obliged and White Mage took a sip.

"Hmn...this is quite good stuff."

"We know. What we don't know is why its almost like cocaine to him."

White Mage giggled, "Well you may not have noticed but this is have some rather good stress relieving properties. Warrior may not look like it but he is almost always stressed."

"...that explains why he liked it so much."

"But why in heck's name did he wind up acting like that?"

White Mage shrugged, "He must've gotten too relaxed."

Cloud narrowed his eyes, "That's a rather strange explanation. Well in any case, let's tie him down so we can get this over with."

Squall grinned and stretched his arms, "Sure thing."

"Let me," White Mage walked over to Warrior held his face between her hands...

And smacked him so hard that he fell over. She also shouted, "GET A GRIP WARRIOR!" while smacking him.

Squall and Cloud stood there in silence.

"Well," Squall finally commented, "that's a rather direct method."

"I actually like that method."

Warrior lay on the floor while White Mage turned to the door, "Hello ladies. Is something wrong?"

"No not really," Terra looked around the room, "we thought we heard somebody get slapped rather hard."

White Mage motioned to the fallen Warrior, "That would be him."

Terra gasped, "Warrior!"

"Nice," Rinoa commented, "how often do you have to do this?"

"Every now and again."

"You know, for a white mage you're pretty strong," Tifa added.

"Have to be to keep Black Mage in line."

"Lucky we never had that problem," Zidane walked in with Bartz and Cecil, "our Black Mage was quite the guy."

"So was ours," Cecil added.

"Whoa!" Bartz noticed their fallen leader, "Who did that to Warrior!"

"I did," White Mage replied.

"Nice."

"Hey guys," Tidus walked in, "What's going on?"

"Warrior just got bitch slapped."

"Really!" Tidus rushed over, "Ouch...that looks like it hurt."

"It had to," White Mage then turned to Firion who had just returned, "Is something the matter? You look awfully annoyed."

"I just discovered something," Firion held up a piece of paper and was about to reveal its contents when-

"Augh...what in Cosmos' name happened?"

They all turned to Warrior. Who had sat up and was shaking his head.

"The last event I recall was leaving our rather scary host's home and...?"

He looked up and blinked, "White Mage? What brings you here on this fine da-"

He looked out to the blackened skies, "...evening."

White Mage stared at him blankly, "Uh...you don't remember?"

"Is there something worthy of note happening?" he stood up, "As I said, the last I recall was leaving the mansion from where I hired our maid. Oh! Have I introduced her to you?"

"You did, like...weeks ago."

Warrior stared at them with, I don't even know how its possible, and even blanker expression than usual, "...Huh? I do not remember that...and also."

He turned to Rinoa and Tifa, "Might I ask who you are?" he summoned his sword and shield, "You are currently in the temporary residence and headquarters of the Warriors of Cosmos. And I would like to be sure that you are not threats to our security."

Rinoa looked at him blankly, "What the heck is going on?"

"He must be having a bout of amnesia or something," Tifa sighed, "Yeah, I know its strange. But that looks to be the case."

"Is it even possible to suddenly incur amnesia that quickly?" Luneth wondered.

"They call it Instant Amnesia I think," Bartz replied, "but shouldn't we just be happy that he's back to his old self?"

"Old self? I do not recall being anything other than who I am," Warrior said with a raised eyebrow, "Barring that, I believe these two ladies have avoided my question long enough."

"Rinoa," she began, "Rinoa Heartily. I'm Squall's girlfriend."

"Tifa Lockhart. I'm Cloud's."

Warrior blinked a few times, "Their girlfriends? Really? Never imagined them to be the type. Squall was too anti-social and Cloud was a bit too angsty. Aw well, things do happen. I apologize for earlier."

He looked around the living room, "Is there some sort of meeting? Has anything happened that requires our attention?"

"Well...," Cloud finally began, "Mateus has become a tyrannic ruler and I think it would be in our best interest if we took him down a notch."

"But would that not be rebellion? Did we not swear to obey the law when we entered this city?"

"Yes we know. But this _is_ Mateus we're talking about."

"Not reasonable grounds. Firion, you look like you have something to say. Please say it then."

"It...doesn't look like we'll be able to do anything."

They looked at him strangely.

"Why so?" asked Terra.

"Mateus just put us under house arrest. There's a battalion of troops outside to keep an eye on us."

"House arrest!" Bartz thundered, "On what charges!"

"May I see that letter?" Warrior reached out.

Firion handed him the letter he was holding.

"Well?" Tidus asked impatiently, "On what charges are we under house arrest?"

"For threatening the peace," Warrior then turned to them looking stern, "It is obvious to me that I have suffered memory loss. Now I wonder, if there is something in those memories that I should be angry about?"

Zidane waved his hands, "No dice pal. We ain't telling."

"Besides this _is_ Mateus we are talking about. It's likely he just fabricated those reports to torment us," Cecil reasoned.

Warrior raised an eyebrow, "Whatever the case, there is naught more that we can do."

"Can't we just fight our way out?"

"That would fall under breaking the law. Which we agreed not to do."

Most of the Cosmos Warriors looked disappointed.

"Damn. This is no fun," Luneth complained, "the other Warrior would have agreed."

"Other Warrior? Has someone been masquerading as me lately? Or do I have some sort of evil twin?"

"D-don't think about it too much Warrior."

Warrior raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and left.

"Well...at least he's back," Cloud muttered.

* * *

"Royal"(don't you mean gay?) Decree no. 5: A 50000% tax increase will be levied on all businesses.

Jecht threw his sword into the TV and then summoned a meteor to throw at it.

"The hell is that guy pulling! Is he trying to run me out of business!"

"More accurately, isn't he just trying to be a dick?" William responded in a uninterested tone of voice.

"Well! He is gonna regret trying to be a dick to me!" Jecht declared.

"Haven't you forgotten Jecht? He already tried to use you in his schemes. Isn't it obvious that he bears no respect towards you?" Garland reminded him.

"Well I guess I'll just have to make him respect me!"

"Then why don't you join us!"

They all turned and saw a stranger standing at the bar entrance.

"Who're you?" Garland grunted.

"I am a recruiter for an underground organization that is plotting against the emperor," the man explained, "I am here looking for new recruits. Won't you join us?"

Jecht smiled, "I think I'll take up that offer. Who's with me!"

The whole bar, save William and Garland, then cheered their willingness to accompany him.

"What about you officer Garland?" the man moved closer, "we are in dire need of your leadership."

"My...leadership you say?" Garland thought for a moment, "Sure, why not!"

The man looked extremely pleased. Then he turned to William.

"And what of you?"

William grinned, "Leave me the hell out of it. Revolutions are not my thing really."

The man nodded, "It is a shame then. Alright everyone! We go to our base!"

Everybody left the bar. Before leaving, Jecht turned to William.

"Close up when you're done."

"Sure sure."

William sat in the quiet dark bar for twenty or so minutes.

"A revolution huh? ...This just might be worth watching."


	16. Garland the Revolutionary

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Chapter 16: Garland the Revolutionary.

"All righty!" Garland declared to a whole underground cave full of would be revolutionaries, "our revolution will be organized into 3 phases. We start them now!"

The crowd assembled cheered at his words.

* * *

Phase1: Recruitment.

"So how many have we got Ed?"

Ed, the man who had recruited Garland and the entire bar, flipped trough a clipboard, "Around two thousand troops sir."

Garland growled, "That's not enough...we need more."

"But it's rather difficult to convince people to join a revolution," Ed reasoned.

"Then you haven't tried my method of recruitment."

Garland stood up and left. A puzzled Ed followed.

Outside, Garland looked around and settled on a hobo across the street.

"Hey you!" Garland started forward.

The hobo looked around, unsure if he was the one being addressed.

"Yes you Mr. Hobo. Come over here for a second."

The hobo carefully approached the huge man. When he was close enough, Garland thew an AK-47 at him.

"Welcome to the revolution. Now take point."

The hobo looked at the gun, then back at Garland, then back at the gun. His face suddenly broke into a smile, "Yes I did it! I got a job! Mom if you could see me now!"

The hobo started dancing in joy while Garland returned to a stunned Ed, "And _that_ is how you recruit people. By force!"

"That...wasn't very forceful really...where are you going sir!"

Garland was walking away, "Where else? To recruit more people to the cause!"

Garland punched the sky then stood still for a moment.

Garland turned to Ed, "What was the cause again?"

"...The liberation of the city."

"Thanks,"Garland turned away, "Let's go! Recruits await!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Tony was minding his own business eating, you guesses it, pizza when a familiar armored figure walked into his shop.

"Hey Garland," he stuffed another pizza into his mouth, "what brings you here?"

"Tony, do you dislike Emperor Mateus' policies."

"Sure I do. What about it?"

"Good!" Garland whipped out a contract, "Sign here, here, and here!"

An astonished Tony could do nothing but sign the papers. Then Garland patted him on the shoulder, "Welcome to the revolution!"

Garland then disappeared faster that a horse on steroids leaving Tony sitting there mouth ajar.

"What. The. Hell?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Three mafi-, ganste-,..._very nice persons _sat near a very nice looking limo.

"When's the boss gonna be back?" one them asked.

"You miss him already?"

"Why wouldn't you miss him! He was the best thing that ever happened to us! Apart from being founded in the first place of course."

"You people look like you have no direction. What happened?"

"Our boss disappeared," one of them muttered without looking up, "without him there's not much we can do. He was pretty much holding the group together."

"So...you really have nothing to do?"

"No. Not really."

"Good! Then welcome to the revolution!"

The men jumped in surprise and raised their weapons. They found themselves facing the local folk hero.

"Garland! What are you doing here!" one of them shouted.

"And what's this revolution you're talking about?" another added.

"A revolution to overthrow our dickish mayor of course!"

"I don't know. The boss wouldn't want us to go running around overthrowing people."

"Allow me to persuade you with logic then."

"Shoot."

"You are members of the mafi-"

"We are very nice people. Please refer us as such."

"...okay...," Garland regained his composure, "You are one of the very nice people, that would technically make you enemies of the government."

"Well...technically."

"Yes technically it does. Now since you are the government, and by extension Mateus', enemies, wouldn't it make sense for them to be behind the mysterious disappearance?"

The three men paused, then it dawned on them.

"Hey you're right!"

"That's it! that has got to be it! Damn that mayor he'll takin' our boss!"

"Okay Mr. Garland! We're in!"

Garland smiled broadly, "Good choice!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In a house whose front door was once blown of its hinges courtesy of Garland, the maid with purple hair sat in the living room next to a rather vertically challenged black haired girl wearing a school uniform and a necklace. On the other side of the room sat a black haired boy who is also wearing a school uniform. Since the beginning of Martial Law, they've been confined to their home. The short girl and maid because they live there, the boy because he was visiting.

They sat around making small talk while eating some of the maid's homemade food. The girl seemed to be doing fine, but the boy was...hesitant, to put it lightly, to touch what appeared to be a mutilated cabbage with some sort of brown sauce on it.

"What's wrong?" the maid asked from across the table, "Are you not hungry de arimasu?"

"Ah no," the boy took some and, after hesitating for a bit, finally took a bite. It wasn't exactly that bad...but _still_. They, the girl and the maid, watched him as he prepared to take another bite. Right at this moment, the doorbell came to the rescue.

"Excuse me de arimasu," the maid stood up and headed for the door.

The boy sighed in relief as the maid left. The girl sighed, "I guess cooking just isn't really her thing huh?"

"Well...yes. Though it does look like she's improving."

"At too slow a rate I'm afraid," said another male voice that likely came from the pendant that the girl was wearing, "are you sure you can survive for that long?"

The boy laughed nervously, "I have confidence in that."

At the door, the maid approached and heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Miss De Arimasu! You in there!"

"The rude mail man," a voice, most probably coming from the headband, announced.

"What could he want de arimasu?"

The pounding on the door grew louder and louder until it attracted the attention of the young boy who poked his head out of the living room.

"What's happening Ms. Carmel?"

The maid ow stood at the door, "Nothing to be concerned about de arima-!"

Garland's gauntlet suddenly burst trough the door and grabbed the maid's head.

"There you are! I know you won't like this, but that's the point. Welcome to the revolution!"

Garland then pulled the maid through the door. The boy, recovering from the shock, ran after them.

"Miss Carmel!"

The girl poked her head out the living room, and quickly followed.

"Hey! Where are you two going! Hey! Yuji!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Garland's next destination was the apartment complex where he delivered the globed key thing. He arrived at the door and knocked on the door. But instead of being met with the small blue eyed, aquamarine haired boy, he was met by a man wearing a mask and a long black coat with a hood.

"What can I help you with young knight?"

Garland frowned, "I don't really like it when people treat like a kid you know. I'm over 2000 years old for crying out loud!"

The man looked uninterested, "I do not really care. What business do you have here?"

"Looking for recruits for our little revolution."

"...rather truthful of you. But we have no interest in you petty little-"

"Why not."

They both turned to the young boy that had received the globe key thing.

"Tertium?"

The boy merely shrugged, "I cannot see why not. This is the most interesting that has happened since we got here. And frankly, I was getting bored."

Tertium walked past Garland, "Well? Are we going or not?"

The coated man didn't move for a moment, then shrugging, he followed, "Very well then. Girls come!"

The man left followed by a group of four young, confused, girls.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Now Garland entered Sephiroth's home.

"Hey Sephiroth!" Garland shouted as he entered the living room, "Where are you!"

The three remnants and the clones suddenly jumped him. He tossed them aside easily.

"What business do you have with brother?" Kadaj asked.

"Something I'd rather tell him only," Garland looked around, "where is he anyway?"

"He is in the bathroom, bathing," Yazoo informed him, "what ever you have to tell him you can tell us first."

"That's quite enough Yazoo," Sephiroth's voice called out from the restroom, "you know he can't be swayed."

The boys looked at each other, then stood apart and let him through.

When Garland was next to the bathroom door, Sephiroth's voice called out again.

"So what do you want?"

"I'm here to recruit you to our revolution."

Sephiroth chuckled, "What make's you think I'll join you."

"You've got nothing to lose."

"I have more interesting things to do."

"You know I'll either keep bugging you to join or I'll just kidnap you right?"

Sephiroth sighed, "Fine. I'll let you have Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz. You three be good and do as he says okay?"

"Yes Master!"

And so Garland left with three new recruits.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The next area of Garland's recruitment was...odd.

You remember that asylum Kefka got thrown into? Yeah, he thought I'd be the perfect place to obtain new recruits.

And so he and a few men busted in and began to free the inmates.

Their "recruits", and by extension the asylum's inmates, ranged from the typical insane inmate to a goddamn Xenomorph. Strangely: despite the fact that they were doing damage and freeing inmate, the guards and the staff didn't seem to care.

Then Garland turned to a corner and saw two men who appear to be highly ranked. They were just standing there looking into a cell.

"He has proven to be quite the nut to crack," one of them was saying.

The other nodded, "Indeed he is Vice Director. We have, however, managed to confirm that his condition is somehow related to that of our notorious inmate."

"Ah yes. Mr. Palazzo."

Garland paused and lingered over.

"Has he suffered any signs of withdrawal?" the Vice Director asked.

"As of the moment? None. We are, however. Still keeping him under 24 hour surveillance. He cannot so much as scratch his nose with out us knowing."

"Good. Now you say this one's condition is related to Mr. Palazzo. How is that?"

"It appears it is Mr. Palazzo's sanity that drove him insane according to the Master's report."

"Well, that is natural considering that Mr. Palazzo is Mr. Exdeath's office mate of sorts."

Garland kicked the door of the room open and, sure enough, Exdeath was inside.

Except he was in a pot. And he was decorated like a Christmas tree.

Garland turned and glared at the two men standing outside.

"It wasn't our idea. He decided that since he was a tree it would be best if he put himself into a pot and acted like one," the Vice Director informed him.

"We know the logic is flawed, but we curious to see as to what would happen," the other one added.

"Yeah sure whatever," Garland grabbed Exdeath by the horn, "if you don't mind, I'll be taking him."

"Then by all means," the Vice Director replied, "do promise us you'll help him get back on his feet."

Garland nodded and started walking but paused at the door, "By the way, could I see Kefka Palazzo's treatment record?"

"That is a question you should ask the Master."

Garland raised an eyebrow to which the Vice Director replied, "The asylum director."

"Thanks," then Garland and his mates made their escape.

When they got back at the HQ the mafia men suddenly swarmed Garland.

"BOSS!"

Garland stopped dead in his tracks, "Boss...?"

"Yeah that's right! Why are you carrying him like a piece of meat?"

"And more importantly, why is he decorated like a Christmas tree!"

"Look I found him at the asylum. And he's a Christmas tree because...they dressed him up like that."

"Damn them! Mocking our boss! that's it they're gonna pay!"

Garland put Exdeath down, "So you're leaving the movement?"

"No! I figure that since this asylum is owned by the government, it was probably the mayor's idea! Therefore, we are taking him down!"

The very nice people cheered while Garland held back a laugh.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Demon guards were scattered throughout the city. They were originally employed to be the new police force thus putting the _entire police department_ out of the job. Needless to say, they were _not _pleased.

The city now had a rebellious and very well armed police department that wanted a piece of the guy who put them out of the job. And what did Mateus send to guard these rebellious men? One demon. Standing by the door. Armed with _BB gun_. What self respecting revolutionist would dare miss this opportunity for a massive boost in employment?

And thus Garland took the guard out with one punch and kicked open the door in that awesome manner that is usually reserved for heroes.

"Are you tired of this stupid rule!"

"Yeah!"

"Do you want your jobs back!"

"Yeah!"

"Do you hate this guy's smug face!" Garland lifted a poster of Mateus.

"Yeah!"

"Then join us in overthrowing his pompous ass!"

"Yeah!"

Garland grinned as he watched the policemen troop out, "That's phase one completed! Time for the second phase!"

* * *

Phase 2: Funding.

Jecht sat in his small makeshift office as Garland walked in.

"So what's the news Jecht?"

"Well unless we intend to arm them with rocks. We're gonna need to make some money fast," Jecht threw their financial report on the floor.

"Don't sweat," Garland picked it up, "I have a few ideas."

Phase 2a: Obtaining the funds.

Money makes The Netherwo- er...the world go round. And the revolution needs it, lots of it.

Donations obviously aren't gonna cover it. So some more...direct methods are necessary.

Garland's tank, yes _that_ tank, drove trough the doors of the city's biggest bank running over a bunch of demon guards while it was at it. The other guards responded in kind and started shooting, using rifles and pistols, at a tank that was designed to take direct hit from bombs. Imagine how _that_ turned out.

Needles to say, it only took a few bursts of machine gun fire to dispatch them. While all of this was happening, the bankers and the customers simply continued their business...truly something is wrong with this town.

Once the guards were taken care of, the occupants, Garland, the Hobo, Jecht and two others, exited their vehicle. They then proceeded to the counters. There they pulled out withdrawal slips and handed them over.

The clerk examined the the slip, "Everything seems in order Mr. Garland. Please wait while we process your request."

Everybody else got the same response and they left the bank very happy revolutionaries.

Afterwards, they proceeded to another bank. Here they headed for the ATM and ran over a pair of demon guards. Garland then began to withdraw some more money. Around 15 feet away, by the bank entrance, another pair of demon guards stood watching this unfold.

Demon 1: "Hey, those guys just ran over the guards there."

Demon 2: "Yeah. But apart from that they ain't doing anything illegal."

Demon 1: "Sure...but shouldn't we be arresting them or something?"

Demon 2: "Why? Like I said they ain't doing anything illegal...besides, I never liked those two."

Demon 1(smiling): "Well...me neither."

Garland's next move was to ask a donation from Golbez. I mean, come on. The guy has a freakin mansion! surely he'd be able to spare a few bucks for a friend.

Garland pressed the doorbell and waited patiently. Moments later, the house master himself appeared.

"Ah Garland. What can I help you with?"

"I'm plotting-"

"A revolution," Golbez interrupted, "Yes I am aware of that. Also know that I have no interest in fighting. Is there something else I can help you with?"

"Uh yeah. But first. How did you know about the revolution?"

Golbez sighed, "Anyone with half a brain and a television would know. Your recruitment commercials have been on for quite a while now."

Garland was silent, "Yeah...maybe that wasn't a good move on our part huh?"

Golbez sighed, "You can expect Mateus to be ready. That man watches TV just so he can view his own propaganda machine at work. In any case, is there something else I can help you with?"

"Oh that!" Garland held out a sack, "we're here to ask for a donation!"

Golbez took the sack, "I will be right back."

He disappeared back into the mansion. Garland spent his time examining the garden. Apart from the penguin tending the roses, there was nothing really extravagant or out of-.

A penguin tending the roses?

Garland turned back. Sure enough, there was a blue skinned penguin tending the roses. It had blue skinned, looked stitched together, had a large pouch on its belly, had peg legs, and wore a gardener's hat.

Garland watched as it continued to clip at the rose bush. After a while, it wiped away the sweat on its head with one of its flippers.

Then it talked.

"Man this sure beats working for master Etna dood!"

Another one popped out from behind one of the bushes, "You said it dood!"

"Same feeling here dood!"

That was followed by may more popping out and saying "Dood!"

Garland stood in awed silence as the penguin creatures ran about tending the garden.

Then the door opened and Golbez stepped out, "Ah Garland. Here is my donation."

Garland took the sack, "Yeah...by the way. What are those?"

Golbez followed his gaze, "Oh, those are Prinnies. Currently my labor force is composed entirely of them. They also explode when thrown so I try to be careful even though they don't seem to die if they explode."

"Uh huh...mind lending them as cannon fodder?"

"No," Golbez replied sternly, "they are my employees and I intend to see to their well-being."

One of them poked his head out the door, "Yup he truly is better than Master Etna!"

Another one poked his head out too, "Sure is Dood!"

"But if you are looking for cannon fodder," Golbez turned to the Prinnies, "please fetch those useless Battle Droids we got."

Garland smiled, "Sure I'll take those whatever the heck they are!" then he noticed, the sack was awfully heavy.

"Golbez what _did _you put in here?"

"Almost a ton of Worthless Yellow Rocks and about half a ton of diamonds."

Garland was silenced.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Phase 2b: Spending the funds.

Okay now they've got the money. Now it's time to spend it.

Garland, money in hand, or in this case, attache case, headed for the nearest supermarket. He entered and headed for the managers office. Once there, he found himself facing, of all people, William.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"Running one of my many business. What are _you _doing _here_?"

"I'm here to buy everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes everything," Garland dropped his attache case full of cash.

William picked it up and counted the money, "This is far from enough."

"I got a few truckloads more."

"Hmn...two point five truckloads will be enough."

"Deal!"

They shook hands. After which, William said, "You do realize you need more than the stuff in this supermarket to win this revolution? Unless of course you're thinking of fighting them with mops, brooms and toilet paper."

"I'm working on that," Garland left the room.

William sat behind his chair. Then spoke to a mirror.

"Keep an eye on him," he said in an unusually serious voice, "find out exactly where he's going to get these weapons. It might have an impact on the course of this revolution."

"Yes my lord."

-0-0-0-0-0-

Garland, meanwhile, was purchasing his weapons from a bald guy. The same guy that Golbez had traded with. You know, Mr Chrome dome.

"And what do you have for me in exchange?"

"A f*ck ton of money."

The man silently considered, "Very well then." he produced a list of weaponry and prices, "Feel free to make a selection."

"One question though," garland said as he examined the list, "is there anything here that can't be configured to fire lasers or missiles?"

"Only the rifles and artillery pieces."

Garland smirked, "This should be good."

-0-0-0-0-0-

Back at rebellion HQ.

Garland oversaw the distribution of weapons. Though he still felt something was missing.

"Hey Ed!"

Ed looked up and walked over, "Something wrong sir?"

"It feels like our troops are still missing something. What do you reckon it is?"

Ed thought for a moment, "Hmn...I got sir! Our troops are lacking finishing moves!"

Garland turned to him and flatly said, "What? That's stupid. Get serious!"

"I'm being perfectly serious sir! Everyone knows that every fighter must have at least one finishing move!"

"And where do you expect to-"

"Did someone say they were looking for a finishing move?"

Everyone turned to the entrance and saw a blonde, brown skinned man wearing white pants and a...well it can be called a shirt. The short sleeved type type that exposed his chest.

"Who are you?"

The man grinned, "Jacobus Racan, I'm a traveling mercenary. Now, I heard you were looking for someone to teach you finishing moves? Well you've come to the right place! I'm selling them!"

Garland stood there in stunned silence while his troops rushed over.

"I'd like one!"

"Me too!"

"So do I!"

"How much is this gonna cost by the way?"

"Hmn le me see," Jacobus pulled out a calculator, "that'll be 500,000 per move, then there's a 200,000 advising fee and a 10% copyright charge. Cheap huh?"

"You call that cheap?" Garland responded flatly as many of his troops backed away, crestfallen.

"Yup," Jacobus gave him a thumbs up, "I usually charge for a million."

Garland rolled his eyes, "In any case, you said you were a traveling mercenary right?"

"Yup. If you're thinking of hiring it'll cost about hmn... 2 million an hour!"

"T-two million an hour!" Ed thundered in outrage, "What kind of mercenary are you!"

"The hero type! Anyway, since I kinda sympathize for your condition, I'll give you a discount. And that'll make...1,999,999 an hour. Like it?"

"That is one hell of a discount," Garland said sarcastically and made a counter offer, "1 million per hour."

"1.8"

"1.4"

"1.5"

"Two gold bars an hour."

Jacobus paused, "What kind of gold are we talking about here?"

Garland pulled out one of the solid gold bars that Golbez had given him, "Gold gold."

"Hmn...tempting," Jacobus scratched his chin.

"I'll throw in a diamond every six hours."

"Make it four hours and we've got a deal."

Garland sighed, "Okay okay. 2 gold bars per hour and a diamond every four."

Jacobus smiled, "Deal."

They shook hands while the rest of the revolutionaries wondered just how on earth their leader got that much money.

-0-0-0-0-0-

One the other side of the room, Tertium and his companions watched these events unfold.

The hooded man took a good look at Jacobus, "Is that not The Thousand Blades?"

"Indeed it is," Tertium began to walk away, "best we avoid him."

"I'm sure you can handle him."

"Not without the key I can't."

* * *

Phase 3: The part where they fight.

Obviously it wasn't a good idea to air recruitment commercials...at all. What's even dumber?

Why using the TV and newspapers to encourage the populace to join you in up coming attempt at overthrowing the government of course! They didn't forget to announce the date, time, and exact path of their advance either...how can these idiots possibly succeed.

"How, in heck's name, do these morons intend to pull this of?" William asked as he looked in the direction the rebels were to come from.

"They probably have confidence in themselves sir," the man who had accompanied him at the football game, Captain, replied as he scanned the _huge_ army that Mateus had gathered.

The two of them stood on top of a five story building that overlooked the avenue that Garland had announced they were passing.

"You know sir. It is entirely possible that Garland was only manipulating the media in order to falsely inform Mateus of the date, time and route of his attack," Captain pointed out.

William shook his head, "He's not like that. That was probably to make sure that Mateus and his army would be well prepared. The man loves a fight after all."

He then lifted some binoculars, "Speaking of which, what's his army's composition?"

Captain lowered his binoculars, "Around nine thousand low class demons, four thousand medium class demons, three dozen high class demons, 8 extreme level demons and around a dozen or so Awakened Beings."

"Wait, what!" William wheeled around and scanned Mateus' army, "What the hell! How in the whole frickin' world did he manage to get _those_ guys to fight for him!"

"I believe he bribed some of them with the promise of power and some with the promise of a steady supply of food from now on."

William lowered his binoculars and sighed, "Damn that man...," he turned to the other direction and squinted his eyes, "They should be arriving here any minute...aha!"

William walked near the edge of the building, "There they are."

Captain followed. At street level, opposite of Mateus' army, was Garland's forces. They comprised mostly of troops armed with rifles and rocket launchers. There were also several familiar tanks and other vehicles.

William laughed, "Nod tech? Didn't think he'd actually use them."

Captain remained silent and continued to scan the crowd, "Poor poor odds I'd say."

William nodded, "Truly. Is this is all they've got then it's a one sided slaughter in favor of Mateus."

"If I am not mistaken," Captain said, looking at the rear of Garland's army, "here come the things that Garland believes to give them the advantage."

William shifted his gaze and saw numerous Battle Droids marching.

He suppressed a laugh, "Those don't even count. Save for cannon fodder."

"It appears he has more."

William once again shifted his gaze and saw the Sephiroth clones. Here he smirked, "Not bad. But there are too may strong ones for them to handle. This fight is still lost."

Then the police department and the very nice people appeared.

"Wasn't expecting them," William commented, "especially working together."

"Well the police are unhappy about being out of the job and the very nice people blame Mateus for their boss's disappearance. However, this is still not a good development for them."

"Yes indeed. Sure they're better trained than the regular redshirts, but if they run into a high class demon they are dead."

Captain nodded silently. Then he spotted something, "Sir you might want to look at this."

William followed his gaze, and saw the maid, the short girl, and the young boy.

"Hmph. That's better. With those three they should be able to take out most, if not all, of the low class demons, a few of the mid to high class and maybe one of the extreme class."

"But still not enough."

"Still not enoug-!"

William approached the edge of the roof and took a closer look. Finally he said, "What in the world are those two doing here?"

Captain followed his gaze and saw Tertium an the hooded man, "Considering what this place is and the fact that those three are here, it should be no surprise."

"But why are they fighting for Garland?"

"How does this improve the odds?"

"With the current circumstances, One of them would have made victory plausible. Those two's power are not to be taken lightly. But with both of them at the field? Victory is almost assured. Mateus' forces do have a small glimmer of hope though."

"Garland has taken point sir."

"And he crushes that glimmer of hope," William muttered as he panned to the side. What he saw however, did not please him in the slightest.

"Him!" William pointed to the man standing next to Garland, "What the _hell_ is _he _doing _here_!"

"I believe he was traveling for a while sir," Captain explained, "however there is still the possibility that Mr. Jacobus is just passing by."

Suddenly Jacobus stepped forward pulled out a card and...

"ADEAT! HO HEROS META CHILION PROSOPON!"

A thousand weapons fired towards Mateus' army obliterating the greater part of the low level and some of the mid level demons.

"...As you were saying Captain?"

"It appears I was mistaken sire."

One of the extreme level demons then attacked Jacobus who responded by shouting.

"ZANKANKEN!"

A sword, large enough to easily cleave warships, appeared in his hand. He then threw it at the demon and nailed it right between the eyes. The sword continued and knocked out a few more high level demons.

"That man is the personification of overkill."

"It appears the one sided massacre is on Mateus now. Isn't it sir?"

And Jacobus wasn't done yet, suddenly he pulled out a nodachi and assumed a rather strange poses.

"ZAN!"

He moved to a new pose.

"MA!"

Then to another.

"KE~~~~~~N!"

Lightning seemed to strike him as he held the sword high. Then he assumed a final pose, leaning back on one leg and holding the sword behind him.

"NI NO TACHI!"

He slashed diagonally and fired a huge blade beam from the nodachi.

"IN CELEBRATION OF MY FIRST KISS WITH OJOU-SAMA...SPECIAL~~~!"

It sliced almost all the medium level demons, a couple of high level one, and a few extreme level ones.

"Shinmei-ryū sword arts," Captain observed, "An excellent choice given the current foes."

"...Did he really have to scream that other name at the top of his lungs?"

"It is, as you would put it, his style."

William grunted, "This battle can only have one ending."

Now he watched as Garland's army charged at the severely weakened demon army, "And it suddenly got boring."

After a few hours of battle, (Turns out Mateus had an almost infinite supply of low and medium level demons, but he already threw in all his high level, extreme level and Awakened Beings. Not that those would have made any difference.) Garland arrived at city hall. After fighting his way through the guards, he arrived at Mateus' chamber.

"Show time," he kicked open the doors and found himself face to face with the Emperor in Full Ruler of Hell mode.

"Garland," he sneered, "I hadn't expected that you would be able to find fighters this strong."

"Admit it. Your troops are just no darn good!"

"Silence!" Mateus hissed and he lifted his staff, "Let us end this! To the winner goes the city!"

"Works with me," Garland lifted sword.

After a few tense moments of silence, the two men charged at each other. Mateus was charging up Starfall while Garland was prepping his Soul of Chaos. The two were about to hit each other when...

A man wearing an orange shirt, which had the yellow letters L and F on it, and a yellow cape flew in through the window. He landed between the astonished fighters, turned to Mateus, pointed and shouted.

"LOL! FAG!"

This surprised Mateus, causing him to stand next to the man.

"Excuse me," he began, "but what are you-!"

Before Mateus could finish his sentence, Garland swung his sword, bisected Lol Fag, and sent Mateus' head flying out the window.

"Sorry about that Mateus," Garland addressed the headless corpse, "but even though I'm a knight I still play dirty."

"Guess that finishes our little revolution," Garland said looking around, "guess that means..."

It suddenly dawned on him, "I am the new leader of this town...o~~~h boy..."

Outside, having witnessed their leaders head fly out, the demons retreated. Jacobus looked around and whistled, "Guess that's done with! Then the amount comes at...72 gold bars and 18 diamonds! wonder if he'll keep me though?"

Back on the rooftop.

"Well," Captain was saying, "looks like they won."

"In a rather anti-climatic way too," William turned around, "This complicates things...let's see how it goes. If things don't go well...then we'll just have to find a way to get Mateus his throne back."

"That we will."

William and Captain then disappeared.

Meanwhile, at the Chaos Shrine, Chaos argued with the Forgotten Warrior of Chaos.

"Why do you want me to leave so desperately? I have not done anything wrong! I am merely enjoying my retirement!" Gabranth argued.

"Then enjoy it elsewhere!" Chaos spat back.

He then handed Gabranth some papers, "I have arranged for your reinstatement as a Judge in that city you used to be Judge in. Now do me a favor and leave!"

"And why exactly!"

"Gods have no need to explain their actions to mortals!"

"Maybe that's what led to this stupid war in the first place!"

They were just about to get it on when, a headless Mateus walked in.

They watched in awed silence as the body started looking for its head. Then they hear a voice coming from Chaos' throne.

"No, over here!"

They turned and saw Mateus' head resting calmly there.

"Do not look at me like that. I do not like it."

The body finally found its head and put itself together.

"Mateus," Chaos growled, "what are you doing here? I didn't give permission for your return yet."

"Garland beheaded me," Mateus mumbled as headed for the door, "When I find out just who exactly that idiot was...he is in for a world of hurt."

The Emperor then noticed Gabranth.

"Oh...the dog. Why are you still here?"

"I never received the letter. Besides, I'm retired already. I don't really need the money."

"Hmph, well excuse me," Mateus started walking again, "I need to reclaim my throne."

"Hey. Just how are things are in the city?" Chaos asked.

"Beautiful. Things have gone to hell," Mateus disappeared.

Gabranth looked shocked while Chaos sneered.

"Hear that? Looks like things in that city of yours has gone to hell...Still not leaving?"

Gabranth glared at him, "Fine! If only to restore order then I will leave."

Chaos smiled, satisfied, "Good"


	17. Mateus the Counter Revolutionary

Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, why am I writing this?

* * *

Chapter 17: Mateus the Counter Revolutionary.

And so Garland's reign as the town's mayor began. Now picture this, we have a Boisterous Blood Knight with absolutely no clue as how to run a city doing exactly that. The only thing Garland knows is how to fight and so he decides to implement this knowledge to each and every person in the city. If you've ever heard to a place called Sparta...you can imagine how this is turning out. Though lacking an army to conscript his citizens into, Garland went for the next best thing...

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Every able bodied individual between 16-60 must report to the police department for immediate conscription. Those who do not fit this category must then proceed to the labor department so as to be...useful to the city."

Warrior put the memorandum aside and viewed his comrades and their visitors, all clothed up and ready.  
"Those are the contents of the memorandum. Any questions?"

Tidus raised his hand, "Are we really going to comply with this?"

"It is the law we have agreed to obey."

"And you're perfectly alright with obeying the commands of your arch-rival?" Cloud questioned.

"Yes. As the leader of this city we must obey his commands."

"And you're alright with that?" White Mage asked.

"...I don't remember the law ordering that," he said flatly as he opened the door, "but nonetheless, we must be off."

And so the Warriors of Cosmos left their home mumbling.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At the bar.

Jecht was...not exactly happy about the fact that his customers were now either working for the police force or being made to work in one of Garland's weapon manufacturing plants(yes that's all the city makes now. All foodstuffs are imported.). On the other hand, Garland decided that Jecht would help his city best by supplying drinks to his army. Not to mention becoming Mr. Jacobus' drinking buddy so that the latter would not drain Garland's treasury too much.

In the process they became great friends.

"Hahahahaha! I like this town," Jacobus shouted over his nth mug of beer.

"Not exactly paradise but it's still a pretty nice place," Jecht replied, "In any case, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"Shoot."

"What exactly are you doing here?"

Jacobus smiled and put down his mug, "You have no idea just how special this place is do you?"

"No. No I don't. The only thing special with this place, as far as I can tell, is that the average IQ of its citizens is about 50. Maybe lower."

"Well yeah that. Okay then," Racan leaned forward, "let me tell you what really makes this special..."

* * *

Okay enough of that suspense! Let's move to our _real _main character.

Mateus traveled along the the city's massive sewer system along with a few of his demon guards. Eventually they reached the city's sewage treatment facilities.

"Damn that Garland," he muttered as he groped the walls, "luckily I have prepared for such an occasion."

Mateus flipped a hidden switch and opened secret door. He entered, flipped on the light and surprise! There was a huge underground chamber that strangely resembled a cross between the Bat Cave and NORAD. The cave was several hundred feet high. On the floor Mateus was standing on, there was a large screen flanked by many smaller ones. In front of it were rows of computer terminals. He headed for a booth placed above this floor. Inside were four terminals, two on each side. Behind those was a huge chair that faced the screen.

"Now then," Mateus sat behind the commander's chair and began pushing buttons and flipping switches, "let's see what the situation is."

The monitors came to life and displayed various locations of the city. From this room Mateus could access every computer system in the city. It was also linked to a huge network of cameras that observed every square inch of the city. Not to mention several spy satellites, control over the city's emergency broadcasting channel and access to the city's very infrastructure.

"Strange," he pushed more buttons yet all he could see were empty streets, "where are all the residents!"

He stood and turned to his demons, "I need you to find out exactly what is going on. Make sure you aren't followed. I'll be busy summoning more demons."

The two demons nodded and left. Mateus stood, turned around and proceeded down a spiral staircase to the depths of his lair. At the bottom was a large circular room with a magic circle carved into the floor and a case holding a book.

Mateus flipped the pages as the circle began to glow, "Let's see...who to summon oh who to summon?"

Meanwhile by the secret entrance, one of the asylum staff stood peeking inside. He lifted a tiny radio and said.

"Mateus has returned. Maintaining surveillance. Two demon guards have departed, send in another surveillance unit. Also, send an infiltration unit to this location. Mateus has some sort of command complex built here."

"Roger that," the radio replied.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile the two demons Mateus sent out, completely oblivious to the fact that they were being followed, began to walk about the city wearing what could be described at best as paper thin disguises.

They were wearing long black coats that didn't conceal their feet and tail with a large black hat.

As they walked, they noted that there were absolutely no vehicles on the street and dozens of police officers in every street corner, intersection and in front of every building.

"Damn," one of the demons muttered, "guess he must've conscripted the whole population. Right Match?"

Match shook his head, "Probably not Tom. I mean, look at all those weapon plants. Who do you expect to run them? Penguins?"

At that exact moment, a bunch of Prinnies walked past them carrying groceries and weapons.

The two demons watched in awed silence for a moment as the Prinnies headed from store to store buying things. Finally, Tom said.

"Wow Match! How'd you know that penguins were actually the ones running things behind the scenes?"

"That wasn't-! I didn't-!...Oh screw this! Let's get back to doing reconnaissance."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, their boss had summoned quite a large number of new demons. One of them in particular, was a cloaked man with a white scarf wrapped on top of his head, tall black hair and very evil red eyes.

"You," Mateus pointed at him, "what do they call you?"

"They call me the Destructive Blade."

"That is quite an interesting nickname. I would expect you to be skilled in the way of the sword correct?"

"That would indeed be correct."

"Good. Then I have a specific target for you..."

Hidden in the shadows, the asylum employee reported what was happening.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At a large silver, white and blue painted mansion located in a dimensional rift in the middle of the city that was guarded by a large number of men wearing attire similar to those of the asylum staff, except these ones had shoulder plates and large coats that concealed their entire body.

Captain appeared and walked through the huge front doors. He walked past the various artifacts that the master had collected over the years and arrived at the master's chamber. Without pausing, he pushed open the doors and entered. Sitting behind an ornate silver desk was their master...

"Oh hey there Cap!" William looked up from the paper he was reading and greeted his second in command, "so how's it going on up there?"

"Mateus has returned and is preparing to mount an offensive to reclaim his throne."

William nodded, "Good. He's behaving as I hoped. What exactly did he get?"

"Demons of a higher class and caliber than those before. He has also obtained the assistance of the Destructive Blade himself and has ordered him to pursue Mr. Jacobus."

"A logical choice. Speaking of which, have you managed to pin down their locations?"

"Most of them sir. Mr. Jacobus' is proving to be difficult to track and so are Mr. Tertium and his companions. The rest, however, have been easily located," he handed over a piece of paper.

William read it, "When does Mateus begin his offensive?"

"Estimates place it at two weeks sir."

"And what exactly does he intend to do in that time?"

"Build up forces and anger Garland through the use of raiding and hit-and-run tactics."

"Sounds reasonable enough. When is Gabranth arriving?"

"Just in time for Mateus offensive."

"Hmn...we're cutting it close here...well it's not like we can do anything about it. Continue with the operations. Make sure to remove as many of the big players on Garland's team as possible before the offensive."

"Yes sir."

Captain turned to leave but William called out.

"One last question. What are the Warriors of Cosmos doing?"

"They have chosen to obey the law that Garland has laid down. Now they and their guests work for the police force."

William smirked, "Good..."

* * *

Well enough of that strange plotting! To Mateus' efforts!

First off, Mateus sent a bunch of his goons to rob a few banks. Yes _rob_ them. These had two purposes. One to obtain funding for his forces, and two to demonstrate to Garland that he capable of fighting.

Standing guard at one of those banks, was officer Snafu and, much to his surprise, Squall Leonhart.

"So...how'd you wind up here?" Snafu asked Squall in attempt at conversation.

"Our leader recently got back to his senses and ordered us to obey the law," Squall mumbled, "even if the law is this ridiculous."

"Well it ain't really all that bad. I mean, at least the crime rate was sent plummeting."

"That's because everybody's either a cop or working in a factory. There's no one left to be criminals."

"Well...at least the unemployment problem is practically gone."

"Yeah. And most of them are now being worked like slaves in a factory. Somehow I think they'll prefer unemployment over that."

"...At least we have job!"

"Perfectly boring jobs. Nothing is going to happen around since, like I said earlier, were all either cops or workers."

They stared at each other in awkward silence for a while.

"You're not a very optimistic guy," Snafu pointed out.

"And you're too optimistic," Squall replied.

More silence. This time though, the silence was broken by a big explosion. They spun around and saw Mateus and a bunch of demons coming out of the vault.

"That's Mayor Mateus!" Snafu, pointing out the painfully obvious.

"What's he trying to pull here?" Squall wondered as he got up.

"Forget that! How'd he get into the vault to begin with!"

Squall shrugged as he lifted his gunblade, "That's anybody's guess. I take back what I said about this being boring. If I get to smash this guy every now and again, it might not be all that bad."

Squall charged up and cleanly sliced one of the demons Mateus had with him.

Mateus spun around and was surprised, "Leonhart...such a surprise."

He examined Squall clothing and smirked, "What's this? Have you gone so low as to work as security in a bank like this?"

Squall growled, "No I'm actually in the police department. But I figured if I can smash your face in every now and again it's worth it."

Mateus smiled, "How bold of you."

Squall leaped forward and swung his gunblade at him. But before he could make contact, a black cloaked man with a white scarf and black hair appeared and blocked Squall's blow.

"What the!" Squall then quickly traded blows with the man, who had pulled out another sword.

"Have you met my new recruits? As you can see this one is quite capable and I am more that willing to bet that he is a match for that Mr. Jacobus. Hahahaha!"

Squall and the Cloaked man continued to trade blows with neither of them being able to do much damage. Suddenly the cloaked man unleashed an almost literal tidal wave of exploding swords on Squall, much to the latter's surprise.

The exploding swords threw out more swords. The sheer number of swords eventually overwhelmed Squall and he was struck many, many times. Though none of the wounds themselves were fatal, there were enough to prevent Squall from getting up again.

As Squall lay there bleeding, Mateus walked past, "Though I applaud your courage, you should also consider your strength before recklessly attacking."

He ran out of the bank as sirens rang through the air, "Our time runs short. Come Mr. Blade we must escape."

Then the two of them were consumed by flames and vanished.

As the other officers arrived, Snafu walked over to Squall.

"Gee~~~ you sure showed _them_ huh?"

Squall, suddenly finding strength again, punched him out.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Mayor Garland was immediately informed of the incident.

"So...Mateus is coming up with a bid for power huh?" he muttered after skimming through the report, "Okay. Raise the alert level. Impose a curfew and arrest any suspicious figures."

"Yes sir," his advisers and men piled out. Once alone, Garland pulled out a phone.

The first call he placed was with Golbez.

"Hey Golbez, could you do me a favor?"

"That depends on the favor."

"A simple one really. I need you to see if Mateus bought any property in the city. After that I want to know if he had materials, any kind of materials but specially construction materials, shipped into the city. Also, with regards to the materials, I want you to see if you can find how many of them were shipped where."

"That's rather demanding."

"I know, but I really need you to look into it."

"Why me?"

"Because you have a way of obtaining information that's otherwise unobtainable. I don't know how, but you just do."

"You seem to place a lot confidence in my information skills."

"Yes. Can I trust you with this?"

"Of course. I shall contact you as soon as I get the information."

The second call he made was to his second-in-command, Jecht.

"Jecht you at the bar?"

"Yup. And oh! Heard the news, looks like Mateus is still kicking huh?"

"Indeed it does. Now listen Jecht, I need you to keep a close watch on the bar."

"Don't I always?

"No. What I mean is I want you to keep a closer eye on your customers. Especially the new ones."

"Thinking of ratting out spies?"

"Yes, chances are that he'll send them over since your bar has become quite the hub for activity and loose lipped people. Also-"

"Try and keep those loose lipped type in check?"

"Yes. And do it inconspicuously."

"Got it."

Jecht hung up. The third and final call he placed, was to his personal guard, Jacobus.

"Jacobus 'Jack' Racan, elite mercenary swordsman speaking!"

"...what kind that of intro is that?"

"Oh Garland! Here to hire me again?"

"Yes. I need you to take all the elite guys and distribute them around the factory complexes, barracks, and training facilitates."

"Judging from the news I received, you're expecting an attack right?"

"Yes. Mateus has experience in taking down nations, though I suspect this is probably the first time he's had to play the underdog so an attack at those areas wouldn't really be surprising."

"Okay got it. Anything else?"

"Yes. Establish patrols around downtown, city hall and other locations we call our 'strongholds'"

"Why?"

"The man has an incomprehensibly large ego. He'd love to attack those places just to show us that we aren't as powerful as we think."

"Good move I'd say. Well, I'd best be at it then."

Racan hung up. Now came the part Garland hated most.

"Now the waiting begins...best spend it rearming then."

* * *

Garland's intuition proved to be correct. A few days later, Mateus stuck again.

Mateus, knowing that he was the underdog here and that he needed to weaken Garland's impressive military strength, decided to ignore his ego and struck simultaneously at the barracks and the factories. Unfortunately for Mateus, Garland was prepared for both occasions.

And thus, much to Mateus' surprise, not only was there an army waiting for his forces but Garland's elites troops were also in wait.

And thus at the factories...

"ADEAT! HO HEROS META CHILION PROSOPON!"

"He was expecting us!" Mateus ran for cover, "But how!"

"Sir!" his communication officer crept towards him, "it appears the forces we sent to attack the barracks have also come under fire. They were expecting us there too."

Mateus clenched his teeth, "Damn that man! He's smarter than I give him credit for."

"It's considered bad form to underestimate your foes pal. You should at least give them the respect they're due," Jacobus' voice sounded oddly close.

Mateus looked behind him and saw Jacobus holding his Zankanken in one hand.

"Hey there," the mercenary said with a grin.

Mateus quickly ducked as Jacobus swung his sword at them, cleaving the building he was hiding behind. Jacobus then threw the sword at the largest cluster of demons and almost took all of them out.

"Guess you're just out of luck."

Mateus smirked, "Not quite."

At first Jacobus was surprised. Then he suddenly jumped aside as a rain of exploding swords dropped on his position.

"HO HEROS META CHILION PROSOPON!"

The swords struck each other and exploded on contact. Racan then landed and examined his opponent, the black cloaked man he had heard about.

"So...you're that new guy everyone's been talking about."

"So I am," he summoned two swords, "and I suppose you are Mr. Jacobus?"

"What if I am?"

"My contract says that I have to eliminate you," flames began to spread around him, "you were already skilled enough to evade my surprise attack. I'm actually curious to see as to how good you really are."

Racan summoned a greatsword and a battle hammer, "That so? Well then, let's get it on!"

They leaped into the air and began to duel. Every time either of them damaged one of their weapons beyond repair, they just summoned new ones. Eventually, Racan managed to get a clear shot.

"RACAN IMPACT!"

The force of the attack drove his opponent into the ground and literally obliterated him leaving only a tiny piece of cloth.

Racan landed, "Hmn that's odd. Thought he was tougher than that."

He turned around and was about to leave, when an exploding sword hit and wounded him.

He turned around and saw the piece of cloth grow, twist, and then reveal his opponent, still in one piece.

"That was quite the powerful attack really," he commented as he summoned two new swords.

"Heh. Aren't you impeccable. HO HEROS-ugh!," Racan muttered as he got up. Then he sagged back down.

"What the!" Racan looked in shock. His arms, body, heck _everything_, was bleeding.

"The heck is this!" Racan watched as the wounds grew bigger and deeper. He then gazed at his opponent, "That's one hell of a technique you got. What is it?"

"Stigma," he replied coldly as he slowly walked towards the crippled Racan, "the technique continually re-opens and worsens wounds inflicted to the target."

Racan looked up, "Not bad boy."

"I will consider those your last words."

Mateus appeared out of hiding, "It's over?...Then we've won! Nothing can stop us now! Just finish him and this is over!"

A gigantic and familiar sword flew between the hooded man and Racan. Then they heard the owner's voice.

"I wouldn't be so quick to declare victory Mateus. They still have me."

They turned and saw Garland walking towards them with his elite team and hundreds of other forces. Mateus smirked at them.

"What hope do you stand! We have defeated your champion!"

"So? Like I said, they still have me."

"Do you honestly think you can beat him?" Mateus motioned to the hooded man.

Garland smiled, "Sure I can! And I can also wipe the floor with your 'Royal' ass!"

"Preposte-" Mateus shouted but was interrupted by the hooded man.

"We're leaving."

The hooded man started walking away.

"Wha-! What!" Mateus ran over to him, "What are you saying! Their champion is down and we can surely defeat Garland and anything he can throw at us!"

The man paused, "Oh it's not him I'm concerned about. Though to be honest, it doesn't seem like I'll be able to come out of a fight against him unscathed. It's actually _them_ I'd rather not fight."

Mateus looked at the direction he was pointing at, "What! Those are but children!"

The man looked at him incredulously, "You obviously don't know what you're up against do you? Simply put, between those two children, I do not stand a chance. Especially since that boy...never mind. Also, Jacobus here is not yet down for the count."

With that he disappeared. Mateus, still in shock, followed, "Curses. Remember this Garland! We will be back!"

Garland looked around as Mateus' army disappeared, "Well what are you standing around there for? Don't let them escape!"

Garland's army surged forward. Their leader, on the other hand, walked over to the man Mateus had described as their 'champion'.

"So much for the invincible bit huh?" he said in amusement as Racan stood up.

"What're you talking about?" Racan grinned, "Like he said, it's not like I was beaten yet."

Garland observed Racan's wounds, "That was an interesting technique he got you with."

"Not bad really," Racan then eyed the wound, "but I'm very adaptable."

Garland watched in silent awe as the wounds on Racan's body disappeared.

"Nice. How'd you do that?"

"I've picked up a few things in my time."

"You think you can win next time?"

"Probably. That depends if I can overcome his other tricks since it'll foolish to assume that's all he's got," Racan turned to the army, "Anyway, who are those two?"

"Those? They're the two kids that live with that maid I told you about. Strange though, first time I've seen the kid wear something other than his school uniform."

They examined the boy. He was wearing thick armor and loose clothing, clad in burgundy. And behind his head, extended like a long ponytail, was a pitch black dragon tail. Beside him was a short girl with flaming red hair and eyes, and wearing a long black coat. She appeared to be lecturing him and they were otherwise uninterested with what was happening around them.

Racan observed quietly, "They look plenty strong to me."

They turned and began to walk away. As they were walking, Garland started talking.

"Looks like we can use them to keep Cloak Guy in check."

"Cloak guy?"

"Fellow you just fought. Anyway, talk to them and keep them within arm's reach. We don't want them suddenly disappea-...typical."

Racan turned around, "Huh? Where'd they run off to?"

"Excellent question. Well, dispatch a team to search for them. Meanwhile we'll just have to make do."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile at Mateus' HQ.

"So you're telling me that I have to get rid of them first? I do not take orders from you!"

"Then I will no longer take orders from you."

Mateus took a sharp intake of breath, "You drive a hard bargain. Very well I'll see to it."

The hooded man nodded and left Mateus' quarters.

Mateus then sat down and though, "How on earth am I supposed to make those two vanish!"

Just then one of his higher ranked demons walked in.

"Hey boss," he began cheerfully, "you know those two kids Mr. Exploding Blades ran away from? They just disappeared!"

He snapped his fingers, "Just like that!"

The demon stood grinning before the dumbfounded Mateus. Finally Mateus asked.

"Was it you that made that possible?"

"Do I get a raise if I said it was?"

"Um...yes?"

"Then it was me!"

"What if I told you the raise was negative?"

"Then it wasn't me!"

"...well...I guess you are a demon...where are you from?"

"The Netherworld!"

"You all come from the netherworld."

"Mine's special."

"Okay...well put together our forces. In light of the recent developments. I say we strike at city hall immediately!"

Wondering how they vanished? Here you go.

Some time ago, in the sewers under the battleground.

A group of the asylum staff or, as you should have figured out by now, William's men(they're all guys remember?) walked while keeping a vigilant track of their position.

The one in the lead raised his hand, "If the Master's estimates are correct-"

"The Master's predictions are almost, always correct. Especially in trivial matters like this...well, _almost_," one of them, hard to tell who since they all look the same, corrected.

"In any case," the one in the lead looked up, "they should be right above me. Alright, let us get things in order."

Two men moved forward to help him while the other two stood guard.

"I have been meaning to ask," one of the two at the rear began, "why is the new recruit leading the operation?"

"Asks the green recruit. This is the master's way of giving troops experience. Also, this is a trivial matter. The mission can fail and be reattempted with little to no impact on the Master's plans."

"...How encouraging."

"Do not take it that way. At least you are having experience in working as team and being a commanding officer."

"Point taken. Though this plan..."

"Is a great waste of time? Yes it is. But the Master needs his entertainment."

"We are doing this to entertain him?"

"Yes."

Then the other team called out, "Preparations are complete."

"Activate the device. On my mark. Three. Two. One. Mark."

"Activating trans-dimensional phaser."

There was a moment of silence as the small crystalline device hummed. Finally the walls became hazy and partially transparent.

"Operation successful. Withdraw from the area."

"Roger," the men then started walking back in the direction they came from.

While walking, the recruit asked, "What exactly was that?"

"Trans-dimensional phaser. Temporarily phases the targets out of reality for some time. Those two won't be bothering the master for a while."

* * *

Two days later. At city hall.

Garland was reading the reports that Golbez had sent him. Using this information, Garland hoped to find Mateus' headquarters. His research was, however, interrupted by a large explosion just outside his room.

"What was that," he said in a rather flat voice. He stepped out of the room and saw fire everywhere. He pressed a button on the intercom, "What on earth is going on?"

"We're under attack! Mateus and his men are at our gates!"

Garland picked up his sword, "All right then, call back as many of our troops as you can and prepare defenses."

"Yes sir!"

Garland the took a few steps back, and charged out the window.

"YEEEEHAAAAAA!"

He crashed, sword first, into some poor bloke's car. The he stood up, swung his sword around, and cleaved a large number of enemies.

"Now where is that pansy Mateus?" he looked around ignoring the little demon that had made its way onto his shoulders and was now vigorously stabbing his helmet with a tiny knife just like Luneth did.

"Aha! There you are you pansy!" Garland started forward, then remembered the demon on his shoulders. He reached up, snapped its neck, set it on fire, and tossed it to a group of demons. There it promptly exploded.

"Hey there Empy!" Garland shouted as he jumped and swung his sword at Mateus' head.

Mateus turned in surprise, then smiled, "And so you make your appearance! Let us end this!"

Garland and Mateus began to duel, while the hooded man stood a short distance away waiting for his target. After a few moments, he heard him coming. He turned around and summoned his swords.

"Let us begi-"

A sword the size of a skyscraper hit him right between the eyes.

"You talk too much pal," Racan landed a short distance away.

A huge pillar of fire sprouted erupted and melted away the sword. On top of it, the hooded man stood looking unhappy.

"That was sneaky."

"So it was. Doesn't matter really; you came out without a scratch," Racan summoned two swords, "just so you know that little opening and worsening wounds trick won't work anymore."

"Hmph. Then let us begin."

Back to Garland and Mateus.

Garland walked in a slow and annoying manner away from one of Mateus' even slower moving big balls of flare. Mateus, meanwhile, was performing some sort of dance to avoid getting hit by Garland's homing and moving blaze projectiles and Garland's sword.

"Since when could you control your projectiles and sword trough telepathy!"

"I took a few lessons from Exdeath and Ultimecia. I was getting the hang of it when Chaos shipped us out."

"Enjoy your laugh while you can!"

"Yeah, yeah," he punched the flare which turned and started tracking Mateus, "any last words?"

"STARFALL!"

Garland looked up and saw a giant meteor descending upon him, "Not a bad choice of words."

The meteor exploded and blasted them away. Garland wound up back inside city hall.

Mateus stood outside and noticed that more of Garland's troops were coming, "Tch. Let's end this Gar-"

And city hall suddenly exploded as if hit by a small tactical nuke.

Mateus' jaw dropped, "Okay...I did not do that! But in any case, come! We flee!"

Mateus started running, but from the flames, a voice called out.

"You? Running? YOU WUSS! GET BACK HERE! HOW DARE YOU BLOW UP MY HALL!"

That gave Mateus all the more reason to pick it up. Meanwhile, Racan, who's shirt had been completely ripped off, had managed to pin our hooded friend between two of his swords.

"Heh. Guess I win huh? And you guys are running."

"Indeed. And I must join them," he then stabbed Racan in his jewels.

While Racan yelled in pain, he took that opportunity to jump away and vanish. Racan, meanwhile, stood on his knee and muttered, "Guess that's one place where stabbing me with a sword actually works," he turned and watched Garland pursue Mateus in a murderous rage, "What caused that explosion anyway?"

On an observatory many miles away, William looked trough a pair of binoculars, "Looks like Garland made it out fine."

"Perhaps next time you would be more careful when you blow up a building," Captain sat nearby."

"Shut up! How the heck was I supposed to know that he was gonna get blasted in! But, still. To have survived that...he's something alright."

William turned around and started walking, "Anyway. Mission complete. Let's go."

Captain stood and followed, "Why did you have to break up the fight sir?"

"Can't have one of them winning before Gabranth gets here right?"

They disappeared in a flash of blue light.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sometime later, at Garland's temporary government headquarters.

The Mayor gathered up his officers.

"Take half the army and proceed to this location," he handed Racan a map with a marking on it.

"Oh~~ think that's their HQ?"

"The information Golbez has gather points to that."

"Sure about it?"

"As sure as I'll ever be."

Racan grinned, "Then I guess I'm off."

"Oh, take C-squad with you. But leave their captain here."

"Okay...what for?"

"Just a hunch."

With that Racan left.

* * *

A few days later, at Mateus' HQ.

The man himself exited the summoning room, tired after another round of summoning.

"How are our current numbers?" he asked his secretary as he drank an elixir.

."After taking out our latest losses. Around 3500 troops."

Mateus growled, "Not enough...have you located Garland's new HQ?"

"Yes sir. It is a small complex of homes in the suburban area."

"How are his defenses there?"

"Rather light. Seeing as most of his army disappeared somewhere."

"What?" Mateus stood up, "what was that last part?"

"Huh? Which one?"

"The one about his army!"

"Oh that! Like I said they disappeared somewhere."

"And where did they disappear to!"

"Would I be talking about them like this if I knew?"

Mateus frowned and was about to vaporize him on the spot when-

The floor in the command room exploded. Mateus then watched as Garland's troops, headed by Racan, stormed in and started wrecking everything.

"Gather the troops!" Mateus shouted as he charged up a meteor spell, "Stop them!"

He dropped the spell right over the hole Racan had created. Much to his surprise, familiar figures began to emerge.

"You people! what are you doing here!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Firion aimed an arrow at his head, "putting an end to you ambitions!"

Mateus ducked under the shot and detonated several traps he had readied before hand. As the dust cleared Mateus found himself surrounded by the Warriors of Cosmos and two other people.

"Tch. What are you little pawns doing here?"

"Crashing the show," Bartz replied with a grin.

"First I thought it'd be a waste of time," Tidus remarked, "but if we can actually fight you by doing our jobs, I guess it's worth it!"

"Tch. Miserable little insects."

"Is this one of your enemies?" Rinoa asked, "I hate him already."

"And what's with those clothes?" Tifa eyed Mateus clothing, "you look like a prostitute."

Cue the Warriors of Cosmos, and a huge amount of the other fighters, Jacobus included, bending over in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"What's so funny guys?" Tifa asked.

"Well, ha-ha-ha, nobody's actually said it to his face," Zidane explained between laughs, "but we all secretly thought that!"

"Compared to this, subscribing to magazines doesn't seem so bad," Cecil wheezed, "at least I'm not mistaken as a prostitute!"

"Got that right," Tidus gave him a high five.

"I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

"Then you're a whore!" Racan shouted helpfully.

More laughter erupted. Cloud, however, looked uninterested.

"Actually the way Mateus dresses isn't so bad. You should see Kuja."

"Kuja? Oh, you mean Wonder-thong?" Tifa asked.

"...yes. Wonder-thong."

"Wonder-thong?" Zidane repeated, "Is that a new nickname for Kuja?"

"I vote we _make_ it his new nickname," Squall finally suppressing his smile, "any buyers?"

Everyone in the HQ raised their hands. Squall nodded then, "Good!" he turned back to where Mateus was standing, "Where were we?"

"You were fighting me," the cloaked man replied.

"Right!" Squall assumed a stance, "let's do this!"

Squall and the others charged forward. Luneth, however, stayed behind.

"I thought we were fighting Mateus?"

Racan patted the kid on his shoulder, "Laughter can make you forget things. So can a nice hard drink. But in whatever case, we gotta help your buddies. Let's go."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile in a dirty sewer...what did you expect? It's a sewer treatment plant.

Mateus trudged along with several hundred demons.

"Where are we going sir?" one of the demons asked.

"To Garland's temporary headquarters," Mateus replied, "the reports said that his troop concentration there was low. If we manage to surprise them, we will have the upper hand."

They then continued down in silence.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In William's mansion.

One of the many men there burst into William's office.

"Sir I have urgent news!"

William, who had been playing Space Invaders on his 82 inch HD flat-screen TV, paused the game and turned around.

"What is it? You'd better have a good reason for interrupting my game."

"...why...are you playing Space Invaders my lord?"

"What! It's a classic! Anyway, you said you had urgent news. What is it?"

"Oh! Garland's forces have struck at Mateus headquarters and he is on the run."

The smile disappeared from William's face, "What! Where is he now?"

"Taking a small group of survivors to attack Garland's temporary headquarters."

"...he can't do it, can he?"

"He lacks the manpower. The information that he obtained was false; the guard at the area is far more than he can handle. Though they are not expecting him."

William rubbed his eyes, "Is there any good news?"

"One sir. Gabranth is about half an hour from here."

"Gabranth?" William looked up, "I thought he wouldn't arrive till next week?"

"His flight got sped up."

"How?"

"He put on his helmet and, forgive me for my choice of language sir, shit happened."

William smiled, "Then all we have to do is keep either of them from winning for half an hour...good!"

William stood up and headed for the door, "Take a battalion and neutralize Tertium-"

"An entire battalion? But sir it is only the boy, his guardian and his harem. And if we are to phase them from reality, then it would only take a small, elite squad."

"I know. But do it anyway."

"If that is what you wish. But what of Jacobus? He will be recalled once the base is attacked."

William paused at the door, "...Leave him to me. There are a few things I would like to know about him."

* * *

At Garland's HQ.

Like William's messenger said, half of the remaining troops Garland had was on patrol of the area.

"What do we do now sir?" a demon peered from under the manhole, "it appears the information was wrong."

Mateus clenched his teeth, "We have no choice. FORWARD!"

Mateus and his troops came out of hiding. The astonished defenders barely had time to organize as the tide swept over them.

"They're here! How did they manage to escape the entrapment! Order back Mr. Jacobus and the rest of the elite teams!" the base commander ordered.

The communication officer nodded, "Roger. Calling him back now."

Garland stepped out of his tent, "Whoa! Wasn't expecting this."

Mateus suddenly appeared and smacked him in the face with a Blizzaga spell. Garland responded by slapping Mateus so hand that it threw him off his feet.

"That was pretty bold of you Mateus," Garland smiled, "getting desperate?"

"Hmph!" Mateus stood up and lifted his staff, "This ends now!"

Mateus charged forward with murder on his mind. Garland, meanwhile, just stood there.

"That's like, the 3rd time you've said that you know?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

As for Racan, he had departed from Mateus' HQ, or former HQ, as soon as he received the orders. Now he was flying over the city streets surfing on his sword.

"Newly named! Supersonic Sword Surf!"

Racan was speeding away under the orange skies when suddenly...

Everything changed.

The sky became dark blue and purple with hundreds of stars sprinkled across them.

The buildings and roads disappeared, replaced instead by a huge open field.

Hundreds of bronze gears were buried into the ground and some even floated in the sky. Some were small, others were the size of homes and they all turned at varying speeds. Giant pendulums also hovered here and there swinging slowly. In the distance, was a huge tower on top of which was a huge clock. Inside the tower, one could see giant counterweights and a pendulum that was long enough to almost touch the ground.

Racan landed next to the giant tower. He examined it for a moment. In front of him the pendulum swung, periodically blocking the view of the wide open fields. Then turned around and once again saw the same open field.

"What the heck is this?" Racan scratched his chin, "Doesn't feel like an illusion."

He looked up to the sky, "Kinda feels like...another world altogether."

"But...there's something else here...," he said gazing back at the open fields, "No. Someone else is here..."

Behind him the pendulum swung away revealing a white coated person quietly observing the confused man.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, at Tertuim's home.

A small group of William's troops began the operation. They had already inscribed the area with a large magic circle and were now preparing the final seal.

The man preparing the seal stood in front of the door.

"Everything's almost finished," he said, "just need to-hng!"

The door suddenly opened and a giant pointed stone pillar emerged impaling him. The other troops jumped aside as the pillar flew across.

"What in the-!"

From the door, Tertium stepped out with the hooded man following close behind.

"Hmn...," Tertium observed the men standing before him, "it appears there are other forces at work in this city."

"That it seems," the hooded man began to transform into something that can be compared to Ultimecia junctioning with griever, "truly there is more to this city than meets the eye."

"Now do you question my decision to join the rebellion?"

"No. Not at all."

"Damn!" the impaled soldier smashed the pillar and stood back up, "I can see what the master meant...call in the rest of the troops! We can't let them escape!"

Suddenly an entire battalion of soldiers appeared and drew their weapons.

The hooded man smiled, "It appears their master, whoever he may be, is a careful man."

"I feel like I may want to meet him. Could you tell me who he is?"

The soldiers didn't reply.

Tertius sighed, "No answer? Then I guess I'll just beat it out of you..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Back at the unknown world.

Racan continued pondering this place he found himself in.

"Hmn...that must be it. An alternate plane of existence," Racan then realized something. The source of that strange feeling.

Racan smirked, "Well, not bad. Managing to conjure up a place like this and hiding your presence like that. But one thing though,"

He turned around and saw William, calmly standing there behind the clock tower. Today he was wearing a rather large while hat that hid the top half of his face.

"Why?"

William smirked and spoke in a low and serious tone, "That question can have a lot of meanings and by extension a lot of answers. I am afraid you're going to have to be more specific."

Racan grinned, "Smart ass huh? What's this all about?"

"Simple. There is something I have been...scheming for a while. To the others the scheme seems like a perfectly good waste of time. Well I agree with that. But nonetheless, I intend to see it finished. For now, I simply do not want either Mateus or Garland winning just yet. You, are getting in the way of that."

"Here to finish me off?"

"No no, of course not," William turned to face him, "that would be a waste. I just might have a use for you."

Racan frowned, "You know I won't do anything that-"

"I do not wish for you to cause harm and the like. I would have you restore order actually. But that of course, depends."

"Depends on what?"

William's smile broadened. But unlike his other smiles, this one was almost sinister, "I have heard you are the Invincible Hero. The Man of a Thousand Blades. The Invincible Idiot. That Damn Guy You Can Stab With Swords All You Like And It Won't Do A Thing Damnit! That last one was a bit wordy by the way. That is you right?"

Racan smirked, he had an idea where this was going, "So? What about them?"

William chuckled, "Oh nothing. I just simply want to see. How true...these names are..."

The pendulum swung between them and when it swung back up again, Racan found himself gazing at an empty field.

He looked around, then closed his eyes and smirked.

"Well! This just might be fun..."

Behind him a figure was in mid leap, sword in mid swing aiming for his neck.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At a airport half an hour's drive from the city. Gabranth walked out of the terminal and hailed a cab, a complicated thing to do when you're wearing armor and packing two swords. Finally a cab drove over.

"*** City please," he said to the driver.

"Apologies," the cab driver said, "but I have orders to take you to the downtown area."

"What for!"

"The two opposing leaders are there. We require you to provide a solution to the current problem. And besides, do you not want to restore order to that city as soon as possible?"

Gabranth thought about it for a moment, "What's the catch."

"None really. We will also provide you with help if it proves necessary," the driver turned around, "Do we have a deal?"

Gabranth grunted, "Very well. But if I don't like how this goes-"

"Feel free to attack us."

With that they drove off.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, back in that strange gear field.

William leaned on his staff panting slightly. He was bleeding from a deep wound on his right shoulder and a cut above his eyes. Around him the field lay demolished and the clock tower had been knocked over. In front of him, a figure was moving forward.

Racan wasn't exactly any better, even the armor he wore was chipped in multiple places. There were several large wounds on his arm and he had apparently broken his knuckles.

"Well," Racan said smiling, "that was fun and all but I think we're done. Did you get your answer?"

"Quite. You are indeed ridiculously broken. One last shot though."

Racan assumed a stance, "Still ain't convinced?"

"Almost," William snapped his fingers and a spell circle surrounded Racan, "Curse of Time!"

Blue light surrounded Racan. After it faded, it revealed Racan. Aged well beyond his years.

"What's-hah-is this?"

"Exactly what it says on the tin. Speeding up the flow of time around the target resulting in a accelerated aging process. I'd like to see you overcome thi-"

"WILLPOWER DE-AGE!"

There was a bright flash of light and Racan was back to being as young, being _younger_ that before.

William's mouth hung open. He gazed at the ground, scratched his chin, thought deeper.

"No matter how I look at it that is simply-"

He looked back and found Racan's fist about 20 centimeters away from his face. In a jiffy he viewed all the possible actions he could take and all the likely results of said actions. He concluded it was pointless.

"Damn," he muttered as Racan's fist impacted with his face and sent him flying. In mid flight he corrected himself and barely managed to land on his feet.

He rubbed his jaw, "Ouch. Well I guess that proves the point."

Racan appeared behind him, "What point?"

"You are indeed as invincible as they say. Putting you out of a fight by force is far too inefficient. Instead, I have a proposition."

"...what is it?"

"First know that have absolutely no intention to cause anybody harm. I would just like to see things back to being how they used to be. And I need your help with that."

"Okay. So what do you need me for?"

"In 15 minutes a judge will arrive and attempt to convince the two leaders to settle things using a snap election. It is my intention to see that go through. Though I fear that the two leaders will not listen to him."

"So...I have to help the judge convince them to have a snap election? Why fight me if that's was all you wanted?"

"To see if you can help the judge fight them off to ensure that the election goes trough."

"Makes sense," Racan then glared at him, "Are you sure your intentions aren't-"

"I am charged with the security and stability of this entire city. Do you really think I would endanger it and its residents?"

"...Okay then," Racan then grinned, "but its gonna cost you!"

"Haha, I am willing to pay."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Around 15 minute later.

Garland and Mateus had reached a stalemate. Neither one was willing to back down. Thing were about to get really dangerous when.

"You two! Stop right there!"

They turned and saw Gabranth, in full armor, marching towards them.

"Gabranth," Garland stood straight, "thought we were forgetting someone."

"What are you doing here?" Mateus called out.

"I'm here to restore order to this city! What else! I can see just what kind of a mess you morons have caused!"

"As you can see, we're already working on that," Garland turned back to Mateus, "just let us finish this fight and this city will be nice and ordered again."

"That is _not _what I meant!" Gabranth got between them, "I honestly think that we need to let this city's residents decide if they still want either of you to rule."

"How do you suggest we do that?" Mateus sneered.

"Just hold some sort of snap election! Then there'd be no need for fighting!"

"You know pal, that really isn't all that appealing," Garland replied, "I like nothing better than a good fight."

"I have no intention of handing over powers that easily too."

"Then I guess I'll just have to fight you two."

"First it's ironic that you'll resort to fighting when you implied a moment ago that you'd prefer not to fight. Second, do you seriously think you can take us both alone?"

"Who said he'd be taking you on alone?"

They looked up and saw Jacobus walking slowly towards them.

"Jacobus. What kept you?," Garland asked , "And what's with that declaration?"

Racan stopped and crossed his arms, "Something happened. And I kinda working for him now."

Garland recoiled in surprise, "You? Work for him?" he turned to Gabranth, "How the hell did you manage to afford this guy?"

Gabranth himself looked shocked, "I...have no idea what your talking about."

Jacobus smiled, "Let me put it simply. Some guy hired me to help you keep this city in order."

He summoned his swords and faced Garland and Mateus, "And that means I'm gonna have to kick your ass if you disagree with him."

Mateus backed away while Garland grinned and lifted his sword, "I've always wanted to take you on!"

Gabranth suddenly stepped forward, "Do not forget that you have to fight me too."

"You seem to be taking this lightly."

"I'd rather not look a gift horse in the mouth."

Garland cracked his knuckles, "Fine then. I'll TAKE YOU BOTH ON!"

Imagine how that ended?

In any case, the election pushed through, no surprise there, and, surprisingly enough, Mateus won the damn thing.

Garland read the paper in disappointment, "Tch, oh well." he then descended down to the bar.

He sat down and found Jacobus sitting next to him. After a tense moment or two, Jacobus held out his hand.

"No hard feelings?"

Garland took and shook it, "No hard feelings. I mean, you _are_ a mercenary."

"Still. Who could have made you that counter offer?" Jecht, having been told the story, commented.

"Don't know really," Jacobus took a drink.

"How much did that guy offer anyway?" Garland asked out of curiosity.

"An entire container ship full of cash per hour. He actually hired me until further notice. Complete with 24 hour pay."

Garland did a spit take, "WHAT! WHO ON EARTH HAS THAT MUCH MONEY!"

"The guy who hired me obviously."

"...okay granted," realization suddenly dawned on Garland, "That's it! It's gotta be him!"

Jecht asked, "Gotta be who?"

"The only one of us who's actually a millionaire! Golbez!"

The door opened and Golbez walked down, "No Garland I do not have that much money."

He sat beside Racan, "If I were to hire him on that pay plan I would be bankrupt in less than half an hour."

"My ass," Garland muttered.

"Your ass is lying. And besides, if I had that kind of money we would no longer be here."

Garland was silenced for a moment, "Okay...I'll let this one slide."

"Has anyone wondered how Mateus won that election?" Jecht brought up.

"He probably rigged it," Golbez muttered.

"My ass," Garland replied, "not under Gabranth."

"Once again your ass is lying. Think about it, between the two of you, you you are the most likely person the citizens would choose. Because your rule, though it leaves a lot to be desired, is better than Mateus' which we all know was tartar sauce."

"Then who rigged it?"

Jacobus gulped, well aware of the truth.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In William's HQ.

William bent over and picked up the newspaper. He paused, and looked to his men.

"You did remember to rig the elections right?"

"Of course sir. We also ensured that Gabranth would be unaware of it."

William smiled, "Good"


	18. Garland the Grave Keeper

Disclaimer: Okay. I am officially running out of disclaimer notes. As if you don't know who owns Dissidia already.

A/N: I guess I have a lot of explaining to do huh? I could attribute almost all of it to college life since I've been slacking off for most of the semester, I had to pick up the pace in the last three months. How do I explain the last few weeks? The words, _Dissidia [duodecim] 012 _pretty much sum it up.

* * *

Chapter 18: Garland the Grave keeper.

Okay...now that the revolutions are over and everything is back to normal and all that. Time for Garland to do something stupid again. But first, let's have a quick look at how they are all doing.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Cosmos residence.

Cloud sat at the table eating a bangle while reading the newspaper, glad that things have finally settled down again. Across him Bartz and Zidane looked like they were plotting something.

Cloud, knowing this will lead to trouble, took the initiative.

"What are you two planning?"

Bartz gave him a cheeky smile, "Nothing much."

"That smile says otherwise."

"Come on. It's not we'll drag you into it," Zidane told him.

"You better not," Cloud muttered while he lifted a cup of coffee and caught a glance of the Warrior and White Mage heading for the door.

Meanwhile in the garage, Squall pulled himself out from under the his car as he heard footsteps.

Looking around, he noticed the Warrior and White Mage standing by the door and appeared to be discussing something. While he was cleaning his hands, White Mage left. Warrior stood there for a moment, then, as he was about to enter the house, noticed Squall.

"She leaving already?"

Warrior shook his head, "She is going to visit a friend that lived in this town."

"Why on earth did that friend pick this town of all places?"

"Personal reasons," he turned to enter, paused then turned back to Squall.

"By the way I have a question. One that I would like you to answer honestly."

Squall shrugged, "Go ahead."

"My memories of the last few weeks seem to have disappeared, although I am inclined to believe that they have been erased."

Squall noticeably gulped.

"I have already asked the others. However their stories are all completely different and sometimes even contradict each other. This has only deepened my suspicion."

Squall nervously scratched the back of his head, "Weird that."

"Even Cecil and Cloud seem to be avoiding the question, so I turn to you."

He leaned closer to Squall, "What exactly happened over the past few weeks?"

Squall laughed nervously, something that fazed Warrior.

"Is something wrong Squall?"

"No! Nothing's wrong!" Squall quickly backed away.

This only drew more suspicion, "So something strange or important did happen. Tell me! What was it!"

Squall backed away even more. He had this strange feeling that the Warrior was willing to use violence to get his question answered.

Warrior frowned, "Speak."

"W-well. You see there was this- uh..." Squall hoped for a miracle right now.

"What's going on here?"

Squall silently muttered a prayer of thanks as his girlfriend appeared from the back door.

"I was simply asking Squall a question," Warrior replied without hesitation.

"Rea~lly?" Rinoa placed herself firmly between them, "If it's just that then there's no need to get violent!"

"I have absolutely no intention of harming him. I just wish to ensure that he will tell the truth."

"Well you certainly gave off the feel of being ready to use violence," Rinoa pouted, "So what's the question? Maybe I can help put this thing to rest."

"...very well. I was asking Squall to tell what has happened in the weeks since I returned since my memories have mysteriously been erased."

Rinoa raised an eyebrow, "That? You mean you don't remember the past few weeks?"

Warrior nodded, "As I said, my memories mysteriously disappeared. I was hoping you could fill me in on the events of that time."

She shook her head, "You forgot? Well then that's a shame."

Warrior raised an eyebrow, "A shame? Why?"

Rinoa smiled, "Well you looked like you were having the time of your life for one."

"The time of my life?"

Squall face palmed behind the Warrior's back while Rinoa nodded and continued.

"Yup. You were enjoying yourself all that time really thought you had changed but I guess you're back to your old self...whatever your old self was like anyway."

Rinoa then smiled again while the Warrior looked completely lost.

"Me? Having fun?" Warrior looked skeptical, "Frankly I cannot imagine myself having 'fun'."

"Well everybody thought that, but there you were enjoying yourself," she leaned to the side, "right Squall?"

"Huh? Oh yeah!...of course..."

Warrior narrowed his eyes, "Why do I get the feeling you two are attempting to deceive me?"

Rinoa looked hurt, "Ouch! That's a pretty heavy accusation! You mean you can't trust us?"

He nearly jumped back, "W-well- it is not that I do not trust it is just that..."

"Oh come on! Why don't you just let it go? It's just a couple weeks worth of memories. What have you got to lose?"

Suddenly it appeared as if a shadow had descended on the Warrior and his voice was suddenly very glum.

"Well for one who does not remember even the slightest detail about his past, not even his own _name_, a few weeks worth of memories, no matter how unbelievable or unpleasant, are truly precious..."

A _very_ long bout of silence followed. Finally, the Warrior spoke again, this time back to his normal voice.

"Well I suppose I cannot blame you as you are unaware of my predicament. As for my inquiry, I will drop it for now. But! I have still not given up on recovering those memories."

He headed for the door, there he stopped and turned back, "One last thing. The Warriors of Chaos leave has been has been extended for an indefinite period of time. As a result, our leave has been extended as well. Enjoy yourselves now."

With that he disappeared and the two people sighed in relief.

"I owe you one," Squall leaned on his car.

"Take me to that new water park and we'll call it even," she moved to a spot next to him, "though you forgot to mention he already had amnesia."

Squall shrugged, "Slipped my mind. But at least he's back to normal."

"Why was he acting the way he did for the past few weeks anyway?"

"White Mage said it had something to do with the tea he's been drinking."

"Could tea really do that to you?"

"Don't know. I was pretty surprised myself."

"What about his memory loss? And why is it so important for us to not mention anything about the previous weeks?"

"She said the memory loss was a side effect of realigning his personality and she doesn't want us to accidentally cause a relapse," Squall shuddered at the thought.

Rinoa leaned over, "Don't worry about. Though we may have to get everybody to agree on an alibi..."

"Point made," Squall stood up and stretched, "Well let's go. Looks like we're gonna be in town for a while."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Warriors of Chaos' official meeting place (Jecht's Bar.)

"What is so important as for you to suddenly call a meeting Garland?" Kuja demanded.

"And could we hurry up? I have an appointment," Ultimecia added.

"If you guys keep on asking me these questions then I'll never get to start with my announcement. So shut it," Garland then pulled out an envelope, "this is from Chaos. I just got it this morning."

The room was silent for a moment. The Golbez spoke.

"Am I to assume that this means our vacation is over?"

"We have to go home now? But I just regained my throne!"

"But more importantly, we can't go home with these two in their current states," Jecht motioned to a side of the room.

8 pairs of eyes, plus one more belonging to a tentacle, gazed at the corner of the room where Exdeath was sitting in a straight jacket while Kefka, oblivious to the fact that he was the cause of it, attempted to try and cure his "friend" of insanity.

They watched in silence for a moment.

"Though I do not really care for any of you that much," Cloud of Darkness said after a while, "There is a point to that."

"I doubt even Chaos would fail to notice the sudden change of mentality those two underwent," Sephiroth added.

"Uh guys? I still haven't opened the letter yet!" Garland suddenly thundered, "I don't even know if they're recall orders! for all we know it could be anthrax!"

He then thrust the letter towards Mateus, "That's why you'll open it."

"...you all despise me don't you?" he sneered at all of them.

"It was agreed upon unanimously during a previous meeting," Golbez checked his notes.

"A meeting! Why wasn't I notified of that meeting!"

"Duh!" Jecht exclaimed as the other warriors, bar the two at the back, nodded.

"Oh for the love of!" Mateus ripped open the letter and released a large, ominous cloud of powder onto his face. He gasped in surprise, and fell backwards unmoving.

Garland reached over and took the letter from the table, completely unconcerned about Mateus. He took a sniff and declared, "Cinnamon."

"You mean it isn't poison?" Mateus sat up again.

"Let me get this straight," Jecht leaned forward, "you thought it was poison, and nearly got yourself killed? Not fair."

"Why is that?"

"Because," Golbez pulled out another piece of paper, "according to a contract we signed during the other meeting, we should all have at least ten percent of the responsibility for killing you. Priority goes to Garland of course."

"I can't believe you all-ugh!"

Garland suddenly backhanded him. Then he spoke as if nothing had happened.

"According to this letter, it appears our vacation has been been extended."

"Why?"

"Didn't mention. I'm gonna chew his ass for that."

"How long then?" Golbez had another note ready.

"Indefinitely. Oh wait! Looks like he has a reason...that moron."

"Something the matter?" Ultimecia inquired.

"Looks like he lost _even more_ money gambling. The list includes our insurance, our health benefits, our salaries for the next three cycles and..."

Garland paused. The re read the line, "the Chaos Shrine..."

Garland exhaled, red smoke came from underneath his helm and...lit the letter on fire.

They all stared for a moment. Wondering how in the world that was supposed to make sense, until Kuja reminded Garland.

"I still have to file that. Standard procedure."

Garland blew out the flames and handed the letter to Kuja, "You go on ahead guys. I'll be busy invoking article 13."

"Sure," Jecht opened the trap door on the ceiling that led back to the bar and everybody filled out just as Garland was dressing Mateus up in a Chaos costume.

Mateus finally came through, "Uh...what are you doing Garland!"

"He's invoking article 13," Cloud of Darkness informed him.

"And what is that!"

"Simple really," Jecht stopped by the door, "In times of frustration directed at Chaos, the frustrated has the right to beat you all the way back to hell while you're wearing a Chaos costume."

"Why not just attack Chaos!" Mateus backed away from Garland, who was trying to select a knuckle.

Cloud of Darkness floated back down, "Because according to article 1. We cannot attack Chaos unless it is agreed upon by Garland."

"And frankly," Jecht climbed the ladder, "he's content with just beating you up. I suggest the one with the morning star attachment."

"Thanks," Garland mumbled as he turned to face Mateus, "don't worry. I'll clean up when I'm done."

Jecht nodded and closed the trap door. Then he turned to face Tony.

"How'd your meeting go?"

"Just-"

"UNGAHHH!"

"...fine."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At William's headquarters.

"What's the news on our loveable, except for Mateus of course, morons?" he stood on a bridge and gazed down at the river below.

"Nothing new sir. It appears they had a meeting earlier this morning and they also received a letter from Chaos."

"Really? What's in the letter?" William started walking and Captain followed.

"It appears that their leave has been extended," they stopped next to a silver bench on one side of a large garden.

"By how long?" William knelt on one foot and examined the bench.

"Indefinitely...or at least until Chaos wins back his losses."

William laughed heartily, "Well...I can imagine that's going- wait a farking second!"

He suddenly stood upright, "This! This is made of real silver!"

"Yes."

"The hell!" he threw up his arms in frustration, "I told you to use aluminum, or any other cheap metal, to build the benches and then _paint_ them silver!"

"Well plainly put sire. Why would we waste time and effort to get all those materials, build the benches, and then paint them when we could flat out order huge blocks of silver and have them carved into benches?"

"..because I told you so?"

Captain shook his head, "I require a better reason than that my lord."

William rolled his eyes, "Whatever then...what are the Warriors of Chaos doing now?"

"The usual things."

"Rephrase. What is Garland doing now?"

"Beating up Mateus."

"Doesn't he have a job?"

"Not till later this evening sir. Do you wish to know what the job is?"

"No thanks. It probably wouldn't hurt me if I didn't know."

* * *

Later, as the sun was setting, Garland drove to a large cemetery on the outskirts of town. The job he had gotten was simple really, all that it required of him was to keep an eye on the place during the night...but this is _Garland_ we're talking about here so obviously, something stupid is bound to happen.

As evening descended and the visitors began to pile out, Garland set about to do his job. He picked up a flashlight and his sword and began his patrol.

Encounter 1: Regular intruders.

Garland thought he heard some noise coming from the fence near the back. He peaked from behind a large monument and, sure enough, there were a bunch of rowdy teenagers infiltrating his place of duty.

"_What should I do with these fools?" _Garland mused to himself then a wonderful idea occurred to him. He silently slipped away.

While Garland was gone, the teens began to generally disrupt the peace and serenity of the graveyard. At some point, the decided to kick gravestones because they figured that the dead wouldn't be able to complain.

"This is fun!" one of them exclaimed as he broke another gravestone.

"You bet," another one was busy using spray paint on a large monument.

"Hey guys! Check this out!" one of them called out.

The teenagers walked over, "What is it?"

"Check out the name on the grave."

The teens peered closer and examined the writing on the gravestone.

"Whoa!" one of the jumped back in surprise, "Awesome!"

"But...why is he buried here?" one of them wondered.

"Who knows," another replied, "so long as he doesn't stand up and-"

"What's going on here?" a deep growling voice asked, "Why are you all gawking at my grave?"

They slowly, and fearfully turned around...and immediately jumped back in shock. Standing there, in a black robe and holding a candle, was a man with black skin and gray claws, with blank white eyes and wearing a headpiece with horns of various length and design. He had long white hair and spikes emerging from his shoulders. One hand was holding the aforementioned candle, the other one was holding a massive light gray sword with white cracks along the length.

"Is there something on my grave? Could've sworn I-"

"AHHHH! RUN FOR IT! HE'S GONNA KILL US!"

They ran so fast that they left dust in their tracks while Garland laughed at the top of his lungs savoring the moment.

"That's right! You'd better run!" Garland continued laughing till he noticed the mess around him.

"Man. They really messed this place up. Hey Lich! Get over here and clean up!"

Lich emerged from the shadows and mumbled, "Just because I'm undead doesn't mean I have to clean graveyards." but he nonetheless started cleaning up.

Garland, meanwhile, bent over and examined the gravestone.

"What's with this one anyway? Hmn...oh there's the name. Lets see...Jason Voorhees...or is it Vorhez?...whatever. Gotta get back to my post."

With that, Garland picked up his sword and headed back to the main gate.

Encounter 2: Late night visitors.

While at the guard house, Garland spotted some headlights in the distance.

"_Odd. It's way past visiting hours..._"he mused as they got closer.

The car stopped in front of the guard house and a man's voice called out, "Hey guard! Could ya help us out? We're kinda lost..."

Garland grinned, "so that was it huh?"

He leaned out of the window, "Sure thing budd-"

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A DEMON!" the car suddenly drove off at high speed...in reverse.

Garland hung out the window for a few seconds. Then leaned back inside.

"Okay...random but...wait a second," he pulled out a mirror...which broke moments after he saw his reflection.

"Well...oops! Gotta put my armor back on then..."

Meanwhile.

"Sir even though you were observing the speed limit, I will have to arrest you for driving backwards in the free way," officer Snafu informed the driver.

"B-but officer! There was a friki'n demon chasing us!"

"Yeah yeah, I hear that all the time. Now assume the position."

The driver sighed in surrender.

Encounter 3: Witches?

Garland was off patrolling again when he noticed something going on in the highest hill.

"The heck is that?" he approached with all the stealthiness of a jet engine on take off. Amazingly, the trio on top of the hill failed to notice. Either they were so absorbed with their work that they didn't notice or they were deaf.

As Garland approached, he could hear ominous Latin chanting.

"Great," Garland mumbled, "There's probably some sort of cult meeting around here."

When he reached the top of the hill, he discovered that it was a cult...of friki'n witches. They certainly looked the part; pointy hats, black robes, broomsticks, green skin, a moogle as a sacrifice to their dark lord...

"THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT MOOGLE!"

The trio nearly jumped out of their skin at the sound of his voice. One of them, apparently the leader if ugliness determined position, replied.

"You dare interrupt our ritual to the dark lord-!"

"THE FUCK I DO! NOW LET THAT MOOGLE GO!...I kinda buy stuff from him."

The leader didn't reply. Instead it shot a gigantic ball of lightening at Garland which, to the witches, but certainly not ours, surprise, didn't do a thing.

Garland chuckled, "Hey! I almost felt that!"

He then, almost instantly, swung his sword at the witch crushing her.

"But I bet you certainly felt this," he then turned to the others, "Who'd like to feel a little flatter next?"

But they had already fled, much to his disappointment.

"Pansies," he then freed the moogle.

"Thanks kupo! I'll be sure to remember this!"

"Then can I get a discount next time?"

"Um...I suppose kupo..."

Garland rolled his eyes, "Well okay. Get going and try not to get caught by brainless witches again okay?"

"You betcha!" and with that the moogle flew off.

"Why'd you help out the moogle?" Lich, who had appeared out of nowhere, asked.

"Like I said, I buy stuff from the guy," Garland started off, "Besides, they're lucky Branford didn't catch them."

Lich growled, "And I suppose you want me to clean up this mess?"

Garland simply gave him a thumbs up.

Encounter 4: Grave robbers(real ones).

Garland noticed something.

It appeared that some of the graves had recently been dug, refilled, and then covered with artificial grass. It was done so professionally that Garland wouldn't have normally noticed except for one thing...

"Since when was the grass black?" Garland stared in awe, "either these grave robbers are stupid, or they're color blind...gonna snare them."

The latter is actually the truth.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile our intrepid grave robber where almost finished cleaning up another one of their heists. All they had to do was place that horribly out of place grass of theirs.

"You sure this grass is green?"

"Course it is! Supplier said so himself!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"ACHOOO!"

William rubbed his nose, "Hey Captain! Are you making fun of me behind my back again?"

"No sir! I only make fun of you when I'm in front and within earshot of you!"

"Very funny."

"By the way sir, don't you have an appointment?"

"Yes I do," he consulted his watch, "and it is time to go!"

Captain watched as his master left, then realized.

"Ah that meeting place of his is where...no matter. He didn't want to know. If anything goes wrong it's his own fault."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Hey check this out!"

The other grave robber walked over, "What is it?"

"Check it out!" he pointed to a grave.

The gravestone was normal enough, but above it was a huge sign that said in bold letter, "MAGNIFICENT TREASURE BURIED HERE! DIG IT OUT IF YOU WISH."

"There must be treasure there!"

The other one felt like smacking his companion with a shovel, "No shit Sherlock. Let's get started then!"

After about a quarter of an hour digging, they reached the coffin.

"This is it man," they carefully opened the coffin.

A pair of large muscular arms emerged and wrapped themselves around the two robbers.

"Hello stupids."

Moments later, Garland was rolling green artificial grass on two newly dug graves.

"There we go.. now I'll be back for you morons in the morning...that is if I remember that I buried you...and assuming that you survived the night since I forgot to put breathing tubes."

Garland walked off laughing long and hard.

Encounter 5: Grave robbers(not so much)

Garland walked back to the area where he had scared the teens off and noticed two more digging a grave.

"What do you know, caught two in the act."

Garland quickly approached as one of then rammed a long metal spear into the person's heart.

"_The heck are they doing?" _Garland mused as he approached.

Unfortunately, these two were not stupid enough to not notice the racket his armor made. They took one glance at him, and ran off as fast as they could.

"Damn they got away," Garland muttered, "Well. Better get this thing out of hockey mask's heart here."

No sooner had Garland placed his hand on the rod that lightning stuck the spear, even though it was a clear night. This, of course, didn't faze Garland, who simply ripped the spear out and tossed it aside.

"Well that's done wi-OUCH!" Garland looked back and saw that the guy in the hockey mask was stabbing him with a machete.

"What the hell!" Garland reached over...and wrestled the machete out of his gut and the man's hand.

He lifted it to the moonlight, "Who the hell buries a perfectly good machete?"

The man struggled to get up, but Garland swung his sword and pinned him down.

"I suppose I'll consider this a proper souvenir for when I inevitably get fired," he tried to leave but the man's hand grabbed his cape.

"Huh? The hell do you want mask boy?"

"Ma-che-te..."

"...well I guess this would count as grave robbing...here ya go."

He threw it at the guys face, got out of the grave, and hurriedly buried him.

"Well guess I'll just have to find another souvenir."

Encounter 6: Encounter with Death.

A heavy mist suddenly descended the place for no apparent reason. Not that this bothered Garland.

During one of his rounds, he noticed a figure walking around. It was tall and thin, wearing a long black hooded coat, its fingers where long and thin, it had large black wings that appeared to be perpetually molting, and carried around a long thin scythe with a small lamp on one end.

"Who does he think he is? The Grim Reaper?" Garland cracked his knuckles, "Guess it's time to teach him the meaning of pain!"

Garland charged forward and leaped into the air, "DIE INTRUDER!"

The hooded man turned and spoke, his voice low and hoarse, "What in the world!"

Garland tackled him and proceeded to lay him the beat down of the century. All this noise attracted a man who had been standing behind one of the monuments waiting for his contact.

"What the hell is going on here!" William demanded. Then his mouth hung open when he saw Garland and his intruder.

"The hell! Garland get off of him!" he pulled out his sword and slashed it at empty air, a powerful gust of wind separated them and unfortunately knocked the hooded man unconscious.

"Hey! Didn't tell me you could do that!" Garland quickly stood up.

"Never mind that! The hell are you doing here!"

"I work here! The hell are _you _doing here?"

"I have..._had _an appointment with him," he motioned to unconscious man, "Do you even know who it is you just attacked?"

"An intruder that's for sure!"

William faced palmed, "That's Death you idiot! Weren't the molting wings and the scythe enough to clue you in!"

"Of course not! Death is made of bones and stuff like that! And there may or may not be a bunch of hungry dogs following him around!"

William moved a finger and a gust of wind blew the man's hood down revealing a polished skull.

Silence permeated the already quiet graveyard.

Garland scratched the back of his head, "Well...uh...oops?"

William shook his head, "You'll be lucky if you get out alive pal."

* * *

A/N: Quick and to the point. Now excuse me while I (attempt to) teach Feral Chaos the meaning of pain...


	19. PI G

William: For today's disclaimer note the author would like to have an interview with the guy who got his ass kicked-

Feral Chaos: Roar!

William: And the guys who kicked his ass.

Warrior of Light: …

Lightning: Let's just get this over with.

William: Okay! First off, how does it feel like to get your ass kicked?

Feral Chaos: Roar!

William: Hurts huh? Did you at least get something out of it?

Feral Chaos: Roar!

William: Managed to K.O. Lightning? Good for you!

Lightning: At least I took out half his HP. By the way, why did _I _have to go first?

William: Frankly, the author is better at using Warrior of Light than he is at using you. He also likes the Warrior more than you, not that he dislikes either of you.

Lightning: Then why did I have to get stuck with _HIM _of all people?

William: Because the author is best at using you two, Golbez, and Sephiroth. But you two were already at maximum level so he decided to use you two to complete the entirety of Story Mode 000.

Lightning: Why didn't he just grind the other two?

William: It would have taken too much time. And besides, his ego told him to finish all of Story Mode 000 using two characters. Plus he's biased when it come to you two.

Lightning: Well that's a pretty stupid- _Biased?_ What the hell is that supposed to mean!

William: You heard nothing!.

Warrior of Light: My pardons. But we are taking too much time here.

William (glances at watch): Hey you're right! In any case, that's it for the interview! And is you still that think the author owns Dissidia, he'll send this guy over to sic you.

Feral Chaos: Roar!

Warrior of Light: Yes. It does appear there was no purpose for the two of us appearing at all.

Lightning: Hey! Don't just ignore me!

* * *

Chapter 19: P.I. G.

And so Garland disappeared after his encounter with the weird at the graveyard. But not before placing a call.

"Hello Golbez speaking."

"...Golbez?"

"Ah Garland. What can I help you with?"

"When did you-? Never mind, it's about Kefka."

"What about him?"

"I found out that he got admitted to an asylum in the downtown area. Apparently that's the place where he was 'cured' of his insanity."

"And you want me to investigate the asylum to try and revert him?"

"Obviously. Plus knowing Chaos he won't bother with sending us a letter, he'd just teleport us back."

"And it would be a chore and a half explaining to him what happened to Exdeath and Kefka. But you do realize that there is a fee for my services?"

"Of course. And I am willing to pay it."

"Then I will get on it."

"Thanks," with that, Garland hung up.

Golbez put down the receiver and stood up from behind his old wooden desk. He stepped over the large cardboard boxes that were scattered all over the dirty, almost black, wooden floor. He made his way to one of the large blue, rusty, file cabinets in the corner of the room. He forced the top drawer open and flipped through the files. Not finding the one he needed, he closed it and began sifting through the drawer below. Outside, he heard someone, probably Sephiroth, shouting at someone else. Finally finding what he was looking for, he closed the drawer, took his coat and hat from the stand, and stepped out the door.

Outside, he glanced and the aging, almost rotting, desk that Sephiroth used for reception and found it unoccupied.

Looking around, he saw Sephiroth approaching from the emergency exit, Masamune in hand.

"More of those damned punks again," Sephiroth said after noticing Golbez, "honestly of the places you could have chosen for you office..."

"We have a request," Golbez interrupted and handed him the file, "we need visit the asylum where he was held."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and opened the file, "The request is from Garland I assume?"

"Yes."

They trotted down the rotting staircase as Sephiroth read the report all the while wondering if Golbez also had files like this one for every other person he's encountered.

After descending three flights of stairs, they exited their gray, almost 200 year old brick building and onto the sunlit streets...he just had to ask.

"Golbez I have a question. Three actually."

"Go ahead Watso- erm, I mean, Sephiroth."

"...First: why, exactly, did you turn me into your sidekick?"

"You have nothing to do and you are currently unemployed."

"But I could be spending this time screwing around with Cloud or that girl that's still stuck at the city's immigration office."

"What is more productive? That or this?"

"That."

"Not in Garland's and, I'm sure he would agree, Chaos' eyes."

"...Okay fine. Next question: why is everything in a ten feet radius of you _monochrome_?"

They stopped and looked around a bit. True enough, everything within ten feet of Golbez was rendered black and white. Sephiroth moved to a spot exactly ten feet from Golbez and stuck out half his body, which became black and...silver, to prove the point.

"I asked a favor from the Warrior of Light," Golbez the began walking again while Sephiroth caught up, "besides it does not seem to bother the residents."

"What happens if your within ten feet of a traffic light?"

"I am confident that the residents are not stupid enough to not notice which light is turned on."

"I seriously doubt that."

"What is your third question?"

"Ah yes. About your title at the moment."

"What of it?"

"Haven't you ever thought of changing it?"

"Why? **P**rivate **I**nvestigator **G**olbez is simple and straight to the point."

"...Have you ever abbreviated it?"

"Yes I have. And I see nothing wrong with it."

"It's P! I! G! It spells PIG! No wonder you don't get many clients!"

"It is spelled P I _**space **_G. There is a space between the I and G. Thus that, and your spelling are two different things."

"Most people would forgo the space."

"Then it is their fault and loss, not mine."

They continued walking until they reached one of those parking squares that you had to pay a fee to keep your car in and safe. From what Sephiroth could gather, the owner was a friend of Golbez and thus, he could keep his car there free of charge. Sephiroth was wondering what kind of person this manage wa-

"Hey there Master Golbez dood! Your car is safe and sound dood!"

"Thank you," Golbez then walked trough the gate that another prinny had opened. He turned back and noticed Sephiroth was just staring at the prinny.

"Sephiroth is something wrong?"

Sephiroth sighed and hurried over, "Forget it."

While walking through the parking lot, Sephiroth kept glancing around wondering what his friend's car would look like. Finally, Golbez approached a luxury sports car whose color Sephiroth could not determine thanks to everything around Golbez being monochrome.

Sephiroth was about to say a few words of praise for Golbez's choice of vehicles until the man squeezed, well tried to squeeze, himself into the car next to it...a friki'n _Volkswagen._

"Golbez," Sephiroth stood in front of the vehicle, "what it the hell is that!"

"A Volkswagen obviously," Golbez finally managed to get in the car...by busting out the driver's side window with his left shoulder, occupying the entire passenger's side with his right shoulder, and leaning the chair so far back it practically crushed the back seat...there was barely any room for Sephiroth in the back.

"Why the hell are you riding around in that thing!"

"Because this is the vehicle of choice in those old detective movies."

"I could swear they didn't ride any goddamned Volkswagens."

"I saw one in one of them. Now are you coming or do I have to use you as a hood ornament?"

"Do you have any idea who designed and made these cars!"

"The Germans."

"Not just any Germans! They were Nazis!"

"And your point?"

"Nazis Golbez! _Nazis_! They probably used some sort of forced labor to make this thing!"

"And what are you saying?"

"That I am not riding any vehicle made with forced labor."

Golbez sighed, "Sephiroth...first of all, the company started production before the war, ceased production when the war began, and didn't resume production 'til after the war so obviously no slave labor was used. And secondly, since when did you care?"

"Since I could use it to avoid getting crushed."

Golbez rolled his eyes, "Sephiroth if you do not get in I will run you over and use you as a hood ornament."

The silver haired man sighed and accepted defeat. He proceeded to squeeze himself into the back seat of the car. After a bit of struggling, he finally managed to squeeze himself in.

After half an hour of driving around miraculously without causing a single accident, they finally arrived at the asylum. The guard, wearing similar clothing to the rest of the staff except for a gun that would make Laguna jealous, stopped them.

"We are here to see the asylum director," Golbez explained.

"I believe that was easy enough to guess," the man motioned to the file which was lying open in the back seat.

Golbez looked back into the car, "Sephiroth that is confidential information. Do not leave it lying around for other people to view."

"Huh? What? Oh!" Sephiroth hurriedly took back the file and placed it in his coat, "Maybe you should tell me about those kinds of things earlier."

"Point," Golbez then tried to enter but was stopped by the guard, "Is something wrong? I thought you already knew of our purpose?"

"Yes I do. However," the guard motioned around, "Could you please explain to me why everything around you is black and white?"

"Part of my detective aura."

"I believe you have been watching too many vintage detective movies."

"Perhaps I am."

The man reached for the intercom and buzzed the director's office. He lifted the phone's receiver and suddenly a voice shouted, "WHAT!"

He put the receiver to his ear, "Sir there are some guests to see you."

While the guard talked to the director, Sephiroth leaned over to Golbez and whispered, "That voice just now sounded like..."

"It appears we have finally discovered his occupation," Golbez mussed.

The guard suddenly hung up and opened the door, "Please follow me."

He led the duo up 4 flights of stairs, through a corridor lined with offices that, as far a Sephiroth could tell, were empty.

"Why do you have a corridor full of empty offices?" Sephiroth couldn't help but ask.

"Those are not empty offices. They are being used as weapon stockpiles."

"Why do you have weapon stockpiles?" Golbez glanced into a room and saw AK's, M-16, RPG's, and something that looked like a miniature nuke.

"With patients like Kefka Palazzo being the norm frankly weapons are necessary."

The two men wondered what kind of patients must this place have to make people like _Kefka_ a norm.

As they approached within ten feet of the director's office a voice suddenly thundered, "Why the f**k did all my stuff suddenly turn black and white!"

"It's definitely him...," Sephiroth muttered as the guard opened the door.

Inside the room, sitting behind the desk with the nameplate that said "GOD" was the bar's resident jerkass.

"Okay..." William tilted his head back and pointed at Golbez, "the hell did you do to my color scheme?"

"Fits with my current detective persona," Golbez closed the door behind him.

"And I suppose you rode a Volkswagen?" William motioned to two chairs and they sat down.

"Yes."

William's eyes widened. He turned to Sephiroth, "How the hell did you fit in one of those?"

"I don't even want to think about that..."

William shrugged then turned back to Golbez, "Why a friki'n Volkswagen?"

"It was the vehicle of choice in those old detective movies."

"Hate to break it to you but I don't think they drove around in those," he leaned back on his chair, "besides, if you're going for the old detective look, why not go ahead and go for Sherlock Holmes? The guy's a friki'n classic."

"I do not have a Victorian era brown traveling coat, a pipe and a frock hat."

William produced the said items, "Here. Don't worry, they're brown. Right now you can't tell, but they are."

Golbez took the package and hid it in his coat, "Thank you. Now to business then. We have a few questions."

"Fire away."

"Here," Golbez motioned to Sephiroth, who produced the file and handed it to William.

He took the file and opened it, "Okay...what about the retarded f**k?"

"He was a patient here..."

"Why else would you be here?"

"As you may know the results of your treatment left him in a less that desirable state."

"I thought that how it worked. They come in deranged they come out arranged, not the other way round."

"Except for certain people."

"Why'd you let him get admitted in the first place?"

"We didn't think that any sort of treatment would work."

"In your face then."

"We want to reverse the treatment."

"So you want me to yap about trade secrets?"

"Yes."

"...Okay fine," William stood up and headed for a filing cabinet. He opened a drawer and looked for a file.

"It took us a helluva amount of time to treat the bastard," he explained, "He was resistant to basically every method we attempted."

"Not surprising from the freak," Sephiroth muttered.

"Anyway we were down to the last two options," William found the file, sat down, and opened it, "The protocol, which I wrote, stated that if the patient was resistant to all employed methods, conventional and likewise, we are to a) Kill the patient-"

"I question the ethnicality of that."

"It's for the best of the community. Or b) we rewrite the person's memories thus rewriting his personality. Guess which one we used?"

Golbez leaned forward, "So you rewrote all of his memories?"

"Basically," William handed the file to Sephiroth and continued, "we unchained his memories and then relinked them in a different order while removing a few, well a lot, and inserting some. The result was a completely new, but familiar, set of memories that then allowed a new identity to emerge."

"Sounds more complicated than the stuff I do to Cloud."

"Obviously."

"I suppose you have experts on the matter present in this building," Golbez questioned.

"Experts in the theoretical approach. Frankly this is the first time we even attempted such a treatment," William admitted.

"And you went ahead with the procedure?"

"Yes. But we hired someone who's an expert in that field," William opened a drawer and pulled out another file with the picture of a blonde girl in white with a sketchpad, "Her name's Naminé she excels in the specific art of unchaining and re-chaining memories. After a bit of hocus pocus from the technical staff, we managed to grant her the ability to thoroughly modify Kefka's memories."

"Why the need for hocus pocus?"

"Because normally she shouldn't be able to modify Kefka's memories. Him not being Sora or anyone close to him. Normally, only people who fell into those categories are affected by her abilities, so the docs had to temporarily screw up reality a bit. Don't worry, they patched things up immediately after the operation."

"So it is easy to assume that we need this Naminé to re-rearrange Kefka's memories."

"Obviously. But you need to take him here so the staff can modify reality again and oversee the procedure."

Golbez leaned back, "So where is this Naminé?"

"Not sure," William pointed to the file, "As you can look up there, she used to work for a group called Organization XIII, after certain incidents, she was freed from their service."

"At which point," Sephiroth, reading the file, continued, "she was last seen in the care of a man that who wore mostly red clothing. It says here that you encountered him in this city by chance. It was also the time when you had to make the decision on what to do with Kefka."

"Yup. We got to talking and he mentioned her and her abilities. After a bit of argument, negotiation and threats, I managed to get him to approve of borrowing her. I returned her to his care after we were done."

"Is there any information on her whereabouts now?"

"None. Though I bet that Organization XIII thingy ought to have a file or two about her and that guy in red...DiZ now I remember! DiZ!"

Golbez stood up, "Then it appears we will have to discuss things with this Organization XIII."

"Honestly pal they won't talk to you. They're more likely to kill you first ask questions later."

"Then an infiltration," he began walking towards the door, "Come Sephiroth. I may have a file or two about this Organization."

"Is there anything or anyone you don't have a file on?" Sephiroth followed.

Making sure Golbez and Sephiroth were out of earshot, William reached for the phone, "Get me the surveillance team stationed at Twilight Town."

While waiting for the call to connect, he pulled out a thick file on Organization XIII. While he was skimming it for any clues to Naminé's whereabouts, a voice replied, "What is it sir?"

"What happened to DiZ and Naminé?"

"They have gone on separate paths sir. DiZ has left and continues to seek revenge on Organization XIII, Sora and his companions have awakened and are now continuing their adventure, Riku has disappeared while Naminé was left with Axel."

"Cute. Move operations to The World That Never Was. I'll be visiting you there shortly."

"Are important events about to unfold?"

"Not exactly important, but there is something I want to observe. The big events start once Sora gets there," William hung up.

* * *

Meanwhile Golbez and his sidekick drove to the Warriors of Cosmos' residence.

"What are we doing here?" Sephiroth asked as Golbez forced himself out of the car.

"I have another favor to ask of the Warrior of Light. Stay in the car," taking the items William gave him, he left.

Now alone, Sephiroth reclined and stretched. The car was surprisingly spacious when there wasn't a 2.5 meter tall armored man inside. While lying back, he began to doze off slightly. That is of course until he noticed a familiar presence. Not Cloud's, not a Warrior of Cosmos or Chaos, but someone from his homeworld.

He smirked, leaned back up, and saw her before she saw him. He briefly considered causing some trouble but decide against it since he was so near the Cosmos residence and who knows how many where there at the moment. He had no plans of being cut to shreds at the moment. So instead, he leaned back, and dozed off.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, inside the house.

Warrior of Light moved his fingers around the air a bit, "And done."

Golbez looked around and nodded, "Thank you Warrior."

"Do not mention it," Warrior and Golbez then descended the flight of stairs both ignoring the change in the color scheme.

"Where are the other warriors?" Golbez asked, noticing that the place was mostly vacant.

"Many are out working, visiting friends, or dating. Of the current residents, only I, Cloud, Terra, Luneth and Firion are home."

"I see..."

Warrior glanced back, "Do not worry about Cecil. He's fine."

"I was not worrying..."

"Your feelings betray you," then they heard the doorbell, "Who could that be?"

They hurried to the door. Golbez arrived first and opened it, "Yes?"

Outside was a young, about the same age as Cloud, girl with black hair, a white shirt under a black zip-up vest with black shorts, and a short duster at the back extending to her not too high heels.

"Hi there. A friend of mine said he was-," she noticed the Warrior, "Oh it's you! I guess this is the right place!"

Golbez glanced at Warrior, "Is she an acquaintance of yours?"

"I cannot be sure," Warrior opened a drawer that was labeled 'previous warriors', "though this may shed some light."

He puled out a file and rapidly flipped through the pages at lightning speed, then he closed the file and placed it under his arm.

"Impressive reading speed," Golbez remarked.

"I only skimmed it," Warrior then motioned, "Please come in Miss Lockhart."

"Why are you acting so unfamiliar?" she entered the house, "Didn't we all fight together sometime ago?"

"I believe the purifications have robbed me of my memories of you," Warrior opened the file again.

"Purifi- what?"

"When all the warriors or the deity of one side falls the current cycle of conflict comes to an end. When that happens the wrym Shinryu revives the warriors at the cost of erasing their memories,"Golbez explained, "So it is not his fault that he cannot remember you. But I do believe that while we are here we will retain all the memories of our homeworlds at the very least."

"...you're a Warrior of Chaos right? Why are you here?"

"I asked a favor of the Warrior. Besides there is a ceasefire on going."

"Ceasefire? What for?"

"I believe that would be best explained later," Warrior closed the file, "Cloud could you come over here for a moment."

Cloud walked into the corridor completely oblivious, "What is it Warrio-...Tifa?"

"Yup," Tifa smiled widely, "sorry it was unannounced but I wanted to surprise you."

"No need to apologize for that," Cloud smiled softly, "Nice to see you."

"I will take my leave," Warrior entered the living room where Luneth and Terra were at.

"So will I," Golbez hurried out the door.

Sephiroth, meanwhile, was still dozing off when he was awakened by the unmistakeable sounds of Golbez's heavy footsteps. Stretching, he looked outside and fell forward in surprise.

"Is something wrong Sephiroth?"

The silver haired man looked at him incredulously, "Is that all you did? Go for a change of color schemes?"

"Yes. Monochrome is not suited for a Victorian era theme."

"And I suppose soft pastel colors are?"

"Yes," Golbez prepared to enter the car, paused, and ripped out the roof.

Sephiroth jumped in surprise, "What the hell!"

"We will be needing a change in transportation," Golbez announced as he ripped out the driver's side door.

"Are you getting something more comfortable this time?"

"Yes," Golbez sat in the driver's seat and started the engine, "Something more befitting if my new theme."

"It had better be spacious."

"Yes. It will be."

-0-0-0-0-0-

Moments later Sephiroth was facepalming.

"Is something the matter Sephiroth?" Golbez, now in the brown traveling coat and somehow holding the pipe between his lips, looked up from the file William had given them, "I thought you wanted something more spacious?"

"I didn't imagine this!"

"What is the matter? I said it would befit the Victorian era theme."

"This is a friki'n horse drawn coach!"

"Yes. It fits with the theme, is spacious, and can still travel at the speed of a normal car."

Sephiroth sighed, "The first two points I won't argue with as I should've expected them but the third...how in the world can this thing run at a hundred kilometers an hour? Did you give the horses steroids or something?"

"No. The horses are offsprings of Sleipnir."

"...let me get this straight, the four horses drawing this coach are descendants of Odin's friki'n steed?"

"Yes."

"How the hell did you get your hands on these?"

"A trader I met a few days after arriving at this city."

"Okay then, how the hell did that trader get these horses?"

"I suspect that the trader was Loki and that he had a hand in breeding the horses."

"...that explains a lot," Sephiroth glanced outside and saw their office, "looks like we're here."

The coach stopped and the door was opened, "We're here Master Golbez dood!"

"Thank you. Keep an eye on it for me," Golbez exited the black coach and was followed by Sephiroth.

"Yes sir!" the four prinnies saluted while they entered the building.

"By the way Golbez, just how many of those do you have?"

"One thousand four hundred and seventy six," Golbez replied, "would you like to know their names?"

Sephiroth wanted to ask how he could've memorized the names of that many identical penguins but he remembered who he was talking to, "No thanks."

They entered the office and Sephiroth gawked at the interior in surprise. While they were gone, someone, the penguins he assumed, had completely redecorated the place turning it into a near perfect replica of Sherlock Holmes' office in Baker Street...near perfect because...

"Golbez? Since when did Sherlock Holmes have a computer?"

"Never," Golbez opened a drawer, "It is just more convenient for us to keep the computer and the digital phone."

"Hmph. That aside," Sephiroth moved to a different drawer and started sifting through the files, "How do you intend to infiltrate this Organization XIII's headquarters?"

"I will need a distraction."

"And I suppose _I _am that distraction?"

"Yes. Do you think you can handle the thirteen members alone?"

"I won't know until I try. Though I am pretty confident."

"I'd rather not risk your death," Golbez pulled out a file on the Organization, "rather thin...it appears more information gathering is needed."

Golbez started writing a message, "There is a notebook inside the drawer of my desk. I need you to work through the contacts and see if you can gather anymore information on this mysterious organization."

"And where are you going?"

"To do some more investigation," Golbez handed the message to Sephiroth, "email this to Garland I remember him mentioning that he bought a iPhone some time ago. I'm sure he would be more than willing to help."

"Okay," Sephiroth headed to the computer while Golbez left.

"Hmn...," he started pecking away at the keyboard. After composing the message he prepared to send it.

"Let's see...what was his email address again?"

He racked his mind but couldn't remember. So he pulled out his cellphone, the same one from Crisis Core, and began strolling down the contacts.

"Let's see...G, G, Gabranth, ah here it is. Garland. Now let's see...phone number, mailing address, ah here's the email account knockyoualldown at yahoo...What?"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes a bit, "Of all the possible...never mind."

He put the address in the bar and sent the message. Then he opened the drawer and pulled out the notebook.

"Darn...," he eyed the over seven hundred contacts, "this might take a while."

* * *

The next day Golbez, still in the Victorian era clothing and accompanied by his color changing properties, and Sephiroth found themselves on top of a large skyscraper with a massive television screen on the front. The TV was replaying various memories of the two but they paid no attention to it. Instead they focused their attention to the huge ominous castle that was floating in front of them.

After a while, Sephiroth asked, "_That_ is their headquarters?"

"Yes. That is indeed the place," Golbez looked up, "the Castle That Never Was and behind it, Kingdom Hearts."

"You mean that big heart shaped moon in the sky? What is that moon anyway?"

"I have very little information on that matter," Golbez shifted his gaze to the moon, "but from what I gather, it is made of human hearts."

"How many donors did they kidnap?"

"No. No. By heart I mean, figuratively. The thing that contains emotions. Apparently in this universe the heart is a basic component of all beings and is the source of emotions, memories, will, goals and ambitions. The hearts that the organization has collected eventually merged together and formed Kingdom Hearts."

"What would they need that for?"

"Sadly I do not know. One can only wonder."

They stared at the moon for a few moments.

"So what did you find out about the organization?"

"Of the original thirteen, only seven remain. And if my information is correct, one of them isn't home at the moment."

"Only six are here? Then why did we even call Garland in to help?"

"I have heard that the remaining few are pretty powerful."

"How powerful?"

"Blow-up-the-world-without-even-trying powerful."

"And you expect us to distract six individuals like that?"

"Not all of them are that powerful."

"How comforting."

The two men turned around and saw a dark portal open behind them. From the portal a large man in a black coat with two huge black perpetually molting wings. In his right hand, the man carried a thin, about 10 centimeters, staff and attached to the end...

"Garland, that _is_ you right?" Sephiroth asked.

"Who else?"

"Just one question," Sephiroth pointed to the end of the 'scythe', "how in the world can that thin staff support _that_!"

"What? It belonged to the Grim Reaper. I reckoned it could support the weight of my sword."

"Why'd you attach your sword to it in the first place?"

"Excuse me but I believe we can discuss that later," Golbez interrupted.

"Fine," Sephiroth pulled out his single black wing and floated, "you do know why we are here right Garland?"

"Of course," the stalwart turned to Golbez, "Do you know what I love best about my new job?"

Golbez sighed, "What?"

"I CAN FLY!" Garland leaped up and shot towards the castle with Sephiroth vainly trying to keep up.

Golbez watched in silence for a moment, "Yes very cute." he waited for a second, then there was a very loud crash followed by an explosion.

"And that is my cue," he leaped off the side of the building and proceeded to infiltrate the castle.

-0-0-0-0-0-

While Golbez was looking for a back door, our dynamic duo was...well how do you imagine those two would cause a distraction?

After slaughtering lord knows how many strangely shaped things, a hooded man in a black coat showed up.

"Ah, finally!" Garland moved ahead, "I was getting tired of slaughtering these helpless mooks."

"Looks like you want to play eh?" the blonde haired man with a...blonde goatee with several piercings on his ears, "Very well. Let's get straight to the game."

"I have a suggestion," Garland charged forward, "let's play first-fist-to-the-face-wins!"

The man jumped back, swung his hand and turned Garland into a die. The die rolled towards Sephiroth who squatted and grinned evilly, "Wow so...I guess he wins?"

"Screw you," Garland's face replied as it started to roll back, "give me a hand."

"Fine," Sephiroth smirked, he drew his Masamune and turned to the man, "I'll play your game then."

"Wonderful," the man pulled out huge cards.

Meanwhile, Golbez had entered the castle through one of the huge windows overlooking the strange moon.

"Right," he looked around and entered the corridor. He wandered around a bit and found another corridor. While traversing he ran across a pair of creatures with thin, sinuous, bodies with a cylindrical head that was flat at the top. He walked right past them and they just stared at him.

"Hey that was an intruder."

"Yeah. So?"

"Shouldn't we stop him?"

"Did you see those shoulders?"

"Yeah. Man are they huge."

"And those huge ass spikes? I think those two are enough to tell us that he should not be trifled with."

"Agreed."

The two beings then left Golbez alone.

After a bit of a search, Golbez finally found what appeared to be a computer room. He pulled out a small USB and began to download any files that were even the slightest related to Naminé.

He had almost finished when he heard a cool and collected voice, "What are you doing?"

Golbez froze, he slowly turned around and calmly looked at the blue haired man with an X-shaped scar on his face wearing a black coat not dissimilar from the one worn by Garland and Sephiroth's foe.

"Just...a visitor stopping by."

The man motioned to the computer, "You seem to have quite an interest with out little Naminé."

"If I do?"

The man pulled out a huge claymore, "I will have to interfere."

"Could we not simply discuss this," Golbez glanced at the download. 5 minutes left, "you seem like the type to-"

He was interrupted by the man throwing his claymore at him and sending out blue shockwaves.

Golbez pimp slapped the sword away from the computer, "Hmn. Was I mistaken with assumptions that you were the calm and collected type?"

"Not far off really," the man replied with a growl as he summoned another claymore.

Meanwhile, Garland, returned to his normal form, and Sephiroth were gaining the upper hand. After they figured the rules of the man's game, the two used their intellect to outsmart him in his own game.

"Sure you don't want to play my game?" Garland guessed the right card again, dropped him out of the card, and smacked him in the face, "But by my count I've already won 38 times. I'm willing to reset the score though."

"Give it up already," Sephiroth sneered as he cut apart all the summoned cards, "you lose."

The man jumped back and fell to one knee, "Heh heh...looks like this is more than I can chew..."

"Any last-," Sephiroth suddenly turned around and slashed at a barrage of purple arrows.

He stood up and narrowed his eyes, "It appears we have a fresh one."

Another black coated man appeared. This one had gold eyes, pointed elf-like ears, upturned eyebrows and dark hair with several gray streaks. The man had and eyepatch covering his right eye and a large jagged scar extending from his left cheek to just under his left eye. He carried with him two strange looking guns.

"Need a hand there?" the man asked his fallen companion.

"It would be appreciated."

The newcomer laughed, "You go on back, I'll take things from here."

"Hmph. Very well. Goodbye, I enjoyed our little game," with that the blonde haired man disappeared.

"Now then," the man reloaded his guns, "Shall we?"

"Are you sure about that? You really gonna fight us on your own?" Garland readied himself.

"Perfectly sure."

"You do realize we're going to win?" Sephiroth added with a smirk.

"Ha! As if!"

Back to Golbez.

The Thaumaturge blocked another series of brutal blows and countered by dropping several meteor spells at his opponent. All the while keeping track of the time in his head.

"It's been about five minutes right?" he suddenly asked his opponent.

His opponent ignored the question and continued to attack. Golbez jumped back to the computer, grabbed his USB, fired a Sector Ray at his opponent, and used the distraction to teleport to safety.

"I wonder how those two are doing?" he wondered as he dashed towards a window. Gazing outside, he rubbed his eyes for a second and took a closer look.

On a platform near the strangely shaped moon, he could see the figures of Sephiroth and Garland engaging a black haired man while a dark skinned, silver haired man in a similar coat was approaching from behind them.

Golbez decided there was no better time than now. He pulled out a bullwhip and began to make adjustments...

Meanwhile Sephiroth and Garland continued to battle their constantly teleporting foe.

"Hahaha! This guy's not half bad!" Garland declared.

"Would you please stop complementing the enemy?" Sephiroth then sensed someone approaching. He turned around and saw the man Golbez had spotted earlier. The man paused and examined them quietly. Then he spoke,

"Might I ask you to step away from that platform."

"Make us!" Garland shifted his attention to the guy who just arrived.

"As you wish," the man teleported then reappeared behind the two men. He raised his hands and summoned a _HUGE_ amount of lasers. The man flicked his arm and dropped them all on the hapless duo.

The man with the guns reappeared and approached, "Not one to play around?"

"Never we cannot allow anyone to interfere with out plans so close to fruition."

They turned to the moon and paused sensing something amiss.

The silver haired man turned around and saw Garland and Sephiroth standing there as if waiting for something.

Garland pointed to his left horn, which had been completely blown off,"I admit. That stings."

Sephiroth examined his thoroughly torn up coat, "Do you have any idea how this and a rebonding cost?"

The scarred man laughed, "Looks like this'll be interesting afterall."

He reloaded his weapons while his companion summoned red blades from under his sleeves.

"It is _on_ now," Sephiroth threw away the coat.

Before either of them could move, Golbez swung in and dropped between the two and placed his arms over their shoulders, "Time to go."

The three of them disappeared.

After a while, the man with the guns spoke, "So...any idea who they were?"

"Does it matter?"

"Haha. I guess not..."

Meanwhile back at the dark city.

"What the hell did you do Golbez!"

"You cannot possibly be that angry because of a ruined coat and a bad hair day."

"That was my favorite coat! And it costs thousands of gill to rebond this hair!"

"Then either get a haircut or go kill some manikins," Garland lifted his scythe and pulled out a list, "now excuse me while I take out my disappointment of being unable to battle those on a guy who is approaching his expiration date."

Garland left the pair.

"Come Sephiroth. I'll help pay for fixing your hair."

"Thanks," then he noticed something, "Uh...Golbez-?"

"Yes?"

"That thing your wearing...I uh, wonder...Since when was Zorro ever a detective?"

"What?" Golbez examined his costume, "I think it suits me really."

"...Okay. So now what?"

Golbez inserted the USB into his Ipad, "Using this and some information I have gathered, it would appear that little miss Naminé is at Twilight Town. Possibly in the abandoned mansion."

"Okay. Now we know where she could be. So how do we get there?"

"Fear not," Golbez put two fingers to his mouth and whistled. Moments later, a huge black, probably wild, horse arrives.

Golbez mounted it, "Come Sephiroth!"

"...I'm not even going to ask where that thing came from," Sephiroth mounted behind Golbez.

"We ride!" and they rode off.

Meanwhile at Cromartie High School.

Hayashida ran into the classroom, "Guys we have a HUGE problem!"

"Calm down Hayashida," Kamiya advised, "Now tell us. Exactly what _is_ this problem."

"Freddie's horse! It's gone!"

There was a moment of silence. Then the whole class erupted in unison, "THAT IS A HUGE PROBLEM!"

Meanwhile(have you noticed that this word is getting used too often?) the said horse was currently parked in front of the mansion in Twilight Town eating the grass.

The two would be detectives are standing in front of the mansion's door.

"Are you ready for this?" Golbez asked his companion.

The door was suddenly blown off its hinges. Sephiroth then stepped in, Masamune in hand.

"Okay little girl if you're in here just show up already so we can call it a day!"

No response. Golbez finally stepped inside, "It appears we will have to do a thorough search."

Sephiroth sighed in frustration, "Fine."

After an hour of searching the mansion. They came to the conclusion that it had been abandoned some time ago.

Sephiroth sat on the stairs, "Now what?"

"We return to the city and try again," Golbez was about to leave when the door opened.

Much to their disappointment, it wasn't Naminé. Instead it was...

"What in F's name are you two doing here?" William closed the door behind him.

"Looking for Naminé. What are _you_ doing here?" Golbez countered.

"I was...uh...passing by?"

"Highly suspicious," Golbez motioned, "Naminé is nowhere to be found."

"Well that sucks. But I did forget to mention that we have a fail safe."

"Your official records never indicated this."

"Because we never put it in the official records. It was in my personal records."

"...Why didn''t you put it in the official ones?"

"Wouldn't want people to know that our treatments are reversible now would we? That's bad for business."

"Point. So how do we reverse Kefka?"

"Push over the edge again."

"Of a cliff and into the ocean?" Sephiroth's eyes glimmered.

"No. The figurative one. You know, break his sanity again. Once that happens his memories will be reshuffled back into their original order. The ones we removed will automatically refill return while the ones we implanted would disappear."

"How would the removed memories return if you removed them?"

"Cause we didn't remove them from his mind. We isolated them and buried them deep into his cerebral cortex."

Golbez paused for a moment, "With this it appears our investigation is at a close."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, "What?"

Golbez started for the door, "Garland instructed us to find a way to restore Kefka to his old self and we have now found it. Thank you for this information William. Though it would have been more helpful if you mentioned it to us earlier."

"Hey slipped my mind. Give a guy a break."

Golbez nodded and exited the building with Sephiroth, "Now all that is left to do is incur a sufficient enough stress on Kefka that he reverts..."

-0-0-0-0-0-

In a courtroom.

"OBJECTION!"

"...Are you finished Mr. Wright?" Kefka asked his opponent.

"Yes."

"Now then Mr. Gabranth you verdict?"

Gabranth cleared his throat, "Now as I was saying before Mr. Wright interrupted me, I hereby declare the defendant Guilty!"

A groan went up from the defense table and Phoenix's eyebrows arched together.

"Court adjourned," and Gabranth left through the back door.

"Nice job Kefka," one of his partners patted him in the back, "Not everyday someone beat that Wright in the courtroom."

"You flatter me," Kefka replied with a sincere smile, "But that guy is a strange fella."

"Nothing we can't handle. Just pray you don't go up against him while you're stressed, might drive you over the edge."

"Haha. Don't worry about me. I'll be just fine."

* * *

A/N: There another long one. See you later!

P.S: If you have suggestions for C.O.D. please tell. I am having a very hard time deciding cause I might go with C.O.D. The airline chick..


	20. Don't fear the Garland

Disclaimer: Still do not own Dissidia.

Alas, I am back. Playing FF 8 on an emulator is surprisingly addictive.

* * *

Chapter 20: Don't fear the Garland.

Garland, clad in his black coat with perpetually molting wings and carrying his walking stick/BFS amalgamation walked around in his personal tunnel of darkness heading for the next guy on his hit list. Along the way he thought about how he ended up in the predicament he was in.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

_Three days ago in the local graveyard._

"_You'll be lucky if you get out alive pal."_

_William was unusually grim and serious about this matter._

_More silence._

"_So uh...," Garland began, "what do you suggest I do?"_

_William thought for a second, "Wait till he wakes up. Then hope he's in a forgiving mood."_

_The armored man agreed._

_The next day Garland sat next to the bed of a private room at the asylum and watched the hooded figure sleep and wondered what would become of him._

_The door opened and William walked in holding a clipboard._

"_Well?" Garland inquired._

"_He's not dead. Which is lucky since if he was the Council would have your bones."_

"_What's this council thing?"_

"_Something tells me you'll find out later anyway so there's no point in me saying."_

"_...What's with the whole mysterious thing? You're not usually like this."_

"_I can be pretty serious when it comes to an matter as heavy as this. Though you should really wonder what's going to happen to you now."_

_Garland spared a glance at the sleeping figure, "Am I going to repent in the afterlife soon?"_

"_No. Ask him what he wants to do with you."_

_Garland turned and saw the hooded man getting up and rubbing his forehead. He saw Garland, frowned, turned and saw William._

"_This moron an acquaintance of yours?"_

"_Unfortunately yes," he took a seat, "I'll make things short, the 'moron' here has agreed to do what it takes to make it up to you. So, what do you want him to do?"_

"_Well I'd like to use his skin as my new carpet for a start, then I have a few more horrible things I want to do to him. But I have more pressing issues though," he sighed._

"_I guess this means I won't be heading to the afterlife anytime soon?"_

"_Unfortunately yes," the disappointment was obvious in his voice, "I need someone to fill in for me while I'm hospitalized."_

"_You should take a vacation while you're at it," William suggested._

"_That too. So," Death aimed a glare at Garland, **"YOU** are going to have to fill in for me.**"**_

"_Well uh...gee thanks but I sort of have other-"_

"_Let me explain. It's non negotiable. If you don't do it very terrible things CAN and WILL happen to you."_

_Silence for a moment._

"_Like what?"_

"_You really want to know? Fine," Death pulled Garland closer and looked him in the eye._

_The armored man suddenly screamed and scampered away in surprise._

"_What the hell!"_

"_So you gave him **that** treatment huh?" William turned to Garland, "Any more objections?"_

"_N-none."_

"_Good. You start immediately. William over here will provide you with the equipment and your hit list. Please try not to do anything stupid."_

_With that Death looked away and began reading a magazine. William stood up and helped Garland up. Together they headed for the door._

"_Like he said you start immediately. Stop by the basement you'll get the standard equipment there. The equipment being a standard issue scythe and black coat. The coat'll allow you to fly and to travel through- are you even paying attention?"_

"_Trying hard to. But there's this nagging question really. Why does the local idiot appear to be an old friend of Death?"_

"_Things that'll be explained later on. I suggest you focus on the important stuff for now."_

_Garland groaned and knew this was gonna be bad._

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

As of the moment however, Garland was actually enjoying his predicament. Sure he wasn't as free as he wanted to be, but the kickass powers sure made up for that and it wasn't like he couldn't take a short detour every now and again.

Shaking his head, he decided to focus on the task ahead. His job was ridiculously simple really; either take wandering souls to the afterlife, or to take stubborn souls who refuse to leave their bodies even though it was past their due date.

Lifting a hand, he opened a portal and stepped out. He looked around and absorbed his surroundings. Long corridor with doors on both side situated about fifteen feet from each other. In front of him was a door with a nameplate that said Ambersons.

"Yup this is the place. Time to get Thomas Ambersons then," Garland knocked at the door and began emitting that whole creepy aura thing complete with black smoke emanating from under his coat and that smell of decay you often find in graveyards.

As the door was opening, Garland switched to a deep evil voice, one complete with ominous echo, "Thomas Ambersons?"

There was scream, strangely female though. Garland swung the door open, apparently she had seen him before he had seen her and she promptly died of sheer fright.

"Another easy one!" Garland grabbed her soul, "Though who the hell names a girl Thomas?"

Suddenly a man appeared, "Hey what happened here!"

"Just taking Mr., or should I say Ms., Thomas Ambersons over here to the afterlife!"

"_I'm_ Thomas Ambersons! That's my WIFE you IDIOT!"

"What? You mean-? Oh! Well...Shit! Sorry about that pal!" Garland summoned a portal again, "I'll just be...um...going!"

As Garland was running through the portal he heard Thomas shouting, "Get back here you asshat! You'll hear from my lawyer!"

"You can't sue me! I'm death!"

* * *

After a not so harrowing escape, Garland found himself on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean.

"Let's see," he studied a map, "there's an illegal ghost ship around here somewhere and the souls have to be picked up to be put to rest..."

After aimlessly drifting for a long while, he finally noticed a ship on the horizon.

"Ah! That should be it then!"

As he approached, he noticed that the lights were bright and the place was rather lively.

"What the hell kind of a ghost ship is this? It's like they're all partying or something!" Garland climbed on board, "Well, a job's a job."

45 minutes 15 seconds and 44 milliseconds lathar!

Garland stepped into the ship's bridge, "Weird ghost ship this one. Clean, well lit, and new looking. Almost like I boarded the wrong-"

The sound of a ship's horn interrupted him and drew him to the windows. Outside, around 300 feet from the ship's starboard side, was another ship. This one however, was very much older, so old that it was practically falling apart. The paint had almost completely faded revealing a rusting hull. It also appeared to be traveling at the head of a perpetual mist.

Garland stared at it for a moment, then he shifted his gaze to the deck of the ship he was on, then back to the new vessel, then back to the deck.

"Well...there I go again damn it," Garland shrugged and walked out of the bridge, deciding that an extra boatload of souls probably wasn't a bad thing.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Garland's next destination was a familiar house on top of a hill with the swirling black clouds. After walking about halfway up the mountain, he jumped over the guardrails and started walking in the forest. If his information was correct, then there should be a secret tunnel somewhere in the side of the hill that lead into the mansion. Who dug the tunnel and for what purpose he didn't know or care, what mattered to him was that there was probably a way for him to get in and out without being noticed and, if the ominous atmosphere was anything to go by, attacked.

Making his way trough some rather tall bushes, he finally found a the tunnel entrance. It was small, so small that he probably wouldn't fit. Fortunately he had a way around that.

He moved his right arm to the side, held the end of his cloak, and closed his eyes in concentration. After a second or two, he opened his eyes and pulled on the cloak enveloping himself. The cloak swirled and compressed, then suddenly exploded into a mass of smoke. But instead of being blow away by the wind, the smoke swirled in place. Then the whole dark mass swirled around a bit before funneling itself into the tunnel.

On the other end of the tunnel, completely oblivious to what was headed his way, Mr. Hiyorimi sat on his bed reading a magazine, no not _THAT_ kind of magazine, when he heard the trap door in the middle of his room shudder. Putting the magazine aside, he reached into his drawer and pulled out a hatchet while wondering who exactly was coming.

"_Maybe I should call the others?_" he wondered as he approached the door, _"But I should be able to get the drop on him since he is coming out of the trap door."_

Shrugging, he adjusted his grip on the hatchet, placed his left hand on the trap door, and raised his other arm. After a heartbeat, he yanked open the door and prepared to strike whatever came out of the hole. Unless it was one of the mansion's residents that happened to wander into his tunnel.

Instead of finding some creature of the dark wanting to attack him, he found a large concentration of smoke.

"Huh?" he peered past the smoke and saw nothing, "weird. Maybe I was hearing things."

Standing up, he made his way back to the bed and was about to flop back down when a voice addressed him.

"Hey kid! That's right you! I've got a question!"

Mr. Hiyorimi slowly turned around and found a helmet with huge horns floating above the smoke.

They stared at each other blankly for a moment.

"Okay. First let's ignore the fact that I'm a severed helmet floating around. I just have a question."

"O-Okay..."

"Do you know a Hiro Hiyorimi?"

He tightened his grip on the hatchet, "That would be me."

"Really? Good!" a scythe that had a huge broadsword for a blade appeared next to the helmet, "Cause I'm here to kill you and to drag your screaming soul into the afterlife. Nothing personal kid, just doing my j-OUCH!"

Mr. Hiyorimi had leaped forward and buried the hatchet deep into Garland's skull. He jumped back and landed on the bed as the scythe swung towards him. To his dismay, the hatchet remained buried in the helmet and Garland didn't look the slightest bit bothered by it. Only annoyed.

"Damn you brat! That hurt!" the scythe swung again while the smoke began to condense and form Garland's body.

Mr. Hiyorimi, knowing that he wouldn't win in a fight with this guy without some help or a weapon at the very least, dived under the scythe and bolted for the door.

"Hey! Get back here you son of a submarining sandworm!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Why do I get the feeling someone just merged two of my iconic lines into a very bad one?"

"That's probably Garland. Shall we begin with the meeting Kefka?"

"By all means Golbez."

"Thank you," he now turned to the villains gathered in the secret room under Jecht's bar, "I assume you are wondering what this meeting is for so I will get to the point. It is to spread around some information we have gathered."

Mateus leaned forward, "Information about what?"

"About this town. Surely you have noticed that it is a bit out of place."

"A bit is quite the understatement really."

"Obviously Sephiroth."

"Barring that, what _is_ with this town and why did Chaos send us here?"

"Simply put, this town exists in the interdimensional rift and provides a pathway from any dimension or world to any other dimension or world."

There was a moment of silence while this information was absorbed.

"So...we're basically in the crossroads of dimensions?" Ultimecia asked.

"Yes. Simply put."

"If that's the case," Kuja motioned around him, "Why isn't this place futuristic, advanced and filled with intelligent citizens? Or at least ones with normal IQ levels."

"A valid point. But if it _was_ futuristic, advanced, and filled with geniuses, don't you think they would've started invading the other worlds and dimensions since they have such easy access to them?"

"True," Kuja admitted, "So what keeps them from advancing?"

"The Master of Time keeps them this way."

"Who?"

"The Master of Time. The true ruler of this city."

"What!" Mateus practically jumped from his seat, "Why have I never heard of this!"

"Because he would prefer to not be seen. And don't even try to bring him down. Finding him alone is hard enough, and I hear fighting him is utter suicide."

"We won't know unless we try!"

"Mateus, there is a sizable amount of evidence that he does not care what happens to the city so long as it does not threaten the other worlds. The proof is in the fact that he did nothing while you and Garland were practically tearing the city apart. He may be the true ruler of the city, but he leaves the actual ruling to the person in the mayor's office."

"True. I cannot argue about that," Mateus eased back into his seat, "but that does not mean I am very happy about it."

"Of course. Most rulers would certainly be unhappy with the thought."

"Is this the only reason for this meeting?" Cloud of Darkness asked.

"I thought it would be best to inform you of such things really."

"So...what do we do now that we know?" Sephiroth wondered aloud.

"Nothing. We continue with our business as usual though try to be more observant."

Golbez stood up and with that the meeting was over.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Back to Garland.

Now the stalwart sound himself wondering just who the hell lives in this house. So far he's encountered a werewolf, a spider deity, a little robotic maid that barely reached his knee but could still fling him around like a rag doll, and a girl wearing nothing but black whom they called a princess.

Well whatever the hell they were, they were starting to piss him off. Sure a four on one was pretty bad and he would usually enjoy this kind of thing, but he had a schedule to keep. Also, he could've sworn he's killed the guy fifteen or so times already.

Grabbing the chainsaw blade with one hand, he threw it and the astonished princess down the corridor and through the door on the other end.

"Hime!" the boy rushed towards her but Garland grabbed his face threw him through a door, into the ceiling of what appeared to be a kitchen, and for good measure, threw his sword trough the same ceiling and brought it down along with most of the floor above.

Garland stepped in and addressed the buried boy, "That ought to kill you ya pesky brat!"

He moved some slabs around and was about to yank at the boy's arm when he heard a familiar voice.

"What's with all this ruckus! Can't you see I'm trying to cook my famous soup here!"

The owner of the voice soon appeared, noticed Garland and they stood gawking at each other for a moment.

"What are you doing-Ah!" Garland was interrupted by the werewolf punching him in the back and propelling him into the refrigerator.

"You okay Red?"

"Yes Ms. Wildman. But may I ask, what in hell's name is he doing here?"

Ms. Wildman raised an eyebrow, "You know him?"

"Unfortunately yes."

"Then maybe you could answer that then," she lifted a large piece of concrete and threw it at the recovering Garland, "He just came out of nowhere and tried to kill Hiro!"

"Correction; I've already killed him sixteen times," Garland's sword propelled itself into Ms. Wildman's abdomen. Then the top part disconnected and launched her through a window, "but for some reason he just won't die so I can take his soul."

"You can keep knocking him down all you want but he'll just keep getting back up you know."

"...What?"

"I'll explain," Red Mage stood between Garland and the princess who had just appeared at the doorway, "Would you allow me to try and explain the situation princess?"

"What's there to explain? He tried to kill one of my servants; that alone is enough reason to attack him," she lifted another chainsaw, where she got those they will never know.

"But I believe there has been a misunderstanding," he insisted, "please just give me this one chance."

The princess was hesitant, but eventually nodded curtly.

"Thank you," Red Mage bowed then turned to Garland, "Now...what are you doing Garland!"

The stalwart paused his crushing of the concrete where Mr. Hiyorimi's body was buried, "Trying to force his soul out of his body so I can take it to the underworld of course!"

"But why are you even trying to take his soul!"

"I'm filling in for Death."

A silence permeated the room. Red Mage had a look of confusion on his face while the princess' eyes widened a little.

"...What?"

"Like I said I-" Garland sidestepped and grabbed the handle of his sword as it flew by him, "Thanks for returning it werelady!"

"Oh screw you!" Ms. Wildman climbed back up from the window.

"Ms. Wildman could you please calm down for a moment."

"What for!"

"I am trying to resolve this peacefully," without waiting for a replied, he turned back to Garland, "I won't question your occupation. But why Mr. Hiyorimi?"

"Obviously since it's time to meet his maker!" he pulled his hit list, ".Wait a second...according to this he should've been dead months ago!"

"Well yes he should be. But he's kind of immortal now."

"...What?"

"It's sort of the thing around here. Look I don't understand it either. All I know is you can't kill him as long as he drinks some of the princess' blood every now and again."

"...What, is your blood like an elixir of life or something!"

"Only if you were previously a corpse. Care to fulfill the requirements?" she said the last part with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"...Very funny Missy. But I can't leave here empty handed."

"I think whoever you're working for will make an exception in these circumstances."

Garland produced another list, "Hmn...hey you're right! His name is on the exemption list!"

Red Mage sighed, "So then I guess it is time for you to leave. Say hello to Warrior for me."

"Will do," Garland turned around, paused, then grabbed Mr. Hiyorimi, who had just gotten up, by the collar.

"You caught a lucky break this time kid. But mark my words; one slip up, and I _WILL_ get you."

Garland dropped him to the floor and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Red Mage sighed again. Then addressing everyone, "Now that that's been cleared up, would anyone want dinner?"

The princess gave him a hard glare, "Not until you explain what just happened."

"Over dinner? Food's getting cold."

"...fine."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Garland's next destination was a place called...the Netherworld.

His mission here was simple. So simple in fact that it was boring.

He was standing under the tall snow covered peeks beneath a curiously red moon. The moon was full tonight and, if the endless chatter of the floating green cloaked, hooded figures with him was anything to go by, something big was going to happen.

After waiting for almost an hour, Garland heard something in the distance. And it sounded like chanting.

"Akai tsuki akai tsuki"

"Tsumi wo okashita monodomo no"

One of the figures, the one Garland guessed to be the leader, moved forward, "They have arrived."

"Who has?"

"Those who's souls can finally be redeemed."

"Kegare wo kiyomeru"

"Akai tsuki"

"...You're gonna have to be blunter if you want me to understand."

"...the Prinnies."

"The wha-oh..." he noted the mass steadily approaching, "the penguin things?"

"Yes...," the spirits began herding the Prinnies and lead up the mountain.

Garland kept in pace with the leader, "So...what are we doing here anyway?"

"Koyoi wa dare ga umarekawaru"

"Guiding their souls to the moon. There they atone for their crimes and life anew."

"Koyoi wa dare ga umarekawaru"

They paused at a snowy plain directly under the red moon. There the Prinnies gathered.

Garland examined the sheer mass that had gathered, "So we're basically helping these suckers have a second chance at life?"

"Precisely."

He took a moment to watch the souls rise to the moon and listened to the chant for a bit more. Then he shook his head, "Dull as hell."

The spirit turned its head slightly, "Well you _are_ in the Netherworld."

Garland just narrowed his eyes.

* * *

Garland returned to the asylum and secretly hopped that Death and William would be forgiving of his mistakes. He hated to say it, but he liked the job.

Upon entering William's room, he was greeted by a unhappy frown. With a grunt, William motioned to a chair and Garland sat.

William clasped his hand together, "Now. Would you like to venture a guess as to why I'm displeased?"

"Uh...does it have something to do with me accidentally murdering an entire cruise ship full of people?"

"No it's-wait. WHAT!" William stood up rapidly, "I thought I told you to go to the ghost ship!"

"Well I mistook the cruise ship _for _a ghost ship! It's very confusing you know!"

William sat back down and massaged his eyebrows with one hand, "I'll let that one slide on the account of you being new on the job. _This_, however, I will not let slide."

He produced a letter and handed it to Garland. After examining it for a moment, "What's this?"

"Court summons."

Blank look, "For what?"

"You're being sued."

"Why!"

"You remember the Thomas Ambersons?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Have you seen the headlines?"

"I guess I'm about to."

William slid a newspaper towards him. The front page said in bold letters.

DEATH SUED FOR WRONGFUL DEATH

Garland stared for a moment the chuckled, "Ironic huh?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile on the other side of town.

Kefka attempted to convince himself that it was perfectly logical for his client to be suing _Death himself_ because he accidentally killed his wife.

"Yes. Of course. This all makes sense! People have the right to sue and they'll sure for anything anyway...And they'll apparently sue _anyone_ too..."

He massaged his temples and buzzed his secretary, "I have a headache. Please get me some aspirin..."

"Right away."

He hung up, stood, and paced around a little.

"Okay calm down Kefka. Surely in the depths of this law office you'll find a record of us doing something even stupider than this. Yes of course. Everything will be just fine...I just hope _HE_ stays out of the picture..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"We need a lawyer," William declared, "A good one."

"This town is full of idiots."

"But the lawyers are uncharacteristically smart," William snapped his fingers, "I know just the guy."

He picked up the phone and dialed a number, "...Hey Wright I got a job you. The usual fee...Okay. Thanks."

Garland felt rather uneasy with William smiling like that, "What are you smiling about?"

"With this our problems should be solved."

"...I hope so."

* * *

Author's Note: Okay done! I've an idea for a fic I'll be working on the concept for a while.

Trivia: There is a level 100 Feral Chaos in the 95 floor of the endless labyrinth with, the Shinryu Verus summon, Garland assist, level 100 equipment and an accessory that adds 40 to a stat that I'm not sure of, 1200 Brave, and _500% HP_...excuse me while I busy myself with my preparations...


	21. Kefka the Lawyer

Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Dissidia.

I am looking for more of the stuff I was taking when I first came up with this concept because I am seriously running out of inspiration. I've got ideas a couple more chapters, after which I'll have to do something stupid again.

* * *

Chapter 21: Kefka the Lawyer.

In the depths of the law office there was a basement room where all the records of previous and current lawsuits were filed. Sitting behind a simple black desk illuminated by a simple desk lamp was one of the firms best lawyers, Kefka Palazzo.

He was browsing through the ones stored under Supernatural/Paranormal/Abstract for any cases even _remotely_ resembling the one he was currently faced with. Much to his dismay, they had an entire file cabinet full of the stuff. They ranged from defending Count Dracula from a larceny (filed by a blood bank of course), to mass homicide by Ares (filed by _both_ sides in the conflict), to a zoning dispute with frickin Cthulhu (for raising his island in private waters), and one against _Godzilla _(for _destruction of private and public property_ in Tokyo of course).

The more Kefka read, the more ridiculous everything began to look. He just couldn't understand how mythical gods, Transylvanian legends, mutated creatures, and even _abstract concepts_ could be sued for things they are _expected_ to do. The reaction of his coworkers had not helped in the slightest.

"_This kind of things is normal?"_ he though irritably, _"just what the hell kind of place is this city for this to be normal?"_

"None of this adds up," he muttered, flipping another page, "but at least I have a precedent...ugh, my head."

Quick recap: Kefka, after leading a mob that turned half the city into a pile of smoldering wreckage, was detained into an asylum run by William. Upon proving himself to be immune to practically every method they administered, the asylum director (William) decided to rewrite his memories, effectively changing his personality. It worked really, and the mild mannered lawyer was born...unfortunately he was wired to function in the _normal _world, not a whacked up, intelligence-less, city where all the residents, bar the visitors, are obviously retards.

"Minor oversight really."

"What?"

"...nothing," William returned to eating his sundae.

Garland sat across the table "So...this Wright guy you've worked with him before?"

"Why'd you think I said 'the usual fee'? He's a damned good defense lawyer too."

"So...who's their lawyer?"

He hesitated for a moment, "Your friend...well not really."

"I have a friend who's a lawyer? Oh. Kefka."

William nodded, "He's also made himself quite the reputation in a very short amount of time."

"What kind of reputation?"

"A nasty one."

"How nasty?"

"Chew-your-ass-and-spit-it-out nasty. Fortunately the judge is also a friendly."

"Friendly judge? Don't tell me..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"All rise for the judge!"

Gabranth walked in from the back door towards the bench all the while wrestling the standard coat over his armor.

"Sit down," he sat on his high char and put on the wig thing, "we are here today to pursue the case of wrongful death filed against Mr. Garland by Mr. Thomas Ambersons. Please present your case Mr. Palazzo."

Kefka stood up and outlined their case in a good five minutes. It was simple really, his client (Mr. Ambersons) was suing his friend (Garland) for the wrongful death of his (Mr. Ambersons) wife during the period the latter was working as the replacement for Death.

Gabranth was silent, "...what is your client's plead Mr. Wright?"

"Not guilty. My client was only performing his duty at the time. And being the representative of Death should exclude him from such action."

"The law clearly states one must be held responsible for his actions," Kefka countered.

"This is a special circumstance."

"The law here is comprehensive enough to cover that."

"You can argue about the law's coverage later," Gabranth intervened sounding irritated, "back to you seats."

The two lawyers exchanged scathing glares before returning to their seats.

"Now then. I have organized this hearing in the hopes that this matter could be settled-"

"Not a chance," Kefka's client sounded like an arrogant prick, "We're not settling on anything."

"We could avoid a very messy trial that way. At least consider it," Kefka tried to reason.

"Shut up! I'm paying you to talk back _for _me not to talk back _to_ me."

The entire courtroom stilled at that. Gabranth glanced at Kefka, then at his client, then at his court reporter.

"I recorded that in case you were wondering," Sephiroth didn't look up.

Garland leaned over to William, "Geez, what an a**hole."

"Why do you think he was on the list in the first place?" he smiled rather wickedly.

The judge cleared his throat, "Well then. Since it appears that a settlement is unattainable. I guess we will have to proceed with the discovery: since this is a minor case, you have 2 weeks. "

"Minor?"

"Yes Mr. Palazzo. Minor. A quick look through the records show that," he rapped his gravel, "court is adjourned."

People began to shuffle out of their seats.

"Gotta to be the shortest court session I've ever had," William stretched a little.

"You've been to court before?" Garland waved goodbye to Wright.

"A whole friki'n lot," he eyed Sephiroth for a minute, "I think it's time we had a chat with that guy."

They followed him down a couple of corridors. He quickly rounded a corner and they did likewise. Only to find themselves staring down the tip of a seven foot long nodachi.

"Oh. It's just you," he lowered the sword, "sorry. Thought you were one of my stalkers."

"You have stalkers?"

"Strange ones. The other day there was this girl trying to make me sign some disturbing art of me doing...," he cringed at the memory, "I fail to comprehend how those girls know everything about me. One of them even recited my whole life story!"

"Wow," Garland scratched his chin, "where they like, stalking you since you were born?"

"Unlikely. I'm older than them."

"Hold on a sec, all of them are girls?"

"Yes. And they all had disturbing ideas about me and my orientations...plus the way they talked."

"What about it?"

"They talked like I was a character in a game they played..."

"The hell? How in the world does that even-What are you doing William?"

"What?" William stopped moving his hand, "can't a guy move his hands in the air in peace?"

"It looked like you were examining a wall. An invisible one."

"And knowing you there's probably an invisible wall that we're going to bump into," Garland moved forward carefully, perfectly expecting to bump into something of the sort. He however, found nothing.

"Like I said: nothing but air there," he walked past them.

The two Warriors of Chaos stared at him for a moment.

Garland turned to his companion, "Have you ever gotten the feeling that he's not telling us something?"

"Yes I have. I also feel like he's plotting something against us."

"We'll have to deal with that when the time comes..."

They then wondered just how in hell _William_, of all people, could possibly harm them.

"Yo! Are you guys coming or what!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Kefka locked his office door, sat behind his desk and massaged his forehead; so much for trying to get this settled. Now he has to endure another trial with that loud mouthed, hot blooded Wright and that new assistant/apprentice of his...what was his name? Apollo? Whatever his name was, _if_ he truly was Wright's student that only meant one thing: enough shouting to render the gods deaf and ham enough to destroy the courthouse.

He cringed at the thought but put it to one side, he needed to focus on his-

The phone suddenly rang jerking the former omnicidal maniac out of his thoughts.

"Yes what is it?"

"Sir...you uh...have _a few_ new clients..."

Kefka frowned, the fact that she had stressed the words 'a few' definitely meant there were more than 'a few'.

"Well who are they?"

"Friends and family of a cruise ship that went missing recently."

He was puzzled, "You mean the incident a few days ago?"

"Yes. The families of those who died want to file a lawsuit."

"On who!"

"...Death himself."

"...And that's why they came here?"

"Well, yes. They heard about the case you're currently working on and decided to-"

"Yes that is painfully obvious!" Kefka cut in, "But how can Death be held responsible for what happened on the cruise ship!"

"They heard from a reliable source that the ship wasn't the intended target. The reaper that reaped the souls was apparently aware that something was amiss yet opted to continue."

Kefka was dumbfounded. Sure that made sense, but _still_.

"Sir? Is everything okay?"

"Yes...nothing to worry about."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile in the local supermarket.

Warrior of Light strolled down the aisles at a brisk pace. Today was grocery day and he had drawn short straw, not that he was complaining. At least he could make sure that they get a balanced diet.

He passed down the sweets section and paused. As the name implied, everything in this section was sweet, sugary, non-nutritious, and will probably rot your teeth out. But he had to admit, they were good.

As such he found himself picking up a few packs. The occasional treat wasn't bad, but he had recently noticed that a suspiciously large amount of them disappeared on an almost daily basis. He suspected the trouble makers were sneaking snacks behind his back but he had no proof. Another suspect would be little Luneth, the boy was a warrior but still young. Another, though strange guess, would be Cloud, of all people.

Shaking his head, he put the though out of his mind. The culprit will be revealed soon anyway. The amount of sugar in the missing sweets was more than enough to induce a few cavities. So following logic, the first person to get a toothache is the culprit. But it still had to be proven.

Fortunately, he had a plan. And it involved a short visit to the clothes department.

* * *

"Mr Ambersons I believe a situation has come up."

"Well? What the hell is it?"

"As you know, this case has attracted a whole lot of attention due to the fact that we are suing Death himself. As such many people have come forward with their own set of complaints."

"What about them?"

"Well...due to the fact that it appears that this law office is the only one wiling to take such cases, all of those who have their complaints came here."

"So?"

"So what I'm saying is that we are log jammed with work!"

"Your point?"

"My point is, there are simply too many cases for the firm to handle. So we are planning on combining all the current suits, including yours, and to submit it as one in order to cut down on the work."

"And you're telling me this, why?"

"To get your approval on the plan."

"Not gonna have it."

"...What?"

"You deal with my case first. _I _hired you first. The rest of those twits can go f*** themselves."

Kefka was speechless.

His client stood up and made for his coat, "Is that all? Don't go asking me to drag my ass all the way out here if it isn't important. Got it?"

The lawyer simply sat there slack jawed.

His secretary slipped in and handed him some aspirin, "Guy's one hell of a douche huh?"

"Tell me about it," he leaned back and massaged his temples.

"What do you usually do with annoying types?"

"I kick them off floating continents laughing. Then I mess up the alignment of three statues to bring about the end of the- What the hell am I saying!"

His secretary was wide eyed, "You need a break. All this stress is getting to you."

Kefka shook his head, "I need to finish these cases."

She shrugged, "Okay. But don't push yourself okay."

"Relax. I'll be fine. Not like all the work's going to push me over the edge or something."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Wanna bet on that?"

"You're talking to sky again William."

"The sky's being awfully friendly today anyway. And: are you going to finish that ice cream?"

"Mine!" Garland then began to move the ice cream up and down over the grates of his faceplate roughly where his mouth is supposed to be. Seated across the table, William and Sephiroth snickered in amusement.

"I would comment on how this doesn't make the slightest amount of sense: but hey, it's you," Sephiroth stirred his coffee.

"What's next on your job's list Garland?" William put a little umbrella, one matching the purple one over their table, into his drink.

"Saw this add for an unused laboratory. I'm thinking of buying the place then using it to churn out some products that I can hopefully make a profit out of."

"Something tells me bad things are going to happen because of that."

"Won't know until you try!" the rest of the ice cream cone disappeared with a satisfied crunch, "By the way Sephiroth, I've been meaning to ask you."

"Yes?"

"Why do we keep seeing you all over the place? And each time with a different job to boot."

Sephiroth put down his cup, "Well, I haven't found a job to my liking yet so I help Golbez do his thing. Besides, why are you questioning my shifting of jobs when you, Garland, are the master of it?"

A laugh, "Touche Sephiroth!"

"That aside," Sephiroth leaned forward a bit, "you two seem to be awfully relaxed for a pair who just got sued."

This stopped Garland, "Hmn...you're right. Hey William, why aren't you as concerned as you were when you first heard about this?"

"Well...I have this wonderful feeling that this case is going to screw itself over."

He had this glint in his eye while he was talking. And the two Warriors of Chaos knew that it meant trouble.

* * *

The next day Kefka awoke with a splitting headache. The night before had been rough: working till very late in the evening on the piles of cases he's been forced to deal with(no thanks to that jerk Ambersons). His dreams had not been helpful in the slightest.

"_Me? An ax crazy ex-general who willing disrupted a delicate balance in order to gain the power to destroy the world? ABSURD!_"

He rolled out of bed and half dragged himself into the bathroom. He gaze into his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"This is not the face of a murderer. It truly is not!"

"Wanna bet on that?"

Kefka screamed, fell flat on his back, and scrambled to the other corner of the room.

"Who said that!"

A snicker, "You did of course. Do you see anyone else in this room?"

"W-who _are_ you?"

"Who am I? Who am I!" maniacal laughter echoed throughout the room, "Why I'm you of course! You should've realized that by now!"

"Me!"

"Of course you! We're one and the same after all."

"Impossible!"

"Geez, is this one of those lousy day time TV dramas? Would you just quit being in denial and accept it? A lot easier that way."

"No! I cannot! I will not!"

"Sigh...Fine be that way! You'll come around soon enough...Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

The ominous laughter echoed throughout the room after an excruciating period of time, finally died down.

Kefka carefully stood up and peered into the mirror; there was nothing to see but his own reflection. Then a loud noise nearly made him jump out of his pants.

The noise then repeated. And after a frantic moment, Kefka realized what it was: someone was knocking on his door.

"_Calm down you fool!"_ he straightened himself best he could. He headed for the door and hoped he looked presentable.

Waiting outside was a delivery boy carrying a small package.

"Mr. Palazzo?"

"That would be me."

"I have a package for you."

"Package? Who is it from?"

"Don't know," the delivery boy checked the box, "the return address is for a space colony."

"...A space colony?"

"Yes. A space colony," he held out the package, "look I don't get it either. Could you just take the package so we can get going?"

"...Very well then," he took the package and signed the papers. The delivery boy took them back, said thanks, and left.

Kefka opened the package and examined it: it contained a music player with remote earpiece.

"Hmn...not bad," he put on the earpiece and hit the play button, "not bad at all."

He smiled a bit, who ever sent this was considerate. He turned the player around and saw something written on its back, probably the brand or unit name.

"**Z**oning and **E**motional **R**ange **O**mitted? Never heard of it."

He shrugged and went back to his preparations.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

A few hours later at the courthouse.

"Well then, let's get this show on the road," Gabranth clasped his hands together, "Plaintiff: you have the floor."

Kefka took a deep breath and stood up. When he did, he heard a small beep. Looking around, he saw nothing that could possibly cause that small beep.

"Is something wrong Mr. Palazzo?"

"No nothing," he looked around a little more then realized, he hadn't removed the earpiece.

"Well? What're ya waiting for?" Ambersons was rapping his foot impatiently, "Get on with!"

"Mr. Ambersons, you're input is unnecessary."

"Oh screw it jud-"

"You will be held in contempt of court if you continue to disrupt the proceedings."

"...hmph," he turned back to his lawyer, "well?"

"Huh? Oh sorry!" Kefka pushed a few more buttons on the music player.

"Why won't it shut down!" he hissed, "Oh screw this!" he jammed the device back into his pocket.

In his pocket, the device buzzed and displayed: Z.E.R.O. System activated.

Interfacing with user's cerebral network...Complete.

Optimizing data parameters...Complete.

Initializing tactical analysis...Complete.

Initializing tactical data input.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

And so the trial began. Kefka started by presenting their accusations. After which Wright began to blast holes in it in the way that only he could.

During the middle of a particularly tedious discussion with Wright, Kefka suddenly heard a robotic voice in his head.

"Presenting Viable options:"

Kefka stopped in mid sentence, "Huh?"

All of a sudden, his mind was flooded with possible actions, possible results of those actions, responses to the results of those actions, and responses to that!

If there was a term for this, it would be information overload.

Kefka dropped to his knees, "Graah!"

"Kefka!" Garland was ready to run over until William grabbed his arm to which he glared.

"That's a violation of court proceedings."

The armored man gritted his teeth, "Did you have a hand in this?"

A sly smile, "What makes you say that?"

Garland grunted and sat back down while Wright edged towards the plaintiff table slightly.

"Are you okay Kefka?"

"Concerned for me Wright?" Kefka struggled to get back on his feet, "My that's strange."

"We may be on opposite sides of the court, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be concerned about each other."

Everyone nodded along with Wright's words. Well everybody except...

"What is this a daytime drama?" Ambersons jerked his head back, "Could we just get on with this already?"

The entire court glared at him hard. He, on the other hand, looked like a bored commentator.

Gabranth cleared his throat and rapped his gravel, "Let's take a 15 minute break."

The court shuffled as everyone headed for the door. Outside, Garland took William aside rather violently.

"No need to get so rough on me!"

"I'll ask once," he twisted William's arm behind his back and pinned him to the wall, "what are you up to this time?"

"Trying to give you a hand," he moved his arm from side to side in a vain attempt to escape.

"A hand in what?"

"Getting the old Kefka back," he tried again, and failed. He turned his head to try and get a better look, "Didn't you want that?"

"Of course I do. But I'm really concerned about what's going on to Kefka," he adjusted his grip, and William used that chance to slip away.

"Relax," he started to walk away, "give it a little while longer and everything will be resolved."

He laughed and headed away until he bumped into a little girl.

"Oh sorry. Didn't see you there."

The girl gave him a look that can only be described as a death glare. Then there was a glint of recognition, "Are you...Phoenix's employer?"

"Uh...yes. Why do you-"

He was cut off when the girl suddenly slapped him so hard that his head snapped backwards while his right hand flew to the back of his neck.

"OUCH!" William staggered back, "What the HELL was that for!"

"I sense...darkness in you," she glared at him a bit more, then ran off before William could respond.

Rubbing his cheek, he turned and saw Garland approaching with a big smile. Or at least, he though he was smiling.

"I'll consider that karma."

"Well., awfully convenient that karma," William rubbed his cheek, "come on. I need to get some ice on this..."

Garland laughed and accompanied William towards the clinic.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Kefka hurriedly removed the earpiece and the music player. He examined the player: it _looked_ like an ordinary player.

"There must be something more to this," he muttered. He wasn't carrying anything new except for the player and this has never happened before.

He placed the earpiece back and began fiddling with the buttons. The display flickered to life and displayed: Z.E.R.O. System active.

"Z.E.R.O. System? What is this?" Kefka began punching buttons again.

Eventually, the screen's display changed.

Data inconsistencies found...

Corrupt files found...

Delete corrupt and inconsistent data by initializing system restore?

"System restore?" he echoed. From what little he knew of computers, this meant that the computer's memory would returned to a previous state known as the restore point. It also usually resolved many kinds of problems.

"Okay then," he hit the yes button. The screen fizzled and then displayed:

Identifying problem files...Complete.

Searching for restore point...

Searching...

Searching...

Searching...

Kefka stared at the screen for a few more moments. His cellphone suddenly rang and pulled his attention to it.

"Mr. Palazzo the court is about to return to session."

"I'll be on my way," he pocketed the device, which was still searching for a restore point, and left.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Back in court the sides continued their proceedings. Until of course...

The screen blinked: Restore point found.

"The point is moot Mr. Wright. What I'm saying is-" he suddenly stopped moving, mouth hanging open.

Wright edged closer, "Mr. Palazzo? Something wrong?"

Kefka didn't reply. He just stood there, mouth hanging open.

Garland turned to William, "Okay wiseguy. Spit it. What's going on?"

"It's getting close to the time we made our exit," he started packing in all their things, "Your Honor. You might want to dismiss early."

Gabranth glared at him, "First you tell me what's wrong with Kefka."

"Nothing. In fact, he's going to be just fine."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In Kefka's mind.

Kefka, the sane one, now found himself standing in a very large, very dark room.

"What in the world-?" the sound of electronic beeping made him turn his head.

Behind him, seemingly floating in mid air, were words. And they read:

System restore point found.

Reconstructing system at restore point.

Electronic whirls and beeps were heard as one's and zero's appeared and began clump together to form a vaguely humanoid shape.

"_Judging from the accumulation of the one's and zero's, it should take roughly 3 or so minutes for this to-"_

A foot suddenly exploded from the mass of numbers. Followed by a pair of arms and a head.

Kefka watched, half amused, half terrified, as the person clawed his way out.

"Geez damn thing could even get the job done fast enough," the man's voice sounded familiar. If fact, he felt as though he's recently heard it...

"YOU!" he jabbed a finger at the man.

"Yeah? What about me?" he dusted the number off his clothes.

"You were that voice earlier in the morning!"

"And if I was," he picked some wax out of his ear.

"What is the meaning of this!"

"I'm the restore point," the man smiled, "like I said, we're one and the same."

"What!"

The man pointed to the floating words, "When it said system restore, it wasn't referring to itself. It was referring to you. The 'corrupted' files it mentioned are artificial memories that allowed you to assume the identity that you have right now."

"...Are you telling me that what I am right now is nothing more that a false identity and _YOU_ are the true me?"

"Yup."

"Utterly unbelievable."

"Believe it. Look even Garland wasn't very happy about the whole physcho clown thing, but he realized that it was necessary."

"And what's going on now?"

"That computer thingy is waiting for final approval."

Kefka looked up and noticed the words had changed.

Restore point reconstructed. Proceed with system restore?

He gazed back at the clown, "Should I really do this?"

"Yup. I'm sure everybody misses the old me."

"That's a pretty biased assesment."

"Of course it is. Now push the damn button."

"Suppose you are telling the truth, what incentive do I have to-"

"You get to kill Ambersons."

"...Really?"

"Yes. Now push the damn button."

"Certainly!" Kefka immediately pressed the yes button.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Oi! What are you doing?" Ambersons waved his hand in front of Kefka's face. Completely ignoring the fact that he's started to glow.

"What is that?"

"That would be our cue to get out of here," William motioned to Gabranth, "I think now would be a great time to adjourn court."

The good judge was about to object, but he noticed that the air around Kefka was starting to crackle, "You're right. Court is adjourned!"

Gabranth, in a feat of never before displayed speed (except maybe in EX mode), disappeared through the back door.

Garland stood up and began to summon a portal, "William you and I will have a talk about this later."

"Sure thing," he pulled Wright next to Garland, "but before I forget."

He dashed towards Kefka, pulled the music player out of his pocket, and jumped back into the portal as it was closing.

Mr. Ambersons, on the other hand, was still waving at Kefka's face.

"Yohoo! Are you in there! Oi!" he exhales deeply, "what a useless little-"

Suddenly the door burst open and Death strolled in looking ready for business.

"Ah Mr. Ambersons. There you are."

"Huh? Who the hell are you? And what the hell do you want?"

"Just here to tell you," Death held up another list, "your name's on my list again. This is a record you know."

"Huh? What the hell do you-" he was interrupted by a hand grabbing his face and turning it to the side.

"Hello there..."

This was followed by an explosion that leveled half the courthouse.

* * *

At the bar.

"Now if you're all wondering why I gathered you all here tonight," Jecht was saying while standing on his counter, "ot would be because we're here to celebrate the return of one of my good friends."

He lifted a shot of vodka, "Please join me in (re)welcoming...Kefka Palazzo!"

The bar erupted in cheers while the person in question picked his nose.

He pulled out some snot and showed it to Mateus, "Does this look radioactive to you?"

"Of course it does. It came out of your-ARRGH!" Kefka smeared it on Mateus.

"He certainly is back, " Ultimecia muttered, "Are you sure you're okay now Exdeath?"

"Yes," Exdeath, dressed in a pinstripe suit replied calmly, "In fact I'm ready to return to my...'businesses'"

"What is with the hesitation?"

"In would be most...unfortunate if you inquire as to the nature of my business at the present time."

Jecht leaned over, "Is it illegal?"

"Oh come now! I run a perfectly legal business that absolutely does not have a seemingly legal front in the form of bakeries."

Jecht and Ultimecia stared at him in silence.

"It would be most...unwise of you not to believe me," Exdeath stood up, "And on that note. I am off."

He walked out of the bar while chatting away on a black cellphone.

"That denial was suspiciously specific wasn't it Jecht?"

He shrugged, "Now that you mention it, I did notice him monkeying around in a few bakeries. Maybe he has a monopoly on the pastry business?"

"Golbez also has a bakery."

"Maybe they're competitors. And on a side note, he does?"

Before they could inquire, Garland appeared dressed in a black lab coat.

"Sorry I'm late guys. Just had to seal the deal on the lab I was buying."

"Have a drink then," Jecht slid him a mug.

"Thanks," he downed it and moved over to Kefka.

"Hey you got a minute?"

"Minute. Hour. Day. Year. I've got all the time in the world."

"Good," he took a seat, "To celebrate your return to our ranks, I have an offer for you."

"Lay it on me."

"How would you like to be my lab ra- er I mean, my lab assistant?"

"You were planning on saying lab rat weren't you?"

"...No."

"And you're planning on using me in all sorts of illegal experiments that probably involve genetics and the likes."

"...No."

"I have just one question: Does it pay?"

"...Only if we make a profit."

"I'm in."

"Might I ask why?"

"Sounds fun."

Garland grinned and extended a hand, "Good call."


	22. Garland the Scientist

Disclaimer: I do not own Dissidia or Final Fantasy. Damn you if you think otherwise.

* * *

Chapter 22: Garland the Scientist.

"Ouch!"

He practically jumped out of their bed, "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's nothing," she rubbed her cheek.

"...You don't have a cavity do you?"

"I um ah...how'd you guess."

Giggling slightly, he opened the bathroom door and idly leaned on the frame.

"What? You thought I didn't notice your sudden craving for sweets before I left?"

"They were good stuff!"

"You'll gain weight that way."

She pouted and began playfully punch him, "Meanie!"

He laughed and blocked the mock attacks. After a minute or two of what could easily be interpreted as a kindergarten cuddling match, he succeed in wrapping her arms around her torso and holding them from behind.

"No use trying," he teased as she tried to free herself.

"Okay fine. You win," she lowered her head slightly.

Then snapped it back up as quickly and as hard as she can. Expecting this, he moved his head to the side while keeping his grip firm.

"Nice try. But you're gonna have to-"

He winced as a foot suddenly impacted his erm...sensitive bits. As he crumpled to the ground, she daintily stepped over him and began to pull out some clothes from the closet.

"What was that for Tifa?"

"For being to rough on a lady," she leaned into the closet a bit more.

Grunting, Cloud got back on his feet, "I wasn't even being rough on you."

"Says the super powered SOLDIER.."

He murmured something under his breath. To which Tifa sighed, "Okay I'm sorry."

Cloud didn't say anything, then he lunged at her. She jumped back but he grabbed her legs. After some more playfulness, Cloud declared.

"I'm taking you to the dentist."

A raised eyebrow, "That's nice of you. But don't you have to take care of that little knight?"

"I can ask Terra to do it. Besides if its you I-"

"Cloud relax. I'll be just fine," she stood up, "Now get out."

Cloud's turn to raise an eyebrow, "What's with the sudden change of tone?"

"I need to put on some clothes."

Cloud giggled a little, "This after-"

"Cloud! Please!" she jammed a finger at the door and was blushing faintly.

Laughing and smiling a bit, Cloud obliged and stepped out of the room. Turning around, he found himself face to face with their stone faced leader.

"Hi there...um...how long have you been-?"

"Long enough," his expression didn't offer the slightest hint as to what he was thinking, "Should I inform Terra and Luneth that you will not be able to join them?"

"Yeah something came up. Tell them I said sorry."

A shrug, "Very well then. Quite a shame though, it seemed like Luneth was really looking forward to it."

Cloud felt a pang of guilt. He had promised the pair that he would take them to that new water park, but that was before Tifa got here.

"I guess I will just have to crush Luneth with disappointment and have Terra shoulder the terrible burden of having to cheer him up. And the reason for all that: an overreaction to a simple five minute drive to the dentist."

"...That is just low Light."

"Low? I am not attacking anyone."

"Very funny," he sighed in resignation, "Fine I'll do it. But if anything happens to Tifa while I'm gone-"

"Do you doubt her ability to keep herself safe?"

"Well-"

"Do not worry. She is a very capable warrior. I doubt anything short of the Warriors of Chaos can be a threat to her."

Cloud exhaled, "Okay then. Well guess I've got to get dressed."

He started for the bathroom, but Light called out.

"By the way. How did she get that toothache?"

"She took a liking to sweets. Told her it was bad, but..."

He nodded, "I understand."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"This is your lab?"

"Yup!" he moved a shelf and unleashed an ungodly amount of dust, "Beautiful isn't it? Got it for a low price too!"

"More like you got cheaped out."

"It's second hand," he pulled opened a curtain and unleashed even more dust, "What did you expect?"

"Ruins."

"You should lower your standards."

"And you should raise them," he fondled with some of the many broken pieces of equipment, "this is slightly better than inheriting a useless pile of junk."

A raised eyebrow, "How so."

"At least this useless pile of junk comes with four walls and a roof."

An exasperated sigh, "Do you know a better place to get discount fully functional, state of the art, laboratories?"

"Fully functional?" he reached for a microscope which immediately turned into dust upon contact, "I could get better equipment from a random hobo."

Now annoyed, he placed his hands on his hips, "Oh yeah?"

A smug smile, "Yeah."

"Then get to it."

"Fine," Kefka exited the lab and left Garland to his thoughts.

"He does have a point," he glanced at the broken equipment, "but its better than nothing."

The door opened without warning and in walked Kefka who placed a microscope on the table.

"See? The hobos outside have better equipment than what you could possibly find in this ancient junkyard."

"Don't be so quick to judge," he started moving around some of the junk.

Sighing in resignation, Kefka joined him in his endeavor. After over a quarter of an hour, Garland finally announced.

"Aha! Here's something," he pulled clear what appeared to be a large slab of rock with seemingly random stuff written on it.

He flipped it around, "What the heck is this?"

"Let me see that," he took the stone and scrutinized the lettering, "looks like ancient Hebrew or something..."

He suddenly snapped his fingers, "Aha! This is half of the Ten Commandments!"

Standing up, he headed for the trash can while saying, "Let me just put this junk here where it belongs and-"

He stopped mid step. Turning back to Garland, "What the _hell _are the Ten Commandments doing here?"

"Don't ask me. I just bought this place," he turned back to the pile, "let's see if there's anything actually useful in here."

Kefka sighed in frustration. But now though, his curiosity had taken hold: if they found something like the Ten Commandments here, what else could be waiting? Smiling softly to himself, he crouched back down.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Are you sure is the best approach?"

"Of course. Do you doubt me?"

"No. But I do question the merits of this method."

"You came here for an answer and I provided it to you. Should you not be grateful?"

"I am grateful. But-"

"Enough. Try it out and have your suspicions squashed."

The man nodded and left. Once certain that he was alone, the other one started snickering.

"Well. I believe that fulfills my evil quota for today."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"State of the art huh?"

"Well...it _was_ state of the art."

"When? A million years ago?"

Garland was about to roll off a rebuttal, but decided against it. Gathered in a not so neat pile before them were the things they had managed to pick out of the random junk in the lab floor(the other half of the Ten Commandments was never found).

Kefka reached in and pulled out a pair of sharp stones, "_This_ is your Bunsen burner?"

"What? Its cheap."

"You have to consider quality too you know."

A sigh of resignation, "Okay fine. Where do you suggest we get better equipment?"

"We could trade with hobos."

"Why hobos?"

"Because for some reason, all the great second hand stuff goes to the hobos."

"Well doesn't look like we have a choice," Garland grabbed his coat.

Outside they hailed a taxi and had it take them to the more marginalized sectors of town. Along the way, he suddenly realized.

"What do we have to offer for trade?"

Kefka lifted his eyes from his magazine, "Anything really. You could ask them to become lab rats if you wanted."

"What did you trade for the microscope?"

"A half eaten sandwich."

Garland stared at him, half amused, half disgusted as the taxi rolled to a stop. Kefka jumped off and walked two steps before saying, "Well come on Garland! The game's afoot!"

After half an hour of bribery, intimidation, extortion, and distributing free food, the two intrepid "scientists" left with a pile of equipment and an army of newly recruited lab ra- _assistants_.

Kefka noticed the stunned look on his colleague's face, "You'd be amazed at what these guys carry."

"And how is it that you know about this?"

"Being a lawyer can take you to all sorts of strange places."

"You remember?"

"For some reason, yeah. Any ideas why?"

Garland kept his ideas to himself and chose not to reply. They piled in the boxes they were carrying into the back of their pickup truck, which was assembled from parts they managed to get from the hobos, hopped in the cab, and started driving back to the lab. Stopping at a red light, Garland glanced out the driver's side window.

Gazing out, he noticed a familiar girl with black hair, in black clothes exiting from a bus, "Hey. I know that girl."

"Who?" Kefka leaned forward to see past Garland's impressive girth, "Oh her. I think she's related to that Cloud character. What was her name again...I know it starts with a T."

"Toots?" his companion put in helpfully.

"No...T...Ti-"

"Tits?"

Kefka smacked the back of his head, "NO!"

"What? It starts with a T and it fits her perfectly!"

"Didn't know you were such a perv."

"This coming from the pedophile?"

"Hey! My interest in her is purely for destructive purposes. Ah! Tifa! That's right!"

Garland leaned out the window, "Oh that's right! Now I remember! She's the reason Cloud betrayed us!"

"Damn straight," then he noticed something else, "Hey. Garland. Do you notice someone out of place?"

"Apart from the two of us in the Hobobile? No wh- Oh."

They eyed the figure that just emerged from the bus Tifa was riding.

Kefka reached for his wallet, "Ten bucks its a stalker."

"What gave it away," his friend replied dryly, "The fedora? The shin length trench coat that's probably wider than his shoulders? The gloves? The handkerchief covering his mouth? The fact that he's walking exactly 15 paces behind her? The fact that his hand are always in his pocket grasping the not so carefully concealed binoculars? Or the fact that he's wearing a completely black wardrobe in the middle of the day?"

"The blockers. Who the heck wears huge black sunglasses that completely cover the parts of your face that aren't covered by the hat and the handkerchief?"

"Someone trying hard to be unnoticed. And thus, failing at it completely."

They watched the man for a few more moments. Then Kefka suggested, "I think we should warn her."

"Why so?"

"We're on a ceasefire. Besides, this could be interesting."

"Good point," he leaned out of the window as far as he can, "Hey! Hey you! Hey! HEY! TOOTS!"

The last one caught her attention. She turned quickly turned around and at the same time, the man turned to his right and began to examine a flaming barrel. Earning the disgruntled looks of a few hobos who were using the barrel's fire for warmth.

"You looking for a fight!" she then realized who was talking to her.

"Hey there!" Garland waved from his awkward position. Completely ignoring the green light, "How you doing?"

"Erm...fine I guess," she was already suspicious, "Something I can help you with?"

"Just a friendly neighborhood Warrior of Chaos saying hi!" he started jamming his thumb towards the suspicious man.

Tifa followed the thumb and fixed her eyes on the extremely suspicious man. And realized, _"Wait a second. That's the guy from the bus."_

She ponder the possibilities for a few moments. Her thoughts were, however, interrupted by a loud horn.

"If you're done pondering our motives, you might want to get a move on before things get ugly here."

She raised an eyebrow, then turned her attention back to the man. He was still standing there alright, but the hobos were getting rowdy. They actively berating him and one had pulled out a knife.

"Right. Thanks," she waved half heartedly and was on her way. Glancing back slightly, she saw him walk away from the fire and keep an exact distance of 15 paces from her.

"Okay," she muttered to herself, "creepy."

Back at the laboratory, our intrepid duo set up their equipment. About an hour later, the hobos they had recruited or the Hobrigade, as Garland liked to call them, arrived and helped with the preparations. With their help, the place began to resemble a decent work environment.

After an hour or so of that, the group recessed. The main lab was ready for use and all that was really left to set up were some of the more obscure equipment in the other rooms. Alone in the lab, Garland and Kefka enjoyed a cup of coffee while the hobos had their lunch at the back of the lab.

"Just curious Garland: exactly what do you intend to research/invent/whatever?"

A sip, "Whatever I feel like! I mean, the title says 'scientist' after all. That practically means that I can do what ever the damn hell I want as long as in its the field of SCIENCE!"

"Uh...what? You jumped into this without even knowing what you're going to do first?"

"Yup! Isn't that how all great inventions come about?" he trumped a fist into the air, "GO SCIENCE!"

A shout echoed from somewhere in the back, "GO SCIENCE!"

Kefka sighed, there is apparently no limit to stupidity.

"So...what do you want to do?"

A shrug, "Got any ideas?"

"Well...I do know a bit about Magitek. Maybe we can start there."

"Let's go!" Garland jumped from his seat and marched over to the lab equipment.

"Do you even know what Magitek is?"

"Not a clue!" he opened a fridge and began to pull out test tubes.

"Sigh...guess I'll have to explain it then."

He put on a lab coat and pulled out a white board and a stick, "Magitek is the process of infusing magic extracted from espers into machines or living creatures. The end result is a magically infused piece of equipment or being that is capable of using magic. The equipment is usually more durable, the living beings more powerful, and both of them have the ability to use magic. Further more-Are you even listening Garland?"

"Yeah yeah. THIS shall be our test subject!" he triumphantly held said object high into the air.

"...A _blitzball_? What. The. Hell. Garland," he took it from his outstretched hand, "What is this even gonna do?"

"Who knows? Not knowing is half the fun in science."

"Garland, I'll say this once: this is not science. This is quackery."

"Half of science is quackery!"

"...I give up. Let's just get this over with."

After around an hour and a half of what can only be described as a pair of guys attempting to perform a complex process with absolutely no knowledge of it and thus failing completely almost every time, they finally succeeded in infusing a blitzball with magic without it blowing up prematurely.

Garland lifted the ball form its container and held it up to the light. He turned around, paused, then pulled a lever which opened a containment unit similar to those you find in the Magitek Research Facility. Out stumbled Kefka. Who collapsed to the ground shivering.

"I can't believe you used as the stand in for the espers!"

"Where else was I supposed to drain magic from?" he rolled the ball around a bit, "Doesn't look like anything happened..."

The clown got back on his feet, "How are you sure? You're no blitzball expert."

"And I suppose you are?"

Suddenly the door slammed open and in walked Jecht.

"Yo! How are you guys doing?"

"No I'm not," Kefka jerked a thumb at Jecht's direction, "But I bet he is."

"I'm a what?" the Blitz King was unsure if he had interrupted something important.

"Could you do us a favor Jecht," Garland tossed the ball to him, "how do you evaluate this blitzball?"

He cocked an eyebrow at them, "Into sports now huh? Let's see what you got..."

First he bounced the ball up and down. Then he rolled it across his shoulders. Then he had it spin on the tip of his finger.

"Smooth touch. Properly balanced. Weighs just about right."

He then tossed the ball high into the air, "Let's see how good you withstand a hit..."

Then he hit the blitzball as hard as he could. It promptly exploded and took out the entire room they were in. After the smoke cleared, Kefka, now sporting a funny Afro, turned to his companion, "How much magic did you put in that?"

"Enough to kill a god eight times over."

"What the hell are you going to use that for!"

"Do you mind me asking: what in Sin's name are you doing?"

They turned to Jecht, and found that he was completely unharmed.

"How are you unharmed by that?"

"I'm the Jecht. Like I asked, what are you doing?"

"Infusing objects with magic. FOR SCIENCE!" Garland then began to rummage through the half destroyed cabinets.

"Right. What are you going to use an exploding ball for?"

Garland grinned at them. They felt uncomfortable at that.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"In tonight's news: an assassination attempt on the mayor's life!"

Firion turned up the volume.

"Earlier this day at the start of the inter-city volleyball tournament, the mayor was asked to throw the opening serve."

Footsteps approached the couch, "Hey Rosebud! What's up?"

"Shh! Quiet Tidus."

"When the mayor attempted to serve, the ball promptly exploded with enough force to leave a large crater on the ground!"

"Ouch. How'd he survive that?"

"You'd be surprised at what it takes to kill that guy."

"Despite the attempt on his life, the mayor still managed to deliver the opening serve for the season and deliver a proper speech."

Firion now lowered the volume, "I'll give him this much: he can put on a tough face when needed."

A laugh, "Yeah. But hey, he _is _the mayor. He has to look good."

Firion chuckled and sat back up, "True. True."

The door opened and Tifa entered the living room.

"Hi guys," she stood near a window and peeked outside.

"Hey there," Firion cocked his head in her direction, "Something wrong?"

"Well...there's this guy that's been following me all day."

"A stalker? You sure you aren't imagining things?"

"I'm pretty sure I not imagining the guy standing under that lamppost outside in the rain."

Squall, who had been silently reading a magazine the entire time, stood up and parted the blinds with his fingers for look.

"..."

Firion muted the T.V., "Well Squall?"

"She's right," he leaned back and stroked his chin, "Guy looks like the type you see in those horror films."

Tidus jumped from his chair and joined Squall, "Hey you're right! What could he want with you?"

Tifa shrugged, "I don't know. But I do have a guess at who it is."

The sound of a car pulling up on the drive ended all further conversation. And all the warriors in the living room left, save Squall who parted the blinds again.

The group headed to the kitchen, where there was a door that lead to the garage. They arrived just in time to see Cloud, who was carrying Luneth, and Terra walk in.

"So. How was you day?"

"Great. Luneth's so tired he fell asleep on the way back," Cloud handed him to Firion.

"Still a kid this one," Firion left the kitchen and headed for the stairs.

"I need to ask you a question Cloud."

He blinked, "What's wrong Tifa?"

"There was a guy following me all day. I was thinking that it might be you. With your paranoia and everything."

His eyes widened, "Someone was following you all day!"

"I think that outraged reaction pretty much clears him," Tidus couldn't help but grin at Cloud's sudden panic attack.

"Besides, he was with us all day," Terra added.

"And also," Squall arrived from the living room, "that guy you're talking about was still standing there when they arrived. In fact, he left just a second ago."

A bit of silence followed. Cloud then grabbed his goggles, "I'm going to run that guy over."

Tifa held him back, "Now now. There's no need to kill anyone Cloud."

"Who shall be killing who?"

They turned their attention to the door and found Warrior of Light standing there, dripping wet, with a plastic bag under his arms.

"No one! No one is killing anyone," then she noticed the bag, "Uh...what have you been doing?"

"I was out. Did you not notice?"

"Nope. So where've you been?":

He lifted the rather bulky bag, "Picking up my laundry."

Terra paused in her coffee making, "Doesn't Miss Hiyorimi do our laundry?"

"Yes. However I have left some of my clothes at the laundromat before my departure and have forgotten to retrieve them when I returned."

"You. Forget something? That's a first," Tidus scribbled this down as if it was a monumental occasion.

"Is that all? I must return to my quarters," without waiting for a reply he walked past them and out of the room.

Terra moved to the door and shouted after him, "Don't forget to dry yourself before going off to bed!"

"Yes Terra."

"Don't forget to brush your teeth!"

"Yes Terra."

"Don't stay up too late!"

"Yes Terra."

"And no sneaking out in the middle of the night!"

"_Yes_ Terra."

"And don't-!"

"_Yes _Terra. I am aware of what to do and what not to be done...Thank you for your concern."

They heard a door close upstairs. She smiled to herself, turned around and saw the amused faces of her housemates.

"So...what was all that about? Exactly?"

"That? Well we all have to look after each other. And he always forgets to take care of himself."

"So you've decided that in the absence of anyone else, you'll be his substitute parent?"

"I never meant anything like that!"

"Sure. So I guess no one is safe from your motherly instincts."

"What?"

Her question was met with stiffened laughter. Even from the normally stoic Squall.

"Well I guess this is for the best. For that guy at least," Tidus headed for the door, "Bye."

"Later," Squall followed suit.

"...Okay...I'll go check up on Luneth," Terra left, slightly puzzled.

Cloud and Tifa were now left alone.

"So. How was your dentist appointment?"

"Not bad really. Doc already fixed it."

A nod, "Good. Now I need you to listen to me."

"Are you going to lecture me or something?"

"I'd like to, but I'm more concerned about Mr. Stalker. Luckily, I've got an idea."

* * *

The next day, Tifa left the house, boarded a bus, and dropped herself off with no apparent destination. All the while she was being followed by our conspicuous individual who was maintaining the usual distance. She appeared to be taking her time and was walking slowly but picked up the pace when the sky darkened and a light rain began to fall. Then all of a sudden, she turned and hurried down a dark alley. The man, surprised at this sudden development, picked the pace and darted into the alley after her. The alley was pitch black thanks to the weather and its placing between two tall buildings. That, and the speed at which he was running, were the reasons the man failed to noticed the 2 by 4 slab of metal that they called a sword if only for convenience.

He went down with a painful thud. Cloud then jumped out of his hiding place and Tifa reappeared.

"Gotcha now!" and together they attempted to subdue the man.

The man was, however, unexpectedly agile. And if one would judge from his rather precise movements, had a reasonable amount of combat experience.

"Not the typical stalker huh?"

She unleashed a fast five punch combo accompanied by Cloud suddenly dashing forward with speed that shouldn't be possible from a regular man, let alone one with a sword that big.

He nimbly dodged Tifa's punches and sidestepped Cloud's strike...only to walk straight into her roundhouse kick. It struck the area just above his left cheek, smashed the glasses to pieces, and sent his hat flying revealing silver hair. Before either of them could take a closer look, there was a sudden flash of light that temporarily blinded everyone. When the light faded, their friend was no where to be seen.

"Tch...he got away," Cloud attached the sword onto his back.

"He's a pretty good fighter for a stalker. Well I guess I won't be seeing him anytime soon though."

"I'll kill him next time."

"When did you get so violent?"

"Since we moved into this abnormal city."

The sound of trash cans being toppled over behind them interrupted what ever replies she could have made. Turning around, they saw Garland and Kefka looking at them nonchalantly while carrying bags full of what appeared to be garbage.

"Oh don't mind us," the bigger man waved his hand in dismissal, "we were just minding our own business picking up some stuff when you two charged in and then beat up a guy for walking in on you."

"Geez. We all know you two have the hots for each other, but at least have the decency to stay home!" Kefka sneered at them.

"You thought we were-? Oh God NO!"

"No? Oh. So you really don't care about decency huh? Tsk. Tsk tsk. Some Warriors of Cosmos you are."

A nod from his companion, "Light will love to hear about this."

"For the last time, This is NOT what you think it is."

"Sure it's not."

"Of course it's not! What are you guys even _doing _here!" Cloud jammed a finger in their direction.

"Well, we were quietly collecting stuff for our next project," they lifted their bags, "When Strife over here showed up, we stuck around to see what he was up to. And when Tifa over here arrived, it became rather clear what you were doing. Then that guy showed up and you beat the snot out of him for walking in on you."

"What part of what 'you got it all wrong' can you not understand?"

"Talk to the hand Strife," he motioned for them to leave, "Now beat it before I tell Light on you."

"Not until we-"

Garland whipped out a cell phone, "Where was Light's contact again?"

"Check under L. If it's not there then it at W."

"No shit Sherlock," he turned back to Cloud, "I am about to send incriminating evidence to the one man you cannot black mail."

"...You're evil Garland."

"I am a villain after all."

Cloud grumbled something incomprehensible before being led away by Tifa. Once he was they they were out of earshot, Kefka asked.

"You never had Light's number did you?"

"Why _would _I have it?"

"Blackmail?"

"Below me," he jerked his head towards the Hobobile, "Let's go."

They packed up and headed for their lab. Upon returning, they proceeded to dump all the stuff on the table.

"Hey Garland, what're we gonna do with all this trash anyway?"

"We'll make a golem out of it of course!"

"A trash Golem? Seriously? You know you can't make golems out of just anything."

"Sure you can!" he began to pull out all sorts of vials from a drawer, "I once wandered into this place where they had Fruit golems, Meat golems, Bread golems, Candied Yam golems, _Pencil golems_,and even golems made from a collapsed mineshaft!"

"...What the hell kind of place was that?"

"Some kingdom with a lousy council running it after the king got imprisimed."

"Imprisimed? What the hell is that?"

"Getting trapped in a prism of course!" he marched over to the lab's clean room, "Are you gonna help me do this or not?"

Kefka sighed, "Fine. Fine."

After an hour and a quarter of extremely complicated machinations and procedures that are related to making a golem but are so long, wordy, and complicated that I find it a pain to actually include, they succeeded in making a weird looking amalgamation of various recyclable materials that could perform basic human operations like standing, walking, mundane tasks, and kicking a hapless adventure's ass so badly they're left beaten up for 3 turns. (The references are rather blatant now eh?)

"Beautiful isn't it Kefka!" he stepped back to admire their work"

"I don't think beautiful is the right word really," he pinched his nose to block out the smell, "This thing reeks!"

"We used recycled garbage, of course it's gonna smell a bit."

"A bit? You could this thing's stench as a biological weapon!"

"That's a great idea! Let's sell it to the local Family!"

"...Do you really want chaos to engulf this city?"

"Sure I do! 1) I'm a villain and 2), more job openings might arise from that."

"That might also summon good ol' Chaos here."

"Nah. He's too busy indulging himself in his habits," he rolled his eyes and checked his watch, "Wanna go for some lunch? My treat."

"On you? Sure why not."

The two of them left the lab and never bothered to lock up. So when they returned later, Garland found that his marvelous creation was gone.

"What the _hell_ happened to my golem!"

"Looks like it was picked apart," Kefka pointed to the markings on the floor, "It looks like there was a struggle: the golem fought back with all its might."

"Who the heck could've possibly infiltrated this lab and wrestled with my golem without the hobos noticing?"

"The answer to the first: we forgot to lock up. The answer to the second: I think I saw the hobos selling some junk before we came in."

"...Why the hell did we hire hobos again?"

"They're cheap and easy to use. But you made that golem out of stuff that could probably be sold for five bucks apiece without considering that your workers were hobos and will sell anything that can be sold."

"Guess I have no one to blame but the hobos huh?"

"That's not what I-"

"Whatever! To the next plan!" A glowing aura surrounded Garland. And was accompanied by floating, blinking, letters saying "Evil Scientist Mode: ACTIVATE!"

Kefka watched in exasperation for a minute. Then whacked the letters with a broom and proceeded to sweep them out of the room. Closing the door behind him, he asked, "So what's the plan this time?"

"First we need to visit the city schools..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At the Cosmos residence's particularly spacious backyard.

Warrior of Light stood alone, gazing inside a blazing oil drum. Behind him, the door opened and Cloud strolled towards him.

"Hey Light...what are you doing?"

"Burning some organic garbage," he didn't turn around as Cloud positioned himself to his right.

"Burning? I thought you preferred burying the stuff in the compost pit?"

"Yes I do. But this is a very small amount that I generated myself."

"...Right. Anyway I have to...what happened to your face!"

Warrior, simply put, looked terrible. His left eye was blacked out. There was a rather large bruise on his left cheek and there were multiple cuts on the ridge of his nose, between his eyes, and his left cheek.

"A run in with a few thugs downtown."

"What were you doing there? Wrestling with thugs?"

"Business. On my way back I stumbled on what appeared to be a street fight."

"And you tried to break it up?"

"In a way..."

"This after you said we shouldn't put ourselves into danger willingly?" he shook his head, "So much for leading by example."

"Hmph. I admit that was a serious oversight."

Cloud kept shaking his head, "Oversight is putting it lightly. Anyway, just don't let Terra find out."

"Why so?"

"She has taken it upon herself to care for you. If she finds out about this-"

"What are you two doing here?"

The pair froze at the voice. Warrior immediately turned his head so that the left side of his face would be unseen by Terra who was striding towards them.

She noticed the fire, "Are you having a barbecue or something?"

"Terra. We do not cook barbecues over barrels."

"Would that stop you from trying?"

"...No."

"What are you looking at?"

She turned her head in the direction he was looking and blocked the sun with her hand, "I don't see anything there."

"There is nothing to see there."

"Then why are you looking there?"

"...There was something there a while ago I think."

"...You're starting to act really suspicious," she placed her hands on her hips, "Are you hiding something?"

He raised his hands defensively, "No."

"Why won't you look at me properly? You _are_ hiding something!"

She grabbed him by the cheeks, earning a loud whimper from him, and turned him around. Cloud took a few steps backwards, leaned back on a tree, and enjoyed the show.

"Warrior of Light!"

"..."

"What have you been getting yourself into!"

"I-I can explain."

"You had better!"

Cloud burst out laughing. It was, simply put, a completely one sided conversation/lecture as Terra began to admonish Warrior while the latter could do nothing more than stand there and take it. The "conversation" ended with Terra practically dragging Warrior back into the house for "proper" medical treatment.

"Oh hey! I almost forgot!" he moved from his spot, "About Luneth. You're really sending him to school?"

"Yes. It is for the best."

"Okay. Just making sure."

"By the way: when did Tifa get that toothache?"

"Before she left Edge I think. Why do you ask?"

"...Nothing. Just concerned for a fellow warrior's health."

"You should take your own health into consideration mister!"

Warrior appeared to mumble something but closed his mouth instead as he and Terra disappeared into the house.

Cloud smiled to himself and strolled back into the house. Now he mused about getting Luneth to school.

* * *

"That method did not work. The disguise was far too obvious."

"Perhaps that is true. However, I am confident that this next method will be successful."

"What is this?"

"Your newest disguise."

"This one is also a bit too obvious."

"Nonsense. Children love animal mascots."

"True. So what is this one called?"

"It goes by many names. But for our purposes its name shall be..."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Pedobear..."

"Hmn?"

"That's Pedobear out there..."

Fate lifted his eyes from the magazine he was reading, kneeled on the chair, and gazed out the window. Trailing some distance behind them, on a bicycle with balloons attached to the side, was a man in a large brown bear costume.

"Admitted. It does appear to be Pedobear. What of him?"

Luneth slunk down on his chair, "I think he's following me."

His companion followed suit, "How can you be so sure?"

"I think I saw him outside our house when I boarded the bus."

"Hmn. Well that is a point of suspicion."

"What do we do?"

"Nothing. We must have sufficient proof that he is indeed following you before we can act."

A shrug, "Fair enough."

The rest of the trip continued relatively quietly, although Pedobear was still following. Arriving at the school, the children disembarked from the bus without much enthusiasm(it was the start of the school year what did you expect?). Last to disembark was Luneth and his friend Fate. The two had met a week or so ago. After a series of strange events and happenings, they became good friends.

As they strode towards the school, Luneth cast a nervous glance over his shoulder: the bear was there across the street, watching him in a very creepy manner. When they made eye contact, he(the bear) waved at him in a slow and creepy manner. All the parents in the vicinity were dragging their kids away and some were even calling the cops.

"This has become quite the scene," Fate mussed.

"Let's go. I don't think I want to see this."

They hurried up into the school as things started to get louder. Unbeknownst to them, Mr. Bear had followed them into the building. While strolling down the corridors at a leisurely pace, Luneth noticed something: the familiar armor of Warrior's arch enemy.

"Garland!" he jabbed a finger at him, "What are you doing here!"

"Well if it isn't the little brat. Finally figured out that you still have a lot to learn huh?" the stalwart sneered.

"Of course he does," Kefka walked into view, "This little brat could really use a few more hard earned lessons!"

The two of them then burst into that maniacal laughter villains are so renowned for. They would have continued laughing if Luneth's companion didn't cut through them.

"You still have not answered his question: what are you two doing here?"

They stopped laughing and glared at Fate.

"And who are you?"

"A friend of his."

"Doesn't give you the right to but in. Now beat it!" the stalwart jerked his thumb of to the distance.

"You misunderstand: what is happening here is also a concern of mine since that is our science lab you are in and it appears that you are filching our lab equipment. As a student of this school, I cannot stand by and watch you take our equipment."

"Hmph. You got a point there kid. But! You fail to realize that we have permission from the school principal!"

"Is that so? Then perhaps you should have just informed us that your business was official and we could have avoided all this."

"Ain't no fun if you know."

"Hmph. Fine then do as you wish. We will take our leave now," he turned and left and was followed by Luneth, who stuck his tongue at them before turning around and following his friend.

Kefka stepped forward, "That one's got quite a mouth on him."

"I can see how they became friends. Let's go," he grabbed the bags and together they headed to the principal's office.

"Thanks Doc! Sorry about the sudden drop-in though."

"My pleasure. It's certainly worth the trouble," the Tarutaru jumped down from the chair, "But you'd better replace them on the double!"

"What is with that incessant rhyming?" Kefka whispered.

"That's just how she talks."

"Don't they ever get annoyed at that?"

"Why do you think she's here?"

"Figures."

"Are you two done loudly whispering? Do not think I am so far away as to not notice a thing."

"Sorry bout that," Garland headed over and examined the papers that Shantotto had placed on the table.

"If all has been made clear, then we can finish the deal by your signing here."

"Sure sure," he picked up the pen and signed the papers.

"Thank you!" she swiped the papers and rolled them, "And now I must bid you adieu!"

She practically shoved them out of her office and slammed the door very deliberately behind them. The two of them stared absently at the door for a moment.

"Well that was awfully rude," Kefka aimed a kick at the door.

"That's just how she is. Now come on," he lifted their bag of equipment and started off. After sticking his tongue at the door, Kefka followed. As they hurried down several flights of stairs, Kefka caught a glimpse of something standing in front of one of the classroom doors.

"What the hell?" he stopped, went back up, and took a better look.

"...What the hell?"

"Oi! What's going on up there!" Garland's booming voice called from below.

"...Pedobear."

"What?"

"Pedobear is standing outside one of the classroom's door while holding a bunch of balloons."

"Really?" his voice was coming closer, "I take it you want your idol's autograph."

"Yes I do find his wei- wait. WHAT!" he swung around and saw Garland's amused expression. Well, as amused as a faceplate could get.

"What? Isn't the guy your idol for-"

"Do I have to explain it again? What I was doing is only for the purposes of my plans!"

"Sure you were. But is that your only purpose?"

"Of course it is!"

Garland laughed and took a look, "Well that aside. What the hell is he doing here anyway?"

Their target had still not moved from his spot in front of the classroom door clearly visible to everyone inside.

"Obviously looking for a victim. What should we do?"

"Enjoy the show?"

"Sounds like a plan."

The found a comfortable spot on the stairs and sat down. They were too far away to actually hear anything going on but they could take a guess. After a while the teacher, a boy that could be no older that twelve with red hair wearing a green suit and sporting some tiny spectacles, opened the door to ask what he was doing.

"The kid has no idea who he is does he?" Kefka tried hard to hide his amusement.

"Probably not. Still, this could turn out interesting."

After a few moments of somewhat awkward silence, the bear made a rather..._unpleasant_ move towards the young teacher.

"He is dead now!"

But before he could grab the teacher, Fate jumped out from behind the teacher and sucker punched the bear so hard that he flew across the corridor, trough several walls and right out of the building.

"Ouch," Garland was unconsciously rubbing his jaw, "That has got to hurt."

Kefka was doing likewise, "Who would've thought that little guy could pack such a punch."

"Must be why he was so confident in talking us down," he picked up his stuff, "let's get out of here."

The continued on their trek. The descended the last few flights of stairs and exited the school trough a back door. Curiously, said back door was also being used by a fully armed S.W.A.T. Team.

Kefka turned his head 180 to get a better look, "What could the S.W.A.T. Team be doing here? Was there a terrorist threat on the place?"

"I don't know. Let me go ask," he headed towards the lone police cruiser where a familiar officer was seated barking at a radio.

"Secure the perimeter! I want teams on every exit! We'll get him this time!"

"Hey Noloe! What's going on here!"

Officer Noloe looked up with a hostile look on his face. One that was immediately softened when he realized it was Garland calling him. He stepped out of the car and offered his hand, "Hey Garland! How're you doing?"

"Just fine," he shook Noloe's outstretched hand, "If you don't mind me asking: what are you doing?"

"Well we received a report saying that one of the city's most wanted people in the city was sighted here. Knowing that it was a dangerous person, we mobilized the S.W.A.T. Teams."

"Okay. So...just who _is_ this person?"

"Actually he's-"

Their conversation was interrupted by one of Noloe's subordinates.

"Sir! We've found him! He's making a break for it!"

Noloe pulled out a pair of binoculars, "Aha!"

Garland squinted his eyes to focus on the rather bulky figure vainly escaping on a bicycle.

"...Pedobear?"

Before he could turn to ask Noloe, he heard the latter's voice, amplified by a megaphone, "There he is troops! OPEN FIRE!"

Every single cop and S.W.A.T. Personnel in the area turned sent a cascade of bullets and, would you believe it, _rockets._ For some inexplicable reason, practically every single round and rocket fired missed by a wide margin. Taking advantage of this, their target pedaled so fast that they could practically smell the burnt rubber.

"Dammit!" Noloe grabbed his radio, "All units pursue the target! I repeat! Pursue the target! This time we'll bring him in!"

"Dead or alive?"

"Nope. Just dead," he closed his cruiser's door.

"Hey! One last question."

He lowered the window, "Yes?"

"Where did you take your firing lessons?"

"The ISMA: The Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. Why?"

"...Nothing. Be on your way then. Nice seeing you again."

"Same here," he lifted his radio again, "Let's go troops!"

With a loud roar, from the engines of course, dozen of police cruisers, S.W.A.T. Vans, and even a couple of Humvees drove off, at top speed, to pursue their hapless target.

Kefka walked over, "The entire police force and _then_ some mobilized...to apprehend Pedobear?"

"Not apprehend. Kill."

"...What did he ever do to deserve that?"

A shrug, "Who knows who cares. Anyway, let's go: the mobile lab's a waiting."

"Mobile lab?"

"Yup. We won't be doing today's experiment at the lab. We'll be doing it at the place where I hope to demonstrate our product."

"And what would that place be?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Oh. Okay. Sure. Okay. Don't stay too late. No talking to strangers. And no more sweets. You know what'll happen if Light finds out. Sure. See you later. Bye."

Cloud put down the phone and sat back on the couch. Tifa leaned closer.

"Who was it?"

"Luneth," he leaned back and changed the channel, "school was canceled early due to some sort of shenanigan concerning Pedobear."

"Pedobear. You mean that Pedophile who dresses in a bear costume?"

"Yup. They called in the cops who proceeded to chase him out."

"So where'd they go now?"

"To that amusement near the edge of town."

"You're okay with that?"

"He can take care of himself," he wrapped an arm around her and they made themselves comfortable.

After a while they heard footsteps and Bartz entered the living room.

"Hey guys! Uh...what're you doing?"

"Just relaxing. Something we can help you with?"

"Oh! Terra's looking for Warrior. Have you seen him by any chance?"

"No, we haven't. But...why is Terra looking for him?"

"Well he disappeared earlier and she's worried that he might end up hurting himself again."

"Tsk...Why would he leave the house?"

"I don't know. Maybe he has some business to attend to?"

"Why would he just disappear then?"

Tifa sighed and took the remote from Cloud. She changed the channels while the two men continued to debate whether or not Warrior of Light had a reason for leaving without telling them. After a while, she stumbled across a news channel that was showing what appeared to be the entire city's police force, S.W.A.T. Unit, and a few military forces chasing a man in a brown bear costume on a bicycle. And for some inexplicable reason, the man on the bicycle was maintaining a solid lead on the poor folks chasing him.

She was about to change the channel when Cloud said, "Hey. Could you turn that up?"

She obliged. And they listened to the news.

"Following from the report earlier: the second most wanted person in the city was sighted at a local school, law enforcement has since been pursuing the dangerous individual."

"Guess Mr. Bear isn't very popular," Bartz laughed pleasantly.

"He targets little children. Of course they'd love to do him in."

"This is overkill though."

"There's no such thing as overkill."

"The police are currently engaged in a pursuit with all available man power and then some."

"Is that...a Humvee?"

The group watched in silence as the police cruisers, S.W.A.T. Vans, and that Humvee sprayed bullets at their hapless prey. As with earlier, they inexplicably miss with almost all their shots fired. The man in the lead police car muttered something to himself and was ducking back into his car when it struck a pothole large enough to get the cruiser airborne for a good five seconds or so. The force of the impact jerked the officer's still outstretched arm an fired a shot out of the gun he was still holding. The shot, even though the gun was clearly pointed at the sky, somehow managed to hit the man in the bear costume in the chest. Barely missing his heart.

"The heck? When they were all aiming for him they couldn't even graze him. And when a guy fires a shot that definitely would've missed they nail him? The hell?" Bartz scratched the back of his head in confusion and frustration.

"Nothing makes even the slightest amount of sense in this town," the ex-SOLDIER shifted in his seat.

"And here I thought you were joking."

Then a bunch of explosions echoed from the T.V. they turned back in time to see a pair of A-10's fly over the camera's shot.

"And it appears the air support requested by the police has arrived!" the reporter was saying, "although it appears that they have missed with their laser guided missiles-"

"What. The. Hell."

"Like I said Bartz: nothing makes any sense around here."

"Looks like they're coming in for another pass," she pointed out.

They turned back and saw the A-10's fly by again and this time, they emptied all their ammunition on him. And miraculously, at couple of rounds hit him and he is forced off the road.

"Finally! someone with aim!" the mime thumped a fist into the air.

"Hold up," Cloud rose from his chair, "What's that?"

They scrutinized the screen and realize that Pedobear, who had ditched his bike and was fleeing on foot, was headed towards an amusement park that was located just at the edge of the city.

Tifa realized, "Wait a second...isn't that-"

"I know," he grabbed his coat and shouted, "I'm borrowing your car Leonhart!"

"Hey! What! Why!"

Before Squall could even open his room's door, the sound of a car taking off at full speed was heard. They heard a window unlatch and the angry lion's voice roared.

"Get back here Strife!"

"Could you just let it slide? It's and emergency," Tifa reasoned.

"There's nothing going on?"

"Haven't you been watching the news?"

"I have. What about it? Last I saw it was about that dumb bear running off to an amusement park."

"Well your little knight happens to be there."

"...I thought he had classes?"

"The whole Pedobear fiasco started at his school. So they dismissed."

"...I see the emergency. Guess he'd better hurry up then."

They heard the window close. At that point, Terra entered.

"What was that noise?"

"Cloud had to go do something important," Bartz turned to her, "Any luck?"

"None at all," she then noticed what was on T.V., "What's going on?"

"Oh that," he turned back to the screen, "Just some trouble near the edge of the city."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, at said amusement park. The bear had already climbed the fence and sprinted past several tents to get away from his trigger happy pursuers. After peeking around the edge of a tent, he darted out and blended into the crowd. Unbeknownst to him, everything was being observed by Luneth and Fate.

"...He really is following me."

Fate sighed, "I guess there is no denying that now."

"Guess I should deal with him then."

"How do you intend to proceed with that?"

"I don't know. Beat him up or something."

His companion smirked, "Then let me handle this."

"I think he'll be weary of you after that incident earlier at school."

"Hmph. Do not worry, I have other methods of approaching him."

The two of them wandered deeper into the park. As they walked they noticed a stage where two familiar "scientists" were hosting a show.

"What the heck are they doing here?"

"They appear to be exhibiting their inventions and what not," Fate took a sip of his coffee.

A shrug, "Might be worth a look."

The two of them approached the stage and sat down in the back row. All the while keeping an eye out for Pedobear. On stage, the two of scientists, or perhaps a better term would be quacks, continued their demonstration. Garland poured a bunch of strangely colored chemicals into a beaker which produced an uncomfortably orange puff of smoke.

He turned back to the crowd, "Ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to demonstrate our wonderful formula: The instant growth formula!"

Producing a manikin's(the one's you see in department stores not Warrior's relatives) head out of nowhere, he sprayed some of the formula on its head. And, for some inexplicable reason, it grew hair that could be described as a combination of the Warrior of Light's, Sephiroth's, _and_ Ultimecia's hair.

"Well...that was unexpected," he mumbled to himself. Then he held the can high for the people to see, "With this wonderful product, all your hair related worries are solved!"

His assistant took a can and examined it, "Does it only work on hair?"

He was met with a shrug, "Not sure-What are you doing!"

"Finding out," and with a wicked grin, he sprayed a large amount of the stuff into his nether regions. The results were...let's just say that it made every male in the audience, well everyone except Luneth, who didn't see anything wrong with it, and Fate, who couldn't care less and focused on enjoying his coffee, grasp their nether regions in a display of insecurity.

Kefka admired his sudden growth spurt, "Now if I had some Viagra...hey!"

Garland didn't answer but instead continued spraying another can of something at his companion's growth spurt. Within moments, the growth spurt had been reversed and the men in the audience breathed a sigh of relief.

"The heck! What did you do Garland!"

"Demonstrated our other product: The shrink all formula. Now here's our last product: The Pest B Gone!"

He pulled out a red can and commenced a demonstration, "Just spray it on the object that pesters you-" he deliberately ignored the box of cockroaches and sprayed some on Kefka.

"What the hell are you doing!"

"And watch it disintegrate in a violent explosion before your very eyes!"

"What the! You sonofa-!"

There was an extremely bright flash of light accompanied by a tremendous zapping sound and a violent explosion (just like he promised). When the light died down and the dust cleared, Kefka was nowhere to be found.

"Guaranteed satisfaction!" he gave the crowd a thumbs up.

A blackened hand suddenly grabbed the can from Garland's hip and sprayed it on the knight. Startled, he turned to his side and saw hid impromptu test subject angrily glaring at him.

Before he could even open his mouth, there was a bright light and another explosion. Once everything cleared again, the clown looked triumphantly at the blacked spot where his companion stood moments ago.

"Submariner," finishing his insult earlier, "If any of you are interested in our products, step forward and fork over some cash."

The crowd moved forward, most of them interested in Pest-B-Gone concoction. Luneth and Fate instead wandered away. After a tour of the amusement park that lasted around half an hour, Fate motioned to his companion.

"Could you excuse me for a moment?"

"Huh? Oh! Sure."

He nodded and walked towards a coffee stand. As soon as his companion wasn't looking however, he ducked behind the stand. Then after making sure no one was looking, he pulled out five cards, paused, put one back, and touched the remaining four on his forehead. Four portals appeared around him and out came four young girls all wearing identical coats.

The one in front,a girl with long twin pigtails, asked respectfully, "What can we help you with Fate-sama?"

He hands them a picture, "I need you to get rid of this man."

"Him? Of course. Consider it done."

"But may I ask why? Is he troubling you?" this time it was the girl a bit to the right. The one with long hair and horns pointing upwards.

He shook his head, "Not me. But he is bothering a friend of and I am concerned about it."

"Really? That is good to know!" the cat-girl responded gleefully.

"Also. That man has a reputation of being a pedophile."

This last bit of info caused an uncomfortably long bout of silence. When the girl spoke again, her tone was deadly.

"We'll take care of it. Where is he?"

He scratched his chin for a moment, then pointed to a building that looked vaguely like a clown's head, "Wait in there. We will lead him into the building and once we pass by...you know what to do."

They nodded and left. He watched them for a moment then headed back to Luneth.

"Oh! There you are Fate! Where'd you go?"

"I just needed to take care of something," he replied with a shrug.

"Fair enough," he looked at the map he was holding, "Where to next?"

"How about there?" he pointed to the building he had sent his girls into.

"I don't know...looks awfully creepy to me."

"Come now. I'm sure we have nothing to fret from a 'Fun' house."

"But it has quotation marks of 'Fun' part. It's practically telling us that there's something dangerous there."

"And what of it? I'm sure we'll be able to handle them."

He thought about this for a moment, "Well...you are right. And it's the last one we haven't seen yet...guess we should go then."

With that settled, the two of them headed for the building, though Fate was pretty sure there were plenty of other places they hadn't seen yet. Along the way, Fate made sure that his quarry was following him. After making sure that he wasn't too far away, they ducked into the building. Once inside, he started forwards but stopped when he noticed Luneth trying to hide himself next to the entrance, sword drawn.

"What are you doing?"

He shot him a quick glance, "That guy in the bear costume is following us. I figured I'd ambush him here."

The aquamarine haired boy chuckled slightly at that, "I thought I told you to leave him to me?"

A raised eyebrow, "You have something planned?"

"Yes. It appears we have the same idea."

"You're gonna ambush him here?"

"Not me."

"You have someone else working for you."

"In a way," he headed deeper, "shall we get going?"

Luneth glanced at Fate, then at the door, then back at Fate. Shrugging, he placed his sword back into the scabbard and followed him in. When they had vanished into the house's depths, the four girls Fate had instructed to wait there appeared.

"That was Fate-sama's friend?" one of them, the one with cat ears and a tail, raised an eyebrow.

"Seems so," the one with the pigtails replied. Then she turned to the one with horns that pointed upwards, "Is he coming Melody?"

She nodded, "Yes Flame. Though it appears he is taking his time."

A nod, "Bracelet get ready with your artifact. Calendar back her up."

The two, the first one being the one with cat ear and the other one being the one with sidewards pointing horns and a rather large dragon tail respectively, nodded and moved to a spot slightly hidden from the door. The remaining two, Flame and Melody, took positions on either side of the entrance. And then they waited. After a minute or two of waiting, their target finally strolled into the building. The building was practically empty save for them, Fate and Luneth. Which would explain why he had chosen this as their ambush place: no one would notice.

As he was about to go down the path Fate and Luneth had trekked earlier when the four girls jumped out of their hiding places, two in front of him, two behind him. Flame opened her mouth to deliver an unintentionally bad pre-asskicking one liner when all of a sudden, everything became a blur. When everything settled down again, the girls found themselves bunched together in front of the bear who was standing in front of the entrance. Before they could comment on the situation, a large wall of text appeared before them.

You're Fighting a Pedro Bera.

Contrary to what the news and the cops were saying, this guy isn't the infamous internet meme come to life.

This is his identical twin who lives in Mexico. He's been having a rough day. Mistaken for his brother, punched

through several walls by a kid half his size, pursued across town by the entire police department, shot at by

cops and aircraft...

And now there are a bunch of girls who want to beat his ass for no real reason.

He's not very happy about that.

You get the jump on him.

The girls gawked at the sight: this just doesn't make any amount of goddamn sense.

"Oh forget this!" Flame ignited her clothing and attempted to dash forward to incinerate their target but found herself being held down in place by a unseen force. The other girls tried the same but also found themselves being held in place.

"What the heck is going on!" She struggled but was still unable to move. Casting a nervous glance, she realized that he wasn't moving either.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"_This is most unusual," _he examined the wall of text before him, _"I've never seen anything live this in life."_

He turned his gaze to the girls that had tried to ambush him and had mostly succeeded before the strange incident.

"_They seem to be finding it difficult to move,"_ he tried moving his own appendages, _"It appears that some unseen force is hindering our movement...what could this be?"_

He reread the wall of text before to try and see if there were any clues hidden in it.

You're fighting the Fatees

These sad little girls are practically all that remains of a once proud and glorious organization that practically ruled the world

All thanks to that wretched Takamichi and Godel! If only the two of those hadn't teamed up we wouldn't have to rely on these pitiful young ones!

The one with the cat ears is Calendar: an annoyingly childish little girl!

The one in her flaming birthday suit is Flame(Obviously): that one is far too hot tempered for her own good.

The one with the dragon tail is Bracelet: whatever you do you won't get an emotional reaction out of her.

The last one, the one with the violin and the horns is Melody: Such a nice little girl. Out of all of them she's the most reliable. You can really trust her to get the job done.

The other three, especially Calendar, are absolutely pitiful! Every time I watch them blunder and stumble their way into fulfilling their goal makes me want to cry! Not cry in joy or happiness! But in disgrace! In pity! In Shame! I cannot believe that all we have to work with with are these pathetic little-!

I'm ranting too much now. Moving on.

They get the jump on you.

He stared at the words for a moment, "Looks like who ever is manipulating these evens dislikes these girls."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At a highrise apartment complex that Garland has once delivered mail to.

A tall man wearing a black robe and face mask sat in front of a computer with three screens all displaying different things. The screen in the middle displayed a web browser with some sort of game playing, the one to the left displayed what appeared to be a complex computer program, and the one on the right displayed a live video feed of what was happening in the "Fun" House at the amusement park. Curiously, the words the girls and Pedob- er, Pedro Bera, were reading where also displayed in the computer program displayed on the left screen.

Behind him where the houses other occupants. _All_ of them looked like Fate so much they could be mistaken for clones if not for the fact one was a girl and the other two had wildly different hairstyles: one had hair with spikes so large and so unkempt that it could challenge Cloud's and the other one's hair was also spiky, though not to the extent of the previous one, looked and moved as if it were a flame.

The girl was minding her own business on the couch sipping tea and watching the news. The one with spiky hair was standing behind the robed man and quietly observing what he was doing. And finally, the one with flaming hair was poking a glass container holding the key that Garland had delivered and a silver and blue staff. The key and the staff were crossed together and were connected to each other and some weird looking machine by a bunch of wires.

"Can I use this staff when you're done with it Dynamis?" he said in the direction of the man on the computer.

"No. Now don't interrupt me Quartum. I am trolling."

He continued to peck at the keys while the other boy watched.

"What are you doing anyway?" he finally asked.

"Like I said Quintum, I am trolling."

"What is this trolling?"

"Something you wouldn't understand. Now go join Sextum on the couch."

He waved his hand dismissively. Quintum ignored this and stayed where he was. Then he pointed to the central screen, "What is this?"

"A game I discovered a while ago."

"Would you mind if I-"

"No. I am in the middle of obtaining my Wossname."

"...What is that may I ask?"

"An item that is extremely difficult to get."

"If it is that difficult to get, why do you have so many other tabs and programs running?"

"Because I am multitasking."

"..."

"Is that all?"

He motioned to the screen on the left, "What is this?"

"A program that manipulates reality."

"The reality around here? I thought the Code of the Lifemaker couldn't do that."

"It cannot. But that staff can."

"So why wire it to the Code?"

"So I have an interface I am familiar with."

"...Where did you get the key?"

"Must you question everything?

"What else is there to do?"

"...Very well. I got it from a white haired man I encountered the other day. He said it was thanks for helping him pick up one of his quarters but I sense that he intended to give it to me in the beginning and just used that incident as an excuse."

"What could he have to gain from doing that?"

"I know not. But I intend to discover."

Quintum then notes the screen to the right, "I assume that these are your victims?"

"You would assume correctly."

"But are those not Tertium's minions?"

"Indeed they are."

"Why torment them then?"

"I do not like them."

"And that is reason enough?"

"Of course."

"I had thought that you would not swoop so low."

"Then it would appear you are mistaken," the two then quietly watched the ongoings for a bit.

"How are you even doing that?"

"From what I've learned the staff can manipulate the reality around this city the same way the Code can manipulate objects in Mundus Magicus. I wired it to the Code so that the commands I use would be similar to the Code's. The program makes interfacing and manipulation easy. Also-"

His rant about mechanics was interrupted by an unexpected development: I.e. an effing tank blasting its way into the "Fun" house.

"What in the world! Where the heck did _that_ come from!"

"I believe that is the police calling in the army to help them chase their quarry," Sextum's calm and monotonic voice informed him.

Dynamis turned around, "Why in the world would they call in the army to chase down one fugitive in a bear costume!"

"Because apparently, while they may lack competence from practically anything else, hunting down pedophiles is serious business."

"...buffoons," he turned back to the screen, "In any case I must compensate for the change in parameters so the program does not..."

The screen on the left displayed an error message in bright red size 46 text.

Error: unaccounted change in parameters.

System is terminating.

Quintum tried to hold back a snicker, "Perhaps if you had not been so busy complaining you would have managed to salvage your program."

Dynamis threw him a nasty look. But instead of doing something horrible to Quintum, he murmured, "Well at least I can get my-!"

"Why is only one camp bombed back to the stone age? I overshot my kills!"

Now he just moved went on the balcony and shouted to the heavens.

"FFFFFFUUUUUU-wait a second: I can just use the program to turn back time a little so I do not overshoot it."

He dashed back in and saw, much to his and everyone else who wanted to use the computer dismay, that Sextum had sat in front of it and was clicking away.

Now he was justified, "-UUUCCCKKKK!"

Quartum was busy directing his flames to try and melt the casing, "Don't mind me. I'm trying to get a tool I can use for my next murderous rampage."

"Sure," Quintum mumbled. He then peeked over Sextum's head.

"..."

"..."

"...You have a Facebook account?"

"What of it?"

"Nothing. Its just unusual," he turned his gaze to the screen on the right, "My. Where did the Tertium's minions go?"

"I believe they were grabbed by soldiers and taken away," she replied with a shrug.

"That so," then he noticed a car drive into the building and roar back out a few moments later, "Who could that be?"

"Not sure. What I am sure of is that he is not a cop."

"How so?"

"I believe I saw Tertium and his friend in the back seat."

"Hmph. And what of the bear?"

"He ran off in the opposite direction. Now if you wish to follow the rest of the story you can watch the news."

The tone of her voice was dismissive. So he turned around with the intention of taking the remote. He however saw a most interesting sight. Quartum was still trying to melt away the glass, yes. But he had failed to notice that Dynamis had stopped screaming and was now standing ominously behind him. Without even bothering to say anything, the older man smacked Quartum in the side of the head so hard that he flew put the window and straight down to the pavement.

"Honestly these new models..."

* * *

It was already evening by the time Garland and Kefka got back to the lab. There they unloaded all their stuff and counted the profit they earned for selling their variety of potions and the likes.

"So Garland, what next?"

His companion pulled out a set blueprints, "THIS!"

"And what, exactly, _is _THIS?"

"Blueprints for my latest brainchild: the Fourthwallinator!"

"...Lol whut?"

He pulled down a chart, "Throughout my various researches-"

"What researches? The only thing you ever do is strap stuff together and make some mayhem."

"That there exists another plane parallel to ours known as the 'Real' world-"

"The only thing 'real' here is your nuttiness."

"In order to traverse to this 'Real' world, a barrier known as the fourth wall must be overcome-"

"Just take a sledge hammer and bust every fourth wall in a room."

"To accomplish this goal, I have designed and built the Fourthwallinator-!"

"Which is probably just a giant sledge hammer."

Garland clamped Kefka's mouth shut with a clothespin and picked up a cup of coffee. At that moment a platypus, wearing a fedora, crashed in through one of the windows and rolled to a stop directly over an X mark on the floor.

The knight feinted surprise, "Oh, Perry the Platypus how unexpected..."

Well frankly put, the platypus also looked surprised. I.e. his, if it is a male, eyes were wide and the general posture he took suggested a shock of some sort. Garland used that to his advantage and pulled a lever that dropped a cave over the X mark.

"And by unexpected, I mean completely expected!" he then noticed the strange look Kefka was giving him after the latter had removed the clothespin.

"What?"

"...Is this platypus an acquaintance of yours Garland?"

"Oh! Him? He's a secret agent!"

"...You have got to be kidding me."

"Come on! Can't you see the fedora?"

"A fedora does not make a secret agent. And that thing is a damned platypus. They don't do much you know."

"...You'll understand," he turned back to the imprisoned platypus, "Now Perry the Platypus, you must be wondering why I'm doing this."

"Are going to do a villain monologue or-"

"You see Perry when I was a little boy-"

At this point, the part Garland began talking about a past he didn't have, Kefka just pulled down a huge image of Captain Picard performing his memetic pose to to represent exactly what he was feeling.

"If you don't mind I'll be having dinner," he left the room in exasperation.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Back at the Warriors of Cosmos' residence.

Cloud next to the second floor window and peered outside quietly. He had managed to get Luneth home successfully but he received an earful from Squall when he got back. Well, as far as he was concerned it was worth it. When he got back, he asked about the news and learned that the police, even with the help of the army, failed to catch their target and he was now loose in town. To that end Cloud, in the absence of Warrior, took charge and assigned lookout shifts, in pairs, with him taking the first. No guesses for the identity of his partner.

"Just how long do you intend to stand there?" Tifa asked from the kitchen.

"The whole shift."

"Couldn't you at least have moved a chair?"

"Don't need it."

Shaking her head, Tifa emerged from the kitchen climbed a short flight of stairs, and handed him some coffee, "Here you go."

"Thanks." he took the mug and they sat there for a moment.

"So...how'd it go?"

"Huh? Oh," he shifted his weight, "Not bad. Had to drive into a building though."

"I know."

"How?"

"Saw it live on T.V."

"...Just for the record, I didn't bust the wall: the tank did."

"Like I said: we all saw it on live T.V. Who was the kid with Luneth?"

"His friend. Fate if I remember correctly."

"That was his friend? He didn't look like the type to have friends."

"I know. But somehow they wound up being good friends."

"How'd that happen?"

"They really don't want to talk about it."

"Weird...huh?" She leaned closer to the window and squinted her eyes.

Cloud raised an eyebrow and followed his gaze. Hi expression turned into a frown at what he saw. Near the garage door, hiding behind the hedge, was a familiar character in a bullet riddled bear costume.

"Great," he mumbled, "What in the heck could that freak be doing here?"

"Probably looking for a place to hide in."

"Not gonna happen," he reached for his sword and headed down the stairs with Tifa following.

Inside the garage they heard the door being unlocked from the outside.

"He has a key for the door? Who is this guy?" Tifa wondered aloud.

"We're about to find out," he waited for him to walk in and then the two of them pounced him. The man in the costume put up a weak struggle, influenced by the fact that he was riddled with dozens of bullets, and was quickly trapped in a spinal lock by Cloud.

"Hey Cloud, don't you think we should cure him first?"

"Maybe," he rummaged his pockets, pulled out a cure materia and cast it on their captive.

"Okay then mister let's see who you really are," he pulled the mask of him and immediately jumped off.

"What the hell!"

All he received in response was a groan of pain.

Tifa walked closer, "That explains why he has a key to the garage door."

"But why the heck did he dress up as a Pedo?"

"Maybe he's secretly one?"

"I don't think so. There must be some other reason."

"Guess we'll have no choice but to ask him then."

"We've gotta move him to somewhere more secure and patch him up a bit more though."

"Good point," he hoisted the man in a fireman carry and they moved up to his room. While in the process of patching him up, he began to come to.

"Ughh...What happened?" he then noticed Cloud and Tifa, "How did I get here?"

"We carried you duh," Tifa pulled out some more potions, "Just what kind of stunt were you trying to pull?"

"..."

Cloud picked up the bear head, "Do you even know what this is?"

"Yes. It is a bear costume."

"Let me rephrase that: do you know who this bear is?"

"A Mexican bear named Pedro Bera."

"...Who told you that?"

"He would be uncomfortable if I revealed that."

"Then he was lying. This isn't Pedro Bear, this is Pedobear!"

"And who is that?"

Cloud face-palmed, "You should get on the internet more."

"I find little time to do that with all my other activities."

"Like stalking children like an obsessed pedophile?"

"...I was not stalking anyone now am I a pedophile."

"You were actually. And also, that 'Pedro Bera' of yours has a reputation for being a pedophile."

"..That would explain why I was being pursued."

"...Your obliviousness can get you killed you know."

"It nearly has already."

He sighed and stood up rubbing the ridge of his nose, "Get on the internet more. Maybe you'd learn a thing or two about memes and the like."

"What were you doing anyway?" Tifa asked.

"..."

"We just saved your life. You could at least tell us."

"...I was trying to see who stole the sweets in the kitchen."

"What? That was all you were doing?" Cloud stopped in what he was doing.

"...Yes."

He let out an exasperated sighed, "If that' all you wanted to do you should've just waited in the kitchen!"

"I have thought of that but..."

"But what? Whoever you consulted told you to go with that idea?"

"..."

"I'll take that as a yes. Who told you to do that anyway."

"...Perhaps I was asking for it..."

_Hours earlier._

_Garland looked up from his clipboard, "Golbez. I see you have submitted you weekly quota despite the fact that you have only committed two evil act this week."_

"_Yes. Is there a problem with that?"_

"_Obviously. As villains we have to maintain a quota for our evil. Two acts are not going to cut it."_

"_What if the first act involved fooling a perfectly honest, innocent, and clueless individual into doing an act that is easily seen as a crime and the second would bring an extremely huge amount of trouble that will encompass the entire city."_

"_...Who is this person you tricked again?"_

"_Its in the file."_

"_...Ha! Good one! I'd say your quota is well and accomplished for the next two weeks or so!"_

"_Thank you," with that Golbez left._

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Back at the lab, Kefka sat in the break room eating a pizza while Garland indulged in his insanity.

After a good fifteen minute, he heard a reassuring explosion followed by Garland's voice, "Curse you Perry the Platypus!"

He then slid out of his chair, and calmly walked back into the lab.

"So...what's up Garland?"

The aforementioned man looked like he just snapped out of some sort of spirit possession, "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'? You were narrating some retarded story about a childhood I'm sure you never had."

"What are you talking about? I don't remember a thing like that," he stood up and brushed the dust off his clothes.

"...Do you remember the platypus that you were convinced was a secret agent?"

"A platypus? Why would you think that? They don't do much you know."

"...Okay. Let's just say for now that nothing happened . Okay?"

"I'll agree with that."

"So you got any other ideas?"

"One more thing," he reached deep into a closet and pulled out a plastic container filled with some sort of liquid.

"What is that?"

"A kaiju growth serum."

"A what?"

"A kaiju growth serum. Makes kaijus grow."

"What are you gonna do with it?"

"Test it."

"On who."

"You."

"...What's the catch?"

"Don't know yet."

"So you're going to feed me a serum with unknown and untested side effects?"

"Yup."

"...Let's do this."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

A little while later, back at the Cosmos residence.

Luneth stood on a stool and reached deep into the closet to grab the can of sweets that Warrior had stashed in the back. Sure he wasn't sopposed to be doing that but they were just to good to be wasted. After triumphantly pulling out a few and popping them into hi mouth, he turned around to leave when he was confronted by a rather unsettling sight.

Standing behind him, arms crossed over his chest, was Pedobear.

Screaming a yelp of surprise, he threw a fire spell at him and ducked into the cabinet just as the explosion consumed the man in the costume. There he allowed himself a sigh of relief.

That is until the door opened and he finally saw the face of the man inside the suit. When he did, it became immediately clear that this guy was no pedophile. In fact, it was a little worse.

"Luneth," Warrior spoke slowly while the flames on his suit sorta cast an ominous shadow on his face, "I would like to have a word with you."

* * *

Longest one yet. I'm also trying out a new writing style. What do you think?


End file.
